The Stereotypical Australian Yobbo

(Note – I’m not stereotyping all Australians as yobbos with this sort of profile as I know most Aussies aren’t yobbos as I’m a true blue Aussie myself, this is just a pisstake of the stereotypical beer drinkin’ footy lovin’ yobbo which I totally exaggerated for the fun of it)

The stereotypical yobbo (also known as an ocker):

Appearance:
1 – fat with a huge beer gut
2 – really hairy
3 – around 40 years old
4 – butch chubby face with stubble hair
5 – short black oily dirty hair
6 – has a plumber’s crack when sitting on a stool in a pub
7 – smells like a combination of fart, shit, piss, sweat, cigarettes and beer
8 – wears an akubra hat with corks dangling off it or an old fishing hat with badges and fishhooks lodged in it
9 – wears an old black or navy blue extra large shearer’s singlet with holes in it and reeks of sweat
10 – wears a brown pair of King Gee stubby shorts or a pair of green stubby footy player’s shorts with yellow stripes going down one side
11 – wears a pair of old worn out thongs on his feet which have wear holes in the heels
12 – wears an old checkered flannelette jack, worn out jeans and steel-cap boots during winter
13 – has dirty black fingernails that’s encrusted with dirt and grease
14 – has dirty nicotine stained choppers
15 – has a few tattoos
16 – has a REALLY thick slurred Aussie ocker’s accent

Habitat:
1 – lives in the outback with a lot of bush around on the outskirts of some old hick town
2 – his house is an old 1950s fibro house with a rusty tin roof and is infested with rats, mice, roaches, ants, spiders, termites, dust mites, mozzies and flies
3 – the interior of his house smells like a combination of stale fart, cigarettes, sweat and beer and has beer cans and cigarette butts all over the floors on old ruddy carpet plus bits of half-eaten meat pies on the lounge room floor
4 – the exterior of his house has gardens full of weeds, grass that is 1 metre tall, rusty car parts and other junk piled up all over the front and backyard, and a few smelly rotten dead animal carcasses lying here and there near the house
5 – has an old termite infested wooden shed with a rusty tin roof made of beer cans
6 – has a large pond with a tractor tire tube floating on it so he can lay on it and get a sun tan

His stuff:
1 – an early 1970s HQ Holden Kingswood ute that is full of rust and has ripped up vinyl seats and has enough room in the back tray for 16 pisstank yobbo pub mates or 50 slabs of beer, which is his transport whether it be driving to the local pub, work or the footy, or to transport his yobbo pub mates or slabs of beer
2 – a rusty tin water tank with bird shit floating on top and is connected to the water mains, this is his drinking water
3 – a really 50 year old extremely dirty outdoor backyard thunderbox dunnycan that pongs of shit and piss and hasn’t been emptied in 25 years and the cast iron seat is infested with crabs and encrusted with crusty shit stains, the ideal place for him to go if he’s outside and really busting to go
4 – a rusty old 1950s Victor lawnmower with only one mower blade, so he can mow the grass once in a blue moon
5 – a tattered old couch that is ripped up so he can sit back and relax while watchin the footy
6 – a 1970s colour TV set that is 63cm and has a half worn out picture tube and rotary controls so he can watch footy and cricket on it
7 – an early 1980s VCR so he can tape the footy and cricket while he’s at the local pub
8 – a 1950s valve radio that crackles so he can tune to 2KY and listen to the Melbourne Cup after betting at the TAB
9 – a rusty old 1960s washing machine that’s full of pubic hair so he can wash his singlets and stubby shorts in it
10 – bedroom with a rotten old bed infested with flees and termites
11 – a wardrobe full of dirty clothes
12 – a kitchen with a sink full of really dirty dishes that haven’t been washed in 2 weeks
13 – a grimy old 1950s refrigerator so he can store his slabs of beer and pre-cooked meat pies in it
14 – an extremely dirty 1970s microwave that is encrusted with mouldy bits of meat pie so he can cook his meat pies in it
15 – bathroom with a dunny that rarely gets flushed and has crusty stains down the bowl and skid shit trails going down the pipe
16 – an old shower with lime and crap clogged in the shower head so he can take a shower once in a blue moon
17 – an old slimy bathtub with a rusty plug hole so he can brew his homemade beer in it
18 – a rusty razor blade and a rough cake of Solvo soap so he can shave his face
19 – a cattle dog named “Bluey” that barks 24/7
20 – a whole pile footy and porno magazines and Footrot Flats comics
21 – an old brown half deflated footy so he can kick it around when he’s shit-bored
22 – an old fishing rod with rusty fishing tackle so he can go fishing and the rusty hooks give fish tetanus
23 – a big collection of old country rock records including Slim Dusty’s big hit pub song “I Like To Have A Beer With Duncan” plus a collection of Cold Chisel albums
24 – an esky sitting beside the tattered couch so while he’s watchin the footy and he’s thirsty he can pull out a stubby without getting off his lazy arse

