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tucuv

March 1st, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

tucuv – v. to smash someone in the head with a bowl of cereal

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etip

March 1st, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

etip – v. to ride a bicycle up and down your street while you have an insurance claim

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oavazadowe

March 1st, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

oavazadowe – n. cereal that has French Vanilla creamer instead of milk

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guisapano

March 1st, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

guisapano – v. to pee in your cereal full of milk and then eat it

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The Truth About Recycling

February 28th, 2013 Posted in Screwed Up Chronicles, World | No Comments »

Recycling is not all it’s cracked up to be.  It isn’t going to save our planet by itself, but it does accomplish one thing for sure: it becomes a social burden on society.

We’ve all seen people digging through trash and random dumpsters for cans and bottles.  Those five cents that we couldn’t care less for (it IS why it is in the trash can to begin with) are the major source of income for these types of people.  In and of itself, it isn’t necessarily something that is bad or you have to feel bad about — these people somehow make their way in life by doing what they’re doing.

What recycling does, when taking this into account is create a class of these people who do nothing with their time but scavenge and dig through trash, with little to no assurance that they will make even a dime.  Imagine having to wake up in the morning everyday and go on the same route, checking the same trash cans, day in and day out.  Not only because its necessary, but they have no time to do anything to get out of the situation they are in — otherwise they wouldn’t have to do what they’re doing.

States that charge recycling fees profit big time from recyclables.  They use the noble cause of recycling to charge you an extra tax, a majority of which will never be recovered from recycling.  People then scam the State out of these extra taxes by filling up cans and bottles with sand or something to get higher weights when redeeming their recyclables.  Then the people who receive these items then scam the State even more and bump up their numbers of received recyclables for a bulk rate.  Then these recyclables are sold to major vendors who ship most of their stuff to China to be processed so that it can be re-sold back to us.  Don’t even worry about how most of our recyclables that we toss into the bins is basically “free” money for the waste contractors who employ hundreds of penguins to go through and get all of the recyclables they can.

But this is all very grand and elaborate.  You have to go back to the people who scour the world for recyclables because they have no other forms of income.  It is sad, and if recycling were abolished, then that would force people to not want to carry around 50 pound trash bags full of cans or shopping carts full of bottles.  Recycling may be good for the Earth, but its bad for society.

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elmoedecer

February 28th, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

elmoedecer – v. to wash a bar of soap with another kind of soap

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Infinity Blade (iOS) Review

February 27th, 2013 Posted in Game Reviews, Games | No Comments »

Developer: Chair Entertainment Group | Publisher: Epic Games || Overall: 5.0/10

Hardware Used: iPhone 5 with iOS 6

Infinity Blade is a game in which you must vanquish a bum in his castle.

How does a bum get a castle? Hell if I know. But this guy who owns his five-room castle full of his sex-slave gimp-dressed “Champions” stand around and jerk it all day waiting for the next adventurous idiot (20 years apart from each) to go through the castle and kill them.

Infinity Blade is everything that is wrong with traditional gaming trying to make its way on mobile platforms. It’s an on-rails dungeon crawler with some point-and-click (or is it point-and-touch, now?) elements to it. It takes the feeling of freedom away from the player since you aren’t necessarily able to explore wherever you like and can only progress in a few paths that all ultimately end up in the same place. As opposed to a traditional console game where you’re able to move by yourself with ease, the designers decided it was best to not allow you to have the frustration of moving in 3D with only a touch screen and completely removed the ability to freely control your character. During battles, all you do is swipe your finger to hit the enemy with a sword, block, dodge, or use your overpowered specials (a stun and various magic spells) that can help you win a battle. Battles break up your combos whether you like it or not by inserting a five second cutscene at every third of the enemy’s health. The camera angle is also changed so that you become disoriented to limit your ability in fucking up the enemy again right off the bat.

