Tag Archives: kid

Joke #10749

The boss found a boy in the stock room just standing around doing nothing. “How much do you get paid a week?” he asked the boy.

The boy replied, “Twenty dollars.”

Taking a twenty-dollar bill out of his wallet, the boss gave it to the boy and said, “Here, take this. Now get out of here and don’t come back.”

As the boy walked out the door, the boss said to the manager, “How long has that lazy kid been working for us?”

“He doesn’t work for us,” replied the manager. “He just delivered a package.”

Hannah Is a Palindrome

This entry is part 1 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

This is a story I read a long time ago, and it is mad stupid. I don’t remember the details, but they really aren’t important….trust me. This is my retelling of that old story.

Hannah is this stupid girl that is sitting in her class one day. She always wanted to clap the erasers when they were dirty, but the teacher never called on her to do it, always someone else in class, especially the same person over and over. One day, the teacher taught them a new grammar thingy called a “palindrome.” The teacher pointed out Hannah and said, “Hannah is a palindrome, but I won’t tell you what a palindrome is until after recess, because I’m a bitch. So figure it out.”

Hannah didn’t like the fact the teacher pointed her out, and out on the playground, all the kids teased her, chanting, “Hannah is a palindrome, Hannah is a palindrome.” Hannah didn’t know what to say, because she didn’t know what a palindrome was. She got mad at the teacher for calling her a palindrome. How could she do such a thing? She never even let Hannah clap the chalkboard erasers, for crying out loud! WHAT A STUPID BITCH! SHE SHOULD BE SHOT! GOD DAMMIT!

After recess, all the way back to the room, the kids teased her, still chanting. When they got back in the room, the teacher explained what a palindrome was. It was a word that could be spelled backwards the same way forwards. The teacher told the kids they shouldn’t have teased Hannah for having a name that could be spelled backwards the same as forwards. Now the kids all felt like dumbasses. Then the teacher showed it to them on the board, doing it regularly, and backwards, erased it, then asked Hannah to clap the erasers by the window. Hannah did, and she enjoyed it.

good job, Hannah, I hope you enjoyed clapping those erasers and smelled that chalk dust. I hope you had fun, too, ya loser!

Funny Bumper Stickers

1. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

2. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

3. Where there’s a will … I want to be on it.

4. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

5. Don’t drink and drive … You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

6. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies out of the trunk.

7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

8. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

9. Be nice to your kids … They will pick out your nursing home.

10. Always remember you’re unique … Just like everyone else.

11. Horn broken, watch for finger!

12. Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot!

13. All generalizations are false!

14. Cover me! I’m changing lanes!

15. I brake for no apparent reason.

16. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!

17. I’m not as think as you drunk I am!

18. Forget about world peace…visualize using your turn signal!

19. We have enough youth! How ’bout a Fountain of Smart?

20. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

21. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math!

22. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!

23. Dear Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog! Love, Dorothy!

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

26. I love cats…they taste just like chicken!

27. Out of my mind, back in five minutes.

28. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

29. Born free…taxed to death.

30. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

31. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

32. Rehab is for quitters!

33. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

34. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

35. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

36. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

37. All men are idiots, and I married their King!

38. Montana — At least our cows are sane!

39. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

40. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

41. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some!

42. When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS…

43. So many pedestrians, so little time.

44. Let’s keep out of touch.

Joke #5260: Do the Screw

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

 

“That’s cool,” says Bobby. Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

 

Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

 

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.

 

“Oh yeah,” says Carries father, “our Carrie really loves to screw. She’d screw all night if we’d let her!”

 

Well, this makes Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.

 

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

 

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DARN IT, DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

Joke #5226: Divorce For Wear

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”