“I’m a pretty flexible person who likes yarn (I knit and crochet), french fries, and Netflix.”
– from a girl’s dating profile
“I’m a pretty flexible person who likes yarn (I knit and crochet), french fries, and Netflix.”
– from a girl’s dating profile
This episode we talk about sexy Asians and how cute their feet are. We also talk about all of these hot Asian girls in this post here:
And we talk about X-Men: Days of Future Past.
To continue on the earlier thought that practically every song Katy Perry sings is about Katy Perry taking it from a very large penis in some shape or form, her recent single “Dark Horse” is also about a big penis slapping the shit out of her ovaries. In this edition of Dave’s Breakdown, we’ll go over the lyrics of this song with a fine toothed-comb.
“Yeah / Ya’ll know what it is / Katy Perry / Juicy J, aha. / Let’s rage”
Okay this part is your normal introduction of the “guest” singer in a song. So we have it established that this guy “Juicy J” is the object of Katy Perry’s lower abdominal discomfort. As his name implies, he probably has a very large, juicy penis. Or at least, that’s what we’re supposed to believe.
“I knew you were / You were gonna come to me”
Well, you can’t get more blunt than this. This guy is “cumming” to her!
“And here you are / But you better choose carefully”
Choosing what, you might ask? I’m guessing anal or vagina. You have to choose carefully because if you go anal you can’t go vagina unless you trade out the condom because then there will be shit on the condom and putting shit into a vagina isn’t nice for anyone.
“‘Cause I, I’m capable of anything / Of anything and everything”
She’s open to every position you can think of, and she is very flexible.
“Make me your Aphrodite / Make me your one and only / But don’t make me your enemy, your enemy, your enemy”
Something about not being open to threesomes.
“So you wanna play with magic / Boy, you should know what you’re falling for”
Play with “magic” being semen swirling inside of her vagina. Falling, because when she squirts, she squirts with such force she’ll make you fall backwards.
“Baby do you dare to do this?”
It is pretty dangerous because her vagina/ass is very tight.
“Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse”
Now, here it is. She is riding the “you” in the song like a horse, but a dark one. Because you didn’t expect her to be so easily fuckable.
“Are you ready for, ready for / A perfect storm, perfect storm”
She’s so perfect in bed, the sheets will wrap up like a tornado or something, and you can’t get out until you rip a tendon.
“Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine / There’s no going back”
Once you decide to go steady with her, anal is off the table.
“Mark my words / This love will make you levitate”
Your semen is going to “levitate” cause you’re going to be laying down while she’s riding you like a (dark) horse.
“Like a bird / Like a bird without a cage / But down to earth / If you choose to walk away, don’t walk away”
You can’t leave until you make her squawk like a bird.
“It’s in the palm of your hand now baby / It’s a yes or no, no maybe / So just be sure before you give it all to me / All to me, give it all to me”
Katy Perry’s ovaries are in your hands and you have to put them back inside her vagina, fertilized.
[Juicy J – Rap Verse:]
“Uh / She’s a beast / I call her Karma (come back) / She eats your heart out / Like Jeffrey Dahmer (woo) / Be careful / Try not to lead her on / Shorty’s heart is on steroids / Cause her love is so strong / You may fall in love / When you meet her / If you get the chance you better keep her / She’s sweet as pie but if you break her heart / She’ll turn cold as a freezer / That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor / She can be my Sleeping Beauty / I’m gon’ put her in a coma / Woo!”
Translation: Wear a condom or you’re fucked in more ways than one. Knight in shining “armor” indeed…
“Damn I think I love her / Shorty so bad, I’m sprung and I don’t care”
Not even trying to hide that this part is about a penis.
“She ride me like a roller coaster / Turned the bedroom into a fair (a fair!)”
Usually roller coasters come with lots of safety precautions, but once you’re set up, its going to be up and down, up and down, up and down, and possibly barfing at the end because of all the nausea/gagging. There will also be lots of gross food and cotton candy pubic hair.
“Her love is like a drug / I was tryna hit it and quit it / But lil’ mama so dope / I messed around and got addicted”
Funny how they use a word that has the word “dick” in it at the end of this verse.
In conclusion, Katy Perry has big boobs, but now her songs are more about being exclusive to one person and getting only one person to fuck her brains out in a consistent relationship rather than as a fleeting one night stand like in her song “Firework.”
Welcome to what could be said is “Season 2” of the Squacklecast!
The main things to link here are:
We talked about lots of other stuff, like:
The Coachella line up.
Facebook buying Oculus
The Avengers, X-Men, and Spider-Man movies, as well as the DC comic book properties.
See ya guys next year!
Developer/Publisher: Hanako Games || Overall: 8.0
Welcome Lords and Ladies, gentlemen and women of esteem to the tale of Princess Elodie. A young girl caught betwixt her royal appointment as upcoming queen and the many dangers that the title holds. Watch her take classes on the many facets of a proper ruler and matriarch. Watch her weave her way through the tribulations of both political intrigue and royal scandal. Watch her conquer both the battlefield and the ballroom with her might and refinement. And watch her die… and die… and die again…
Don’t get too attached, her many deaths will be the result
of your bad decisions.
Okay, I had my fun.
Long Live the Queen is a visual novel of political intrigue, war and death all dressed up in a pretty, pretty pink ribbon for your playing pleasure. The game casts you in the role of young princess Elodie, fresh from the sudden and unexplained death of her mother; this understandably depressed young lady is now tasked with running the country until her proper coronation on her fifteenth birthday. You, on the other hand, are in charge of keeping her alive by means of a point and click adventure where you will raise up skills to complete tasks through menu commands. You will fail.
