Graveball (PC) Review

Developer: Goin’ Yumbo Games | Publisher: 3D Realms || Overall: 3.0/10

Graveball is a perfect example of wasted efforts, and it makes me feel bad.  The game is no good, but maybe it could have been better if so much time wasn’t spent on a multiplayer mode no one would ever use.  It is also never a good sign when the freakin’ Tutorial is more fun than your actual game.

Graveball is basically an “alternative sports” game, where the goal is to put the Graveball in your opponent’s zone for more than two seconds.  There’s a smattering of influences from football, soccer, basketball, and hockey, I suppose.  There is also an “arena brawler” aspect where you kill your opponents and if you wipe out the team that’s also another way to score.  For some reason, there’s a loading screen after each score which destroys the continuity of gameplay.

There’s not much point in really trashing the game.  Simply put, it’s bad.  It looks ugly and plays like mashed potatoes.  I suppose it works when you play it, but the gameplay isn’t engaging and there’s only one game mode.  You can play with bots, and probably local multiplayer if you happen to be into BDSM and coax your gimp into playing it with you.

There’s an online multiplayer mode.  You can make custom games, or click “Quick Play” to get instantly matched up with people.  Actually, scratch that “instant” part.  My Quick Play timer is now at 15 minutes and it will never stop counting because nobody is playing this game.

There are customization options for your Goblin character, including masks, hair styles, weapons, and taunts.  You get 25 “Ball Bucks” for losing a game against bots, and 50 if you win.  The prices for new items are astronomical, considering the rate you earn this currency.  Additionally, if you want to unlock another style, it is randomly unlocked from the available list (you can’t even choose), so if you want that Evil Bunny mask you’re probably going to never get it if you don’t get lucky with the first couple “free” rolls you get with the starting balance and shortly before uninstalling.

I suppose the music is fine.

 

Squacklecast Episode 1 – “Episode 468”

This entry is part 1 of 37 in the series The Squacklecast

Hello everyone!  This is the first episode of the Squacklecast, named “Episode 468,” with your hosts davepoobond and Solid Billy.  If you aren’t aware, you can click the “play” button above to start the podcast.  You can also play it in a popup window or even download it.

This post is meant to supplement the Squacklecast so that you can easily refer to all the things that we are talking about.

Katy Perry – Part of Me music video

Taxi Driver is a movie with Robert De Niro and Cybill Shepherd.

That Justin Bieber magazine cover I was talking about:

He looks like a girl.

He looks like a girl.

Lesbians That Look Like Justin Bieber on Tumblr.com

Sarah Jessica Parker Looks Like a Horse.com

This movie that I hate called The Blind Side.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Sandra Bullock is good in Crash because she’s good at being a racist.

But her best movie is really Demolition Man.

The necessarily annoying foil to Keanu Reeves in Speed.

That He-man recut of that LMFAO song.

Bridesmaids was bad.

Ninja Vixens on Google Image Search

Surf Nazis Must Die

And here’s a Youtube trailer.

Netflix doesn’t have Hard to Kill

But they have Ernest Goes to Camp.

Ernest Goes to Camp is 4.99 at Best Buy but you have to get 2 other movies too…

Solid Billy is still waiting for Steel, the blacksmith empowerment film, on Netflix!  Get on it, Reed Hastings!

Fresyes?  More like Fresno, since they rolled it out everywhere recently – Doritos Tacos Locos at Taco Bell.

A tribute to 3D chips.

Samuel L. Jackson dies in Deep Blue Sea.  Or was it the Abyss?  I don’t even fuckin know what movie I’m watching.

The Abyss is about aliens in the water.

I swear I saw Avatar.

Avatar is a total rip off of the following movies:

Fantastic Planet

ThumbelinaThe Love Story in Avatar is pretty much this movie.

Fern Gully: The Last RainforestI swear this is pretty much the trailer for Avatar.

WE NEED A SPORTS GUY

I might have talked to her once on the phone…

So hawt.

Davepoobond talked to her on the phone once, maybe.

How to Make a Better Podcast

Until next time, folks!

 

Major To Major

I’ll say a sentence, and for various majors, I will translate for you:

“In physics class, he almost fell on the slippery floor.”

Physics: “In physics class, the coefficient of friction was such that he almost collided with the ground at an impact which would be painful, but he quickly shifted his center of mass to overcome the change in displacement of his feet in relation to the rest of his body.”

Education: “Now class, make sure you watch where you step, or you might fall down and get a boo-boo!”

Business: “Judging from our third quarter report, sales are down because the floor was slippery, but our stockholders will catch us if Human Resources gets their act together.”

Chemistry: “Ka-blamo!”

Sports Management: “STEVENSON! GET YOUR ASS OFF THE FLOOR! THIS ISN’T A SLUMBER PARTY! I WANT YOU TO RUN 30 MORE LAPS!”

Theatre: “Alas, science has fallen me yet again. This floor, laden with water of Hades, seeks to claim my soul. Lo! If only thou wouldst catch me at my utmost diagonal juxtaposition, your thanks would be mine to give.”

Art: “The pea green chalkboard distracted the fleshy-colored person from the transparent water, and he slipped on the beige floor.”

Pre-law: “Your Honor, my client, the floor, had no involvement in the slippage, as the water was placed there without the floor’s consent. The floor is not slippery given the right conditions. I move for a mis-trial.”

