Joke #21241: Parachute Situation

You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service agent: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Economist: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers representative: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.

 

#21238: Matt Sussman -> Matt Cary

Matt Sussman and Matt Cary talking about the Randall Simon incident…

Matt Sussman: but I’ll be frank

Matt Sussman: the person inside the costume should relish this moment

Matt Sussman: because what Randall Simon did just doesn’t cut the mustard

Matt Sussman: and after she fell down… no way could she ketchup

Matt Cary: Oh my gosh, stop youre killing me

Matt Cary: thats so many in a row

Matt Sussman: I think that last joke was the wurst one

Matt Cary: Yeah, that last frank joke wasnt worth a hill of beans.

Matt Sussman: yeah, it made me chili

Matt Sussman: at least I had the onions to keep going

Matt Cary: Yeah, I think now youre just trying to be a hot dog.

Matt Sussman: Thanks. You just brat that to my attention.

Matt Cary: Didnt want you to make yourself look like a weenie.

Matt Sussman: wow. the list of puns we went through is about a foot long

Matt Cary: Baloney.

Matt Sussman: Don’t have a cow.

 

#21227: Malaky -> Toby

malaky: And then I kill you.

Toby: *dies*

malaky: I didn’t kill you yet. Come back to life.

Toby: *cast Life level 3*

Toby: *revived*

malaky: now die.

Toby: *dies*

malaky: Very well, now that you are dead, come back to life and discuss 19th Century politics with me.

Toby: *cast Life level 3*

Toby: *revived*

malaky: The Whig Party: Why couldn’t they elect a president that would live?

Toby: It’s damn near impossible.

Toby: All of our presidents have been Masons.

Toby: Except Kennedy, who was killed for not being a Mason.

malaky: You bring a good point, but what did slavery have to do with it all?

Toby: Masons used to be all about slavery until they finally let African Americans become Masons. Then it was all over.

malaky: The downfall of humanity, you mean?

Toby: I’d say so.

malaky: Then let me ask this: Who made John Travolta a star?

Toby: I would imagine that was not an act of the Masons, but someone sold their soul for that one.

malaky: Wouldn’t that be two souls? The man came close to an Oscar.

Toby: Nah, Oscars are the work of Masons.

malaky: And the Billboard Music Awards?

Toby: Nah, that stuff’s just retarded.

malaky: Then why haven’t the Masons killed Osama Bin Laden yet?

Toby: they’re workin’ on that.

Toby: they gotta get the European Masons more involved.

malaky: Damn them to hell.

malaky: Damn them…….to hell.

Toby: Oh, they’re waiting.

Toby: They’ve got a meeting in hell in 2015

malaky: Really? Hell? I thought they closed down that convention hall after the Nazis tried reforming again.

Toby: Nah, they reformed it.

malaky: Oh. Bummer.

malaky: You a member?

Toby: If I were, I wouldn’t be able to tell you I was unless you were one.

malaky: I see your point.

malaky: Toby, is Tina Fey hot?

Toby: Hello Fellow Mason.

Toby: *does the handshake*

Toby: *whew* I was wondering when you’d say the password.

malaky: I take my time.

Toby: That’s good. So how’s the business?

malaky: corrupt.

Toby: just what we like to hear!

malaky: I’m being prosecuted, so I’m fleeing jurisdiction.

Toby: Where to?

malaky: Now if I told you, wouldn’t that be breaking one of the cardinal rules?

Toby: nope, unless you were going somewhere other than the designated Mason refugee camps.

malaky: Oh. In that case, I am going to one of the designated refugee camps.

malaky: And if people ask, my name is Father Hernotwith and I have been holy my entire life.

Toby: We wouldn’t have it any other way.

malaky: I’ve also considered hiding in a dishwasher.

Toby: Ooh, primo choice. What kind of soap will you be using?

malaky: I haven’t decided yet.

Toby: May I suggest Pine?

malaky: You may.

malaky: But I’m still selling my child for food money.

Toby: those food stamps are worth a lot.

malaky: Is 50 a good price?

Toby: Per stamp, yes.

Toby: I’d shoot for 55, though.

Toby: Just say “you’re breakin my balls here.”

malaky: For good measure, I’d actually break their balls in return right?

Toby: Oh ya, but it was supposed to be a threat.

malaky: In that case, I’m sleeping with your mother’s favorite goat.

malaky: And we’re expecting.

Toby: Shultzy doesn’t understand Masonry.

malaky: You can’t deny my love for the goat forever you know.

malaky: sometimes, when I’m asleep at night, I dream of a new basement. Is this abnormal?

Toby: Not in the least.

malaky: And it has three TVs. What does this symbolize.

Toby: you like TV?

malaky: Actually, I like the refrigerator more.

malaky: Dude, food just appears in that thing.

Toby: Food is SOOOO good!

malaky: One time, I ate so much food that I ate more.

malaky: I’d just like to say that Harry Potter is a hermaphrodite.

Toby: He told me personally.

malaky: Good news should be spread.

Toby: I’ll kill that fucker.

malaky: If you do, pick up Dave Matthews on the way.

malaky: And we’ll hold hands, sit in a circle, and declare how manly we are.

Toby: i hate that fucker.

malaky: I think I love citrus. Is there something wrong with me?

Toby: Citrus is a flavor for all.