At its core, Long Live the Queen is a literal numbers game. You have a number of weeks until Elodie’s coronation, attempts on her life occur on certain numbered weeks, and you then avoid them by having leveled the necessary skills to survive to a certain number. Long Live the Queen’s success in this formula is in how fluidly this all comes together. The game does the number crunching for you while clearly explaining all in-game mechanics.
If described in one word, the “game play” in Long Live the Queen is “light.” A typical in-game week consist of first sending Elodie out to learn two skills in the form of classes, and ends with having her participate in some sort of event during the weekend. Both skills she has focused on are raised by a base of two points per day and, with no bonuses, results in 10 points for the week. This is further diversified by her mood; every weekend you are asked to have Elodie participate in some sort of activity that affects her mood and, in turn, her mood affects how well she does in her studies. If done correctly, you could gain a bonus that is about three times the usual rate. If done incorrectly, you could succumb to a penalty that results in an effective score of zero points for the whole week.
The skills range somewhere between “a lot” to a “crap load.”
Now while simple enough in execution, to make the most out of your skills and moods requires a careful point and click balancing act. First off, the skills are quite numerous and the game doesn’t really allow for your princess to train evenly in all fields. More often than not, you will find that making Elodie a jack-of-all-trades will lead to an earlier demise than min-maxing (minimizing the effect of undesired skills and maximizing the effect of desired ones). This can get particularly difficult when you find out that each skill has two associated skills that must be raised over 25 points before the skill you want can be raised over 50 points. Overall, you’ll find that a well-rounded princess usually equals a hated, useless and dead one.
Moods, to the same extent, also require their own special balancing act to make the most out of them. Each mood is set at one end of an eleven point scale and at the opposite end of that scale is a mood that is contradictory to it. For example, in this game, you can’t be angry if you are afraid, you can’t be cheerful if you are depressed, and you can’t be lonely if you are pressured. How much each of those makes sense is up to you. So whenever a certain activity gives you points in one mood, it also detracts points from its opposite mood. This will often have you subject your princess to a constant state of manic depression as you go from one end of each mood scale to the other in search of the right mood bonus to complement the skills you desire. Though, even with perfect mastery of both skills and moods, it doesn’t mean your princess will make it out alive.
It’s not like I think that the combination of angry and afraid is being
passive-aggressive, but it could make sense, man…
Elodie is going to die… she’s going to die a lot… but that is also part of the fun of Long Live the Queen. Even when you believe you have a perfect set of skills and moods to take your little monarch from princess to queen, the game has no problem throwing a surprise curveball at you and killing Elodie off. The process, while frustrating, often times fills you with a renewed sense of determination as you start fresh and tweak her skills to overcome that particular obstacle and then find another one to have you repeat the whole process. Even when you do eventually manage to make Elodie a queen, you can find yourself eagerly replaying the game to find out what other sets of skills can make her a queen and not a cadaver. Altogether, Elodie’s constant deaths give a sort of morbid charm to the game.
Never before has brutal death been more adorable.
Visually, the game takes many cues from the art styles found in most shoujo (girl) comics in Japan, which makes sense since this game is targeted towards girls but with a wider audience in mind (justifying my manhood: done). The girls are cute and the boys are just as pretty. My only problem is that despite the game fitting the visual novel category, it seems far more inclined to just describe the story rather than illustrate it. The game could do well to provide more illustrations during the more important points of the story than just a portrait of a face and some text next to it. Though, when illustrated, the pictures are a treat to see.
In the audio department, the piano arrangements that accompany the story give it a fairy tale ambiance, as well as, just being pleasant on the ears to hear. It does well to highlight the sad, cheerful, and action scenes throughout the novel. In contrast, the sound effects are virtually non-existent. Which is a shame, since a well placed clang of steel or cheering crowd could have picked up the slack where the visuals did not.
There isn’t really much to say about the interface. To its benefit, everything is easy to get to, clearly explained and hardly confusing. You point. You click. You get on with Elodie’s life (or death).
The narrative does a good job at juxtaposing the pretty princess theme with the darker tones of rulership. One minute Elodie could be enjoying a grand ball, and the next she could be at the end of an assassin’s blade. Though, in that regard, it does exactly what the game promises; it takes you through the “typical” year of someone destined to be queen. Where the narrative thrives is in the fact that, despite one scene near the end, it is exactly what you make of it. Often times, you will even find that events from much earlier have great impact on events found later on in the story. Though, whether princess Elodie makes the castle her gilded cage to protect her from the world’s troubles, becomes a war mongering tyrant, or goes on an adventure to vanquish fantastical beast is completely based on the skills she takes and choices you make.
…or you could play her like I did. As a warlord skilled in both decoration and public speaking that I imagine
screams, “I AM THE PRETTIEST!” after every victory to the cheers of a loving crowd
…and so ends our tale of princess Elodie. A tale, while lacking both in effects of visual and of sound, can be an intriguing piece that is delightfully frustrating and wonderfully addicting to come back to. To all the Lord and Ladies in the audience, I bid you “Adieu.”
When not writing reviews as Unnamedhero, Eduardo Luquin can be reached at email@example.com.
Developer/Publisher: GungHo Online Entertainment|| Overall: 8.5
Hardware Used: T-Mobile G2 with Android 2.3.4
With its roaring success in the Land of the Rising Sun, (that’s Japan, because the sun doesn’t rise elsewhere) GungHo Online Entertainment now intends to addict America with its special blend of Puzzle, RPG and Free-to-Play/Pay-to-Win elements with the straight-to-the-point title Puzzle and Dragons. Though, does the game deliver a fun experience that can garner the attention of an American audience, or will it simply fade in obscurity like many other Japanese imports?
