I finally figured out a foolproof system for enjoying life. I work two weeks a year and spend the rest of the time on vacation.
When the man of the house returned from work, his son said, “Dad there was a man here to see you this morning.”
The father asked, “Did the man have a bill?”
The kid answered, “No, he had a nose like yours.”
The boss found a boy in the stock room just standing around doing nothing. “How much do you get paid a week?” he asked the boy.
The boy replied, “Twenty dollars.”
Taking a twenty-dollar bill out of his wallet, the boss gave it to the boy and said, “Here, take this. Now get out of here and don’t come back.”
As the boy walked out the door, the boss said to the manager, “How long has that lazy kid been working for us?”
“He doesn’t work for us,” replied the manager. “He just delivered a package.”
– Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if they don’t, then punch them in the face.
– Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. Then after everyone gives you sympathy remarks tell them you were just kidding and tell them they are all a bunch of queers.
– Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. Then during the meeting put one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up a big loogie. then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it to the person next to you and say “beat that.”
– Inform a co-worker that he wouldn’t make a good hooker then piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good ass-fucking.
– Walk around with a big smile on your face while keeping one hand down your pants.
– Answer every question with “fuck if I know” then call the person a racial slur that doesn’t even match their race.
– Brag about the fact that you own a gun and keep playing with your nuts, get them really sweaty , then walk around shaking everyone’s hand.
– Shit on the floor of your office and when someone comes in and sees it tell them that it’s the fake plastic kind. When they try to pick it up and realize that their hand is full of shit, laugh and point.
– Run down the hall with your dick out while pissing all over the place and yell “It won’t stop!” then when it stops, look down and say “oh.”
10. ask to borrow someon’es pen. take it to the bathroom and stick it in your ass. return it and tell the person to smell it. when they tell you it smells like shit say ” it should i had it in my ass !! “
For years now the great Squirrel Army has been trying to conquer the world, unbeknown to the public. Through their clever and devious military tactics, they have succeeded thus far in conquering the sixteen (16) small countries in Africa and Asia, including; Gambia, Guinea-Bissau, Comoros, Lesotho, Mauritius, Swaziland, Reunion (which they call Crap Land, for some reason-maybe they don’t like the French), Oman, East Timor, Bhutan, Kyrgyz Stan, Turkmenistan, North Korea (yes, Squirrels have nukes!), Tajikistan, Cyprus, and Maldives. Well, I said included, but that’s all of them. Don’t complain; now you know where not to go!
Only the amazing defenders of all things not Evil Squirrel related, the Uber-Peanut Army (or Peanut Army for shortish) has stopped them from a more complete conquest. Yes, you read that right! Super Peanuts are at war with Evil Squirrels in order to stop them from taking over the world!
Not too long ago, in fact, the Squirrels were close to winning, but in what seemed like the end of all things non-Evil Squirrel related, new hope arose; the Great and Mighty Almost-All Powerful Orange Peanut!
Now, as you know (or at least I do) anything Orange (with a capitol O, that is) is magical. Now, in Orange Peanut, the O is most definitely capitol, so the logical conclusion is that Orange Peanut is magical, right? Of course it’s right! So, this Orange Peanut was a magical Super Peanut who rose to be the leader of the Peanut People and…um…uh…hmmm….*thinking of words*………laid the smack-down on those friggin’ Squirrels!
Well, he actually didn’t do it by himself, or with just him and his Peanut Army; he help from a Singing Cat named Juke (that is; Juke the Singing Cat), but that’s a REALLY long story, so for now we’ll just say he did it alone.
After he whooped the Squirrel Army’s ass, he began a top secret project (actually his scientists did, but it was really his idea). It was a really good plan, meant to make a super race of Peanuts. And guess what? It worked.
After three long years working, his scientist devised a plan to make all the Peanut People into Super Peanuts; they painted the entire populace of Peanut City (for security reasons I can’t tell where that is-never trust anyone!) Orange and changed their name’s from Peanut People to Orange Peanut People (the city was also called Orange Peanut City). Now that all the Peanuts were magical, the easily kept the Squirrels at bay, but failed to defeat them because the Squirrels had gained a new ally; Brussels-Sprouts!
I know Brussels-Sprouts aren’t Orange, but they ARE magically EVIL! I mean, they stink, they taste bad, and they give you really bad gas! Can’t much more magically evil than that, can you?
Well, enough un-important details (for now)! I really should get back to the history of the Orange Peanuts.
