Joke #18695

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

The way he tells it, the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

 

Joke #18668

Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time.

Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, “What did he start doing instead of these things?”

After a slight pause, she smiled and said, “Well, my sister is pregnant now.”

 

Joke #18641

Enjoying her vacation in Hawaii, Lisa called a cafe to make reservations for 7 P.M. Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, “I’m sorry, but all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?”

“That’s fine,” Lisa said.

“Okay,” the woman confirmed. Then she added, “Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table.”

 

Joke #18629

In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer’s home.

The woman very specifically said, “From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox.”

As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, “What color is your house?”

The woman paused a second and said, “Hold on. I’ll go check.”

 

Joke #18578

At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, “I need a baseball quote.”

I immediately answered with Yogi Berra’s famous “It ain’t over ’til it’s over!”

There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, “What was that?”

“You asked me for a baseball quote,” I responded, “and that was the first thing that came into my head.”

“Oh,” she replied. “My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote.”

I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: “Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?”

 

Joke #18573

Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

“How old is the coffee you have here?” I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve only been working here two weeks.”

 

Joke #18556

A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”

The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”

The first woman asked, “Did it help?”

Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”

 

Woman’s Dictionary

– Yes = No.

– No = Yes.

– Maybe = No.

– I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.

– We need = I want.

– It’s your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.

– Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

– We need to talk = I need to complain.

– Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.

– I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron.

– This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

– I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.

– I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

– Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

– How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.

– I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

– You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

– Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.

 

Joke #18440

A well-to-do young man met a beautiful young woman at an exclusive party and was immediately smitten with her. He took her on the town and eventually to his apartment where he discovered she was not only a beautiful woman, but also well-groomed, cultured and very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he offered her a glass of wine and asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry.

“Oh, Sherry,” she said, “by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the Gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.  When that gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion…

“On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

 

Joke #18396

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.

“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”