If you need me to tell you which of these imports was a failure and which wasn’t, then videogaming
might not be the right hobby for you.
Puzzle and Dragons is the unholy combination of the puzzle elements of Bejeweled, the monster mechanics of the Shin Megami Tensei series and a dash of Pokémon for added flavor. While each game is addictive in its own right, someone in Japan thought combining the three would make an addiction juggernaut of the likes that mobile gamers have never seen before… and for the most part, he was right.
Puzzle and Dragons starts you off with the wholly “original” idea of having you pick one of three elemental monsters: a fire monster, a water monster, and a plant monster. You are given a random “rare” monster to further entice you to collect more monsters. Afterwards, you are thrown into a seemingly endless supply of dungeons to capture monsters, level and evolve your collection, as well as level yourself up — all to eventually continue the vicious cycle when you find that you can now take on stronger enemies and dungeons. All of which aptly describes your journey through the game.
Okay, I don’t care how it happens but one of you
is helping me catch a Mewtwo.
Game design in Puzzle and Dragons is actually pretty solid. The meat and potatoes of the core game will have you encounter wave after wave of monsters in each dungeon until you reach the boss monster. During battles, the monsters will attempt to attack and reduce your hit points to zero. You’ll counter by matching up elemental gems to make your corresponding monsters attack and reduce the enemy’s hit points to zero. The best moves are when you form a chain of matches, which further multiply the damage your monsters dish out.
Along the way, you collect more monsters while making enough coins to further advance your monster team. While the premise is simple enough a layer of strategy is added by the various special abilities each of your monsters provide that sometimes cause extra damage, other times restore your HP, and can even convert one type of elemental gem into another. Taking these special abilities into account when forming a team of monsters can mean the difference between beating an enemy monster that your current level shouldn’t be able to handle or having a boss curb-stomp them. Furthermore, special “Leader Skills” further shake things up and add another layer.
Puzzle and Dragons also resides in the easy-to–learn-but-hard-to-master category, though the game does a sufficient enough job at explaining the basics, it leaves the more advanced strategies to the players to find them on the internet or discover them in a happy accident. Overall, the gameplay is fun and engaging.
This is an example of strategies derived from a
On the other side of the Free-to-Play coin is the fact that Puzzle and Dragons is a Free-to-Play mobile game and has no shame in reminding you of that. While plenty of activities can be done with the in-game currency, namely leveling up your monsters and evolving them, there are activities that require a special form of currency called a “Magic Stone.” The activities vary in usefulness; you can revive your monsters in a dungeon, regain their stamina so you are allowed to play longer, or get a turn at the hallowed “Rare Egg Machine” for an almost guaranteed chance at a strong monster for the price of five Magic Stones. Then, once their usefulness has been established, the game proceeds to remind you at every turn that they can be purchased in their online store, especially when you have none left.
Now, a fair warning to new players: the game will attempt to make it seem like Magic Stones are easy to come by as it bombards you with them early on in your career as a Pokémon Mas… Persona Use… Dragon Tamer(?). Know that this is only temporary and the stones quickly become a much rarer commodity. That’s not to say that you’ll never get them, and that you can’t eventually achieve the same results with a lot of hard work, but the game is more than happy to offer you an easy way out if you wish to throw money their way.
The controls in this game sometimes suffer the same foibles that many touch screen based games have, but work enough of the time for that to not be a problem. The game never really asks you to do any more than tap the screen or drag your finger along it, and barring an occasional accident, you are able to do just that with no problem. The other elements of the interface are also easy to use. On the main menu, everything is visible and doesn’t require more than three taps to get somewhere, and in the dungeon the elemental gems and monsters are in clear view. The only problem I have with the touch screen controls is that the gems seem a bit too close, making it hard to see the gems around the one you’re currently in control of. Of course, it could just be my fat finger and small phone that are the real problems.
Visually, the game doesn’t really offer much outside the portraits that come with each monster. They are often colorful, creative and somewhere along the lines of adorable, ferocious or a very specific fetish that I’m sure applies to someone. In contrast, the backgrounds are mostly just pallet swaps (recoloring the same textures) of the same hallways. The special effects are just as bland and usually involve a ball of colored light that hits the opponents, followed by an uninspired effect that represents the element used in the attack.
The music unfortunately hits the same note (see what I did there), and is just as bland as most of the visuals. You are constantly subjected to the same slightly upbeat and so-often-forgettable-that-I-had-to-log-into-the-game-to-remember-it music in every dungeon. The monotony is only broken up by another, more intense song that is also played at every boss encounter. The sound effects are just as forgettable and really don’t do anything different that you haven’t seen before.
Now, a special note should be added as to why this game is so addictive. Not only does it provide solid gameplay, and a vast collection of monsters to collect, improve, and form a team around, but the game is also constantly in the midst of some sort of special event. The events serve many purposes from providing the user with fresh new dungeons to explore, the chance to collect rare monsters such as angels, demons, and batman (I’m not kidding), and also the ability to collect more of the coins, experience, and “Magic Stones” to make team building all the easier. Furthermore, these events often come and go, so it pays to log in daily to check out what is going on, what you can take advantage of, and exactly how long you can take advantage of it. In conclusion, the events give an incentive for players to log in daily.
Okay, let’s be honest here… you’d make a much better leader of this team
than me, so I’ll just stand back here and let you call the shots.