The touch screen is no replacement for buttons, and this game makes it all too apparent that buttons are an evolution of necessity – it is easy to know when you push something it will react. However, when you swipe your hand across the screen or push a touch-screen-button the reliability of the action that you actually want to happen is around 85% rather than 99%. My biggest problem with the game is that the touch screen “buttons” in the game are not reactive to my lifeless hands. For some reason I always have trouble conducting enough electricity or heat or jazz in my hands to make something work on my touch screen. Don’t ask me why, it just happens. No matter how many times I smack my finger down on the touch screen to dodge, if it isn’t going to work, it isn’t going to work. The other annoying thing about Infinity Blade is instead of pushing a button and an analog stick to swipe; you have to move your whole hand, wrist, and arm to do one swipe. Essentially, you are playing Fruit Ninja on steroids, and I really wish there were buttons for this game because I’m going to get tendonitis in my shoulder if all games end up being like this.

But I suppose that buttons would make this game too easy as is. You can tell that the difficulty is adjusted to allow for reaction times in swiping. However, once you memorize the animations of each of your enemies (there are probably about 5 unique models in total, with different skins), you will breeze through most of the encounters. You can also use a healing spell, depending on which item you have equipped, which will basically help you cheat. Items are also an important part of the game, as when you master one of the hundreds of weapons and armor in the game, you gain a stat point to allocate. This aspect forces you to progress and not use the same items forever so that you can master more items and gain more stats, in addition to the stats you gain each level.

On the other side of Infinity Blade, you have a game that aspires to be something greater than it is. “Amazing” graphics, notwithstanding, you’ve got a unique experience with Infinity Blade that isn’t replicated very often in mobile gaming right now. I would align the graphics in the game to early-PlayStation 3 quality, but since the image is shrunk down to a 5 inch screen, that would be a bit too much credit. It’s probably more like late-PlayStation 2 graphics shrunk down with cooler lighting. However, the game will make you say “hey this looks pretty cool” …and then you get used to the graphics and it kind of doesn’t matter anymore. Except when you notice that the battery on your phone drains faster while playing than your phone can charge if you have the foresight to have it plugged in while playing.

So, now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about what makes the game even worse. Once I figured out the point of the game, I actually got sad. The overall, repeating, arc of the game is that you go in as this nameless adventurer guy, fight through battles until you get to the bum who is ridiculously powerful and kills you almost assuredly on your first encounter. Once you die, you see your adventurer’s son appear on the same ledge overlooking the castle that his father did 20 to 23 years earlier. Each tour through the castle and meeting your fateful demise is considered a “Bloodline.”

What this game tells you about the story is basically nothing. What it implies, though, is that there is society outside of the reach of the bum who owns a shitty castle. This society breeds new adventurers so that one day, a hundred or so years in the future, the bum will be killed. So, since these adventurers are somehow forced to father a son before leaving on their journey, he must be banging all of the women in the society to make sure that there is one son before he leaves, so that in twenty or so years, that fatherless child can go and die the same death his father did.

Thinking further about this “society,” you have to wonder about its structure. Is it matriarchal or patriarchal? My personal thought is that the women in this society are propagating this attitude of sending the son of this same Bloodline over and over to their death because they’re mad the bum bought up all the tampons at the general store for his Champions.

These women have deemed this particular Bloodline the only one that can go and fight the bum known as a “Deathless.” The Deathless guy sits on his chair eating chips and his Champions stand in the middle of rooms for twenty years at a time. He only ever gets out of his comfy throne to fight an adventurer who is idiotic enough to go and die by his blade. Pretty weird, if you ask me. Nothing is demonstrated as to the terrorizing the Deathless dude actually does to anyone else in the world, so I have to fill in the blanks. He just sits on his throne and watches Law & Order all the time. Leave the guy alone!

If this society’s only purpose is to destroy this Deathless guy, why hasn’t the Deathless guy got off his ass in the hundreds of years before and after you start playing the game and just fucking kill them? Who the fuck knows. He’s probably a lazy bum, that’s why I keep calling him that. I mean, he doesn’t even improve his living situation. There are literally no cool features of his castle — he doesn’t have a bowling alley, or a game room, or even a bathroom. What the hell are you paying your Champions for? Train them to be plumbers and masons instead of just how to use weapons only once every twenty years. They’ve got to be depressed being sanctioned to only a certain part of the castle and never being able to do anything fulfilling. Can’t he find a better castle? One where these stupid adventurer guys won’t bug him?