So anyway, the Orange Peanut People fought bravely (and magically) for many, many years. After many, many years, though, they decided that their name-Orange Peanut People-was way to long and ugly, so they shortened it to Orange Peanuts. That’s a lot better, huh?
Ever since then (which was a rather ling time ago) the Orange Peanuts have been fighting and dieing bravely to protect everything non-Evil Squirrel related.
So help the cause; if you see a squirrel that looks even mildly evil, kill the bitcher!
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As told by Ms. Signs.
Once upon a time, in the land of fairy tales, there lived an ant and a grasshopper. The ant knew how to separate work time from free time. At the beginning of each day, this ant would get up early and collect food to store for the winter. He had a lot of food saved up by the end of the summer. The grasshopper was a different story, he was very lazy. He kept saying he would do the work tomorrow. The ant warned the grasshopper that unless he sacrificed some free time to work, he might find himself dying of starvation when winter came. The grasshopper didn’t pay attention. He kept sleeping late, playing Nintendo games, and not working at all. Suddenly, winter came. The ant was successful in storing his food he went into his ant pile to rest, the grasshopper was cold and hungry. He hadn’t built a house, or stored any food. If this story were a true fairy tale, the grasshopper would have died, because he was unprepared. However, this ending reflects the true nature of ants and grasshoppers. In this story, the grasshopper decides to eat the ant, and take all his food.
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Buzz blared Elizabeth’s alarm. Elizabeth awoke and opened the blinds. The bright, gold, British sun shined through the window stinging her eyes like a blind man’s first site. She got out of bed and walked over to her computer. As she checked her E-mail she saw a message. It was from the Burns family in New York, New York. They invited her to come as an aupair to America.
Elizabeth ran to tell her parents the good news. It wasn’t long before the fourteen year old girl worked out all the details. Soon enough she was about to board her plain. Elizabeth felt a nervous feeling in her stomach. She had not yet seen any of the Burns family so you could understand her fear. Little did Elizabeth know that she would just now be exposed to insanity!
As Elizabeth stepped into the plane she saw an old man sitting across from her row on the right side of the plain. He looked to be in his fifties drinking a glass of orange juice. Elizabeth sat between to old men. One was senile and the other nearly deaf. Elizabeth thought to herself that this was going to be an interesting flight. As she fastened her seatbelt she was exposed to the pure maddness.
“Hello Young Lady, what is your name,” asked the senile looking old man. “I’m Bert but you can call me honey pie.”
“I’m Elizabeth.” “And sir what’s your name,” she asked looking at the second old man.”
“Notre Dame, a heck of a football team.”
“No!” Exclaimed Elizabeth. “Your name!” “What is your name.”
“They are certainly not lame!”
“Your name,” Elizabeth stated very slowly.
“Oh my name.” “Why didn’t you ask me sooner?” “I’m Jack.”
“And I’m Barry, Mrs. Beautiful,” said the first man.”
Barry reaches under his seat and pull out the small cup from a Children’s Tylenol bottle. Then he reaches under again and pulls out a carton of Orange Juice. He sips out of the carton. The stuardest comes and gives the man another carton. She then offers everyone a bag of peanuts. When she first comes to Elizabeth’s row she talks to Jack first.
“Here are your nuts, sir.”
“I’m not nuts!” I may not be one of them young fellers, but I’m still hip.”
“Let me tell you a story nut lady.”
“Where’s my passport to fun?” Interrupted Bert. “You can’t have the ice cream, Jill.” “Let’s dance.” I can’t afford that, refuse a chicken to my wife.”
“Huh,” Jack stated.
“Get me another carton of Orange Juice, I’m going for the record.”
Elizabeth got up and stayed in the bathroom for the next eight hours. She came out when the plane landed. Elizabeth came out of the plain and into New York City. She saw a family. There was an old lady in a wheel chair, a small man standing next to a big woman in overalls and a yellow shirt, a kid who looks about twelve wearing braces head gear, and a small Japanese woman.
“Welcome to the family,” exclaimed the woman! “This is Grandma Burns.” “This is my husband Chris.” “This little bundle of metallic joy is my son Nicholas.” ” And this is our Japanese aupair Ms. Woo.” “You can call me Momma!”
Elizabeth took her bags with her and everyone loaded into the Burn’s old Station Wagon. Momma started the engine and drove off. Bang! Boom, roared the engine as hordes of dust blasted out of the tail pipe like a sandstorm.
Everyone drove down to a local resturant. Ala’s BBQ “The Best Food in Ala New York.” Everyone sat down to eat. After they gave their orders they started up a conversation.
