Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free.  Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.

 

The Melon Conspiracy

The magical world of Melone. Melone was beautiful place. So green, free from corruption. And so beautiful. From far away, the planet looked like a Honeydew Melon, orbited by a watermelon moon.

The technologically less superior planet of Squashe resented the happiness of Melone. When Melone had all these nice shapen melons, Squashe’s squash was in all messed up shapes, and most looked like huge penises. It wasn’t a very comforting fact to know that you are eating a limp penis. Pumpkins, Squash, Zucchini. The list goes on and on, and no one liked it. People treated Squashe like Squash. They passed it around the table, taking pokes at it and then pass it onto a gullible bastard who would eat the squash. No one liked Squashe. Not even the Squashens.

Squashens absolutely despised the Melonies, and often poked fun at them, even though none of their jokes were even funny. One was: What is the name of a male living on Melone? Melanie!

See? Its-not-funny. Anyway, RoboCop, the leader of Melone, decided enough was enough and RoboCop got all the Melonian armies and whupped Squashe’s ass. Yeah! Alright yessssss! Squashe stinks!!

RoboCop placed Melone’s flag on the highest point of Squashe. And so began the Melonian empire! This is what the flag looked like:

The END