His lifestyle:
1 – drinks slabs and slabs of beer especially of these brands: VB (Victoria Bitter), Fosters Lager and Toohey’s Draft
2 – eats LOTS of meat pies with tomato sauce
3 – smokes Winfield cigarettes
4 – has a bunch of pisstank yobbo pub mates
5 – often farts and belches
6 – congratulates his farts by going “YAHHH THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!!!” when he does a really loud smelly one
7 – is racist and a chauvinistic pig
8 – loves to chant “AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!! OI OI OI!!!” when he’s at the footy even though both footy teams are Australian and there’s no foreign team playing
9 – worships footy and cricket as a religion and the stadium is his church
10 – when he’s at the footy he loves to throw half eaten meat pies and beer cans at the footballers of the opposing team
11 – has a shower once a month
12 – shaves once every 2 months
13 – is really constipated and shits once every 4 days
14 – usually hangs out at the local pub and gets shitfaced with his pisstank yobbo pub mates and tells a bunch of lies
15 – has a job as a sheep shearer which earns him enough money to buy his beer and pies and tickets to the footy and cricket and extra to throw a bet at the TAB
16 – never brushes his teeth
17 – watches lots of footy and cricket on TV and shows like “The Footy Show” and “Totally Footy” and “Wired World Of Sports”
18 – his idols is Richie Benaud (the cricket commentator), Paul Hogan (famous Aussie icon) and John Hopoate who plays for Sydney Tigers (also known as ‘brownfingers’ as he’s shoves his fingers right up footballers dates)
19 – is a chronic swearer
20 – is a lazy bludger and tells people to piss off when they ask him for favours
21 – likes to drive his pisstank yobbo pub mates around in his Kingswood ute
22 – loves to play ocker games with his mates such as pissing competitions in the bloke’s dunny at the back of the pub seeing who can piss the highest and hit the ceiling or have a beer and pie comp who can sink the most slabs of beer and down the most trays of meat pies
23 – changes his jocks once a month
24 – never washes his hands after picking his nose or picking the lint from his plumbers crack

 

I’m Too Yobbo

Parody of “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred

——————————-

I’m too chauvinistic for my wife, too chauvinistic for my wife
My wife’s gonna leave me
I’m too fat for my stubby shorts, too fat for my stubby shorts
I have plumbers crack
And I’m too pissed to get out of the pub, too pissed to get out of the pub
That’s where I normally stay
And I’m too lazy to have a bath, to lazy to have a bath
I smell of fart and sweat

I’m yobbo, I live on beer and pies
And I love watchin’ footy on TV
Yeah on TV, on TV
I love watchin’ footy on TV

I’m too large for my singlet, too large for my singlet
So large my gut is hanging out
And I’m too lazy to get a job, too lazy to get a job
I bludge on the dole

I’m an yobbo, I wear singlet stubbies and thongs
And I live in the outback of Australia
Yeah the outback of Australia, the outback of Australia
My house is a tin shack in the outback of Australia

I’m too pissed for my, too lazy for my, too smelly for my

‘Cos I’m a yobbo, I drive a Kingswood ute
It is rusty and drive like a bomb
Yeah like a bomb, like a bomb
My ute is rusty and drives like a bomb

I’m too blokey for my mates, too blokey for my mates
I have a thickest Australian accent
I’m too chauvinistic for my wife, too chauvinistic for my wife
My wife’s gonna leave
And I’m too yobbo for this song

 

Yobbo’s Paradise

Parody of “Gangster’s Paradise” by Coolio

————————–

As I walk to the pub where to get pissed with my mates
I take look at my Kingswood ute and realize it’s a rusty bomb
But that’s just perfect for a yobbo like me
Because it’s has room in the back for slabs of VB
On Friday night I’m watchin’ footy on TV
While drinkin’ VB and eating meat pies… Oi!
And I’ve been a chauvinistic pig for so long that
My wife has divorced me and is now long gone
I’m the bloke of my house, it’s always a mess
Cigarette butts on the floor and beer cans on the couch
I never take a shower nor brush my teeth
I’m 45 years old a living like a pig

We’ve spent most our lives
Living in a yobbos paradise
I get shitfaced at the pub every night
Living in a yobbos paradise
I do some hard yakka once or twice
Living in a yobbos paradise
I live on beer and pies
Living in a yobbos paradise

I’ve been driving my mates around in my ute last week
They were in the back tray with a fews slab of VB
We were heading to the footy, to watch the game
Footy is our religion and the church is the game
I’ve never had a job, I’ve been bludgin’ on the dole
A yobbo in a tuxedo? You know that’s unheard of
I wear a shearers singlet and stubby shorts
And my mates all agree I look cool wearing thongs… Oi!
My backyard dunny is so pongy that you’ll suffocate to tears
I haven’t cleaned the bloody thing in 25 years
We are very uncultured and don’t give a shit
We’re also hygienically impaired

There’s no computer, no widescreen TV, no DVD
Not a single piece of modern technology
Just a 1970s colour TV
To watch the footy and drink a VB

We’ve spent most our lives
Living in a yobbos paradise
My house is infested rats and flies
Living in a yobbos paradise
I hate the new age guys
Living in a yobbo’s paradise
I change my jocks maybe once or twice
Living in a yobbos paradise

