Joke #24868

When her son turned eight, the mom knew he would soon be questioning the existence of Santa Claus.  One day, the boy looked at his mom and said, “I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”

Taking a deep breath, his mom responded, “Oh, what is that?”

“They’re all nocturnal.”

 

The Unloved Manatees vs. The Child Molester Penguins

In the North Pole, there were two rival gangs.  The Unloved Manatees “ruled the seas” and the Child Molester Penguins “ruled the ice.”

In reality, all this takes place on a little iceberg island independent of Santa Claus’ tyrannical reign called The Peninsula of the Eye.  It wasn’t even a peninsula and nothing about its geological or geographical features suggested it was an eye.

Gang war after gang war was fought and many-a-manatee’s blood soiled the seas, and many-a-child-molester-penguin soiled the ice.

What these warring factions didn’t know was there was a horror trapped beneath The Peninsula of the Eye that needed just the right amount of manatee blood, penguin blood, ice, sea water, and eel droppings to regain its ultimate power.

It was Santa Claus’ secret weapon, the Electrosucker!  Except he wanted to keep it a secret and didn’t think that the right concoction of ingredients would ever unintentionally be in the vicinity of the weapon.

So, it created a lot of explosions.  The Peninsula of the Eye sunk into the sea.  The Peninsula of the Eye was the entrance to this secret weapon and it would be really inconvenient to get into without it.

So, Santa Claus’ electricity bills went up really high and Santa Claus was really pissed off that he was stupid enough to hook up his secret energy draining machine into his own power grid.

Moral of the story:  Buy energy-saving secret doomsday weapons.

 

Jingle Bells Song #21879

Driving on the highway,
Shooting cars with snow,
“Get of the road, jerk,” I say!
When the people blow!

Jingle bells, jingle bells lovely chrashing cars!
Oh what fun it is to ride and give all people SARS!

Pissing on the roof,
I love this thing I know,
Saying, “Whoff poff duff!
diddladiidddeli dow!”

Jingle bells, jingle bells lovely chrashing cars!
Oh what fun it is to ride and give all people SARS!

gibidadiduddidididuuuuu!
bombabadudididdaaaaa!
bommelummetrommelummeuuuu!
I think I kill santa!

Jingle bells, jingle bells lovely chrashing cars!
Oh what fun it is to ride and give all people SARS!

THE END!

 

Mary Had a Little Lamb Song #21779

Mary had a little lamb, she also had a duck.

She took it round the corner to teach it how to…

Fry and egg for breakfast, fry an egg for tea.

The more you eat, the more you drink, the more you want to…

Peter had a boat, the boat began to rock.

Up jumped Jaws and bit off his…

Cocktails, gingerales, 40c a glass.

If you don’t like them, stick em up your…

Ask no qestions, tell no lies.

I saw santa claus undoing his…

Flies are bad, mosuitoes are worse.

And this is the end of my silly little verse. 🙂

 

Joke #18733

Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor.

He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, “No, Johnny, you can’t eat that now it has germs.”

Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, “Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus – that’s all I ever hear about and I haven’t seen one of ’em yet!”

 

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free.  Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.