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Local Exchange: An Eruption of Stupidity

July 29th, 2012 Posted in Fairy Tales, Stories | 1 Comment »

Based off the following post:

http://squackle.com/22567/screwed-up-chronicles/daves-kingdom/scam-call-from-local-exchange/

Harry Brown and Mildred Jacklesmith once had a great idea.

“Why don’t we scam people?” Harry Brown said.

Mildred, obviously in agreement, shouted at the top of her lungs.  “YESSSS!!!!!”

And so a company was born.  It was named Local Exchange and it was in San Dimas, California.  Or maybe it was in Villaverde.  Is that even a city?  To tell you the truth no one really knows what city it actually is in.  Not that it matters because absolutely all of their business would be conducted over the phone.

Local Exchange invested in a phone number that provided unlimited calling and texting.  Obviously, to scam people you need to call them unlimitedly and text them non-stop.  Otherwise, the whole scam thing doesn’t really seem very scammish!

The first order of business was to create the scam.  The scam of all scams.  A scam that everyone would believe but only the smart people would question and only the smart people would see it was a scam.  People who were smarter than them, even.  But that’s not the target market, now, is it?

The scam had been planned out in a matter of days.  First, they would call a random number and ask to speak to the “owner of the phone” to make it sound official.  Once they had the owner of the phone, they would tell them about the grand prize they had won and how everyone knows them locally but to get notoriety in different parts of the country, they were expanding their random 6-day cruise prize to different areas of California.

Once the person had given them their credit card information and social security number, they would hang up and begin to apply for credit cards and home loans with their information and take out cash advances.  And then they would invest that money into online payment systems.

Yes, life was grand in the most successful scamming company of all time.  Local Exchange posted huge profits and Harry and Mildred bought huge mansions once owned by drug dealers who fell victim to the scams.  Poor drug dealers lost their drug dens, but they weren’t the only victims to the grandest scam of all time.

I will now tell you about a lady who was down on her luck.  She thought she was the luckiest person in the world and won a free 6-day cruise to New York from California.  Oh, what a joyous occasion it was.  And all she had to give them was her name, address, social security number, and driver’s license number.  Overnight, this wonderful, nice lady had transformed into a blathering hobo asking for change at bus stop benches.  The day before she had been a worker at McDonald’s but when it came about that another Emelia Prancasa applied for a job at Burger King across the street with the same information as “Our” Emelia, that’s when McDonald’s fired her.  They couldn’t have a worker working at two fast food restaurants at the same time.  That would be espionage in the making!

Poor Emelia.  She can no longer work at any fast food restaurant because she became the most notorious fast food restaurant quadruple agent ever to be known.  Too bad she wasn’t hot cause she was quite ugly and not very attractive to boot.  Sometimes ugly people can be attractive, but sometimes they are just stupid.  Like Emelia.  Because she thought she won a 6-day cruise when in fact she won nothing and lost it all.

The end.

Moral:  Don’t give away your private information to random people who call you on the phone telling you you won a 6-day cruise.

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Scam Call From Local Exchange

July 29th, 2012 Posted in Dave's Kingdom | 1 Comment »

I had some scammer call a number at work during the beginning of May saying how I had won some cruise or whatever and they want to give me tickets to fly anywhere in the US.

I kept asking “What?” and “Who is this?” and they kept repeating.  The lady had a terribly Mexican accent, so it was half-truth that I could barely understand her over the speakerphone.

All together, I made her wait around on the phone for like 10 mintues before I put her on mute and came back, pretending to be the “owner” of the phone.

As soon as I turned the phone off mute, I asked for their Full Company name, full name of the person calling, the city they are from, their web site, etc without giving any information at all on my end.

What I gathered, they are named:

“Local Exchange”  (pretty generic name, don’t you say?) and they are from San Dimas or Villaverde and “of course” they are from California.

I asked for their web site and she was very hesitant to give me anything and when I asked her again like 3 times, she said, “Of course we have a web site” and then hung up on me.

So, if you get a call from 909-575-1068, then you will know that it is a scam.  They have yet to call the number back, from what I know.  So that’s that.

As a result of this call, I wrote the following story for your enjoyment:

http://squackle.com/22568/stories/local-exchange-an-eruption-of-stupidity/

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The Secrecy of Knowing Nothing: The Destruction of Cal State Emptierton

July 27th, 2012 Posted in Fairy Tales, Stories | No Comments »

There once was a man who knew literally nothing.  He would go to work, sit in his chair, stare at the wall for 8 hours, and then go back home and stare at the wall for another 16 hours.  He didn’t sleep because he can’t dream because he has nothing to dream about because he knows nothing, like I said earlier.

