cidmototoro – n. a highly effeminate pulled pork connoisseur
otreibucsed – n. a man over 40 known for throwing up on turtles
In my craniopomorphic fishbowl, the scriptures of vitality are reduced to fish food. This statement, with some degree of strict method, reveals highly substantiated visions of living, namely three, which can be extracted using a many-fold process of definition, application and intuitive assumption. The inherent difficulty in relaying such specific and clear visions is the cloudy nature of foreign interactions that occur as the more common ways of living and more thoroughly these occurrences result from the worldly lack of the general “person,” who is neither “he” nor “me” but an impulsive mix of the two, to create the parameters of the world in which he is omnipresent but unable to grasp because of this very same lack of creative will.
The first methodical step in relaying this idea is the removal of any stigma resulting from the use of jargon, which is arrived at as a thorough way to encompass an idea, but at the same time is auto-destructive because of the intuitive nature of jargon and the roundabouts that become necessary to provide any sort of clairvoyance on the subject. Craniopomorphic, at its most mathematical, is the result of a deficiency of any sort of encompassing word in current circulation suitable to the idea. It was derived using a cognitive ability that borders on autogenous and is the production of a welding of the Greek roots “cranio” – of or relating to the brain and “pomorphic” – meaning: to draw into light an innate understanding of some phenomena having like characteristics to the word it is defining; related, although only in usage, to anthropomorphic. So, it can be said that this word, when used as an adjective, such as “craniopomorphic fishbowl,” is being used to illuminate the ability of a fishbowl, in specific, to take on a cranial capacity, and in this case, for the direct purpose of drawing a conclusion to the activity of the brain by way of allegory to the utilities inherent in a fishbowl.
Similarly, a methodical understanding of “scriptures of vitality” can be made but with less processing because of its immediate relation to intuition. “Scriptures of vitality” is most thoroughly an idea, which serves the purpose of defining the general state of non-phenomenal reality or that is to say, reality, which is void of personal utility for phenomenal experience or experience which is acknowledged as being the sum total of personal filtration (mental processing of reality; conscious and subconscious).
Some conclusions can now be drawn with the jargon issue having been addressed. The ultimate conclusion of the original statement (In my craniopomorphic fish bowl, the scriptures of vitality are reduced to fish food) is the production of fish food, and a look into this reveals three ways of acknowledging mania and its substantial role as the cornerstone of reality. First, “fish food” because of its simplicity, which can be seen as the simple act of “me,” writing a “paper,” by hitting the “keys,” on a “computer,” and so on. This illuminates a more mechanical way of being in personal relation to the world in which “I” become akin to the processes of my environment and not the construction. Second, “fish food” because if “I” choose to swim in reality and be a fish, “I” am gonna need some sustenance to keep “my” dorsal fins a-churnin?
This idea speaks to the necessity of having reality dictated to “me” thoroughly if “I” chose not to acknowledge the solitary state of “my” existence. In this case the action of dictating takes on the role of giving scripture and can thus be seen as the fish food that fuels the process. Third, “fish food” because as an overblown ego, this is such a miniscule proportion so as to not even be worthwhile. Or, this third prong can be equally stated as “fish food” because as a person who can completely acknowledge how wholly perfect he functions, no sustenance is needed. The two assessments of this final prong just boil down to a conflict of perception. The first is the idea that if “I” choose to take advantage of the anti-gravitational nature of time, in other words, it’s constant suspension of everything because nothing is ever finished and everything (in this case used as an entity not an idea) is in constant redefining of itself, then I need no other nourishment outside of the realization of the impermanence of everything. The second assessment is the idea of being highly sensitive to such a degree that the totality of life has been raised through personal awareness like a garden in “my” craniopomorphic greenhouse.
Lastly, everything should be observed, in regards to this paper, as not only mathematical in construction but thoroughly substantiated and based on observable phenomena present in the subversive interpretations that quite literally make the idea of reality translatable to this: all worldly interaction is just the brokerage of personal phenomena.
My assignment was to interview an immigrant….I know of no immigrants so I made it all up….Check out the dates I mention….(I aced history but clearly failed math….)
Dolores H. was born August 10, 1972 in Mexico city, Mexico in an area called Village Guadalupe. She was 23 when she first came to the United States in the summer of 1980.
*****She would’ve been like 11 when she came to the u.s. not 23!*****
I did go to school ,my mother really wanted me to finish high school although I wanted to work to make money for our family she said. But there werent very many good jobs for women because most men believe they are supposed to stay home. So after high school Dolores came to America. It was very difficult because I was alone ,I didnt speak English ,and I didnt have any money.she said. But there was a couple her parents knew who were living here in Ventura so they let her live with them for awhile. They helped her learn English so she could get a small job.
