Tag Archives: wife

Joke #11994

A man with two badly burned ears went to see his doctor.

“What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well,” began the man, “my wife was ironing while I was watching a ball game on TV.  She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answer the iron.”

The doctor nodded.  “But what happened to the other ear?”

“No sooner did I hang up,” said the man, “than the same guy called up again!”

Joke #9308: Child Support

A man frantically calls 911 and says, “Help…my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart”.

The 911 operator asks, “is this her first child?”

To which the man replies, “Of course not, you idiot…this is her husband.”

Another version of this joke:

Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What’s  the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher:  Is this her first child?
Caller:  No, you idiot!  This is her husband!

Joke #9290: Cream of Weight

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender’s having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

“Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?””

The guy answers, “I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I’ve had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream.”

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. “So you came home and found cream on the weight?”

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, “It’s worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter.”

Joke #9286: Shirley You Can’t Be Serious

“That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him at the bar.

“How do you know?” the friend asked.

“She didn’t come home last night, and when I asked her where she’d been, she said that she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley. And I know that’s a lie because I spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”

Joke #9277: That Time of the Month

One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.

“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”

He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”

Joke #9273: Nothing But the Truth

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. “Honey, if I lie, I’ll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.”

His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . .”

“But, what?”

“Let me put it this way,” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed.”

Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so?”

Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away.”

Joke #9265: Wild Hearts Can Be Broken

A blonde man comes home from work and hears his wife yelling. He runs up the stairs and finds her in bed naked; the blonde asks his wife what’s wrong.

She says she’s having a heart attack. He runs downstairs to call 911 where he finds his 5 year old son.

The boy cries, “Daddy, uncle’s in the closet naked!”

So the dolt runs back upstairs and opens the closet and sure enough there was his brother naked in his closet.

“I can’t believe it!” he yells, “My wife has an emergency and you’re running around scaring the kids!”

Joke #9263: Bridge Over the River Quiet

JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn’t want to hear them.

To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they’d just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.

Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, “You know, girls, there’s a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . ” Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.

JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, “Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There’s plenty of time because the bus doesn’t leave until morning!”

Joke #9237: A *Real* Dog

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.”

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you.”

“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

Joke #9227

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and said with trepidation, “Well what did you name them?”

The brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”

The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?”

The brother replied, “Denephew.”

Joke #9216

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

“Sir,” I said politely, “Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”

“Okay,” the computer support guy said, “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”