Local Exchange: An Eruption of Stupidity

Based off the following post:

http://squackle.com/22567/screwed-up-chronicles/daves-kingdom/scam-call-from-local-exchange/

Harry Brown and Mildred Jacklesmith once had a great idea.

“Why don’t we scam people?” Harry Brown said.

Mildred, obviously in agreement, shouted at the top of her lungs.  “YESSSS!!!!!”

And so a company was born.  It was named Local Exchange and it was in San Dimas, California.  Or maybe it was in Villaverde.  Is that even a city?  To tell you the truth no one really knows what city it actually is in.  Not that it matters because absolutely all of their business would be conducted over the phone.

Local Exchange invested in a phone number that provided unlimited calling and texting.  Obviously, to scam people you need to call them unlimitedly and text them non-stop.  Otherwise, the whole scam thing doesn’t really seem very scammish!

The first order of business was to create the scam.  The scam of all scams.  A scam that everyone would believe but only the smart people would question and only the smart people would see it was a scam.  People who were smarter than them, even.  But that’s not the target market, now, is it?

The scam had been planned out in a matter of days.  First, they would call a random number and ask to speak to the “owner of the phone” to make it sound official.  Once they had the owner of the phone, they would tell them about the grand prize they had won and how everyone knows them locally but to get notoriety in different parts of the country, they were expanding their random 6-day cruise prize to different areas of California.

Once the person had given them their credit card information and social security number, they would hang up and begin to apply for credit cards and home loans with their information and take out cash advances.  And then they would invest that money into online payment systems.

Yes, life was grand in the most successful scamming company of all time.  Local Exchange posted huge profits and Harry and Mildred bought huge mansions once owned by drug dealers who fell victim to the scams.  Poor drug dealers lost their drug dens, but they weren’t the only victims to the grandest scam of all time.

I will now tell you about a lady who was down on her luck.  She thought she was the luckiest person in the world and won a free 6-day cruise to New York from California.  Oh, what a joyous occasion it was.  And all she had to give them was her name, address, social security number, and driver’s license number.  Overnight, this wonderful, nice lady had transformed into a blathering hobo asking for change at bus stop benches.  The day before she had been a worker at McDonald’s but when it came about that another Emelia Prancasa applied for a job at Burger King across the street with the same information as “Our” Emelia, that’s when McDonald’s fired her.  They couldn’t have a worker working at two fast food restaurants at the same time.  That would be espionage in the making!

Poor Emelia.  She can no longer work at any fast food restaurant because she became the most notorious fast food restaurant quadruple agent ever to be known.  Too bad she wasn’t hot cause she was quite ugly and not very attractive to boot.  Sometimes ugly people can be attractive, but sometimes they are just stupid.  Like Emelia.  Because she thought she won a 6-day cruise when in fact she won nothing and lost it all.

The end.

Moral:  Don’t give away your private information to random people who call you on the phone telling you you won a 6-day cruise.

 

Joke #18718

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.

“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear — everything there was!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie – and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop, and candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

She half opened one eye. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”

 

Joke #18575

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, gerry! Where do you think you are?”

The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.

“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.

“Oh, nothing really,” he said with a heavy accent, “I just realized you actually came here for the food!”

 

You Know You Are From A Small Town When…

You Know You Are From A Small Town When…

– The local phone book has only one yellow page.

– Third Street is on the edge of town.

– The “road hog” in front of you on Main Street is a farmer’s combine.

– You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it’s still there, on the same chair.

– You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going, anyway.

– No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

– You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

– Everyone knows all the news before it’s published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

– The McDonalds only has only one Golden Arch.

– A “Night on the Town” takes only 11 minutes.

– You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you’re from.

– Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.

– You can name everyone you graduated with.

– School gets canceled for state sporting events.

– Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

– Directions are given using “the” stop light as a reference

– It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

 

The Autobiography of Arby, the Crappy Fast Food Restaurant Owner

Hello, my name is Arby. Yes, I know everyone in the whole world hates my restaurant and its food, and wish that I go away forever, but I won’t. Not yet anyway…I have to tell you my story first!

It all started one day. One day…yes…one day…one day. One day I was visiting my Aunt Arby. Arby is my family’s last name, y’know. Anyway, I was visiting my Aunt Arby, and she made a burger one day. Or so I thought it was a burger…it was actually a piece of crap that consisted of slices of beef that were sliced the same as packaged ham slices. A stack of the beef slices in between 2 pieces of bread. That was the start of the Arby burger. So, I enslaved my aunt to make the Arby Burger 24/7 for the rest of her worthless life. The burgers were cheap to make, and my aunt worked for free.

Soon, I enslaved the rest of my living family. They all worked in the same room. In my bedroom closet. The closet was 45 inches by 2 inches, of course it wasn’t very good, and there was disease, germs, sweat, and such floating around. Well, it wasn’t very good for them, but it was great for me! It cost me 45 cents to make 346 Arby Burgers. And I sold them to unsuspecting neighbors and children for 8 dollars. Soon, I got some advice from a friendly man passing by. He told me that I should make a chain of Arby Burger fast food restaurants and beat the crap outta McDonalds, and Burger King and such. So I did and I personally went over to the CEO’s of McDonalds, Burger King, and such, and beat the crap outta them. It was my first advertising campaign. My first TV coverage for my restaurant was on America’s Most Wanted, where I was nicknamed the Fast Food CEO Crap Beater Outter.

