Joke #13195

An elderly lady was introduced to a Doctor Stevens at a party.  At the first opportunity, she cornered the man and said, “Doctor, I’m so happy to meet you.  I’d like to ask you a question.  Lately I’ve been getting terrible pains on my right side when I lift my arm like this.  What should I do about it?”

The man answered, “I’m sorry, Madam, but I’m not that kind of a doctor.  I happen to be a Doctor of Economics.”

The lady was taken aback for a short moment, then regained her composure and asked, “So tell me, should I sell my stock in General Motors?”

 

Actual Marketing Flops

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink’s eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, “Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.”

 

The General Motors HelpLine

General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers — but imagine if they did . . .

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”
HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”
HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”
CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

————————————–

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”
HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”
CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know!?”
HELPLINE: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”
CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”
HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
CUSTOMER: “What!?” I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

 

“You’re So Stupid” Insults

These can also double as “Your mom is so stupid that…” or “Your mom is so stupid…” or “I knew a Blonde so stupid that…” or “You’re so dumb that…” or “Your mom so dumb that…” or “Your mamma/momma so stupid that…”

You’re so stupid…

…you sent me a fax with a stamp on it!

…you thought a quarter back was a refund!

…you tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!

…you thought Boyz II Men was a day care center!

…you thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools! (not that many kids know who Eartha Kitt is, she’s a singer)

…you thought General Motors was in the Army!

…you thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats!

…you thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!

…under “education” on job applications you put “Hooked on Phonics”!

…you tried to drown a fish!

…you tripped over the cordless phone!

…you stared at the orange juice carton because it said “concentrate”!

…you got stabbed in a shoot out!

…you asked me to meet you at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”!

…they had to burn down the school to get you out of 3rd grade!

…on applications that say “Sign Here” you put “Libra!”

…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”… you put “Sagittarius.”

…you asked for a price check at the Dollar Store!

…it takes you 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes!”

…you studied for a blood test and failed!

…you tried to buy tokens to get on to “Soul Train!”

…when you saw under 17 not admitted at the movies you went out and got 16 friends!

…when you heard 90% of accidents happen at home you moved!

…you think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company!

…you think Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

…when you missed the #44 bus you took the #22 bus twice instead!

…when the sign said Airport Left you turned around and went home!

…you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!

…you sold your car for gas money!

…you got trapped in a grocery store and starved to death.

…you sat on the TV and watched the couch.

…you called me to get my phone number.

…you put lipstick on your forehead because you wanted to make up your mind.

…if I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change back.

…they had to burn the school down to get you out of third grade.

…you took a ruler to bed to see how long you slept.

…if you spoke your mind, you’d probably be speechless.

…you got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.

…you jumped off a cliff to see if the wings on your maxi pads would make you fly!

…you locked yourself in a bathroom and pissed in your pants.

…you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

…you asked someone how to spell “TV.”

…you bought a solar-powered flashlight.

…you looked in the lake and saw a reflection of yourself, jumped in, and tried to save yourself from drowning.

…you grabbed a bowl when I said it was chilly outside.

…you left me a voicemail by screaming into my mailbox.

…you went to the beach to surf the internet.

…you stuck a phone up your ass to make a booty call.

…you went to get a ladder when you heard drinks were on the house.

…you went to the library to find Facebook.

…you went to the dentist to get your Bluetooth fixed.

…you sprayed a tree with Axe body spray and thought it would fall down.

…you tried to climb Mountain Dew.

…when you took a survey that asked you your sex you put in “M, F, and sometimes Wednesday”

…you bought tickets to Xbox Live.

…you went to Babies R Us and asked where the babies were.

…you fell up a flight of stairs.

…when your TV got stolen, you chased the robber shouting “You forgot the remote!”

…you made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

…you returned a doughnut because it had a hole in it.

…when you were in court, the Judge said “Order” and you said “Fries and a Coke, please.”

…it took you an hour to make one minute rice.

…you got fired from a blow job.

…you got hit by a cup and told the police you got mugged.

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…you had to ask what the number was for “9-1-1.”

…when you saw the “On Air” sign you said, “Let’s go down, I’m afraid of heights.”

…when a zombie said it wanted brains, it walked right past you.

…you went to a pipe company looking for YouTube.

…when people said you killed the vibe, you went to the police and said “Arrest me, I’m a murderer.”

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…when you saw a nickel, you said “I’m going to give this to Jefferson!”

…when someone gives you a piece of paper with ‘please turn over’ written on both sides, it’ll keep you busy for hours.

…you put a quarter in each ear and thought you were listening to 50 Cent.

…you bought Norton antivirus when you had a cold.

Below are specific to the following versions of “You’re So Stupid” insults

Your momma so stupid…

…she loved you!