#22501: Para -> davepoobond

Para: ::jingles a baggy of teeth at him::

davepoobond: woowwee

Para: Heh

davepoobond: that was unexpected to see ya IM me

Para: Got my wisdom teeth removed.

Para: Heh

davepoobond: that’s funny

davepoobond: is your mouth all numb

Para: Nah, had em removed friday.

Para: Now I’m just in pain. 😀

davepoobond: heh

davepoobond: how many did you have?

Para: 4

davepoobond: i had 6

davepoobond: 4 on the top 2 on the bottom

davepoobond: stupid doctor made the joke saying i have extra wisdom

davepoobond: i wonder how many times a day those nurses have to hear that jackass say that same joke

Para: Lol, now that sucks.

Para: Mine were just huge.

Para: The bottom ones were twice as large as the top.

davepoobond: interesting

Para: Looks like you could have pulled em out of a small cow.

Para: Had to cut of part of my jaw bone to get one out.

davepoobond: ow

Para: It had pinched some bone.

Para: I have the jaw bone too. 😀

Para: Did you keep yours?

davepoobond: i dont know

davepoobond: i dont think they let me keep them

davepoobond: or my mom didn’t want to

davepoobond: something like that

davepoobond: they said the 2nd set at the top just crumbled when they took them out

davepoobond: i think i actually lost them

Para: Actually they aren’t supposed to let you keep them.

Para: They are a biohazard.

davepoobond: then i probably don’t have them

Para: I’m persistant though.

davepoobond: or never did

Para: Plus they usually have to cut impacted ones up to get them out.

Para: So I have 2 teeth in 5 different pieces.

Para: But I can glue em back.

davepoobond: heh

davepoobond: never know when you’ll need biohazard material, i guess

Para: Lol, they aren’t anymore.

Para: I washed em.

Para: I can understand why they would be.

davepoobond: people might eat them, they can’t take the chance

Para: It takes awhile to clean them, it would take them too long to clean them… so they would have to hand them to you bloody and with gum tissue hanging off.

Para: So I had a little gruesome bloody baggy off teeth for a bit.

Para: Creeped the hell out of my mom.

Para: I’m standing over the bathroom sink, about 4 hours after the surgery, a little dopey… and using a nail brush to scrap it all off.

Para: Which it didn’t work.

Para: So I had to boil them.

Para: She refused to come into the kitchen

davepoobond: ew

Para: Lol

Para: What, they are just teeth.

davepoobond: well you’re boiling them and scraping them

Para: Had to, rather do that then have rotten human flesh smell.

davepoobond: you could’ve always sucked it all off

Para: Can’t suck… can’t use a straw for a week.

davepoobond: meh

Para: Lol

Para: I don’t know why that seems to freak people out.

davepoobond: it doesn’t really

davepoobond: its just kind of nasty

Para: *shrugs*

Para: I had little options

davepoobond: the thought of seeing gum hanging off teeth dripping with blood

davepoobond: kind of unsettling

 

Quote #22151: Where’s the Bathroom?

This entry is part 19 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

::Female customer asks where the bathroom is.::

davepoobond: Past the escalator and to the right.

::davepoobond points in the direction she should go.::

::The customer goes past the escalator in the wrong direction, announcing her actions as she does so::

Customer: PAST THE ESCALATOR… AND TO THE RIGHT????

::Customer looks in the completely opposite direction she should be going.::

davepoobond: Umm… no, that way.

Customer: That’s the left!

::Customer goes out of sight.  davepoobond and David Arr just laugh.::

::davepoobond then imitates exactly what the customer did and they just crack up at how stupid what just happened was.::

– at davepoobond’s job, 6/2/07

 

Marshmallow Cosby

You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. By now it is only common sense that Bill Cosby loves marshmallows. From their milky white texture to the way they feel like toxic sludge when you put them in your mouth, marshmallows are incomparable to any other food in the world. Even spaghetti, believe it or not. But I bet you haven’t heard of the escapades Bill has been through involving the fluffy, tasty creations.

The year was 1994 AD. Bill’s ego was riding high from the incredible, overwhelming sucess of The Cosby Mysteries. He was taking his daily jog through the park, listening to Fats Domino on his new TalkBoy. His head bob-a-dob-dobbed and his knees rat-a-tat-tatted rhythmically to the quick tumpa-tumpa of his heartbeat.

