Top Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving

10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.

9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams.

8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.

7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.

6. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President.”

5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”

4. You now have an butt the size of Plymouth Rock.

3. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over.”

2. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.

1. You’re sweatin’ gravy, my friend!

 

Joke #18540

As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.

“What is it with guys that they won’t replace the toilet paper?!” I raged.

“I know,” he said, nodding in agreement. “I noticed that when I was in there earlier.”

 

You Know You’re a Mom When…

You know you’re a mom when…

– Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor — and you don’t care.

– When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.

– You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

– Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

– Popsicle’s become a food staple.

– Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

– You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

– You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

– You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

– You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.

– You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

– You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

– Your kid throws up and you catch it.

– You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet… you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

 

Joke #18491

A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.

The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself.

A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, “Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?”

 

Joke #18437

It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author’s talk, she began to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag.

She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight, ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.

She was just about finished when someone came into the bathroom to tell her that her lapel mic was still on.

 

Quote #16822

Written in the profile field “Personal Quote:”

“Lovely,absolutely stunning,u don’t care! OOOOPS I POOPED MY PANTS.Dan dont ever tell a naked chix she can use ur bathroom,Bass moe luvs haircutts & I like them hops,Blobb that was a tree,Fuzz hay it could be lint,Snoop Denny Dogg we r twisted literally!”

– from the internet

 

Quote #16437

“I had a dream with both of you in it. 2 different dreams. …”

::blah blah blah::

“… I was over at Robert’s house and we were all hangin’ out…”

::blah for 2 seconds talking to someone else::

“… I had a dream with you in it, there was a storm and I was afraid to go to the bathroom…”

::she trails off and then stops talking::

– from somewhere around davepoobond’s high school