Despite the hiccups in the audio and visual department, Puzzle and Dragons is a fun and addictive game. The combination of bejeweled-like puzzles, collectable monsters, and a Shin Megami-like advancement system seemed to have meshed well into a game that is indeed playable, and worth a look.
When not writing reviews as Unnamedhero, Eduardo Luquin can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
“Sprinke me baby”
– from a girl’s dating profile
“19TEEN , 4’6 (FUNSiZE) , BiSEXUAL , LiViN LiFE NEED THAT ONE TO MAKE MY HEART lbs. I 3 SEXY FEMS. iM BLESSED iN ALL THE RiGHT PLACES? Any more questions ask !!!!?”
– from a girl’s dating profile
“I hate being single. But then being hurt and toyed with over and over again. I rather be single”
– from a girl’s dating profile
“Only god can judge me”
– from a girl’s dating profile
“My life is so boring… Everyday is the same. My boyfriend is busying working and cannot always being around me. I want to have some fun with some guys, and try some non-Asian style.”
– from a girl’s dating profile
Developer/Publisher: Sabaton Games LLP || Overall: 7.0/10
Hardware Used: iPhone 5 with iOS 6
Due to a supposed shortage of tower defense games on iOS (I’m not personally an expert on the statistics of genres of the games on the App Store), Sabaton Games thought it prudent to create the recently released Aspects TD. So, has Sabaton Games developed the experience one should expect from a tower defense game on the iOS? I suppose the answer would be yes, but at the same time, no.
Aspects TD is a little bit different from most tower defense games I’ve played. Most of my genre experience comes from the fantastic PixelJunk Monsters, as well as many StarCraft (the first one) Use Map Settings games, among other games I can’t particularly remember. The most unique thing about Aspects TD is certainly being able to essentially “combat” against an opponent. More than just defending your base with towers known as Totems, you are assaulting your enemy’s base with your OWN monsters known as “Phantoms.” Monster waves are sent to each player at the same time, from what I can tell, and you’ll have to be able to time your summoning of extra Phantoms at the right moment to throw a kink in your opponent’s tower coverage in hopes to get some of your Phantoms across the map and through to the opponent’s base.
This game-play design forces a balance. Either build more Totems to defend or summon Phantoms to attack your opponent. You automatically gain a resource called “Mana” every time one of your Totems kills an enemy Phantom. When you summon your own Phantom, you begin to gain Mana from something called “Faith.” You gain more Faith by summoning Phantoms — 10% of their cost goes into this Faith pool. Every ten seconds or so from the time you summon your first Phantom, you will begin to gain Mana equal to the number of your Faith in addition to what your Towers gain from killing monsters. This process continues until the end of the match, and your Faith number will grow as long as you summon more Phantoms.
Depending on how well you do at placing your Totems, you may be able to be more economical and send more Phantoms out against your opponent and gain resources over time. The investment can build up into something worthwhile, but depending on what kind of enemies end up being sent at you, you can definitely use that extra 1000 mana to build more Totems rather than waiting for the long-term interest on your investment. Unfortunately, the game does not reward you for being truly economical with your Mana — you don’t see the typical percentage gain of resources based on what you have pooled. This can create the issue of needing to keep your Mana at near 0 or you will run the risk of possibly being behind in either defense or attacking. If you choose to spend on attacking, your Faith will grow to almost ridiculous levels and you won’t have enough time to use it on building more Totems or attacking. But at that point, you’ll probably be able to overwhelm your enemy with a ton of Phantoms — so that isn’t a big deal, per se.
On top of the prior circumstances, due to the mishmash of enemies each wave, you can’t really construct a strategy other than hopefully having enough damage to get through each progressive wave. Phantom waves are not usually themed, such as “flying only” or “this type of enemy only” so it can be hard to plan for all contingencies at all times. Each wave increases difficulty of killing the monsters, because your Totems do not grow in strength and your enemies get more health. The tuning in this regard seems very exact and they don’t really give much leeway in exploring the use of different totems in different places. Totems cost a lot and there’s not a huge diversity, not to mention they can’t be upgraded at all. It feels like they were going for more of a Plants vs. Zombies feel more than a traditional tower defense game in some aspects, but in the end after trying a lot you can get through most of the fights just by trying to perfect your strategy as much as possible. Overall, the game tends to just be super fucking hard and you can get the feeling you are relying on luck to get past the challenges rather than actual strategy.
Your profile will have experience gain, but for what purpose, I couldn’t tell you. I can only assume that your Phantoms/Totems gain power as you “level up” but that means you have to lose several games before you gain enough power to actually beat a mission you might be having trouble with. There is no indication of actually increasing your power through these levels, since when you level, there is nothing that tells you what you’ve gained. Even if you notice that some of the numbers in your profile change, whether or not they are large enough to affect anything is left to question.
As you play the game, you’ll notice that numbers fly all over the place signifying how much damage your Totems are doing. These numbers are useless, and clutter up the screen, not to mention they are absolutely redundant since there are also health bars — which can’t be seen because they are hidden behind all the numbers! There is wayyyy too much information and it is to the detriment of the visuals of the game. The satisfying aspect should be seeing the damage you do to your enemies, not the damage numbers covering up the actual visuals. Health bars are more than enough to gauge if an enemy is going to die, and should be all that is needed.