Once you are able to fight the Deathless guy and beat him to about a third of his health, he will proposition you to either join him or you can pick up your sword again and fight him to the death. If you join him, you just fight him again, so the game doesn’t really “let you” join him. If you end up actually killing the guy, the Deathless dude will say something inane about “other dangers” in the world being even worse than him. And as if that wasn’t a cop out enough, the adventurer dude is now alone in this stupid castle and has nothing better to do than snoop around. So he presses some weird console on his throne and all of a sudden a 3D Holographic map appears and some weird sci-fi music and other random weird shit happens. I have no idea what the fuck is going on in this game. What the fuck is the point of all of this? All you do is grind XP, master your weapons, gain stats, and swipe your sword over and over at the same five enemies, and then they throw in this mind-fuck for no good reason.

If ChAIR even bothered to put some sort of inkling of a story in this travesty of a game I wouldn’t feel like I was put out to pasture. What the hell is the point of half-assing this story and throwing in some random sci-fi shit that doesn’t belong just to give us a mind-blowing moment or whatever? Just so that they can get us pissing our pants in excitement for the next Infinity Blade game? Get out of here with that shit. The only reason I even downloaded this game to begin with was because it was free. If I paid 9 dollars or whatever it is for this game I would be fucking pissed off right now.

As if endlessly grinding XP and Gold wasn’t enough, they make the prices of this shit so astronomical they “allow” you to buy Gold in the game. 2.5 million Gold-things for 50 bucks or whatever? Doing more research about what you do in the game after you kill the level 50 God King Deathless bum, you are able to purchase the Infinity Blade for 500,000 gold. Using this blade, you can open three or four extra bosses who have levels in the hundreds. So, that’s one reason to keep grinding the game after you’ve “beaten” it.

Yeah, that sounds great. What a load of bullshit. This game sucks. I’m uninstalling it. Eventually.

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Do you have a fucking problem?

February 26th, 2013 Posted in The Squackle Quiz | No Comments »

Do you have a fucking problem?

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Hate Mail #22844

February 23rd, 2013 Posted in Fan Mail/Hate Mail, Hate Mail | No Comments »

Submitted through Quicky Joke submission form.

This form was submitted:  Jun 05 2005 / 00:08:12

name = THIS WEBSITE SUCKS!
email = heydontemailme@aol,com
use_email = no
qjoke = THIS website IS A DISCRASE AND U GUYS SHOULD NOT BE DOING THIS SHIT..U GUYS R ASSWHGOELS GET A FRICKING LIFE AND STOP MAKEING THESE JOKES

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Bad Submission #22843

February 23rd, 2013 Posted in Bad Submissions | No Comments »

Submitted through the Quicky Joke submission form.

This form was submitted:  May 24 2005 / 11:12:09

name = puerto rico
email =
use_email = no
qjoke = fuck all white people

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Bad Submission #22842

February 23rd, 2013 Posted in Bad Submissions | No Comments »

Submitted through the Quicky Joke submission form.

This form was submitted:  May 06 2005 / 07:28:14

name = Jesus
email = Not sure
use_email = no
qjoke = HAIL SATAN

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Hate Mail #22841

February 23rd, 2013 Posted in Fan Mail/Hate Mail, Hate Mail | No Comments »

Submitted through the Quicky Joke submission form.

This form was submitted:  Apr 27 2005 / 06:56:43

name = fuck u
email = fiohdcxfpio@hotmail.ocm
use_email = yes
qjoke = fuck all u pussies

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Hate Mail #22840

February 23rd, 2013 Posted in Fan Mail/Hate Mail, Hate Mail | No Comments »

Submitted through the Quicky Joke submission form.

This form was submitted:  Apr 25 2005 / 20:16:31

name = I hate white people that why they lost the civil war
email = iluvtigos@
qjoke = Your some fuckin haters fuck the bad white people that why we fuck your woman

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Crazy Rings (iOS) Review

February 22nd, 2013 Posted in Game Reviews, Games | No Comments »

Developer/Publisher: Cervo Media GmbH || Overall: 8.0/10

Hardware Used: iPhone 5 with iOS 6

Want to go on a Match-Three Safari full of deformed animals that are caged in some weird contraption called a “crazy ring?” Well, if that specific craving has arisen, Crazy Rings is for you. 101 stages full of fun and oddly not-very-funny humor. For some reason the game is listed in the store as “the funniest game ever” or something, but I have yet to even see a real joke or something funny. Maybe that’s the joke.

