The Baked Beans Story

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, ‘She’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “Surprise!”

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 

Bathroom Strategies for Men and Women

The Man’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:

1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.

2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room

3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a ‘safe looking’ male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.

4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.

5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.

6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants.

** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.

7) Wash hands.

8 ) Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.

9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn’t forget anything.

10) Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.

11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, “Wow, what took you so long.”

———————————-

A Women’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:

1) Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it’s always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only after checking every available stall.

2) Decide which is the cleanest stall, and try to get to it before that other bitch who entered when you did.

3) Mutter “Slut” under breath, when she grabs the stall you wanted, and make a run for the one you wanted, or that skank who entered after you will get it.

4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.

5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.

6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper! Germs are bad!

7) Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.

8 ) Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!

9) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can’t move, or you’ll get germs!

10) Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get germs from the seat!

11) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!

12) Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.

13) Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.

14) Flush.

15) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.

16) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.

17) Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.

18) Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!

19) Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.

20) Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING! Make your move to counter/mirror section.

21) Put jacket to side, blocking that skank who was trying to get your stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away as possible from that bitch who took your stall.

22) Scoff at the way the bitch who took your stall looks. Her make-up is all wrong!

23) Spread out contents of purse on counter.

24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.

25) Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!

26) Put on jacket, laugh to self at that skank who wanted your stall her clothes are gross.

27) Walk out of bathroom, tossing head at the skank who is still putting make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the bitch who took your stall scoffs at you.

28) Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast … You were really quick this time!

 

UPDATE 2-6-03

davepoobond: yet another not-so-great update…but hey, its better than today’s episode of Home Improvement, eh eh?  anyone with me?  hello?

SoyBeans: just use that

stuff updated/put up:

Dictionary – 1750 words, 50 new. SUBMIT A WORD

Button Man Games – new games to download

Essays of DefinitionPeace

Stupid IMsRLPUNTER IM, BAA IM

SongsJingle Bells Songs, Poop on My Finger, Popeye Songs

Submit To SquackleFan Mail Submission, Hate Mail Submission, The Fan Mail Archive, The Hate Mail Archive

The Fan Mail ArchiveFan Mail 1, Fan Mail 2

JokesQuicky Jokes, Knock Knock Jokes

Squackle Sports ArenaWhack It or Crack It Rules

 

UPDATE 2-4-03

davepoobond: ok this isn’t a very funny update, most is just a buncha junk that was submitted, and i finally got it up…so yeah..

SoyBeans: brb mom yelling..

stuff updated/put up:

Dictionary – 1700 words, 50 new. SUBMIT A WORD

Button Man Games – games to download

Squackle Broadcasting Company (SBC)PSA: Pornography, Commercial: Gay Spray, PSA: Don’t do Drugs (Please)

JokesQuicky Jokes, Blonde Jokes, Knock Knock Jokes

Squackle Sports ArenaShit Whack Rules, Redneck Tornado Surfing Rules

SongsJingle Bells Songs, Popeye Songs, Mary Had a Little Lamb Songs

Serious PoemsA Little Prayer

Stupid IMsZoeOnAOL IM

Squackle QuotesMovies, Misc. Quotes

 

UPDATE 1-31-03

davepoobond: whoops…put this update up a little too soon. eveything should work now

SoyBeans: hhehehe

stuff updated/put up:

Dictionary – 1650 words, 40 new. SUBMIT A WORD

Button Man Games – new layout

The Screwed Up Games – Chip Buffington (PC) (Rating: 7/10), The Infiltrator Deathmatch (PC) (Rating: 9.5/10)

Questionable Content / QC CharactersMiss Lionel Richie, Evil Dr. Hawking

Squackle Broadcasting Company (SBC)Documentary: Behind The Lyrics – Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets

PoemsThe Rain in Bahrain, Oh my god!, The Truth About my Family

Squackle QuotesMisc. Quotes, Around School, Ms. Boms, davepoobond

SongsPopeye Songs, The Midget Song, Jingle Bells Songs

JokesQuicky Jokes, Blonde Jokes

Other JunkInteresting Facts

 

UPDATE 1-11-03

davepoobond: what to say…what to say…………..err….i gotta vacuum my house…

SoyBeans: wtf.. ? lol

stuff updated/put up:

Dictionary – 1460 words, 10 new. SUBMIT A WORD

Stupid IMsDraxus IM, Soup Nazi IM 2, elmoisfurry IM 20

Squackle Broadcasting Company (SBC)Movie: The Death of Mrs. Stickums, Documentary: Pablo and Georges, Commercial: SAddle SAndbags, Commercial: One Quart Bucket of Urine, Commercial: Jack in the Crack, Commercial: Cliploc Bags, Commercial: Mike Tyson Mean Bean Rotisserie Machine Grill

The Bad Submission ArchiveBad Submission 46, Bad Submission 47, GAY Submission 48

 

UPDATE 12-30-02

davepoobond: yayyy…happy new year….::snore::

elmoisfurry: shove it shove it shove it

SoyBeans: you have weird teachers

stuff updated/put up:

Dictionary – 1440 words, 10 new. SUBMIT A WORD

Squackle Broadcasting Company (SBC)Short Film: Clinton Face, Movie: Jim-Bob-Bob-Jim

Stupid IMsGirlNextDoor3QTx IM, elmoisfurry IM 17, elmoisfurry IM 18

Squackle QuizQuiz Questions 46+

Squackle! Advertisement GallerySquackle! Advertisement 4, Squackle! Banner 1, Squackle! Banner 2

Other JunkFind Your Armenian Name, Find Your Retard Name, Find Your Star Wars Name, Find Your Porn-Star Name

The Bad Submission ArchiveBad Submission 40, Bad Submission 41, Bad Submission 42

 

UPDATE 9-07-02

SoyBeans: you have weird friends.. lol

BALTAUR SAMA: Squack Squack?

stuff updated/put up:

Dictionary – 1260 words, 10 new. SUBMIT A WORD

Stupid IMsjennyjazz18 IM, davepoobond IM 3, elmoisfurry IM 8, katie 889911 IM

StoriesDJ Deluxe

Other JunkFind Your Porn-Star Name

The Bad Submission ArchiveBad Submission 16, Bad Submission 17, Bad Submission 18

Stupid Health StoriesJim Is Tall and Thin, Carol’s Fat, Jan’s a Bulimic

 

UPDATE 8-16-02

davepoobond: actually, we’re getting out URL next month, so i guess we’ll start updating again for a while. Sorry about not updating for a while, there was some server problems kinda

SoyBeans: whose time? huk huk

stuff updated/put up:

Dictionary – 1165 words, 15 new. SUBMIT A WORD

Other JunkFind Your Armenian Name, Find Your Retard Name, Find Your Porn-Star Name, Find Your Star Wars Name

Squackle QuotesMisc. Quotes, Around School, TV, Movies, Mrs. Boms, History, Mr. P-yooson, Mrs. Biology Bitch, davepoobond, Radio

 

UPDATE 7-28-02

davepoobond: we’re finally getting our URL! not much new up today! cuz we gotta move! eventually!

SoyBeans: lol they are weird

stuff updated/put up:

Dictionary – 1150 words, 10 new. SUBMIT A WORD

Other JunkFind Your Armenian Name, Find Your Retard Name, Find Your Porn-Star Name, Find Your Star Wars Name

Squackle QuotesMisc. Quotes, Around School, TV, Movies, Mrs. Boms, History, Mr. P-yooson, Mrs. Biology Bitch, stimpyismyname, davepoobond