Controls are a whole other issue with this game. For one, the squares are way too small. I don’t know how much of an issue this would be on an iPad, but since they opt for a “tap and drag” interface rather than something that is more natural for a touch screen, it can be quite cumbersome to place your tower somewhere you actually didn’t want it to go or on a square you aren’t able to build on. A more natural option would have been tapping an existing square on the board and then choosing the Totem you want to make from there. The same is true with the Phantoms — you are “tapping and flicking” them upwards when really all you should have to be forced to do is tap them. The User Interface can be cleaned up considerably if they put a little more effort into those systems.
Lag can also be an issue — when you have a ton of Totems and a ton of Phantoms going around on your opponent’s map, numbers are flying everywhere, shit is blowing up, and you are left with a game dropping down to four frames per second. This goes to the root of the issue where the words “less is more” comes to mind. It may have been a more pleasant experience to be able to place less Totems on the board in a more strategic fashion, with less enemies, and less stupid numbers flying all over the place. Not to say that you can’t have a game that is designed like Aspects TD is currently — just that there are some things you can do to prevent a clumsy game-play experience that chugs at a low frame rate when too much is happening.
The character art in the game is pretty cool — but the actual game-play art is below what you may have expected at first glance. The “Phantoms” pretty much all look like crap, but some of the Totems look very cool. The totems have this weird sci-fi shamanistic thing going on — think Avatar, I guess. There’s no real explanation as to why Totems launch missiles and shoot lasers or flames, but at least they look cool doing it. This leads into the story itself. The story is actually very interesting in the beginning and I was very hopeful for what the game would have in store. I had been putting a lot of effort into this game since it was so freaking hard, but it came to be my extreme disappointment that the story completely fell off and most of the missions became something like “Oh, I have to defend my people” and “Oh, there’s bad guys over there, but whatever I’m going to go and kill them.” The story had started with some sort of conspiracy thing and mystery as to where the evil forces were coming from. Also, I was hopeful that the technology would be explained somehow to add more layers to the story. But they never really propel that story forward by the time you’re on the 19th mission, which is the currently last mission available. Not to mention, the 19th mission also feels like it is rigged against you and unless you grind some levels, I don’t see how its possible to beat the mission at all.
According to the game, there are more missions “coming soon.” It is kind of weird, because the whole way through, you’re “unlocking” more Phantoms and Totems — even in the last available level! Like, for what purpose am I still unlocking things on the last level? Is there a time where I actually get to play the full game with all of the options available? Apparently not. At least, in this current version of the game. This isn’t a “free to play” style game in which you expand your options or buy more missions. By saying there are missions “coming soon” it is essentially saying that you are buying an incomplete game. It’s nice to have an update to look forward to, but when you’re playing a game you outright bought and you get to the end of the game and you haven’t actually started to use all of the skills you learned about during the progression, you can feel cheated. It feels almost like the game is too hard on purpose, just to elongate the amount of time you have to spend on the game to get to the last mission, with the last mission being practically unbeatable. There is also no information regarding when “soon” is or how many missions are to be expected.
There are three different characters to choose from… but you can only save the progression of two separate characters. Each of the three characters have their own perks, and special totems. But as you might expect, the story is the same for all of the characters. I am unsure why you can’t have one save slot for each character, but it’s not like it really matters that much since the game is essentially the same between them. Save slots don’t even seem very useful at all in this game, since you can go back and play any mission at any time. It only seems to serve as restricting you from switching characters on the fly and to keep your “levels” contained to only one of the characters.
Oddities arise with the game as well — you will see the occasional bad spelling error or a grammatically incorrect phrase. I think there also might be a tower that has had its description switched with another tower, but I can’t be too sure there. Considering there isn’t a whole lot to actually read in the game, it is fairly rare throughout the experience where you’ll encounter these bizarre errors. Sound is another issue with the game, which is easily solved (hint hint). The music is repetitive and the sound effects are just annoying. While I can agree that the music is nice to listen to maybe one or two times, there doesn’t appear to be any variety at all — they keep playing the same song over and over. Sound effects can be really annoying if they are not used correctly, but like many other games you may play on your iOS device, it’s better to just turn off the sound. The game has been stable, and except for the massive frame drops when there is a ton happening, there is only one consistent crashing problem. When you lose, if you press “Next” the game will just quit completely and you will have to boot up the game again to replay the level. To prevent having this happen, you have to tap “Skip” and then replay the mission. I have no idea what “Next” is supposed to do if it was actually meant to work. It’s almost like the game is saying “You suck, you shouldn’t play this game anymore, so let me quit the game for you. See ya later asshole!”
Currently the game is $1.99 for a release sale, but will go up to $2.99 once the promotional period is over. Two dollars is definitely not a lot of money, but in the case of this game it might be worth it if you’re really into seeing a different tower defense game, or if you absolutely need something like this on your iOS devices. Multiplayer is a feature in the game, but can only be played locally, so if you want to take advantage of that feature, you’ll have to convince another friend to pay their two (or three) dollars to get into the game, as well. I suppose that the multiplayer aspect might actually be “the thing you were meant to do” with this game, but considering Tower Defense is a niche genre already, you’re not going to find someone to play this with unless you make them buy it.
“No minorities please!”
– from a girl’s dating profile
Developer: Rockstar North | Publisher: Rockstar Games || Overall: 9.5/10
For me, a Grand Theft Auto game is like one of those mini-milestones in my life; I get to experience something fantastic, funny, and overall extremely entertaining. I’ve bought each of the mainline GTA games during the first week of release, and have thoroughly enjoyed each of them. I still have yet to complete any of the games on PlayStation 2, and I still need to buy Vice City Stories, but I can pretty much say that GTA is a big part of what makes gaming so enjoyable to me.