I know what you’re thinking: “This isn’t your ordinary run-of-the-mill slow paced yet healthy jog for Mr. Cosby!” Well, you’re right! Bill had marshmallows on the mind, and after the stroll he headed straight for the supermarket. Holding his basket out like a collection plate, he swept all of the bags of marshmallows he could find in, even the generic brands.

Before he could make his way to the counter, he was grabbed from behind and pulled into the employee restroom. “Get your hands off the Cosb!” shouted Bill, but this didn’t stop the assailant from sitting Bill in the sink and gluing his arms to the mirror with a hot glue gun that must’ve been conveniently placed in the bathroom. Bill hadn’t been in this much trouble since Malcolm Jamal-Warner caught him eating his crescent rolls.

“Mr. Cosby, with all due respect, if you keep eating those marshmallows by the fistful, you’ll be too large for TV!” Bill’s reply to this was his trademark rolling of the eyes, complete with laugh track. “Now see here,” Bill said. “It’s not like I’m eating delicious Jello Puddin’ Pops, they’re harmless little tufts of puff! Please, please, PLEASE feed me some, right now!” Bill opened his mouth wide and wiggled his tongue around, waiting to be treated. He was treated to a hard slap in the face. Bill looked at the man angrily. “Hey hey hey!” he roared in an enraged Fat Albert voice.

Their bickering eventually led to the signing of a pact; Bill was not allowed to eat marshmallows ever again. Bill did not jog home that day, he walked. His head did not bob-a-dob-dob and his knees did not rat-a-tat-tat. His TalkBoy ate his Fats Domino tape, but he didn’t care.

The first couple of weeks under the rule went surprisingly well, almost to the point of Bill forgetting about the snack he once treasured. But one day on his way to the flea market, he saw something that would forever change his life: the Hosebush Marshmallow Company was trying to create the world’s largest Marshmallow in the park he regularly jogged in. Bill immediately fell to his knees and starting bowing, claiming it as his new god.

The man who had made him sign the pact was there, however. He knew this was going to happen. “Listen to me, Bill. Don’t do anything you’ll regret, your career is on the line!” he begged. Bill grabbed the pact out of his hands and shoved it in his mouth. He chewed on it loudly and spit it back in the man’s face. The man started bawling into his hands and ran off, screaming “This is the end of Cosby as we know it!” “It’s MINE!” Bill shouted. He started pushing and elbowing people out of his way, growling with excitement.

He grabbed the side of the giant marshmallow and began clawing his way up. The people that had worked so hard making the marshmallow were running around, yelling at each other in frustration. Bill reached the top and ripped off his shirt. He slapped his belly a few times for good measure and dove down head first into the concoction. He started to tunnel his way down the center, using only his mouth and perfect set of choppers. “There go his canines,” thought the local dentist worriedly as he looked on.

In mere minutes, the entire marshmallow was devoured. Bill was so full, he couldn’t move. He was so big that when he rolled his eyes, it sounded like thunder. TV executives rushed in and handcuffed him, then hauled him off to be locked away in the NBC Fat Camp for two years.

During the years he spent trying to work off his fat, Bill was replaced on television by none other than Ray Romano, who covered himself with black ash to conceal his identity. If you look closely at footage from those years, you can faintly make out his Jewish chin. Ray also later played the role of Darlene on the series finale of “Roseanne.”

At last, in the spring of 1996, Bill was back and better than ever! Although the thought of another marshmallow binge was very tempting for him, he knew what it would do if it happened again. To this very day, every time Bill sees a bag of them, he grimaces in a way that makes him look sort of like a cross between GW Bush and Robert De Niro, with maybe a hint of Queen Elizabeth. This is a very ugly sight and Bill knows it, so he tries his best to stay away from the tempting morsels.

America loves Bill, and I’m sure you have your hand on your heart right now, saluting that he had the strength and willpower to fight his deadly addiction. I hope you have learned a lesson, and that you yourself do not become a “Marshmallow Cosby.”

THE END

 

Joke #21638: No Send Backs

One day, a girl named Jessica went online.  She started talking to another girl.  It started out normally………

Jessica: Hey person.

Other girl: Hello

Jessica: You’ve been a really interesting person to talk to.

Other girl: Really? Thanks. You really mean it?

Jessica: Yea.

Other girl: What’s ur name again?

Jessica: My name is Jessica. What’s urs?

Other girl: I can’t really tell u.

Jessica: Why?

Other girl: Because I’m dead.

