Tag Archives: heaven

Joke #9289: Esprit De Hard Corp

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven’s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

“That is a nice suit, my friend,” said Gates. “Where did you get it?”

“Actually,” the man replied, “I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I’ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces.”

“Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?” asked Gates.

“No,” said his new friend, “Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic.”

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, “How could you give me a paltry new house, while you’re showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!”

“Yes, but we use Windows,” replied Peter, “and the Titanic only crashed once.”

Joke #9255: Drinkin’ ‘Til He’s Heaven

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

The priest said,”Leave this pub right now!” He then approached a second man. “Do you want to got to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then leave this den of Satan!” said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O’Toole and asked, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole replied: “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole smiled, “Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Joke #9239: Let’s Get Technical

In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven…

“And who might you be?” inquires St. Peter. “It’s me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World.”

“Oh…Mr……. President! What may I do for you?” asks St. Peter. “I’d like to come in,” replies Clinton.

“Sure,” says the Saint. “But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?”

Clinton bites his lip and answers, “Well, I tried marijuana, but you can’t call it ‘dope-smoking’ because I didn’t inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can’t call it ‘adultery’ because I didn’t have full ‘sexual relations.’ And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can’t call it ‘bearing false witness’ because, as far as I know, it didn’t meet the legal standard of perjury.”

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you somewhere hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there indefinitely, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And when you enter, you don’t have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”

Joke #9186

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, “I don’t get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation.”

The angel says, “We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?”

The preacher says, “Once in a while someone fell asleep.”

The angel says, “Right. And when people rode in this guy’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!”

Joke #9117

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.” With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only
one in this line?”

And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”

The Heaven Hell Theory

Is there such thing as Heaven and Hell? Well, Heaven and Hell aren’t what you think they are. Heaven isn’t some Blue wonderful world with puffy white clouds and people playing Harmonicas. Also they don’t have cute little wings and those yellow circle thingies on there head. Heaven is actually, believe it or not, Candy Land. Yes, it is that board game. I mean why wouldn’t it be? It makes sense, doesn’t it? Candy=Everyone LOVES Candy (except for those weird people that give candy OUT on Halloween…what is up with that)? and Land=uh…it’s…uh…land…made out of…candy…Yeah that’s it, Land made out of candy. And people eat away at the land and when the people eat ALL the candy they drop down to hell for being so greedy. Now Hell is not some flaming hot red place with people running around naked with big red buts. No, it’s a series of tortures. Like the: “Beeping computer torture.” This torture is one of the worst of all time. A person sits at a computer and turns it on. The computer beeps. So the person tries and tries and TRYS to fix it but no matter what, it will still keep beeping and beeping and beeping (it drives them on the brink of insanity). Another torture is the “Brady Bunch Torture” where you watch every single gay episode of the Brady Bunch. This turns you fruity and insane…And yet 1 more torture is the “Pick up Machine Torture”. Ever goes to those arcades and go to that machine with the claw where you put money into and try to grab one of those toys with the claw? Now IMAGINE doing that for ETERNITY and NEVER EVER picking up one of those toys with the claw! Ugh that’s HORRIBLE! Who ever thought up tortures like this? Anyways you are FORCED to do it for eternity…I’ve just officially grossed my self out with thinking of these tortures, I’m done…

Bad Pick Up Lines

– Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money for it?

– I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

– My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

– You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause you’re the Bomb.

– If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

– Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I’ve seem to have lost mine.

– I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.

– You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what’s one more going to hurt?

– Date me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

– Excuse me, do you wanna date, or should I apologize?

– You must be Jamaican, because Ja-maican me crazy.

– Are your legs tired?  You’ve been running through my mind all day long.

– Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

– Your awfly perrrtay.

– Love is like a box of chocolates and your full of sour cream and mustard with cheese wiz.

– Excuse me, do you think it could be possible, if there’s a chance, that if you want to go somewhere, and have no one to go with. And perhaps call me. Then we could go out. Maybe a in a unit. That is only speaking in certain terms….yak yak.

– Were you a Girl Scout? Because you have tied my heart in a knot.

– Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cause every time I see you, you turn me on!

– Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Jeffrey and you’re… gorgeous!

– Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?

– If beauty were sunlight, you’d shine from a million light-years away.

– Did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heaven?

– I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.

– You are under arrest for robbery. You stole my heart.