I guess it doesn’t matter. What there IS to like is probably what should be paid attention to, anyway. Through the “Campaign” mode, in which you presumably play through all 101 of the stages, you are trying to get as many points as possible and clear the Crazy Rings with as much efficiency and/or combo-making as possible. Once you complete a level, you gain up to three stars (you can earn zero, too) depending on how well you do in the level and progress to the next one.

The concept is not hard to grasp, nor is it really that difficult, at least until the point I’m at, which is Stage 25. The game can get a bit hectic, depending on the little things they throw in to make it harder/easier to play. There isn’t a whole lot of variety up until this point, but I’m not complaining since the art is nice to look at, and the game isn’t really that frustrating to play – it is also a stable application that doesn’t crash or have frequent bugs that I have encountered.

The essential control mechanic is to tap where you want to send one of your spherical animals, and in doing so, try to match them up with the others and try to make combos, like many other Match-Three games. What makes this game a little bit unique is that the crazy rings will rotate, expand, or travel around in a circle, so you will have to pay attention to those elements in order to not misplace any of your spherical lions, frogs, snakes, pigs, or other animals. You can also have multiple crazy rings which will also rely on the speed of each ring’s rotation if you want to match any animals with the outer rings, as they can all be rotating and expanding at the same time.

At a certain point, the game will begin to give you helpful one-time-use power-ups. One of them is a pork-chop-shaped meat thing that you can launch at the ring of animals, and they will all go chasing after it off-screen. This can be useful if you have two rings at the same time or if you just have a lot of random animals. Another power-up is a tranquilizer needle, which can slow down the ring that you shoot at, limiting its rotational speed or elastic rate. Later on, there is a Rhino that you can use to break through any obstacles, including rocks. I’m sure that they throw in different power-ups and obstacles every now-and-then to break up the monotony.  Obstacles, like the rocks, which act as a wall within a crazy ring can change your strategy in completing a level.

You aren’t able to save these particular power-ups, and you have to use them within about 10 seconds of their appearance, or lose the opportunity to use them. The only power-ups that you actually keep are Rocket Rings. Rocket Rings are basically things you can use to “cheat” and clear a level if you somehow get frustrated enough to use it. I am not entirely sure if Rocket Rings are acquirable in-game, but you are able to buy them. Doing so will also unlock all of the levels in the game without having to progress one-by-one — it is a package deal and I’m not sure if you are able to just keep buying Rocket Rings after your first purchase.

Considering the Rocket Rings aren’t very enticing to use, and you can unlock all of the levels by yourself anyway, I don’t know why you would WANT to buy this “package,” even if it is a very low price to do so (at the moment, $0.99). The game isn’t particularly annoying in trying to get you to buy anything or share anything with your friends, so that is a welcomed aspect. There are also no naggy notifications or stupid social/faux-multiplayer bloat features. What I enjoy about the game is that you are actually playing a game and not trying to show your friends how cool it is to not play a game.

The game itself is quite meaty, considering there are 101 levels, and once you get through all of those, you can re-play them and try to get three-stars or play what seems like an endless-play mode called “Zen Mode.” The rings probably get crazier and crazier (and difficult) as it goes along. The sound effects/ambient noises aren’t annoying, so they’re nice to play with if you require something to listen to, but you’re not missing much if your phone is on silent.

The game is not a bad bargain for “free.” If you like puzzle games, you will enjoy Crazy Rings, and while it may not be the most unique concept you’ve ever seen, it is still worth playing. It can get pretty hectic at times, but I have yet to encounter a level that I couldn’t pass on the first go. I’m sure that in the later levels it may become difficult enough where it may require a couple of tries, but in general, there isn’t much retrying.

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Quote #22823

February 21st, 2013 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

My self-summary:

“I was born a boy, but I am really a girl and have been happily becoming more and more me. ^.^”

What I’m doing with my life:

I am a biology major and I would like to become a pediatrician so that I can take care of kids and have a cutely decorated practice.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

How different I am going to look in a year! :)

– from a (transsexual) girl’s dating profile

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