Jessica: What?

Other girl: I’m dead.

Jessica: How can u be dead? I mean, dead people don’t i.m. living people.

Other girl: Yes they can because I can.

Jessica: Ok then, so ur dead. Ok. So what’s ur real name now that I know that u are dead?

Other girl: Mary, or at least it is now.

Jessica: So where do u live ‘dead person’ and what’s ur last name and ur real name?

Mary: Do you really want to know?

Jessica: Yea, duh. I mean, ur probably lyin and I wanna know who u really r by lookin in the phonebook.

Mary: You really wanna know??Jessica (Feeling Frustrated):  Yes. I DO! Now just tell me ur dumb name!

Mary: I”m not dumb.?Jessica (Calming down a little):  Fine then. Ur not. So tell me ur name.

Mary: I live in mirrors and travel by them, and my full name is BLoody Mary.?Jessica (Laughing):  You can’t be bloody Mary. There’s no such thing!

Mary: Are u sure about that? Do you wanna find out the hard way? I know everythin about u. I know where u live, what u like, who u like, ur favorite color, ur full name, and I know what u are scared of.

Jessica: Ok, ur really freakin me out now. Stop it!

Mary: I won’t. If u don’t copy this conversation down and send it to 15 people, I will come to you.

The Next Day…

Jessica woke up in the morning after sending a copy of her conversation to 15 people. She went into her bathroom and turned on the lights. She looked
into her mirror and all of a sudden, the lights went out. She looked into the mirror and saw a person standing next to her with a long blood covered knife.
She was holding it up over Jessica’s head. Jessica looked around and felt around but felt nobody else in the room. She turned around and turned on the
lights. She turned around and there was no person beside her or in the mirror anymore. Then she looked on the ground and saw something red. She bent down and felt it. It was wet and looked like blood.

Bloody Mary didn’t hurt Jessica only because she sent the e-mail to 15 other people. Now you have to too or Bloody Mary might get you.

Send it to 14 or lower people, and you never know what might happen…

NO SEND BACKS!

 

#21268: dys4iK -> sweet_thang_for_u_2002

While reading this, keep in mind that dys4iK is not Josh. Whoever he was, he’s fucked now. “dys4iK is NOT Josh, never was, and never will be.”

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: hey hey hey

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: sup josh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: hey did u ever call tracy?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: our grad. practice is thur right?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: hey u there?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh???

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u called tracy right

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: y u ignoring me???????

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m ur girlfriend!!!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: talk to me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: look

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont know what ur deal has been lately

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i mean come on josh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we were prom queen adn king and this is how u act!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: fine whatever

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ignore me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: fine

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: see if i care

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok what the fuck!!!!!!!!!

dys4iK: bot.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: r u gonna talk to me or not

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: bot???

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: huh?

dys4iK: I have no clue who the hell you are,

dys4iK: but this sure is interesting,.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh!!!

dys4iK: you’re josh?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what is wrong with u

dys4iK: I thought I was supposed to be josh.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what is ur deal

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: r u drunk

dys4iK: I think you should go find the right Josh.

dys4iK: I wish I was drunk…

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i know its u

dys4iK: haha.

dys4iK: ok.

dys4iK: how’d you find me?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u r goin to grad. tomorrow right

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur on my list

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: duh!!!!!!!!!!

dys4iK: I’m not going anywhere tommorow night.

dys4iK: I spend my days sitting at my computer,

dys4iK: jerking off to weird porn.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: y r u adcting like this

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: jsoh what is wrong with u??

dys4iK: ’cause i’m in hard drugs.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u told me u never did drugs

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u said u quit

dys4iK: I lied.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: so u were lying?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what??????????

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg

dys4iK: in fact,

dys4iK: I could be on drugs,

dys4iK: _right now)_

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: !!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: y do u always pull this shit

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur goin off to osu next year

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and ur doin drugs

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what is ur deal

dys4iK: yep.

dys4iK: drugs and college.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg

dys4iK: hoo-rah.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i cant beleive that

dys4iK: yep

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: did u ever call tracy

dys4iK: I’ve gotta go fuck my sister now.

dys4iK: back in a bit.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and explaoin to her ur stayin with me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what!!!!!!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur sister is only 8

dys4iK: oh, hey, right.

dys4iK: ok.

dys4iK: my cousin, then.

dys4iK: how old are my cousins?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh u know how old ur cousins are

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: dont be stupid

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: r u high?