“Hey there Nicky,” stated Ms. Woo.
“Don’t call him that,” exclaimed Momma! “Call him one of those nick names again and all loose my mind!”
“Liz, do they eat fatty foods in Great Britian?” Asked Grandma. “Because your rather husky.” “I never had a very good history with husky people!” “No offense of course.”
Soon enough the bill come reading fourteen dollars and eighty-six cents. When Grandma saw the bill she gasped and put her hand over her heart. Momma tipped over Grandma’s wheel chair. Then the entire family got in the Station Wagon and drove off.
To be continued……
One day, in a small city called Kingsburg in California there live a family of four people. There are two parents with two children. One child is a girl and the other is a girl also. The two children don’t get along very well probably because of their age difference. Their parents think of everything, trying to make them get along. When they have an idea they would write it down on a piece of paper and later that day they would try it.
The five-year-old girl is named Tina, and the other seven-year-old daughter is named Susan. One idea that the parents came up with is to take them both to their Aunt Helen’s house, so that they can spend some quiet time together in the playroom. The parents thought that they might just get along if they get to play pirates or Robin Hood or some other game like that together.
It worked at first when they were playing Sleeping Beauty. But after awhile they began arguing and arguing led to fighting. They were fighting about who will be the witch and who will be the princess. The parents sighed and had to go back to the drawing board. Another idea the parents came up with that might just bring their two children to become civil with each other is to assign Tina and Susan, to a project. Their project turned out to be a Birthday card for their Aunt Helen.
That idea didn’t work because Tina drew a heart on the top left corner of the card, red and Susan wanted it to be blue. So they began fighting once again. The parents sighed and tried again. The next idea for the children is to switch places for a day. If they do this, they can find out something interesting about each other.
At first, Tina and Armen thought that this idea was going to be fun but after the day went by, they hated the idea because Tina went into her room and Armen went into his room. When the parents said that they also had to switch rooms for the night, the two kids started to cry. The parents started getting very frustrated with this whole situation. After thinking for awhile, they came up with a very simple and, at the same time, genius solution.
That simple solution was to politely ask Tina and Armen to participate and really try to get along. The two parents told them what they were trying to do for so long which was to try to make Tina and Susan to get along. Their kids understood because they too were sick of fighting every day. About a week later the two parents saw much improvement with their kids, and they are now a very happy family.
As I walked around the crowded quad with my friend Christina, I noticed that next to the wall grew a beautiful flower called a rose. So I sat down on a nearby bench, and started to study this wonderful plant. I found out a couple interesting facts about this rose. For example, it smelled like a perfume that my mother wears to a party or to her work. It has spiky thorns located on its stem, and has the color pink and red in its petals. Later, I saw a bug on a lunch table that scared Christina and me because we had not seen such a bug before. It had a lime green body with six legs, three on each side of its body. It jumped about three inches high into the air, kind of like a baby cricket.
A couple of feet away from the bug there lay a trash can, in the dirt next to some grass and weeds. The trash can became covered in dirt from the wind. It used to smell like rubber, but now it smells like trash. I saw some kids squash it a couple of days ago, which can destroy the environment. I smelled many things in the quad that I did not notice until I really gave it some thought. For example, the air smelled of a hot dog which came from the snack shop. The trees smelled of pine.
I’ve learned that there are many smells in not only the quad but everywhere in the world. There are also plants, little tiny creatures, interesting smells, and many other things on this Earth, that we need to take some time to think about. For all we know, those facts that we came up with will be very handy in our future.
Written in conjunction with elmoisfurry
It all started with an avocado. That damn fruit. I hate avocados. Avocados are green. They bounce. I don’t like bouncy things. Especially bouncing avocados that are green and hit mailman car thingys. This is my story. I’m a postal worker.
“BOO!!” said Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man. Naturally, I screamed. I was a bit of a pansy. I AM a mailman. I run away from a lot of things. Kittens…dogs…myself, but most of all clothes hangers. Clothes hangers are scary. They’re all pointy and stuff. If you brought one up to me, I’d scream like a little girl in a yellow polka dot dress. Its horrible…not really.
Y’know what I did when Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man scared me? I PEED MY PANTS! Quack, quack, quack, moo pie. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man laughed at my pants, and gave me a free Moon Pie. The Moon Pie was cold. Mmmmmmmmm moon pie, taste like…………..moon. I had to think of a way to leave the Ice Cream Truck man…so I told him my peas were getting cold. He said he understood, and he left.