So, does Grand Theft Auto V continue to be the torchbearer that has been such a motivator for me to stick with gaming as a whole? The answer is yes, but the answer is also no, in some regards. Grand Theft Auto is a lot of things to a lot of people — a social scapegoat, a cool game to fuck around endlessly in, and most of all an offensive and satirical look at America and what it means to be an American.
Grand Theft Auto V breaks the mold of its predecessors by allowing you to play as three different characters. Each character has their own individual stories and some missions that overlap with each other. The missions culminate at certain points of the story where you will do “Heists.” Heists can essentially be looked at as the major challenge or “boss” of that point of the game. Heists themselves are very dynamic story missions that allow you to switch characters based on what sort of preference you have. At times you’ll also be forced to change characters to progress the mission. There are several occasions where a character has to drive 5 miles to a certain location, but during “their drive” you can switch to another character who is currently in the middle of another objective that is occurring. After completing the Heist, all three characters have their own missions opened up again.
Each of the three characters draw parallels to previous characters in the series, with the character Trevor, who is a drug dealing crime entrepreneur being the most unique as far as the series-as-a-whole goes. All three characters, and their motion capture/voice work actors, do an amazing job in conveying the story and making it enjoyable. First and foremost, the story of Grand Theft Auto V is a character story. There is very little strength in an overall arcing story, as it never really comes to a head, but the real joy of the story is the interactions between the characters and the way they live their lives and the things that go on around them. The main storyline revolves around the government and government corruption, but is never fully realized in its potential. My feeling is that there will be expansions, a la GTA IV’s expansions, where each character may be the sole focus to fully flesh out the remaining questions that each individual’s story sort of left open ended even as the credits rolled and after.
As a result, the story sort of just drops off at the end and you’re left with questions for each of the individual character’s stories without any real indication that they will be answered or even if the inevitable expansions are even going to focus on the main protagonists of the GTA V. A lot of the plot points of in the characters’ personal stories make you question why they bothered having them when there was no real pay off. A wait-and-see approach for the expansion plans is sort of unnerving, but if it pans out the way I hope it does then it may not be that bad.
The game play has been universally improved from GTA IV. Combat is a lot more fun and refined. The addition of the weapon wheel allows for switching guns in a more efficient manner. Many of the same features you expect in a GTA game are present, and have been refined as well. Being able to customize cars permanently is a welcome addition for the single player mode. Speaking on cars, your characters all have their own “personal vehicles” that you will undoubtedly drive more often than not. This is a vast change from previous games where you would always just steal a car to get around the city. Now that you have your “own” personal vehicle you can always rely on using that car. I actually preferred to use the personal cars to give the feeling of consistency for the story. The cars are also unique, so you can tell when another character is driving it or is parked somewhere waiting for you to start a mission.
During a lot of the missions there are opportunities to catch references to action movies in a way that is an homage to Hollywood and Los Angeles. There are plenty of hilarious scenes and subtleties that make this Grand Theft Auto leagues ahead of any before it, while still harkening back to them. Most notably is GTA: San Andreas, as you encounter gangs that existed in that game as well as visiting CJ’s home neighborhood — you will instantly recognize it and there is even a mission where you will have a shootout through the whole neighborhood. You will also be able to walk into a lot of different buildings during your missions — one such being the LifeInvader offices where there are a lot of Facebook-related jokes and scenes to be had.
Missions are split out into separate categories — “Missions” and “Strangers and Freaks.” During the series there has always been those “off-storyline” missions that came around that didn’t have much to do with anything. In Grand Theft Auto IV, they added “strangers” that you could meet on the street and talk to them for a little while or even do a mission for them. The Strangers and Freaks missions in Grand Theft Auto V allowed Rockstar to combine both of those aspects and let themselves go really crazy with designing missions. Shooting aliens after smoking weed, kidnapping a movie star for two old British tourists, and skydiving out of a helicopter into the city are only some of the things that you can do in tandem with the main storyline. Another welcomed feature is the ability to replay all of the missions you find and refine your score on them so you can earn trophies.
With Grand Theft Auto V, you can tell that even though the game is goofy at times, they have made it a point to make the game act much more “realistic.” The way people walk and run, physics that are toned down, and the serious storyline are all honed in on this goal of becoming a “realistic” game. A major casualty of this appears to be the loss of many of the more “traditional game” elements that we have seen in the Grand Theft Auto series, namely Vigilante, Ambulance, and Firetruck side missions. Vigilante has been seemingly replaced with “random events” that you will stumble upon as you are driving through the city. During these random events, people will get their property stolen or police will be in a shootout with the criminals and you can either step in or let them go. While they are nice as an addition, I think I would have gotten at least a couple of more hours of enjoyment from being able to hunt down a list of bounties or have the game generate a group of criminals for me to take down, like in GTA IV. It is unfortunate because GTA V’s combat system is A LOT OF FUN, and I wish I could just have more combat outside of missions. Being able to access the internet on your phone is also very convenient, but it seems like there are a lot less web sites to find this time around. Watching TV is also not as convenient because there is no “full screen” mode and the volume never seems to be able to be turned up loud enough where I can comfortably hear what is going on.
