Tag Archives: A DPB Tag

Dan is a CPA

Dan is a CPA.  He is a good CPA.  He spent 20 years of his life in school to become a CPA.  He got a job with the United States government, and he did CPA-ing to its finest.

He was nominated for best CPA at the CPA-award giving awards.  But he lost to some other guy named Fernando, cause Fernando was a Mexican and Dan was white.

So, one day, some of Fernando’s rabid fans threw copious amounts of tequila on his front lawn, and set Dan’s house on fire.

Dan lost his home.

The next day, Dan was called into his boss’ office, and his boss fired him because he had nowhere to send his checks and he doesn’t want homeless people working for him.

Dan was banned from CPA-ing ever again.  So, he borrowed money from the mafia and he didn’t pay back his loan and they broke his skull.

Moral:  Get Direct Deposit.

Three iPods for Free?

Ok, so this guy wanted to give me three iPods for free, and I was like what foo?  You ain’t gettin no I’s with pods meaning you ain’t gettin no iPods for free even if you were about to die from cancer or even if your penis were to fall off in the next 300 seconds and all of a sudden your intestines stopped working and released all your excretories onto my face and then bounced up and killed your friends, my manager, and the iPods you were trying to get.

Fake Game: Slave Trade Tycoon

Slave Trade Tycoon is a game that is similar to other “Tycoon” games like Roller Coaster Tycoon, Railroad Tycoon, and Marine Park Empire.

You can choose from many time periods to slave trade in, including “the past” (easy), “the present” (normal), and “the future” (hard).  The further in time you go, the harder it gets to keep your slave trade in business, due to new humanitarian laws and the rise of individual self-worth among developing nations.

The goal of this game is to try to make money by raising and selling slaves.  You can build many kinds of things that promote your slave trade business, making it easier to supply your customers (short-term profit) with slaves or put them to work on your own personal properties (long-term profit).

You can allocate which slaves work where, and they increase in sale value depending on conditions such as youth, strength, current health, will power (bad), stupidity (good), and how many different types of jobs they can do.

Another element of the game is keeping a balance in the morale of your slaves.  Being nice to your slaves is good, but you don’t want your slaves to think you are too nice of a guy, that would mean they’d walk all over you.  There are many ways to be a slave trade master — rule with an iron fist, a warm blanket, or both!

Many different cultures/themes are available, along with their own specific goals, such as:

Egyptian – Making the pyramids.

American – Plantations

Germany – Slave Camp

Russia – Prostitution

Alien – Human slave camps

Different problems that occur during the game that challenge your skills include:

Slave riots

Slave escape (Underground Railroads)

Civil Wars/Wars with other nations

Plagues/Diseases

Enrichment or Just “Richment”?

Enriched foods are everywhere.

Rarely ever do you see non-enriched foods anymore.  I remember a time when Orange Juice didn’t have calcium or when milk was just Vitamin D (naturally) instead of Vitamin A and D.  I remember when cereal didn’t have 800 nutritious vitamins and minerals, which make even the worst cereals that you could possibly eat into the equivalent of supplemental pills.

However, this what they tell us is in the foods we eat.  How do WE know for certain those things are in there?  Sure, there’s laws, but it doesn’t mean food manufactures ACTUALLY put them in, does it?  Who bothers testing each and every random box for those random vitamins and minerals?

And what good does all that crap do for us anyway?  It’s all just a ploy — an excuse for them to charge us more, and to accept rolling backpacks as “okay to use.”  Damn them.

We Need More Holiday Songs

O Christmas Tree, Santa Baby, Here Comes Santa Claus, White Christmas, the list goes on.  How many songs have we heard a million times?  How many versions of the same songs must we choke down?

A horrendous onslaught of holiday music is upon us every time we get into the months of November and December, as Christmas, the month-long holiday is the time we love to be tortured by it.

Not only do we have to buy buy buy, but we have to listen to millionaire corporate slaves sing yet another version of that “Do You Know What I Know” song that takes forever to listen to.  We’re already tossing hordes of cash out the windows into the pockets of companies in the RIAA — couldn’t they possibly hire some fuckers to write some new songs?  Isn’t 300 versions of each Christmas song from each new generation of singers enough?

Oh goody, DJ Whatshisface made a remix of Joy to the World and DJ Megaloser made O Christmas Tree v. Santa Baby.  Or let’s have Britney Spears sing the 12 Days of Christmas — that’s new and exciting!

What is even more annoying is that each time the song is remade, the singer adds their own little “flair” to it, so you would remember that in BigBoobedMovieStarNowASinger said “Yeayyeeyeahheeyaa!” at the end of each sentence in the song.  It’s crap!