He was literally paid to stare at a wall and make sure it did not fall down.  There wasn’t even any paint to watch peel off or dry because it was literally just a wall.  This man, named Gabriel Nosenovich, was good at his job, as dumb as it may seem to you.  He did do other things, though.  He had a desk, with a phone, and a pad of paper.

He would receive work orders from other parts of the campus and write down what was requested to be done at the school.  This school, known as Cal State Emptierton , employed a large workforce of idiotic manual labor workers who created a huge bureaucracy for the purpose of inflating payroll.  When a light bulb or something like that blew up, they would call Gabriel and tell him that it was broken.  Gabriel would then write it on a piece of paper and then give said paper to another person who would evaluate the cost of said project which would then go to another team to go investigate and see if the prior estimate was valid.  Then this new estimate would be re-evaluated by another department which would then be reviewed by the initial estimate and the process would repeat itself until a number that everyone decided on was agreed to.  Considering it took forever and a half to get a light bulb fixed, what would come next would be surprising on more than one level.

One day, he got a call from a disgruntled bookstore manager.  The Emptierton College Bookstore just fired one of their book managers and he thought he might play a trick.  He requested a work order to demolish the bookstore.

Gabriel, obviously knowing nothing about anything, wrote the work order request as normal and handed it over to the next department.  Obviously no one in the Construction Ward had been notified that the bookstore manager had been fired, so no one questioned the intent.  After the whole bureaucracy of deciding how much it would cost to demolish the bookstore, it soon happened.

There was outrage from all corners of the campus.

“How could you have demolished the bookstore?” the President of the college, President Tasyst had asked.

“There was a work order.  You can’t question a work order,” the head of the Construction Ward, William Vable stood firm in the policies created by the Construction Ward of Cal State Emptierton.

The next day, another three requests came in to destroy other buildings on the campus, and soon there were no buildings left on the campus other than the Construction Ward.

Finally, one last call was given and someone had put a work order in to destroy the Construction Ward itself.

It took no less than a day to destroy the Construction Ward, and there wasn’t even much deliberation over whether or not they should do it.  There was a work order, after all.

Moral:  Don’t hire maintenance people who are idiots.

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Quote #22564

July 23rd, 2012 Posted in Quotes | 1 Comment »

You should message me if:

“You aren’t a creeper. Can type a proper sentence. You can be interesting and not just say ‘hey’. Have a job, car, and preferably your own place too.”

– a girl’s dating profile

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Squacklecast Episode 12 – “It’s Not a Car. It’s a Squacklecast.”

July 23rd, 2012 Posted in The Squacklecast | No Comments »

BE ADVISED:  THERE ARE DARK KNIGHT RISES SPOILERS IN THIS PODCAST!  DO NOT PLAY IT IF YOU CARE TO WATCH THE MOVIE

This week we talk about Dark Knight Rises!

IT’S NOT A CAR!!!!

Dark Knight Rises took a couple of queue’s from the 1960’s Batman for the main “threat” apparently…

Bane’s computer of choice is the flipscreen netbook.  Not really that impressive or futuristic…

Flip Netbook

Dark Knight Rises… wait a minute, I’ve seen this movie before… its just Rocky III!

Why didn’t the ships in Star Trek just launch warp cores as weapons instead of puny photon torpedoes?

That was the best video I could find of Star Trek explosions.

That’s all for this week, folks!  If you’d like to be on next week’s podcast, let us know!

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Lovely Text Message #22560: ZeeHu -> davepoobond

July 20th, 2012 Posted in Stupid IMs | No Comments »

It should be noted there was a long period of no communication between myself and ZeeHu before this text message appeared:

ZeeHu: Hey! How r u!?! Question…u know how to hack an acct? =D lol

davepoobond: ummm no I don’t.  Kind of a weird question =p. I’m doing ok otherwise how about you

ZeeHu: Lol ur the internet person I know so I thought I would ask lol thanks :) I’m good too…and no I wasn’t trying to hack urs ;)

davepoobond: Haha ok then

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The Love Pentagram

July 19th, 2012 Posted in Fairy Tales, Stories | No Comments »

There once were five roommates who lived together.  They all were each other’s boyfriends and girlfriends, but with a twist.  They loved two people, but one of the two people they loved did not love them.  Hence, “The Love Pentagram” was formed.