The graphics in the game are very impressive. Really awe-inspiring, however, is how big the game’s map is and how accurate it is to Los Angeles and the surrounding area in California recreated as Los Santos, Sandy Shores, and Blaine County. Being from the LA area, I felt right “at home,” and the lighting in the game makes it that much more authentic. The wilderness and desert areas are much more fleshed out compared to how they looked like in GTA: San Andreas. You can even hunt in the wilderness. While GTA V is a “revisiting” of San Andreas, the lack of San Fierro and Las Venturas can sort of irk you if you are a stickler for the “lore” of Grand Theft Auto. As a result of having the game be more focused on Los Santos itself, we got a much more detailed and expansive city. The radio stations are also pretty good and varied. There are some great tracks, but since nothing can ever live up to GTA: Vice City, we’ll just have to say it’s about as good as it can be.
A part of the experience to note is that ever since the Hot Coffee controversy became a big deal with GTA: San Andreas, Rockstar started becoming more and more daring with what actual sex content they choose to depict. While GTA IV poked fun at themselves by saying “hey wanna have some HOT COFFEE” and then had a lot of groaning noises saying how good the coffee is, in GTA V they literally have people having sex in plain view as part of missions — not something that is really optional like dating. And I don’t think anyone even gave a fuck (pun!) about it this time around! I was laughing my ass off when I saw one of the “movie stars” getting pounded doggie style as you take pictures of her, which resulted in her chasing after you in her convertible trying to kill you. GTA V can just be a lot of fun. You can also call random characters up to “hang out” with them and play mini-games, but as opposed to GTA IV, you aren’t forced to maintain any relationships and as a result there doesn’t seem to be any benefits from them now.
Playing the game for about 50 hours, I can say that GTA V is the best game of the series. Growing and changing as a gamer since playing GTA III, I find myself less and less inclined to just “fuck around” for an endless amount of time. I just got through the missions, played a couple of the repeatable side missions, and called it. Ostensibly, it was worth my $60 regardless, but the point of mentioning it is that sandbox games have become a more focused experience and can be less about “go do anything you want” and more about “here’s the things we want you to do, go do it the way you want to do it.” This is the way gaming has evolved and I do enjoy a more focused experience for sandbox games since they can get very distracting at times. Not to say that you CAN’T just go do anything you want to do for hours on end, but it pushes you towards what it wants you to do much more than other GTA games.
GTA V also comes with GTA: Online, which is basically just a fleshed out version of the multiplayer from GTA IV. GTA: Online is structured more like a free-to-play MMO game with progression of your character, and also gets back to the more “gamey” aspects of the Grand Theft Auto series than the single player experience offers. There’s definitely more people playing it than GTA IV’s online mode, but since GTA: Online is almost its own game entirely, I will just review it later if I get around to it. It is constantly changing as well since they will be adding patches and re-balancing as time goes on.
GTA V is good, and I hope to see more for the game soon.
Killumbus was in his castle, counting his stacks of money. Scholars have asked each other, “what do you know about Killumbus?” and their answers have always been “not much.”
What they do know, is unconfirmed at best.
What they do know is the following:
Killumbus was once an explorer of nations. He took his fleet of ships through the seas and found new people to kill. He kept a room of massacred bones from magical peoples, living in self-imposed exile. As his name might imply, he couldn’t stop killing. Everyone.
Killumbus’ weapon of choice was the fan of knives. He would throw knives up to 250 yards with deadly (that’s a pun) accuracy. Once when he had visited the Exiled Land of Juziviel, Killumbus had already stuck a knife in 40% of the island’s population from the assaulting rowboats. The massacre took only three days, and once the dead bodies had been deboned, they put them on the barges and shipped them to the next target on their map.
Killumbus’ Magical Map was a map that allowed them to find magical and mystical places that were hidden from the normal explorers of the world who did not want to kill everyone they saw. Killumbus’ greatest conquest came in the form of the country of Debrine.
Debrine was a fantastical country full of prosperity and equality. The culture of Debrine had evolved over centuries to become one of valuing your community and promoting self-worth. As a result, Debrine’s streets were always clean and there was never any traffic. Yes, life was good in Debrine, until its streets were full of blood.
Killumbus rode in on the coattails of the night, when many of the guard towers of Debrine had begun their transitional period of turning the lights on. But since they didn’t have timers in their lighthouses, they always had to judge whether it was a good time to turn on the lights once the sun had begun to lose its light. Killumbus and his elite squad of bad asses rowed in right underneath their noses, climbed up the infiltrated guard tower and chewed up the guard beyond recognition.
The country of Debrine was as big as a large metropolitan city, and to eliminate a city full of hundreds of thousands of people was going to take a long time. Killumbus established the Guard Tower as his base of operations and renamed the beach into Killumbus’ Landing. The Guard Tower was also expanded into a proper castle, in which Killumbus now resides.
The government officials of Debrine did not understand how an outsider was able to find their land, considering a magical sorcerer had enchanted their land with a hiding spell. When one of the ambassadors came to open negotiations with the hostile force, he had met Killumbus in his base of operations – well before the castle had been created.
Not much has been publically released to Debrine as to what had transpired. But this is what happened:
Needless to say, Killumbus was one sadistic a-hole.
While the government of Debrine deliberated what they should do to repel the intruders, Killumbus and his crew fortified their position and eventually he built his castle.
Why was Killumbus such a sadistic bad ass? Well, let’s start at the beginning.
It was recess in Kindergarten at Joy Flower Elementary school in Las Vegas, Nevada. Killumbus’ original name was Christopher Kohlrhombus and he liked to watch cartoons. His mother was a businessman and his dad was a female stripper. Before you ask why you are so confused about the way the genders are referenced, maybe you should ask yourself why you are so gender-biased and re-evaluate the way you live your life.