Sometimes bands make new Christmas songs, I’m sure, so why can’t we just stop dragging on those same fucking songs we have to listen to over and over?  They’re so fucking old!  Fuck them all!  And where are the Thanksgiving songs?!  I want to hear songs about how we screwed the Native Americans and killed turkeys!

The Magical Dishwasher

One day a garbage collector, who was a female, was working, collecting garbage.

When she got to the old blue house, she exclaimed “why is there a dishwasher in front of this old blue house?”

Little did she know, the dishwasher was a magical dishwasher.  Once she held the dishwasher in her hands to put it in the garbage truck, it began to glow!

The dishwasher opened up and plates and cups began to float in the air, all sparkly clean.

“My, oh my, I wish my dishes were this clean after putting them in my dishwasher!”  Unfortunately for the garbage collector, the dishes surrounded her and began to take control of her body.  The dishwasher sucked her in, along with all the dishes, and the garbage truck.

Suddenly, the dishwasher turned into a large demon robot.  “My name is John Ramses!” the large robot exclaimed.  “And through political lobbying I will acquire all the waste contracts for LA County and make John Ramses the number one trash and waste power in the world!”

John Ramses picked up his demon robot briefcase and walked in the nearest City Hall, and slowly worked on his trash-picking empire.  By 2015, John Ramses had overtaken all the contracts in the world.

Moral of the story: Don’t take things that aren’t yours.

Equals Infinity

Here’s a fun game to play on your calculator!  Its called Equals Infinity.  The new calculator game that’s taking bored high school math students by storm!

How to set it up:

1. Press 1 + 1 on your calculator.

How to play:

Press the “equal” sign forever or for a desired length of time.

Only works on calculators that will automatically add 1 every time you press the “equal” sign.

Different ways to play this game:

Time trial – shortest time for amount of clicks.

Best lap – maximum amount of clicks in a certain amount of time

Competition – go against others!  Best clicks after time expires.

Quote #20824: The Scary Bald Man Confrontation

This entry is part 15 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

This happened a long time ago, circa 2006 or 2007.

Cashier: What’s the return policy on books?

davepoobond: No returns.

Cashier: What if he just bought it?

davepoobond: I don’t know, you’d have to ask a book manager.

Scary Bald Man comes over and stares at davepoobond meanly and doesn’t even say anything.  davepoobond just looks at him with a blank stare.

Scary Bald Man looks away for a second, in which davepoobond looks at the receptionist at the desk with him with a “what the fuck” look, and the guy looks back, seeing davepoobond looking weirdly at the guy.  He resumes to stare davepoobond down for another second.  At which point, walking away, he takes a step back towards davepoobond.

Scary Bald Man: I just bought the book, it hasn’t left the store okay??  I just want a refund!

davepoobond (to himself): Sorry, what do you want me to do about it?  I can’t approve it.

For the next five minutes, the guy keeps staring at davepoobond until the cashier comes back.

davepoobond walks around uncomfortably.

davepoobond (mumbling to the receptionist): “Why is this guy still staring at me?”

Eventually he is dealt with and leaves the store.

The Lost Money Theory

There is a lot of money that goes unspent.  In fact it is so unspent that it is LOST.

I’m not talking about money burned down in a fire or whatever.  I’m talking about money that still exists in the form it was created in, but is in a place where it will never be used again.

Take for example, a lowly penny on the ground.  Pennies are worth less than the metal that is used to create it.  Not only is this two cent piece of metal only worth one cent, but to some its not even worth keeping.  It gets thrown away into a trash can or stuffed into an empty soda bottle and shipped off to a landfill.

How many thrown away coins are sitting in landfills right now?  How much “accidentally” thrown away money is sitting somewhere never to be used again?

It is in my professional opinion that there is enough to take a damper on the economy.  We’ve ultimately wasted resources to create things that are meant to be used, only to have them thrown away.  How many millions of times would that penny have passed through hands?  How many times would that torn up one dollar bill been passed through a stripper’s ass crack?

These are trying times, friends.  We need to take a look at how we physically use our money.  We need to make sure every penny is spent wisely, and not thrown away.  We need to press our pennies into weird shapes at amusement parks for 50 cents.  Avoid throwing pennies into wishing fountains that do not get cleaned out regularly.  A lake is not a wishing fountain, do not throw your nickels and dimes into lakes.  Instead, throw it off the Empire State Building, where it can implant itself into someone’s head, to be removed at a later date and spent on a Snickers bar by the doctor who just spent 8 hours in surgery trying to remove it.

We must not devalue the very thing that is tantamount to our culture — money.