Smarty Pants

Cast: Captain Monique Meddlesome

Commander Sabrina Seesaw

Doctor Donna

Engineer Jaysen Juju

Pilot Angela Ambush

Security Chief Monkeywrench (a Silverback gorilla)


Captain Monique Meddlesome was sleeping rather uncomfortably in the microwave in her personal quarters when all of a sudden, the Starship Big Bad Bouncin Bubba shook. Monique hopped out of the microwave and turned on the intercom.

“Captain to bridge! What’s going on?” she demanded.

“Not much,” said Angela Ambush, the ship’s pilot. “I’m at my post, painting my toenails. Doctor Donna is wandering all over the ship, searching for human guinea pigs to take part in her latest lab experiment gone HORRIBLY wrong. Sabrina is plotting your destruction, as am I. Jaysen is messing with me and therefore one second away from getting vaporized by my ray gun and God only knows what Monkeywrench is up to.”

“Never mind all that, fool! What else is going on??”

Angela frowned, put her feet up on the ship’s steering wheel and reflected for a moment. “Well, let’s see…one of my friends just broke up with this guy with twelve hands. She dumped him because he wasn’t very “handy” around the house!” Angela laughed until she cried and fell out of her chair.

Monique tapped her communication badge. “Captain to doctor.”

“Doctor here. I’m busy cheating on my income taxes. What you want?”

“Angela needs some medication, it seems,” said Monique.

“Angela’s beyond help,” Doctor Donna remarked. “I thought you were contacting me about a problem that could be solved.”

“What good are you?” Monique asked. She turned off the intercom, put on her robe and fell to the floor again as the ship shook once more.

*

This is a STRANGE UNIVERSE, in which ANYTHING is possible.

*

Monique strode onto the bridge in her pajamas and robe.

“Captain, it’s about time you showed up,” Commander Sabrina said. “We are under attack.”

“We are under a tack?” Monique asked. “Wow! That’s gotta be one huge tack! When did we get underneath it? Who put it there? A species of giants with giant tacks? Are they tryin’ to ‘pin’ something on us?” Monique looked around for answers and then laughed herself silly.

Sabrina and Angela exchanged frightened glances.

The ship’s phone suddenly rang. Sabrina sprinted over to it and picked it up.

“What up, yo?” she sang into the receiver. She listened intently for several hours, nodded every once in a while and then hung up.

“Who was that?” the captain asked. “And how on Pluto did they get the number to this ship?”

“That was a creature calling himself OkeDoke. He claims we have trespassed in his territory.”

“Really?” said the captain.

“No, I lied,” said Sabrina. “The truth is, the caller was a man from France, who had a habit of eating his pants. So he went to the store to go get some more but the cashier said “Not a chance!”

“Stop lying!” the captain yelled.

“That is the truth,” Sabrina said. “He eats pants. Don’t ask me why.” She sat down and began making a hit list of all the people she wished she could kill. Monique topped the list.

“So if he’s the one who keeps eating his own pants, why is he attacking US?” Angela inquired. “We were minding our own business, for once!”

“Good question,” Monique mused while standing on one leg like a flamingo. She spun around and around and crashed into a crewman. She glared at him when he fell to the floor.

The phone rang again, and this time Angela answered the call.

“Hello?” she asked. She frowned while listening to the caller’s voice, nodded and then hung up.

“You guys are never gonna believe this,” Angela said.

“NOW what?” Commander Sabrina muttered.

“The guy who eats his pants said he will keep attacking us until we give him a lifetime supply of pants. If we refuse to supply him with the merchandise, he said he will board our ship and steal the clothes.”

“Why doesn’t he simply ask us to help him, instead of threatening us?” asked Monique.

“How should I know?” asked Angela. “Do I look like I know everything?”

“Hardly,” replied Monique and chuckled at the very idea.

The ship shook again, and Monique fell into Jaysen’s lap.