dys4iK: I can’ help it,

dys4iK: it’s the drugs.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what is ur deal josh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: god

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok

dys4iK: my deal?

dys4iK: ten bucks an hour.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we can get through this

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: jsut call me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: did u call tracy

dys4iK: who’s tracy?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: tracy randlof

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: remember

dys4iK: sure.

dys4iK: she was a nice lay.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u were gonna tell her u wer datin me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what!!!!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u slept with here

dys4iK: of course.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u told me u didnt

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: (

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh i’m crying b/c of u

dys4iK: her and some other girl.

dys4iK: it was fun!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: JOSH

dys4iK: and some guy.

dys4iK: I think.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: WHAT IS WROGN WITH U

dys4iK: I can’t really remember.

dys4iK: the world was funny colours at the time.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: OH SO NOW UR GAY

dys4iK: no, not gay.

dys4iK: not yet.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: WHEN DID ALL THIS HAPPEN

dys4iK: but if you keep this up, maybe.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: DONT EVEN SAY PROM NIGHT

dys4iK: it happened tommorow!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: TOMORROW???

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what?

dys4iK: yeah.

dys4iK: tommorow.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummmmm

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

dys4iK: yeah?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m gonna come over ok

dys4iK: over to canada?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: canada??

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what are u talkin about

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u dont seem to good

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: im comin over

dys4iK: I already told you I’m not josh.

dys4iK: but you seem to believe I am,

dys4iK: so I’m playing the part.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever

dys4iK: but, I can’t play it in person.

dys4iK: sorry.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m gonna break up with u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we are over

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: 9 months of nothing

dys4iK: yep.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i know its u cuz of the name

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m not stupid

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: god

dys4iK: yeah.

dys4iK: such a stupid name.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: well i’m on my way over

dys4iK: ok.

dys4iK: see you in a few days.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we can have break up sex

dys4iK: hoo-rah.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: tehn i’m leaving

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: for good

dys4iK: yay.

dys4iK: you promise to never phone?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i cant beleive u slept with tracy

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur supposed to be mad

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and begging me to stay

dys4iK: why would I be mad?

dys4iK: oh, sorry.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: b/c i’m leaving u

dys4iK: please don’t leave me!

dys4iK: please stay!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ugh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever

dys4iK: wahhhh!

dys4iK: *cries*

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: uknow what

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: forget

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: it

dys4iK: ok!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m not comin over

dys4iK: gladly!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: screw u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: dont talk to me ever again

dys4iK: you don’t want to get into the threesome?

dys4iK: hey, speaking of which,

dys4iK: I should get back to sex.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ugh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: who is there

dys4iK: tracy.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ………….

dys4iK: ……………..!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: (

dys4iK: come on.

dys4iK: you enjoyed it too.

dys4iK: I know about you two.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummmmm

dys4iK: when you got drunk?

dys4iK: at some party.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont know what ur talkin about

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ……………..

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: well

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: that was a long time ago

dys4iK: there you go.

dys4iK: see?

dys4iK: it was fun.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i was drunk josh

dys4iK: deal with it.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: so what if it was

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: that was a ont time thing

dys4iK: I can’t fix all your female, hyper-inflated ego disorders.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what has gotten itno u

dys4iK: I told you!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i cant beleive this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dys4iK: drugs.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: (

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m tellin ur parents

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u need help

dys4iK: when I figure out who you are…

dys4iK: haha.

dys4iK: ok.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: who I am!!!!

dys4iK: except, my mom is shooting up in the bathroom,

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: wat do u mean by that

dys4iK: and dad is drunk with some other woman.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummm, she is at my house

dys4iK: she is?

dys4iK: since when?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and ur dad and my dad are out of town on a business trip

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: so what are u talkin about

dys4iK: hey, whoa.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: she has been here all da

dys4iK: our dads are fucking?

dys4iK: when did that start?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever

dys4iK: that’s pretty crazy.

dys4iK: think they’d let us join in?

dys4iK: with tracy, too?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ???????????

