Squacklecast Episode 9 – “We Make Them Only to Kill Them”

This entry is part 9 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

Summer movies are in full swing, and this time we take a look at Prometheus as well as the upcoming summer schedule of movies.  Its a big year for super heroes but not much else to get excited about.

WARNING: THERE ARE SOME PROMETHEUS SPOILERS!  You can skip to about a third of the way through and skip all the Prometheus stuff if you care.

Prometheus is a film that raises more questions than answers, like:  “Why would you kill Charlize Theron?” and “Why didn’t we see that scene with Charlize getting it up the butt from the big black dude?”

And there’s also all that hullabaloo about the origins of man and the beginnings of the Xenomorphs, but that’s all secondary.

Inception noise?  Meet your match:  PROMETHEUS NOISE!

Adam Sandler is intentionally making shitty movies.  Its the only explanation.  He just needs to stick with family comedies and dramatic movies, apparently.

This summer has a list of movies it wants to murder, and its gotten a few of them already:

Battleship: Sunk

The Dictator: Assassinated

Dark Shadows: Black Eye

Chernobyl Diaries: Nuked

Prometheus: Hospitalized (In the baby ward)

That’s My Boy: Murdered

Rock of Ages: Murdered

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: Pending Assassination

Brave is another one of those Pixar movies that I’ll probably just hate.  I hate more Pixar movies than I do like them, apparently.

Owen Wilson:  I don’t like his voice, and I don’t like his face.

Finding Nemo had the worst characters of any Pixar movie ever.

The Good Dinosaur is probably just The Good Shepherd but with real dinosaurs, not people you could call dinosaurs.

Its actually worse than that.  It has Lil’ Wayne in it.

Pixar has an impressively boring list of upcoming movies.

Magic Mike has Channing Tatum in it.  Like, OH EM GEE.

Directed by Steven Soderbergh, no less.

How does Tyler Perry keep making movies?  He’s like Adam Sandler but successful.

Katy Perry: Part of Me: Pending Stage Collapse

Savages: Dead on Arrival

Step Up Revolution: Someone Will Step Down (In the government.  Get it? Revolution?  Government?  Step Down?)

The Watch: Legally murdered.  Maybe.

Total Recall: Unfortunate Death Due to Lack of References.  Please resubmit an application.

Expendables 2: Expendable (get it?)

ParaNorman: Already Dead

Resident Evil: Retribution: Been Dead

Sean Bean: Died 20+ times.  Save Sean Bean!

That’s it for this week, folks.  Hope you like our rudimentary coverage of what’s to come for this summer in the movies.

If you want to be on the Squacklecast, let us know!  We can schedule you for an interview and you can hang out with us for an hour.

 

Squacklecast Episode 2 – “We Planned This Out”

This entry is part 2 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

Hello again, faithful Squacklers!  This week we talk about more random movies with the second episode of the Squacklecast — “We Planned This Out.”  Davepoobond and Solid Billy take on the pressing questions of our times, like “Why does Jean Claude Van Damme play the same character in Kickboxer and Bloodsport?” and realizing that Sean Bean is actually a lazy actor because he dies in practically all his movies so he doesn’t have to act anymore!

The Schticky Commercial:

Vince Offer was arrested for an altercation with a prostitute.

And here’s his mugshot!

Vince Offer should just get a lavalier mic.  But he insists on using his stupid headset.

The Shamwow Spanish commercial:

The SlapChop!

The Better Marriage Blanket

American Reunion is coming out.

American Pie: The Naked Mile was pretty dumb.

Shannon Elizabeth could carry a movie by herself as a stereotypical foreigner.

End of Days is probably better than Collateral Damage.

John Leguizamo’s List of Victims

There was a lot of innuendo in Home Alone 2.

Training Day is a lot more like Home Alone 2 than you might care to realize…

Home Alone 3 was also a travesty.

There were only two black guys in Glory, a movie about a black-american regiment in the Civil War.

Dr. Who should reunite all the James Bonds in a “reunion” movie.

Little Man should be re-released in 3D.

Song of the South should be released in 3D, too.  But its in the Disney Vault’s Secret Chamber, never to be seen again.

Bloodsport vs. Kickboxer – more like red haired guy vs. black guy with a machine gun!

Sean Bean dies in all the movies he’s in:

Someone getting hurt or killed during a robbery should be a given, shouldn’t it?

Ca$h is the movie where Sean Bean dies twice.

Thanks for tuning in!  Next time we’ll be live at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.