“Captain, you sitting on my lap is highly inappropriate,” he said, blushing.

“What makes you say that?” Monique asked, accidentally kissing him all over his face.

“Captain, the guy who eats pants has penetrated our ship’s armor,” said Angela as she studied a console with a piece of chewing gum on her forehead.

“Acknowleged,” Monique said while running toward Angela. “I’m almost afraid to ask you this, but like an idiot, I’m going to ask you anyway. Why do you have a piece of gum on your forehead?”

“What? A piece of gum? On MY forehead?” Angela raced to a mirror and said “Holy crappola! I have been looking all over for that gum!” She ripped the gum from her forehead and yelled “OWWWWWWWWWWW!”

“So what’s happening with the guy who eats pants?” Commander Sabrina asked. “Has he boarded the ship yet?”

“He boarded the ship five minutes ago, you freak,” replied Angela with a red forehead. “I suggest you and the captain call Security and have that nutcase apprehended!”

“Good idea,” Monique said, and after she called security, security officers arrived on the bridge and apprehended Angela!

*

The intercom on the bridge beeped.

“Captain here.”

“This is the Guy Who Eats Pants,” said the…guy who eats pants.

“Get off my ship,” the captain said in her most baby-ish voice.

“Not until you hand over all the pants aboard this vessel.”

“Where are you?” Monique asked.

The Guy Who Eats Pants turned off the intercom.

Five seconds later, Angela frowned and turned to the captain.

“Captain, I’m getting reports of some guy messing around in the ship’s laundromat, looking in all of the washing machines and dryers for pants,” she said. “He kicked everyone out of the laundromat.”

“Sabrina, let’s go down to the laundromat!” Monique said, sprinting toward the elevator.

Sabrina frowned. “But why? I know my uniform stinks, but does it stink THAT bad?”

*

Monique and Sabrina ran into the ship’s laundromat just as the The Guy Who Eats Pants was putting on a pair.

“Take those pants off!” Monique ordered the man.

“Would you two like to be alone?” Sabrina asked, looking from Monique to the man and then vice versa.

“A guy’s gonna take off his pants?” Doctor Donna asked as she walked into the room, panting and drooling. “Can I watch?”

“I will not remove my pants,” said The Guy. “I need them.” He closed his eyes, hummed and began writing complex mathematical equations on the wall. Monique, Sabrina and Doc Donna tried to solve the equations but the answers eluded them.

“Quite frankly, I’m stumped,” said Doctor Donna.

“Quite frankly, I’m perplexed,” replied Sabrina.

“Quite frankly, I’m Frank,” said Monique.

“But I thought your name was Monique?” Donna asked.

“That makes two of us,” Monique answered.

Doctor Donna sighed, injected herself with a syringe and purposely passed out to escape Monique’s insanity.

The Guy solved the mathematical equations and smiled. “Now do you all see why I need pants?” he asked.

“No,” Sabrina said. “And by the way, your shirt doesn’t go with those pants.”

The Guy sighed. “Without pants, I am dumb. But the moment I put on some pants, ANY pair of pants, I become a genius, capable of solving any problem. I can also think grand, profound and philisophical thoughts when I wear pants! And I eat them because they are delicious and a very good source of starch. So I can be full of food and think philisophical thoughts all at the same time!”

“Wait a minute, wo wo wo, just wait one doggone second here,” said Monique, waving her arms in confusion. “Who the heck is Mr. Phil Losophical, and what does he have to do with ANY of this?”

“Why do I even bother talking to that girl?” The Guy asked Sabrina.

“You’re not the first person to ask that question, and you certainly won’t be the last,” answered Sabrina.

The Guy laughed and was about to leave the ship when Sabrina tapped him on his shoulder.

“Before you leave, I must know something. Who IS Mr. Phil Losophical, anyway?”

The Guy Who Eats Pants ran away, because it was the smart thing to do.

(end)