I was at home. In my underwear. Not boxers, but whitey tighties. I like the way they feel. My mother is a nut. Seriously. She’s a walnut. A giant walnut. Don’t ask me how my dad got me. It is a science unknown to man. Ahglahglah. So, I was sitting down…drinking a beer…watching soap operas…the good kind…you know, Vietnamese soap operas. I didn’t understand the soap operas, because the captions were in Vietnamese. That really pisses me off. But its funny because I dub for them. I record the soap operas and then leave them in the mail boxes I go to during work. Smell my cheese grater.
So, I went to work the next day. I had a few joints. Not like it mattered. I just tripped over a few chairs…regular postal etiquette. I got my box full of mail to make my rounds. It takes 9 hours at least to deliver all the mail. There’s this one guy that has half a box of mail everyday. Its all porn, too. He’s a crazy old man. I think he has two 89 year old granddaughters. He’s got to be as old as the White House. He has a dog, too, you know. It’s called Mr. Giant Fluffy Bunny Fur. Mr. GFBF for short. She (the dog) smells like Dr. Pepper and guacamole. Anywho!
I have my own place, but its a pile of mulch. I bought it on ebay. Ebay is a cool thingy. You can get beer for one dollar. And its easier than going to the store I live under. Sometimes, the toilets leak, and the flushed toilet water seeps through the boards, and waters my plants. I just had a seizure. Ok, now, I’ll tell you about my pets. I have a pet keyboard. He types stuff. He talks with me when I pet him. He only does it when he’s turned on. Yes…
Comma. Wait….coma. I’m in a coma. I don’t know how, but I am. Ok, I’m out of it. That was a nice one second coma. I’ll tell you a story. Its about a patio chair, and the way it impaled me.
I was sitting on a chair. Then my only friend, Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man, took his patio chair, and stuck it up my nose. LISTEN TO MY GIANT BLOATED ORANGE!!! LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!! I screamed, and screamed and screamed. It hurt like a mother walrus. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man said he was sorry, and left, ringing his bell. I don’t know why he did that, because he didn’t have a bell…
I’ll tell you about a pillow. Pillows are funny. They’re soft and cuddly. But they’re also deadly. The feathers in my pillow punctured through the material surrounding it, and jammed into my eye. I thought I was being speared like a fish. OoOOoo, look at the lumpy sack of graham crackers.
I’m going to talk about a vacuum cleaner now. Vacuum cleaners are noisy. Sorta like a toilet, but the flushing noise is always there. Its really annoying. I’ll tell you something about vacuum cleaners. You can get sucked into them. Only if you’re two foot four or under. Jabba the Hut makes good slushies. I like the Backstreet Boys. They’re silly. SILLY LIKE A MOTH! That means they’re stupid, and they eat cloth. I’ll tell you another thing about them.
Oh, I have another story.
Wait, wait. I’m not done
Once upon a time there was a shoe salesman named Jenkins. He had a terrible life. He was gay, an alcoholic, weighed 450 pounds, and he hadn’t sold a pair of shoes since 1978. Then one day the tooth fairy came to him. He said “what the hell are you doing here, you’re the tooth fairy, get away”. The tooth fairy said “No. You are pretty weird. I’m here to help you and you won’t except my help. What kind of position are you in to shoo me away huh fatty?” Then Jenkins said fine, What should I do. So the tooth fairy extracted all of his teeth, made his hair pink, made him work out until he weighed 98 pounds, and put him in a permanent tutu. His life got even worse. So he shot the tooth fairy with a shot gun and he exploded. Jenkins is living in a mental institution as of now and the tooth fairy has not been seen since. The moral of the story is, don’t trust the tooth fairy or your life will suck forever.
Moo, Pennsylvania, probably the smallest town in America should go down in history. It has a population of twelve people, 436 chickens, 115 pigs, and an old dog that ironically has the name Puppy. The town consists of four houses, a one room school house that has four students, a gas station, and of course a KFC. Now in this town people have the choice of three careers–a gas station attendant, a teacher who teaches every grade, or a farmer.
Now in this town lives a man named Billy Bob. Fat, ugly and stupid, nobody likes Billy Bob. Due to his lack of social skills, Billy Bob has worn the same shirt and jeans for two years. For some odd reason, he smells like shoe polish. He’s very clumsy and almost always doing something wrong. In a town with a population of twelve people it’s easy for people to get on each other’s nerves. People were considering throwing him out of town.
