The Metric System is for Wussies

This entry is part 2 of 4 in the series This Is Satire

This was written as an editorial and given as a speech in front of dave’s 12th grade English class.


America has come to be the most advanced country in the world. We are a super power, yet we don’t use the metric system, like the rest of the world. Sure, you could say that the U.S. is trying to be different than all the other countries of the world, kind of like how we have cars with the drivers on the left side. But, this is not the case.

The reason America does not change to the metric system, is because the metric system is for wussies. Everything is so easy in the metric system, a scientist may say. Everything goes in increments of ten. Well maybe we don’t want to go in increments of ten. We assert ourselves against this, because we’d rather go in increments of different numbers that don’t have any relation between them. I have grown to love the Imperial/US System of measurement. I can guess how far a mile is better than a kilometer. A mile is a lot more efficient to use than a kilometer, in the U.S. One mile is easier to say than 1.609 kilometers, for instance. If you said you had to run the 1.609 kilometer in P.E. today, nobody is going to understand what that means. They’re probably going to think it was some cheesy relay race.

Besides that, if we actually DID change to the metric system, we’d have to spend billions of dollars changing all the street signs to say 1.609 km to the next exit, and its variables. This money would have been spent on Medicare or helping the homeless, or building another shiny new air craft carrier with a big bow on it, but no, its going to be spent on changing street signs. Street signs too much money to replace.

The movement for the metric system is just another example of a minority ruining it for the majority. What does the majority think? Of course, they’d probably want the system they’ve grown up with their whole lives, and have used almost everyday of their lives. If the metric system were to be in place, all monetary issues aside, it would take a few generations to flush out the use of inches and feet. Textbooks would have to be replaced and tracks would have to be redesigned. The whole sport of football will just become one big confusing experience. Football fields would be made to have 91.44 meters instead of 100 yards. Hooray, he’s made it to the 55.82 meter line! The metric system will go so far as to ruin the way we eat. Gone are the days of using a tablespoon, you have to use a slightly bigger version of it, called the Fifteen Milliliterspoon. How fun is that? Now we have to buy all-new silverware!

However, if we did have the metric system in place, the only conceivable advantage would be that it is easy. It is a lot easier to say how many meters are in a kilometer than it is to say how many feet are in a mile. Everything has some sort of relation to them, and whoever made it thought it just made sense how it is.

However, things are the way they are for a reason. The reason is because it’s been in place since the beginning of the United States, no better reason than that. Nothing good can come out of converting to the metric system. The only thing that CAN come out of it is the spending of money. People are used to the way things are, and there is no reason to change. For those that had tried to change to the metric system, they just had to spend even more money to convert back to the way they had it before. We’ve done without it for 200 years, why not for the rest of time?