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u sick bastard

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: god

dys4iK: haha.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u r soooooooooooooo immature

dys4iK: I’m immature?

dys4iK: yes, I suppose I am.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i cant beleive i wasted 9 months with u

dys4iK: neither can I.

dys4iK: you fell for me like a brick in water.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dys4iK: that was funny.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: X-(

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no u fell for me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u begged me to get with u

dys4iK: haha.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i turned u down 3 times

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: remember

dys4iK: yeah. tracy told me to keep asking, though.

dys4iK: she thought if I got you to go out with me,

dys4iK: we could have a threesome.

dys4iK: or something.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: lol

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u wisj

dys4iK: pretty clever, eh?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u know now that i think about it

dys4iK: wasn’t my idea.

dys4iK: she was the one who wanted you.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i only liked u b/c of ur car

dys4iK: I have a car?

dys4iK: cool!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummmm yeah

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur spider eclipse

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: thas y i dated u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: not cuz of the looks

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: although u do look godd

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: good

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur nothin w/o me

dys4iK: hey, yeah?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and u know it

dys4iK: what are you, then?

dys4iK: cheesecake!

dys4iK: haha!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: huh?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: cheescake?

dys4iK: yeah.

dys4iK: you’re a cheesecake.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: how?

dys4iK: now that everyone’s seen pictures of you naked.

dys4iK: heh heh.

dys4iK: but hey, you made some lonely geeks happy for a night.,

dys4iK: =)

dys4iK: it was kind of you.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: keep what going

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: our relationship

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: yeah right

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: dream on

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we’re over

dys4iK: hey, you’re back.

dys4iK: hi again!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: y r u makin a joke out of this???????

dys4iK: because i have no idea who you are!

dys4iK: but this sure is fun.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: prove it to me that ur not josh

dys4iK: how about you prove that I _am_ josh!

dys4iK: =)

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what was our prom theme

dys4iK: uh.

dys4iK: underwater?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg

dys4iK: or that may have been the drugs. =D

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i told u ur josh

dys4iK: oh, right.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what do i look like

dys4iK: yeah.

dys4iK: uh.

dys4iK: fat, ugly.

dys4iK: lot of acne down your back.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummm wrong

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: wrong

dys4iK: blue hair.

dys4iK: purple eyes!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ????

dys4iK: you have this weird bump on your back,

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: am i a cheerelader

dys4iK: but noone will tell you.

dys4iK: a cheerleader? hey, cool.

dys4iK: i dated a cheerleader!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i know

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: cuz u dated me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dys4iK: duhh!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: lol

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: there’s teh old josh

dys4iK: whatever!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: aw

dys4iK: you’re so funny.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i knew it was u baby

dys4iK: whatever! duhhhh!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwww

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh lets not break up

dys4iK: you’re pretty thick, aren’t you?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: lol

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh u r the best i’ve ever had if u know what i eman

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont wanna loose u

dys4iK: you should smoke some crack with me tonight.

dys4iK: come over right now.

dys4iK: let’s smoke some crack.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: the way u touch me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont want to loose u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: lets not break up

dys4iK: yeah. your skin is sort of clammy, though.

dys4iK: what, with being a vampire, and all.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ??????????

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m not clammhy

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i use pure silk lotion from batha and body

dys4iK: Sammy the Clam!

dys4iK: pure silk lotion?

dys4iK: doesn’t silk come out of the ass of worms?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ???????????????

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont know

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: jsoh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i want u so bad right now

dys4iK: so finger yourself, or something.

dys4iK: I’m not sticking myself back in there.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i alreadly am

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: wahtever

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u know u want this

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’ll wear my cheerleading outfit for you

dys4iK: ew.

dys4iK: I hate cheerleaders.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no u dont silly

dys4iK: will you wear a strapon?

dys4iK: and fuck me in the ass?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: the way i can straddle u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u luv it

dys4iK: hey, will you let my dog fuck you?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummmmmmmm

dys4iK: do it!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: when did u get a dog

dys4iK: you can smoke crack first.

dys4iK: I’ll get a dog!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no

dys4iK: so it can fuck you.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: NO

dys4iK: and I’ll videotape it.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i wanna video tape u and me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i want u

dys4iK: I want me, too.

dys4iK: but I’m with tracy now!

dys4iK: sorry!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u mean u want me

dys4iK: I’m madly in love with you.

dys4iK: the drugs are fucking with my head.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwwwwwwww

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

dys4iK: I don’t know what i’m doing anymore.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i love you too

dys4iK: marry me?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwww

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: its ok baby

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u want to marry me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

dys4iK: I was lying about tracy!

dys4iK: I just wanted to make you feel jealous!

dys4iK: seriously!~

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we just grad

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwwww

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: really

dys4iK: no.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwwwww

dys4iK: i was lying again.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ?????

