ossetepo – v. to report a food-borne illness or poor sanitation to an environmental safety organization
evyhamm – n. a spicy party snack mix
sigesnpb – n. 3 roast beef sandwiches and 1 egg salad sandwich molding in a bag for a week or more
Are you confident? Answer the next 5 questions, and tally up your results at the end to see your fate.
If you scored 12-15, fuck you. No one likes a liar.
A score between 8-11 means you’re probably normal, but who are you really fooling?
If you score between 5-7, you’re low on the confidence scale. Don’t worry, it’ll only get worse from here on out. I could tell you all this sanctimonious bullshit about how it could get better, but really, you’re probably depressed and the only thing that will make you better are drugs. And lots of them.
If you scored less than 5, you’re probably already doing drugs.
This is supposed to be sung by a character named Mr. Chubby Chubbles.
Yo, I’m the chubbles,
I don’t like bubbles in the bathtub
Because I ain’t a playa
A guy that rolls around in the mud
Chubbles in my name
And eating is my game
I eat eat eat eat
Off my feet feet feet
If I have to.
If I have to.
But I usually eat it in the toilet
And I usually foil-it
And put it in the oven
And cook it
And eat it
At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.
One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.
When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, “So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?”
“Well, I suppose,” she replied, “I’m still cooking it.”
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.
Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I asked, “Can I bring you some club soda?”
“Young lady,” she barked, “I’ll be the judge of when I’ve had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!”
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, gerry! Where do you think you are?”
The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.
“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.
“Oh, nothing really,” he said with a heavy accent, “I just realized you actually came here for the food!”
If College Students Wrote the Bible…
– The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.
– The Ten Commandments would actually be only five; double spaced and written in large font.
– A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
– Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
– Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s E-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
– Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates.
– Reason why Moses and followers walked the desert for 40 years; they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
– Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you’d expect from a Jedi Master.
Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, “Use the FORKS, Luke.”
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johnny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating…
“If I can’t eat, I won’t pay!”
Q: What did the chef say to the hungry watch?
A: “How about seconds?”