Coming to America ,she says, was easier for her then for a lot of people. She says some men she knew were always trying to come illegally to the U.S. to escape debt. It only took a few weeks for her to be approved, then later on she wanted to become a citizen so she had to take a difficult test to see how much she knew about the country.
I got a B+ becasue my teacher said it wasn’t long enough….
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know
geaegelnsy – n. the free rain gutters you get with the purchase of a roof
qixod – v. to send a screenshot of a PDF of your resume instead of your actual resume
cantuiren – n. a Japanese drama dubbed in Spanish, but with English subtitles
Developer: Witching Hour Studios | Publisher: Ysbryd Games || Overall: 8.5/10
One thing I’ve always had an interest in was creating lore from scratch. I’ve got a couple of projects that I’ve worked on but never got too far in fully fleshing them out into a self-sustaining, interconnected, and intellectually interesting universe. Masquerada: Songs and Shadows accomplishes this feat while telling an entertaining story and even some gameplay to boot. While its hard to make all the connections to this and that unless you really pay attention, the developers at Witching Hour Studios really did an amazing job in crossing their Contadini’s and dotting their Regenti’s. Oh, excuse me, I meant T’s and I’s; sometimes its easier to just make up words and hope you remember what they mean.
The immediate takeaway of Masquerada: Songs and Shadows is that it is uniquely themed. The buildings, words, and the way people dress are considered “Venetian” — to better put it into context, think 17th century Europe. All of the terms, people’s names, and frankly just about everything is finely crafted in giving this “Venetian” feel. This is in spite of the game taking place in a fictitious country named Ombre, and obviously not taking place in “Earth’s history” either. The centerpiece of the lore is the magical masks, called Mascherines, and how their use brings out magical powers that its user would otherwise not be able to have. From this simple concept grows the impressively detailed political situation of the country of Ombre, with upwards of twenty different factions, groups, organizations, and government entities, all vying for power in the world… and a place in your brain.
In fact, the game is so lore rich that I’ve spent what feels like half of the game time reading rather than playing. This can be fine to a point, and it is definitely “optional” but if you want the full experience of the narrative, its necessary to take a 10-15 minute break every time a bunch of new lore entries open up in the Codex. As the story progresses, you’ll unlock one of the grayed out squares in non-sequential order (they are also ordered by categories), and since there are made up names for just about everything and it can be hard to keep track of it all; it’s going to test your patience. One Codex entry opened up about the relationship between the main character and a good friend of his, and it was probably about two pages worth alone; I didn’t care that much and I just said fuck it! Sometimes it’s a huge pain to break up the gameplay flow to take these “lore breaks” and is the one obvious flaw of this title.
Obviously, there’s no way they could have included most of what is in the Codex into the actual game, since most of it has to do with everything other than what is immediately going on. It would have been nice to have been able to experience as side stories or extra quests or something more involved like that. By my fifth hour, the game felt exclusively just reading/watching an interactive story. Not to mention, they hide many of the core lore entries on the map and you have to find them by exploring a little bit; this means you can potentially miss them. The business of the story delivery is cumbersome, but the story is interesting, so I can give them a pass up to a point. They made up so many fucking terms it’s like I’m reading a different language and its hard not to glaze over terms if you’ve forgotten their meaning. In the end, the effort on their part and your part go hand in hand. If you skip over the lore, you are doing yourself a disservice in playing the game. But it would have been nice if they gave us a Venetian diagram (get it?) or a geographical map at least.
So I’ve talked about the story up until now, and while it is the center feature of this title, there is a battle system. I would quantify the battle system as “light” — there is no experience grinding and skill points unlock after certain story events. The talent system is varied enough where you can make different builds or choose different elements (fire, air, water, or earth) for your main character. You can also set up tactics for your AI teammates, or take direct control of them if you so choose. The battling takes place mostly with melee attacks and elemental-themed spells. A group of three or four enemies will spawn and then you just try to kill them before they kill you. Healing is mostly passive, and attached to other spells that go off, so it isn’t a mechanic that requires a lot of attention. If an AI teammate falls in battle, you can revive them Call-of-Duty-style by hovering over their body and pressing a button.
Presumably you would replay the game with different builds if you wanted to experience the different intricacies of this battle system, but I can’t say I would personally be interested. The battles aren’t really that hard on Normal — there is a difficulty slider including “Story,” “Normal,” and “Hard.” I don’t know why anyone would really want to waste time potentially wiping with a Hard difficulty considering the only reward the game has to offer is more story. There is no character progression or gameplay elements that motivate you to do well in the battle you just fought or take on a harder challenge for that matter. Only a few encounters demand elevated knowledge of the battle system and tactics, which is unfortunate. There’s also not a whole lot of exploration involved; you are basically going down corridors and running around in circles to make sure you pick up any codex entries before you move on to the next area. Since the story is so heavily scripted I can appreciate that it would be hard to allow freedom of discovery, but nonetheless the beautiful art, music, and professional voice work try to paper over any of these particular faults.