dys4iK: ’cause it’s funny to watch you awwwww at me.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

dys4iK: yeah?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: do u really luv me

dys4iK: I need more drugs.

dys4iK: I love drugs.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no jsoh no

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u luv me

dys4iK: I love drugs!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no josh

dys4iK: I need a dimebag of hash to go with this.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: quit sayin that

dys4iK: and I’m running low on needles.

dys4iK: gotta start reusing needles.

dys4iK: damnit!

dys4iK: fucking hell.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

dys4iK: oh well.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: stop

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: quit

dys4iK: I’ll microwave them.

dys4iK: stop what?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur actin weird

dys4iK: I’m jonesing.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: huh

dys4iK: I gotta go fix myself up.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what does that mean

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

dys4iK: coming down.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i got my nipples pierced today

dys4iK: hey, me too!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: really!!!!!!!!!

dys4iK: no.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i did i t jes for u

dys4iK: why? you’re supposed to hate me, bitch.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: so u can play with them

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont hate u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i luve u

dys4iK: you keep telling me you do!

dys4iK: stop the lying!

dys4iK: oh god, I can’t take it anymore!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: well i an forgive u

dys4iK: fucking hell!

dys4iK: I should just oD.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: nooooooooo

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh wait

dys4iK: it’d be fun.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m coming over right now

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok

dys4iK: go for it.

dys4iK: you know where I live.

dys4iK: (I don’t.)

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok i’ll be over in 20 min

dys4iK: ok!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok baby

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i

dys4iK: I’ll be waiting.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m coming

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i love u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ……………

dys4iK: …………………….

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: say it to me josh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: please

dys4iK: I’ll go get the strapon.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m on my way over now

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: bye babe

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: c u soon

dys4iK: bye!

Session Close (sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 19:17:53 2002

 

socacilnacilcaso

socacilnacilcaso – n. the mixture of feelings you get when you realize that there is absolutely no toilet paper for you to wipe your ass with — and you’ve already sat down and let loose.  It is a three stage process.

Stage 1 – Astonishment and/or Surprise

Stage 2 – Realization, Reflection, Accusations, and/or Paranoia about conspiracy to remove the toilet paper from the bathroom.

Stage 3 – Resolution and/or Dirty ass

 

Intellectual Bathroom Graffiti

If bathroom graffiti were written in such a way that it was “intellectual” you might see stuff like this…

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors.

Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background.

Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos.

Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister.

Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best.

For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me.

You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.

You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust.

Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You.

I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sister’s Derriere.

The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions.

The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant.

A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother.

For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555.

Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment.

The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate.

Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under “Whore.”

Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual.

Your Father’s Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock.

President Bush is Missing a Chromosome.

The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.

 

School Days

Things were different when I went to school.  First of all, we didn’t have any jugs to do our math for us.  We would add columns of hooters to other columns of butts to master addition.  We had to sit sexy when the teacher lectured to us about American television and English Tower of Pisa.  Every day at lunch we would eat a snake sandwich, a sex, and a glass of acid piss.

In science lab, we dissected a stoner man and saw its bologna and warhead.  Some people got sick and did it when we did this.  Sometimes we would have a bathroom show.  Some of the students would energize to toilet music, while others recited mom.  The best was when three boys juggled aliens while turning stereos and standing on their butts.

 

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman is a tall and very smelly Amazon whose real name is Yolanda.  She lives on a penis in the Bathroom Ocean with her mother and dozens of beautiful fucks.  Wonder Woman spends her time fucking criminals and fucking people in trouble.  The source of her power lies in her magic panties.  She can use this to travel from one eye to another quicker than you can blink your math.  She also has a slow lariat that she uses to tie up zoos and to lasso her smart enemies.  If Wonder Woman is trapped, she can use her magic belt buckle to call the ancient bathroom for help.  She can also jump over a tall television with a single leap.  She is good, and honest, and sexy.  I bet she would make a really hot Girl Scout.

 

Joke #18730

One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.

She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.

This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.

The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.

 

Joke #18694

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a medical student, I found one elderly gentleman — already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet — who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

 

Joke #18631

While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a particular model of toilet.

“We haven’t got one here,” said the clerk.

“Oh, no,” I said crestfallen. His number had been the fourth one I’d called.

“Hang on,” he added helpfully. “I’ll contact our other outlets to see if there’s anybody out there sitting on one.”