Sophie: You haven’t given me a speaking part in over a year.
Sussman: I haven’t written in over a year.
Sophie: Bullshit. Pet me.
Sussman: Why would I want to do that?
Sophie: Either pet me or I urinate in your shoes.
Sussman: No way, those are my shoes! (Pets Sophie.)
Sophie: Yes, that’s right. That’s where the money is.
(Sussman stops petting Sophie.)
Sophie: What the hell?
Sussman: I want to watch TV.
Sophie: Keep petting me!
Sussman: No, I want to watch some TV.
Sophie: Fine, turn it to American Idol. I love watching that British judge, Simon, make fun of the bad singers.
Sussman: We’re not watching American Idol. We’re watching the NBA Playoffs.
Sophie: That sucks.
Sussman: You suck!
The 2002-03 Cleveland Cavaliers: We suck!
Sophie: Get your candy asses out of here. Come back when you draft LeBron James.
Sussman: That ain’t gonna happen. Memphis is gonna draft LeBron.
Sophie: You callin’ me a liar, bitch?
Sussman: No, I’m callin’ you a BITCH, LIAR!
Sophie: That’s it. Get down on your knees and rub my tummy!
Sussman: Ew, no. I don’t go on the floor. That’s where you live.
Sophie: Come down to my house so I can kick your pasty white ass!
Simon, the British judge: Sophie, I think you have what it takes to be the next order of Chinese food.
Sussman: Exactly as I thought. Take ’em away, Yao.
Yao Ming: (Bumps head on ceiling.)
(Note: No Cavaliers won any basketball games in the making of this film.)