“E=MC^2, where E = Beans, M = Stench, and C = the strength of a fart squared.”
“E=MC^2, where E = Beans, M = Stench, and C = the strength of a fart squared.”
Q: What do you get when you mix franks and beans, a hot day, and a kid with a queasy stomach?
A: I don’t know, but you’re standing in it.
Q: Why are franks and beans such a good lunch on a hot day?
A: They are as good coming up as they are going down.
Parody of “Hotel California” by The Eagles.
In a dark musty hallway,a few friends standing there,
Worn shells of fajitas-lying under a chair..
I bumped my head on the big vents,
and watched the shattering lights..
My hombre said he & his ride moved in-
Their cab had dropped out of sight….
Pepe stood in the doorway..
He smelled like Taco Bell..
And I was drinking by myself
My seagram’s seven and a fifth of cheap ale..
Said he hit up a vandal,and he owed me my pay
There were pesos down his corduroys..
He robbed his work that day..
Welcome to the Motel Mexicana
Just a grubby place…(just a grubby place)
Such an ugly place..
There’s plenty of gloom at the Motel Mexicana-
Any kind of beer,you can buy it here..
The wine is simply unfit it’s-
Not for your eighty friends..
We knocked a lot of greedy,greedy boys..
Then we paid rent.
Howie glanced at the floor:”Are,
theeeeeeeeese summer ants?”
Jose said:”no remember.”
Juan said:”I forget..”
So I called to the fat man:
“Pleeeeeeeease bring me more lime..”
He said:”We haven’t had that citrus here since,
Fried beans hit the sign..”
And grilled ‘ole oysters were falling
From Carlo’s tray..
They shake you up in the middle of the night-
Just to hurl away..
Welcome to the Motel Mexicana
Just a grubby place..(such a grubby place)
Such an ugly place…(ugly place)
They piggin’ it up at the Motel Mexicana
Lotta mice ….surprise!
They sing you lullabies…
Roaches on the ceiling..
They drink my warm Bud Ice..
The flea bed-
And my guitar keep me prisoner here..
With my spanish rice.
And in the bathroom chamber,
They’d rather horde in peace..
I grab them but they run for their life..
But you just can’t kill these fleas!!
That Spring I remember..
This guy was,spraying down my door..
Had I the mind,had I turned my back,
My face-they’d have gnawed to the floor..
“Step back,” said the bug man..
“We are now going to leave..
Make your check out anyway you like..
Just make it out to me…”
Beware, next time you go to the store and go to the freezer aisle and see “Lean Pockets” next to “Hot Pockets”. What is this “Lean”? I want my damn POCKETS FREAKIN HOT not LEAN! Lean, I believe, is an evil fruit grown next to beans that comes from Carrot top’s garden. Bean sellers are running out of Beans so they need cheap imitations and so Carrot top came up with a cheap imitation: “Leans”. Leans are round and fluffy and look like fat jamacan when pumped up. The fruit plans to make us talk in weird JFK accents and make us look like Chunks from the movie: “The Goonies”. They ARE EVIL! If you see FAT JAMACANS RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Yay! Fifi is finally out of high school…whoopee…time to go to that college, Fifi. You wanted to go so badly. What was it again? Oh yeah, SUK. Squackle University for Kids. And the bad thing about it is, the college starts tomorrow. No summer vacation. Yay. Time to hop on that train and go down to New Mexico. Fifi hasn’t even seen the university yet. All of Fifi’s friends said she shouldn’t go to SUK. They said that there was a lot of weird stuff going on near that university that it would be hazardous for you health. “We’ll just see,” said Fifi as she got onto the train in her tutu and two suitcases…
* * *
Just as Fifi stepped off the train, a bunch of clowns came by and picked her up, leaving her suitcases for the myriad squirrels trailing behind them to pick them up. The clowns ran for about fifteen miles before they stopped at an old secluded warehouse.
“Hey! Is this SUK?” Fifi exclaimed. At this comment the six clowns got into a huddle and started talking.
“SUK? What is that?”
“It’s a university not far from here”
“Why is our smuggler trying to get to SUK?”
“Yeah the smuggler that was smuggling in some beans. He said he would be wearing a tutu and would have two suitcases that said, “I am going to SUK, I am going to SUK!”
“Hmm…i have a feeling this isnt the right person. Let’s just wait for the squirrels to come with the suitcases, then we’ll see.”
One clown called Big Nose went up to Fifi and said, “Why, hello there little girl…there is a thingy that every freshmen at our fine university has to do before…we allow them to use our facilities freely…” Big Nose turned around and winked at the other 5 clowns. The other five clowns winked back and gave a thumbs up sign.
A clown named Red Nose gave Big Nose a rope and Big Nose tied up Fifi, very tightly with it. Fifi then shouted, “HEY! What’s this got to do with learning? Is this rope tying class?”
At this comment, Big Nose was stunned, so he replied with, “Uh…you want to…learn?”
Fifi said, “Yeah…that’s what a university is all about.”
“Riiiigghhtt…” said Big Nose. The squirrels came inside the warehouse chittering and chattering, and when the Master Squirrel talked with his little squirrely voice, he said, “Why do you guys have to have a warehouse all the way out here?”
Fifi finally realized that this was a warehouse, and not the University she had wanted to go to. Fifi screamed. She screamed so loud that the nose on Red Nose came off and bounced across the room. “This isn’t SUK!!!!” Fifi screeched.
“No, it isn’t, whiny little girly tutu face person.” Shiny Nose said.
What will Fifi do? Will Fifi find a way to break out of the warehouse and go to SUK? Well…to make a long story short, she did.
In a pile, the six clowns were in a pile and the squirrels were hanging off the walls and ceilings of the warehouse, taped onto them. “Now, its time to go to SUK!” Fifi said proudly.
When Fifi got to the University she saw a bunch of ducks quacking and waddling around a big campus to the ducks, but not at all big for Fifi.
Fifi then said, “Hey! This isn’t a university!”
Just then, a duck wearing glasses and a book in its wing, he said, “Oh, of course not little tutu brain. This is a university for ducks only, not for humans. You better go back home before some clowns and squirrels kidnap you and tie you in ropes and do nothing afterward. A lot of stuff happens around here.”
“What else happens around here, Mr. Quack?” Fifi replied.
“Oh, you know, the usual thing. Moose overcharging you for their taxi service, mice crawling over your house and leaving their footprints on it, crows using anything and everything for target practice, which is very lethal for some species. Anyway, you should go…so GO!”
Mr. Quack took out something that looked like a remote control and zapped Fifi with it. After about 10 minutes of being shocked by 600 killowatts of electricity by the remote control, she disappeared and was back at home on her bed with her suitcases on her legs. In the next room, she heard her parents barking.
Fifi didn’t pay attention to it, and just went to sleep.
The moral of the story is to visit the college you are going to before you actually go to it for reals, not for fakes, dress appropriately, stay away from clowns being trailed by lots of squirrels, stay away from warehouses in the middle of nowhere, don’t go to universities with a duck named Mr. Quack that has glasses on.
You also know what your parents do when you are gone to college…
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, ‘She’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “Surprise!”
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
yzzyzism – n. the medical condition in which you think that having sex with beans would be fun
whquasiat – n. a can of spray-on cheese and beans
sploley – v. to harvest beans by firing cannons at them
ondrejcka – n. a pool of beans
farter’s feast – n. unfermented complex carbohydrates (e.g. sugar and beans) consumed by party animals causing the uncontrollable emission of foul wind
fart-champetre – n. Franco-Manitoban Winter Flatulence Festival featuring lots of home-baked beans in maple syrup