noantedog – n. a two million dollar birthday party
I hate you
You hate me
Barneys gonna die and I’m happy,
Beat him hard all day,
And hang him from the head
Let’s all party
Barney is a dinosaur who just died yesterday.
We stuffed his body in a card board box and sent it.
Who did we send it to?
We sent it to baby bop.
Baby Bop threw up and now we’ll have to clean it up!
Barney is perished so we threw a party!
cuclefso – n. a USC sticker-burning party
Raymond: “since we’re a day ahead, can we have a party?”
Dr. OldNBald: “oh yeah, we’re havin’ a party on Friday…”
::Dr. OldNBald points to “test on Fri.” written on the blackboard::
– from davepoobond’s high school
Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Answer the next 10 questions, and tally up your results at the end to see your fate.
Total up how many of each Introvert and Extrovert answers you’ve selected.
If you’ve chosen more answers that are marked as Introvert, then you’re a loner. Get some friends. Or play volleyball.
If you selected more answers that are marked as Extrovert, then you’re an asshole. You might want to keep yourself a little contained, you try-hard.
If you chose more of the third answer in this quiz, then you are either extremely lame or really really crazy.
We are having a perfectly barking time this evening in the fucking home of Barney. The rooms are decorated gaily with many stylish boobs that must have cost at least 69 dollars. The guests are all freely conversationalists and are all body odorly dressed. Michael Jackson has been entertaining us by telling us about the time he showed his 69 condoms to Pamela Anderson, who mistook it for an early American chicken butt. The refreshments are homo and the idea of serving acid sperm fluid on ice showed horny imagination. Visiting here is always a corny experience.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
Q: What did one owl say to the other owl at the party?
A: “This party’s a hoot!”
Q: What kind of friends did the ghost invite to his party?
A: Oh, just anyone he could dig up!
Q: What did they say about the ghost’s house party?
A: It was a howling success!
Q: Why wasn’t the ghost popular at parties?
A: He wasn’t much to look at!
“overwrought with the birthday party he’s having, Little Johnny couldn’t go to sleep”