Joke #11345

July 21st, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes | No Comments »

David dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says, “How did things go for you back on Earth?”

David says, “Not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage, and my wife will get another 100,000 from the insurance.”

“Great,” says St Peter, “What was it you did while you were alive?”

“Oh, I was in Real estate.”

“Oh good, come on in” says the Saint.

Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions.

“Yes, well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car’s paid for and they should be OK with things.”

“Oh good, come on in.”

Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy.

“Yes, well I left my 4th wife, most of my gears in the Cash Converters, cars rooted, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been.”

“Oh well,” says St. Peter.

“And which band was it that you played with?”

-~-

Tags: band, guitar, heaven, house, insurance, Pearly Gates, St. Peter

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Joke #11341

July 21st, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes | No Comments »

A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they’re having trouble making love. “Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?” asks the guy.

The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says “OK.”

He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says “Well, things look pretty good to me, you don’t seem to have any problems.” To which the couple respond with “things don’t feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance?.”

The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says “Look, I really don’t see any problem here, in fact I wish my love-making was as good. Why do you keep coming back?”

The young man says “Well, to tell you the truth, I’m a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don’t make much money. She’s married to this other guy who works from home so we can’t go there. I can’t afford to take her to a motel. This place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare.”

-~-

Tags: doctor, guitar, sexual joke

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Joke #11339

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes, Quicky Jokes | No Comments »

Q: What do you say when someone drops something at ska band practice?

A: Pick it up pick it up pick it up.

-~-

Tags: band, music

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Joke #11338

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes, Knock Knock Jokes | No Comments »

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Heart.

Heart who?

Heart you going to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day?

-~-

Tags: heart, Valentines Day

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Joke #11337

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes | No Comments »

Cal: How do you know the math teacher, Ms. Valentine, likes you?

Sal: Likes me?  She loves me!  Look at the hugs and kisses on my math test.

-~-

Tags: conversation, hug, kiss, math, test, Valentines Day

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Joke #11336

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes | No Comments »

Girlfriend: Now that we’re engaged, I hope you’ll give me a ring.

Boyfriend: Sure, what’s your number?

-~-

Tags: boyfriend, conversation, engagement ring, girlfriend, telephone, Valentines Day

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Joke #11335

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes | No Comments »

Girlfriend: How would you like a pair of bookends for Valentine’s Day?

Boyfriend: That would be great.  I always read the ending of a book before the beginning.

-~-

Tags: boyfriend, conversation, girlfriend, Valentines Day

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Joke #11334

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes | No Comments »

Boyfriend: Why don’t you answer the phone?

Girlfriend: It isn’t ringing.

Boyfriend: Must you always wait until the last minute?

-~-

Tags: boyfriend, conversation, girlfriend, telephone

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Joke #11333

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes | No Comments »

Boyfriend: I had to return that alarm clock you gave me for Valentine’s Day.

Girlfriend: Why?

Boyfriend: It kept going off while I was asleep.

-~-

Tags: alarm, boyfriend, clock, conversation, girlfriend, sleep, Valentines Day

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Joke #11332

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes | No Comments »

Girlfriend: Did you send my Valentine’s Day card air mail?

Boyfriend: Yes.  And I put a light on your mailbox to show the plane where to land.

-~-

Tags: airplane, conversation, mail, Valentines Day

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alladode

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

alladode - v. to frequently find fresh flowers for a girl named Franny

-~-

Tags: alladode, Flower, girl, verb

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oglaruc

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

oglaruc - v. to happily hold hearts in your hands

-~-

Tags: hand, heart, oglaruc, verb

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Joke #11329

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes, Quicky Jokes | No Comments »

Q: Whom did the monster take to the valentine dance?

A: His ghoulfriend.

-~-

Tags: dance, girlfriend, monster, Valentines Day

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Joke #11328

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes | No Comments »

Lovey: I would like you to prove that you are capable of strong, faithful, and everlasting love.

Dovey: Well, I can bring you dozens of references from other girls.

-~-

Tags: conversation, girlfriend, love, Valentines Day

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Joke #11327

July 9th, 2008 davepoobond Posted in Jokes, Quicky Jokes | No Comments »

Q: What did the mad scientist use to mend a broken heart?

A: Masking tape.

-~-

Tags: scientist, tape, Valentines Day

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