One day while Billy Bob was working in the cornfields, he tripped over a bag and fell in some cow poop. He began to swear and punch at nothing, when he decided to take a look in the bag. In it was one million dollars in hundred dollar bills. Billy Bob immediately decided what he wanted to do with it. First, he wanted to buy a bunch of chicken wings, second, he wanted to buy a boat (this should show you what kind of an idiot he was, seeing as there was no water within 150 miles, and he had no car), and, third, he wanted to buy some gum.
He immediately went to the KFC and ordered 200 buckets of chicken wings. The waitress asked if he could pay for it and he showed her the bag. He began to eat his chicken wings. After he was pleasantly full, he walked outside and tripped over a pig. He hit his head on a nearby truck and broke his neck and died.
The waitress, noticing he had left his bag in the KFC, walked outside after him with the bag of money. The Mafia all of a sudden gunned her down, and they took the money. The Mafia then shot at the gas station to blow the town up. Their plan, however, backfired. Not only did they blow up the town, but themselves as well. The money hasn’t been seen since.
The moral of the story is don’t fire a gun when your right next to a gas station after killing a waitress who has a million dollars in her hand because a man named Billy Bob had stupidly forgotten it in a KFC. If you do this, you will die.
The first time I saw the lady, I knew my life was over. But why start the story at the end? Let’s start from the beginning…
It was Saint Patrick’s Day, and everyone was drunk. That’s when I was made. Ain’t it grand? Anyway, I got born. Momma said I’d be a good janitor. Dadda said that I’d make a good towel rack. So I did what I thought I should do for a career. Be a janitor. Momma always liked it when I helped her work at home. She was a homework maker. The type of person that makes homework worksheets for schools and lazy teachers to use when they didn’t want to make their own.
Annnnnyyywayyy….my parents named me when I was old enough to go to college, even though I would never go to college. They named me after their favorite restaurant. Burger King. Burger King was a strong, forceful name, Dadda said. Dadda never married Momma. That meant Dadda could go out and hump the grass whenever he wanted. Dadda and Momma wanted to get married, but unfortunately, they were waiting for me to make income before they could use my money to get married, and give 5 dollars to all the dancers that would come. They were planning a grand marriage. One that would never come, because a freak accident happened to them. An invisible man came over and chopped their heads off, while they were getting stoned.
Poor unfortunate parents…
ANYWAY. I got hired at a school, and was treated with respect, people were so nice to me, saying hi to me then walking away laughing. I’m glad I made them happy. I think it was my smell that did it.
One day, I heard a rumor from one of the loser kids I became friends with, and sometimes buy alcohol for so he can give to other people, that a teacher was all high on heroin, and was raped 56 times up the ass. Of course it was a rumor, it wasn’t true…
Or was it?
I will never forget that day…February 31, 2009. You may say “hey wait a minute, February doesn’t have 31 days!” Well, I say to you “WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!” In the year 2009, the inhabitants of Bahrain got pissed off that February only had 28 days, and 29 days for some years, that they made a proposition at the United Nations to change that. Europe was in an outrage, and so was the Americas. But, China and India got behind Bahrain. The world made war on itself over the issue. Eventually a smart man said, “lets jus thave 31 days in February.” And everyone said, “ok” and stopped fighting. Treaties were signed, movies were made, history book writers were bored, and everyone went back to their boring old jobs.
Besides the fact that only a puppy lost his life from natural causes during the war, it was about time that…um…whatever…
Anyway, that teacher I told you about? 9 months after I heard that rumor, I saw her wobbling down the hallway, all fat and shit, and she shoulda been teaching her damn fangled Social Studies class. That bitch. She was screaming something about her water breaking to me, but I looked at the drinking fountain and it looked fine to me. Then she shook me by the collar screaming, “take me to the hospital, you assholeeeeee!!!”
I never been to a hospital, so I grabbed her, and got into my janitor car thingy, and shoved her in it too, driving down the main road in town, hoping to find the thing she was talking about.
I saw a big blue sign. Momma said that hospitals have big blue signs so I assumed it was the hospital, so I drove through the windows but when I crashed through it, everyone was sitting down at tables…eating pancakes…since when did hospitals have pancakes? But…I was wrong. Dead wrong.
The teacher was pissing all over the place, tossing baby poop, baby pee and babies all around the place,and people got pissed off and threw up, and tossed their pancakes at the waiters. Of course the waiters were getting mad, so the waiters charged the customers more money. We were smack dab in the middle of an IHOP. Don’t blame me, I’m just a janitor…