That was until they all blew up!  Someone stole 42 dollars from the community jar for grocery shopping and someone didn’t like that, we don’t know who, but they turned on the stove and then lit a match and it went kablooey.

When all the dust settled, the remains of the five roommates were arranged in a pentagram floating above the rubble.  The firefighters and police officers were astounded at the floating dead bodies and the weird laser beams pointing connecting to each other.

The firefighters blasted the five floating bodies with water, but nothing happened.  The police officers blasted the bodies with bullets, and then tasers, and then rubber band balls, and then doughnuts.  Water, metal, electricity, rubber, and even sugar didn’t break the demonic magic that held the five bodies in place.

Four days and three nights passed, as bureaucratic excuses and decisions were given to the cityfolk as to the new disturbance that was causing traffic on all the edges of the city of Bookhaven.  This was worse than the time they were fixing the sewers.  Everything was backed up then, even toilets!

That was when they called in the heavy artillery.  Rhyluf Gufgilo, Civil Engineer Extraordinaire, was called in to alleviate the situation and make everything flow smoothly again as the oddly transfixed demonic Love Pentagram showed no signs of change after four days.  Over the next 37 days, a large apparatus was installed underneath the city to rotate the city in such a way that no one would have to drive to get to where they wanted to go!  Everyone on the east side of town would get to the western side without very much effort at all!  All it took was a button press at one’s behest and they would make the city rotate.

It was only after the apparatus was installed that people realized this did very little to solve the problem.  Everyone who wanted to go east now had to go west, and the people who needed to go west had to go east, and the people who had to go north had to go south, and the people who wanted to go south had to go north!  It was all very confusing, and it made things even more confusing, like this sentence.  Sometimes people who wanted to go west, had to go north!  Sometimes people who wanted to go north, had to go north!  It’s ridiculous!!!

The Love Pentagram began to change as a result of the constant rotating that had been going on.  The Love Pentagram began to constantly rotate back and forth and then began to spin rapidly in an oscillating motion, like a washing machine.  The citizens of Bookhaven became concerned and a large group began to gather around as people had begun to abandon their cars and started to walk wherever they needed to go in town.

Without warning, in the middle of the day, 5 days after the rotating apparatus was installed underneath the city, it began to collapse into the center of the Love Pentagram!  More than just collapsing, though – it seemed like it was flushing down a toilet into the hole and all of Bookhaven was being sucked into the center of the hole.  People were screaming as they tried to run away from the power of the Love Pentagram.  No one could escape it when they saw it happening, and no one knew what would happen when they fell into it.

In less than three hours, the city of Bookhaven had been eradicated, leaving only the Love Pentagram left.  The Ruins of Bookhaven, as the area is now called, had only a sewer system to show for it and it all lead into the center.

Where did all of Bookhaven go, you may ask?  A new subterranean city was established underneath Bookhaven, called Bookhell.  All of the trapped citizens of Bookhaven and their buildings, houses, and cars were there, forever.

Moral: Don’t shit where you sleep.

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Joke #22558

July 19th, 2012 Posted in (C) Offensive Jokes, (C) Sick Jokes, (F) Quicky Jokes, Jokes | No Comments »

Q: What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

A: Putting her back in her wheelchair

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Joke #22557

July 19th, 2012 Posted in (F) Quicky Jokes, Jokes | No Comments »

Q: What did the scientist say when he discovered antimatter?

A: “It don’t matter.”

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Quote #22555

July 12th, 2012 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

About Me:

“I’M OPEN TO ANYTHING EXCEPT COUNTRY.I LIKE GUYS WHEN THEY ARE FORWARD.I WANT SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO DO SOMETHING WITH THERE LIFE.i ENJOY DOING ANYTHING OUTDOORS. I DONT DO NEGATIVE PEOPLE. GUY HAS TO BE ADVENTUROUS.”

– from a girl’s dating profile

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The American World

July 9th, 2012 Posted in Pictures | No Comments »

The American World

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Planut Powar

July 9th, 2012 Posted in Pictures | No Comments »

Planut Powar

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Emo Wall is Sad

July 9th, 2012 Posted in Pictures | No Comments »

Emo Wall

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Dis Gon B Gud

July 9th, 2012 Posted in Pictures | No Comments »

Dis Gon B Gud

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You Has Been Healed…

July 5th, 2012 Posted in Pictures | No Comments »

You Have Been Healed...

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