One day at Kindergarten class, Mrs. Gallagher played the piano, signaling that it was time to stop having fun and start being real. On their way in, Christopher and his friend Christopher put away their imaginary swords after re-enacting an episode of their favorite TV show Pensacoli Wily Weasel Fighters. They always had fun running around fighting each other and they were good friends. Poor Christopher Kohlrhombus never saw this friend again after that day, because when they graduated from Kindergarten they went to different first grade classes that never interacted with each other. Christopher had built this relationship over the course of a year only to have it thrown away by society’s bureaucracy. He might not have cared as much if some loser from 2nd grade said that going into 1st grade wasn’t that scary because he still got to hang out with all of his same friends from Kindergarten. Why did he have to lie? Instead of having the same friends he had NO friends because he didn’t see the same people he used to go to school with. It’s not like his mother let him go anywhere during the weekdays, so the friends he did have stopped wanting to hang out with him.
Anyway, Christopher was in the backyard of his apartment building, digging at the ground because he had nothing else better to do. He lived in an apartment complex and for some awful reason they planted two ugly trees behind the building. A wizard by the name of Magister Buy1Get1Free was growing senile and had decided that very week to hide his map full of magical secrets between these two ugly trees because he thought the map would grow a more beautiful tree. Don’t ask me why he thought that, he is senile for a reason.
Christopher spent all day digging, since he had no hobbies at the time, and found the map. At first the little boy thought he had found a treasure map! But really what it was is a map to a map. And it was also a map to all the coin-operated laundromats in the city.
Not five minutes after having found the map, the asshole boy Fookfase The Asshole Kid started throwing ice cubes at Christopher!! He pelted him pretty good this time because he caught Christopher off guard. Christopher had to run home with ice scratches forming on his arms and legs.
Christopher, with map in hand, ran to get his baseball glove to run back outside to catch the ice cubes being thrown at him and throw them back. But his mom asked him what he was doing.
“I’m going to go catch ice cubes and throw them back at that guy throwing them at me.”
“Oh no, you’re not. That’s too dangerous and I don’t want you getting into trouble. That’s why I took you out of tee-ball, I don’t want you getting hit by baseballs or ice cubes, for that matter!”
So, bored and shamed Christopher was confined to his room for the rest of the day playing video games and rubbing his scratches instead of taking revenge on the bully he had seen only once before. Christopher looked at his map – it showed the path to a secret room in the apartment complex that may have been interesting.
Under the guise of night (at 7 pm), after his parents had gone to sleep, Christopher left with his map and started walking through the apartment complex. He approximated the directions of the map and he came to a room which he had only seen once or twice before. In reality, it was the senile wizard, Magister Buy1Get1Free’s apartment. He pays 350 dollars a month on average for the room because half the time he’s able to make it disappear and make everyone forget about it, but since he’s getting older he forgets to hide his apartment from people’s minds on rent day.
Christopher touched the doorknob with his hand at which point the door disintegrated into magical dust and a dark room appeared before him. There, on a couch sitting and staring into the dark room in front of him was Magister Buy1Get1Free. His apartment was strangely decorated – there was two of everything; two TVs, two couches, two lamps, two dining room tables, and two microwaves among other things.
“So, you’ve found my map, have you?”
“Y-y-y-yes, sir.” The young boy replied.
“That map you have holds special power, my young friend… it allows you to see what is not there.”
Christopher looked with amazement at what he held in his hands. The treasure was not what was ON the map, the treasure WAS the map!
“Let me tell you, young friend. I am getting old. I am not as sensible as I once was. My years of extreme couponing and buying one item to get one free have taken its toll on me. And my sanity. Too much free stuff goes against free enterprise and the economic system we have in place, and as a result I have grown senile with guilt of taking advantage of those multi-million dollar corporations.” Magister Buy1Get1Free rambled on.
Christopher didn’t understand anything the guy was talking about. He was like 6 years old.
“I can grant you a power to destroy those whom you call your adversaries. With that map in hand, you will have the power to end all of those bullies and assholes *I* encountered during my journeys. I will use you to exact my vengeance…!”
With that statement, Magister Buy1Get1Free got off of his plastic-protected couch and waved his arm around. Two staves flew into his hands and he waved them around.
“Young boy whom I do not know the name of…!! You will now be a bloodthirsty maniac of the high seas and destroy the most sacred secrets this world has to offer, one by one!”
Christopher floated in the air and he began to shout as his thoughts became pure bloodlust. Senile magic created a monster that would one day kill millions of magical peoples and destroy their civilizations. He had created Killumbus.
Killumbus was given his magical Buy1Get1Free Fan of Knives set that allowed him to spawn two knives for every one thrown. Hundreds of knives were at his disposal, and each were recoverable by encanting his retrieval spell. Killumbus was one of the forefront killing machines ever created.
To set sail on his journey, he would need to acquire a crew of the most sadistic homicidal maniacs ever known. Fookfase The Asshole Kid, with his special ice cube throwing skills, was immediately abducted and magically (literally) convinced to accompany Killumbus. Other punk kids from the neighborhood, like Mark the Indian Burner, Carlo the Shark Biter, Stephen the Pincher, and Joy Love the Biker Bitch made up the core of Killumbus’ crew. Their normal identities were erased from memory and Magister Buy1Get1Free conjured up ships for each of his core crew to command. The Magister hid in the deep bowels of Killumbus’ Rhombus Destroyer. The other ships were named The Friction Conviction, The Big Biter, The Ouchy Pincher, and Hell’s Envoy. For the next 15 years, these ships had tracked down and destroyed one civilization after another and ended up on the shore of Debrine in the year 2012.
The Debrine campaign has just begun.
To be continued…?