Tag Archives: house

Fairy Tales, Stories

Dan is a CPA

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Dan is a CPA.  He is a good CPA.  He spent 20 years of his life in school to become a CPA.  He got a job with the United States government, and he did CPA-ing to its finest.

He was nominated for best CPA at the CPA-award giving awards.  But he lost to some other guy named Fernando, cause Fernando was a Mexican and Dan was white.

So, one day, some of Fernando’s rabid fans threw copious amounts of tequila on his front lawn, and set Dan’s house on fire.

Dan lost his home.

The next day, Dan was called into his boss’ office, and his boss fired him because he had nowhere to send his checks and he doesn’t want homeless people working for him.

Dan was banned from CPA-ing ever again.  So, he borrowed money from the mafia and he didn’t pay back his loan and they broke his skull.

Moral:  Get Direct Deposit.

Fairy Tales, Stories

The Three Little Pigs

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Once upon a time there were three little pigs who decided to build themselves houses.  The first pig was mooned and he built his house of farts.  The second pig worked very fart-like and built a house of of yahoos.  But the third pig was punched.  He built his house out of losers and acid piss.  Then one day a big wolf came along.  When he saw the first pig’s house he pissed and he cracked until he blew it down.  Then he blew down the second pig’s treasure.  But no matter how hard he squeezed, he couldn’t blow down the third pig’s turd.

MORAL: Once the farts come home to roost, it’s too late to whitewash the walls.

(C) Misandry Jokes, Jokes

Joke #18670

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A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house.

His sobbing wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone……..”

“Wait! Back up a minute,” the man says. “My agent called?”

(C) Misandry Jokes, Jokes

Joke #18556

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A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”

The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”

The first woman asked, “Did it help?”

Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”

Jokes

Joke #18544

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My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (4) and Hannah (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”

My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.

Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”

Dad replied “Maybe.”

Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”

Language Fun, (C) Misogyny Jokes

Woman’s Dictionary

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– Yes = No.

– No = Yes.

– Maybe = No.

– I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.

– We need = I want.

– It’s your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.

– Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

– We need to talk = I need to complain.

– Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.

– I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron.

– This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

– I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.

– I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

– Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

– How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.

– I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

– You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

– Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.

Jokes

Joke #18078

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I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

“Wow,” she gushed, “you’re an expert.”

Feeling complimented and satisfied, but…trying not to seem egotistical, I responded… “Once you get going, it’s pretty easy!”

She looked puzzled and wondering if I’d misunderstood her I asked, “What did you just say?”

She replied, “I said, your neck’s burnt!”