I was sent into prison, when they finally caught me hiding behind a trash can. In prison, I made many friends, and hired some managers. The people I made as managers were Reverse the Molestor, Dust Cloud the Rabid Tick, Mo the Tigress, and Flasher n’ Dasher. They were the “muscle” of Arby. We planned how to make Arby Burgers into an empire, and made business decisions that would be vital to our main cash flow. Once I got out, I put the plans into action, and got enough money to get all of my committee out of jail on bail. We bought ourselves 56 more stores across the city of Mlah, Canada, dressing ourselves in snazzy suits, and over inflated priced watches, earrings, nose rings, and tit rings. We started plans on inventing new types of Arby Burgers, then we came to a surprising conclusion. We needed employees, and since most people would have to be paid, our expansion plans and our advertising for all around the North American continent, were slowed down. My family worked until they died, not being paid a cent. I will never forget my family. Wait…who was I talking about?

Slowly and steadily, our crappy burgers became served in low-rate schools once a week, earning us billions and billions of dollars. Soon enough, we had enough money to buy chairs in the restaurants…!

As time goes on, the legacy of Arby Burger will live on forever.

Or so we thought.

That’s when the last relative of my family came in with a machine gun, gunning down everyone eating at Arby Burger’s main restaurant. He escaped my enslaving of my family, I suppose, so he came to get revenge on me by killing my committee, and putting me in the hospital, where I later died, not from a gunshot wound, but from the diseases passed on through my Arby Burgers. The remaining Arby, is the one that made our logo be a Cowboy hat that said Arby on it, and all was forgotten of Arby’s past…including me…

THE END

 

The Twisted Story of Binobobo and His Demise

Prologue

Bobo was a simple farmer in Wisconsin. He farmed cheese. Cheese is very popular in Wisconsin, which is why he farmed cheese. Cheese is made from milk. Bobo had cows, therefore he had milk, and with milk, he had cheese.

Chapter 1

Obo was a superhero. He had super powers, such as the ability to punch through walls. One day Obo was flying over the city of Wisconsin, which is a city in Wisconsin, when he saw a crime being comitted. The crime, specifically, was a typical bank robbery. Obo was just about to stop it when one of the robbers handed him a sack of money as a bribe. Obo looked at the robbers for a while, then decided to mind his own business and flew away with the sack of money. Thus, Obo “went bad.”

Chapter 2

Bingo was a happy monkey. He’s been like that for as long as he could remember, which is about five seconds. You see Bingo, too, was a super hero. He had the power of a very short term memory. This was useful for lots of things. One was if someone kept telling him the same joke over and over, it would still be funny. He could talk, too.

Chapter 3

Bobo, Obo, and Bingo meet as a result of a wormhole opening where each of them were standing.

“Hi,” said Bobo.

“Hello, I’m a talking monkey,” said Bingo.

“Hey, maybe we should team up and be three times as powerful and be a super, super, super hero!” said Obo.

“Hello, I’m a talking monkey,” said Bingo.

“I think it would only be a super, super hero,” said Bobo, “for you see, I am a simple farmer while you and the monkey are super heroes.”

“Hi, I’m a talking monkey.” said Bingo.

“Fine, whatever,” said Obo, “We can be a super, super hero that can make cheese!”

“Now yer talkin’!” said Bobo.

“Hi, I’m a talking monkey,” said Bingo.

Chapter 4

Obo, Bingo, and Bobo mash their bodies together in a trash compactor and become a “super, super hero that can make cheese,” which will now be known simply as “Binobobo.”

Chapter 5

Hamburgler was plotting an evil scheme to get rid of the newly arisen Binobobo. Hamburgler hated all super heroes, especially ones with names like Binobobo. His plan was to feed Binobobo a Sausage McMuffin, then wait for Binobobo to explode!

Chapter 6

“I’m hungry,” said Binobobo, “let’s get some chow!”

“Ok by me!” said Binobobo.

“I’m a talking monkey,” said Binobobo

Chapter 7

Binobobo was on his way to Taco Bell to get some Zesty Tacos when he heard someone say, “Um, excuse me Mr. Binobobo, but would you be interested in some free food?”

“Free food?!” said Binobobo, “How can any one refuse free food?!” So he flew down to where the man calling him was. It was at McDonalds. He glanced at the sign.

McDonalds

We love to see you smile – then explode!!

“Hmm…I don’t know about this…what do you think, Binobobo?” asked Binobobo.

“Seems fine to me, even though I hate McDonalds,” said Binobobo.

“I’m a talking monkey…hey, wait, I already said that. Geez, you guys are so boring that I actually remember what I said five seconds ago-Hi, I’m a talking monkey,” said Binobobo

“Whoa,” thought Hamburgler, “this guy is weirder than my commercials!”

“Ok!” said Binobobo, “Now we can take your food!”

“Hmm…maybe you’d better take three of these Sausage McMuffins…” said Hamburgler.

“Nonsense, we aren’t three people anymore,” said Binobobo, “Just three people mashed together!”

“Oh…I…see…” said Hamburgler while he handed Binobobo the Sausage McMuffin, “Here you go…free food!”

“Thank you!” said Binobobo.

“I’m a talking monkey,” said Binobobo

Binobobo ate the sausage McMuffin and exploded, as planned. The End