(a bad remake of the I Love Lucy them song plays, making it sound gayer than it regularly does)
(Barney, the purple dinosaur prances out on stage with a microphone)
(audience is clapping)
Barney: duh huh! I’m Barney, the purple dinosaur, and this is the Barney Love Connection! Yaay!!
(audience cheers loudly)
Barney: This is the show where we give losers that can’t find a date or get any at all, the choice to go out with 3 lovely people, or do 1 alternative choice which could range from anything to nothing!
Barney: now let’s welcome our first loser: Mr. Dan Dan the Motorcycle Man!
(Dan Dan rides in on a tricycle sitting down on a heart shaped couch next to Barney)
Barney: Dan Dan, we’ve got a spectacular line up for you today. 1st, lets go to the women for you!
(a shadowy figure appears in each of three boxes to the right of a bigger screen)
(the first of the 3 boxes appears on the bigger screen, and an announcer starts talking)
Announcer: Betty Ba-doop is a brunette from South Alabama. She enjoys space walks, and vacuums. She’s really into guys that can be like a vacuum on her…
(the box fades away, and the second one comes up)
Announcer: Erin White-ass is a blonde woman from Northern New Jersey who enjoys to take long baths with men and drink radioactive water. She has a third boob, extra fun for every one…
(the box fades away, and the third one comes up)
Announcer: Stripper McGoog is a stripper at a local nudey bar. Stripper likes to be naked.
Barney: wow! I wish I were you, so I could pick #3! But! If you don’t like it…(along with the audience) TAKE the ALTERNATIVE CHOICE!!
Barney: Let’s show him his alternative choice!
Announcer: if you don’t like any of the women, here, you have to make out with…THIS CAN OF TOMATO PASTE!!!
(the camera zooms in and out on a can of tomato paste over and over)
Dan Dan (rubbing his chin): hmmm…
Barney: what’s it gonna be, Dan Dan? Is it gonna be Betty Ba-doop, Erin White-ass or Stripper McGoog? OR the Alternative choice?? Let’s see what the audience says!
(everyone says something different)
(everyone quiets down)
Idiot: number 8!!
(everyone looks at Idiot like he’s an Idiot and then a sniper shoots him from the rafters)
Dan Dan: hmm….
Barney: have you made up your mind!??
Dan Dan: yes! I pick #3!!
(annoying bells ring and lights flash)
Barney: congratulations! You picked Stripper McGoog! Let’s see her!
(Stripper’s face appears in the big square again, and is revealed showing a man in a wig, with a beard. He waves at Dan Dan, and blows him a kiss)
Dan Dan (faling out of his seat): ahhh!!!!
(Stripper McGoog walks out from behind the TV screen running over to Dan Dan getting on top of him. You can now see Stripper McGoog is wearing a yellow rubber kinda dress thingy and platform shoes)
Barney: wow! I bet you sure woulda wanted to have made-out with the tomato paste….hahahaha….
(Stripper McGoog kisses Dan Dan over and over as the camera pans out)
Barney: we’ll find out how the date went, and pair up another 2 losers next episode!
(crowd applauds as credits roll and music plays as it does too)
Announcer: The Barney Love Connection with your host Barney Dinosaur is brought to you in main part by SBC, because they don’t have any better shows to put on the air right now, and also Queer-ker Oatmeal!