Undecided: “Uh…..”

History: “The Mayans were a very advanced civilization. Many Mayan scholars were learned in physics, and pretty much everyone knew that if a floor was slippery, to let their slaves to mop it up and put a wet floor sign up.”

Computer Science:

try {
Walk->chalkboard;
if (floor == slippery)
throw (walking_error(Sussman));
}

catch (exception & fall) {
cout << fall.what() << “You almost fell. Nerd.” endl;
}

 

Music: “Why would I go to physics? My major involves learning nothing.”

Liberal Studies: “Same here.”

Psychology: “The floor’s inferiority complex conflicted with the subconscious of him, who wished nothing more than to walk over it like he did with his former self.”

Political Science: “If I’m elected, I will do everything in my power to ensure that our floors will never be too slippery. Vote for me.”

French: “Haw haw haw! You silly American pig!”

“You just can’t eat hot soup with your bare hands.”

Theology: “Thou shalt not consume unleavened bread with thine arms of God.”

Theatre: “Soup tempt me no further! Silverware must I use to defeat thee!”

Physics: “It is impossible to transfer soup of at least 120°F into one’s mouth using an apparatus, like hands, which cannot withstand the heat.”

Undecided: “Uhhhhhh.”

Education: “Now, Goldilocks thought the first bowl of porridge was too hot, but she didn’t have a spoon to use.”

Computer Science:

Soup campbell(cream_of_potato);
campbell.cook(5) // Cook for 5 minutes
if (!fork && campbell.temp() >= too_hot)
{ campbell.spill_down_your_shirt();
campbell.scream_in_agony();
}
Marketing: “This soup is hot hot hot! Too hot for hands! Only $99.95! Call now and we’ll throw in these special soup-eating gloves!”

Psychology: “Your hands are jealous of the soup and its intensity. This stems back to a repressed childhood memory in which your parents used to feed you strained peas which were way too hot and you cried.”

French: “We call soup bouillabaisse. Haw haw haw!”

Journalism: “Twelve ounces of soup were detained Monday when it scalded the hands of a local moron, authorities said.”

Music:

“Vegetable! (Vegetable!)
Chicken noodle! (Chicken noodle!)
Alphabet! (Alphabet!)
Spaghettios! (That ain’t soup!)
Matzoh ball! (Matzoh ball!)
Split pea! (No soup for you!)
Minestrone! (Minestrone!)
Tom Kha Gai! (That soup’s hot!)
Leeky-leeky! (Leeky-leeky!)
Wonton! (Wonton!)
Gazpacho! (You can do that!)”

– Da Vinci’s Notebook, “Hot Soup”

“The Devil Rays will not win the World Series this year.”

Theatre: “A dagger through my heart, and a baseball through my legs, our misled fish of the Devil shalt finish last.”

Nursing: “Doctor! The pitching staff is choking! Perform the Heimlich!”

Communications: “We need to tell people that the D-Rays suck, but by using as much technology as possible so it gets to all corners of the globe 1/100th of a second faster.

Undecided: “Uhh…”

Education: “Now class, it’s not whether you win or lose, but whether or not you finish in last place every year you’ve been in existence.”

Computer Science:

DevilRays.setLosses(100);
DevilRays.fire(“Lou Piniella”);
DevilRays.contract();

Music: “I have a useless major, but at least I got paid 50 bucks to sing the National Anthem.”

Journalism: “The Devil Rays, the minor league team of the Yankees, suffered another losing season and drew a total of 200 fans.”

Spanish: “I can’t talk right now. I have to get on a raft and defect to America, so I can play for the horrible Tampa Bay team.”

 

Joke #18673: Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

 

Silly Sports Talk

“Looks like I missed the bull’s-eye,” Tom said aimlessly.

“Give me a rubdown,” Tom said sorely.

“Let’s go camping if the weather is good,” Tom said tentatively.

“I’ve got a great tennis serve,” Tom said faultlessly.

“Would you go fishing with me?” Tom asked with baited breath.

“What this team needs is a great home-run hitter,” Tom said ruthlessly.

“I’m retiring from baseball,” Tom said with resignation.

“Something is wrong with my bowling,” Tom said gutterally.

“Is this boat tilting, or is it my imagination?” Tom asked listlessly.

“Want to Indian wrestle?” Tom asked bravely.

“Our canoe is headed for the falls!” Tom said rapidly.

“This horse won’t stop,” Tom said woefully.

 

Sports Bestsellers

Strike Three – by U.R. Out

Last-Inning Cliffhangers – by D. Bases, R. Loaded

Last-Second Touchdown – by Justin Time

Interception – by E. Bluitt

The Referee Is Always Right – by R.U. Nuts

Sports Medicine – by Frank N. Stein

The Washington Redskins – by T.P. Dweller

Great Basketball Plays – by Jim Shoes

Improve Your Foul Shooting – by Mr. Completely

Basketball Bloopers – by Dub L. Dribble

Calisthenics – by Stan Dupp and Neil Down

Skateboard Hotdogging – by Frank Furter

Ice Hockey for Beginners – by I.M. Freezin

Hockey Plays – by I.C. Tose

Bowling Strikes – by M.T. Lane

Boxing Knockouts – by Seymour Stars