Drinkin’ slabs of VB, eating lots of meat pies
I’m growing a beer gut, and I tell lots of lies
Think you’re really lazy? Think you’re a bargearse?
Well, after I shit in the dunny I never wipe my arse
I’m the typical Australian ocker with a thick Aussie accent
Everytime I’m on the piss I go off my rocker
So don’t expect favours from me and don’t put me off
Otherwise I’ll have to tell you to “piss off”

We’ve spent most our lives
Living in a yobbos paradise
I watch footy on TV Friday nights
Living in a yobbos paradise
I mow the lawn maybe once or twice
Living in a yobbos paradise
My hair is full of lice
Living in a yobbos paradise

 

Popeye Song #7279

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

(Oi! Oi!)

I wear a pair of thongs

(Oi! Oi!)

Stubby shorts and shearer’s singlet

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

 

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

(Oi! Oi!)

I drive a Kingswood ute

(Oi! Oi!)

Down to the pub to get pissed with me mates

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

 

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

(Oi! Oi!)

I live in old rusty tin roof farm house

(Oi! Oi!)

I watch footy on TV while drinkin a slab of VB

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

 

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

(Oi! Oi!)

I have a beer gut

(Oi! Oi!)

Because I live on beer and meat pies and am a lazy bloke

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

 

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

(Oi! Oi!)

I like to hang out at the cricket

(Oi! Oi!)

To boo the opposite team and launch beer cans at them

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

 

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

(Oi! Oi!)

I own a cattle dog

(Oi! Oi!)

He’s name is Bluey and he barks 24/7

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

 

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

(Oi! Oi!)

I own a dunny can

(Oi! Oi!)

It stinks of shit and piss because I never clean it out

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

 

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

(Oi! Oi!)

I worship footy and cricket

(Oi! Oi!)

Because Shane Warn is god and Plugger is the devil

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

 

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

(Oi! Oi!)

I’m Robbo the yobbo man

(Oi! Oi!)

I’m a fat lazy ocker that doesn’t give a shit

I’m Robbo the YOBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOO MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!!

(Oi! Oi!)

(Aussie Aussie Aussie!!! Oi Oi Oi!!!)

 

Situations It Would Suck to Be In

By Nose:

– A badger is in your pants. Those mofo’s have sharp claws.

– On stage naked when you have to urinate. People could lose their careers this way.

– Bitchslapping Mike Tyson…cover your ears!

– Having a pencil up your ass

– Standing in a pile of hippo crap. You’ve seen how much they eat. Can you imagine standing in the crap of an animal who eats aobut 400 pounds of food a day.

– If you’re a guy. Never walk into a gay bar with no pants. Some people don’t wait until they get home.

– Don’t wear butt tight pants when you go to the beach. When you have a stiffy, people are gonna know.

– Making love to a gorilla. Some of those animls weigh 2000 pounds.

– Doing doggy style to a dog. Think where that thing has been.

By Holmes:

– Bending over in a Prison Shower Room…Welcome to Anal Penetration 101, your going to feel like your shitting backwards.

– In a Port-o-potty while it’s rolling down a hill…the toilet is going to be shitting on you

– Drinking Coca-Cola in a Pepsi plant…HOW COULD YOU!

By The typical Aussie bloke:

– Taking a shit in a really old outback dunnycan that hasn’t been washed in 50 years. Imagine all the crabs on the dunny seat and the crusty shit stains ewwwwwww!!!

– Being tackled by John Hopoate during a Rugby League footy match. You know what John (BROWN FINGERS) Hopoate likes to do to footy players on the opposite team, especially when they are wearing really stubby footy shorts!

– Being a beer swilling yobbo at a local pub that has no beer. Yobbos can’t survive without beer!

– Thrown in a prison cell with nothing but a “Richie Benaud’s Autobiography” book. Now THAT’s boring!

– Being a little Aussie kid chanting “USA! USA! USA!” at the Melborune AFL Aussie Rules footy match. I guess the kid has been watching too much Simpsons episodes and doesn’t know that the Australian chant is “Aussie Aussie Aussie!!! Oi Oi Oi!!!”

– Some bastard pulling a prank on you by putting dark gooey shit to an empty Vegemite jar and passing it off to you as Vegemite. When you spread it on toast and eat it you’ll be chucking up in the dunny.

– Being the janitor cleaning a passenger jet after a shitfaced footy team has been on it. When a footy team gets pissed on a few slabs of VB, they will not care where they decide to hang a piss so there will be urine flowing down the aisle of the plane.

– Getting smacked hard in the K-nackers with a cricket ball when playing cricket with your mates. OWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL that would hurt!!!!! Cricket balls are SOOOOOOOO HARD!!!!!

– Having a wedgy up your bumcrack while you’re in the bloke’s change room. All the blokes would think you’re wearing a G-string.

– Some bugger filling the tray of your Holden Kingswood ute with polyfiller. You won’t be able to transport any beer slabs or your pisstank yobbo pub mates around.