Masquerada: Songs and Shadows will hit the “story RPG” itch you might be yearning for. With its unique Venetian theme, there’s not much that can really compare. Being overwhelmed with lore words aside, the experience is not as daunting as I may have made it sound like, and while particular points kind of grate my soul, presentation-wise with the Codex entries, I am still well entertained. Considering the story gets more and more interesting, it’s hard to not want to see the adventure through. There is also a recently released New Game+ mode that actually adds more content, so you can think of it as a “director’s cut” of sorts with expanded features, dialogue lines, and a couple more boss encounters.
obrotilsuu – v. to wash your hands before you take the trash out, but not after. Weird.
Developer: Bonfire Entertainment | Publisher: Another Indie || Overall: 2.0/10
What’s up, folks? Ever wanted a game where you play as a yam with guns or some shit? Have I got the fix for you!
Alright, so in Original Journey (“original title do not steal”) you’re a plant thing in an exo suit on a mission with dozens of others to save your planet. For plot device reasons you’re not told why you’re on the planet Shadow (“original name do not steal”) aside from these green crystals, which, incidentally, a vibrant green object in an otherwise monochrome game. These things, you see, heal your folk and planet, or something. I don’t know. Anyway, a bunch more stuff happens that doesn’t even make sense in any context, like you needing to get monster teeth to make a translation program for your droid, or talking to a dude with amnesia that gives you an emerald-looking thing called a Chaos Key (“original concept and name do not steal”) and some schematics only your race could ever utilize. I don’t understand who’s writing this, or if it’s a translation error, but the story really needs, like… a spit shine, at least. It’s rough, and, at points: totally inane.
Gameplay flows like this: you’re at base, where you get quests, deal with buying and selling, swap out equipment and prepare for your next run. Then you talk to this TV thing, and from there you pick where to go to start a chain of themed levels. As you complete each level, you’re taken back to decide if you return home or do a special event. Dying on a level means you forfiet all your loot, which stays there, not unlike Dark Souls or Shovel Knight, until you come back to reclaim it or die again. It says “procedurally generated levels”, but each level is more of an arena, and there’s not a lot of randomization in those or enemies. In fact, it’s more of an RPG with some roguelike elements than it is a real roguelike. In the few hours I played the forest section, I saw most of the same levels and elements, sometimes specific ones, over and over again. Anyway, you work toward your next story or side quest, come back home, rinse, repeat. There is some progression, like better equipment or higher character level even with death, yadda yadda, but that’s about it.
Okay, so, gather round. Scout’s honor sort of moment here. Alright, you listening? Here’s the thing: I didn’t finish this game. I couldn’t, even though I feel bad about it and kind of wanted to, and there’s a very, very good reason why.
So, this game’s a roguelike, and if you’re reading random game reviews on a humor website, you probably know what that means: death. Lots of it. Any good roguelike will force you to die. There’s plenty of roguelikes, both good and bad, and there’s lots of traits that can influence an opinion in weighing them against each other. One thing good roguelikes almost universally have in common, though, is good controls. Original Journey does not have good controls.
This title’s a sidescroller, and your character’s armament is limited to a suit (with a chip in it; think socketing items in Diablo or Path of Exile), a left weapon and a right weapon. Most of the weapons are guns, but for some reason you have no ability to aim these fucking things. Your vegetable’s aim sways back and forth at approximately an upward 45 degree angle, making anything with less spread than a shotgun annoying to use. Aiming directly at an enemy involves walking right next to them and fucking pulling the trigger. This means that often times, for air enemies, you’re jumping constantly in the air in order to do any good. Weapons have limited ammo, so often times you’ll be wasting most of your ammo trying to knock some bullshit out of the sky. This gets worse later, with enemies hanging out toward the bottom of the goddamn screen. WHY? WHY DO THIS? WHY THE FUCK CAN’T I AIM AT HIM? I HAVE TWO FUCKING GUNS AND I CA-
So, shooting and aiming is already a problem, but it’s exacerbated by the design of the terrain in general. Many levels are oblong asteroid-looking hunks of shit with enemies on them. Considering our aiming problem, often times you will have to jump over enemies that are below your aim and attack from the opposite direction, entirely due to how your character holds a gun. Add on to this random terrain that blocks your shots and you have a REALLY GOOD FUCKING WAY TO GET MY BLOOD PRESSURE UP. FUCK.
They got these turrets that you can place two of each level, but they are just so dumb. The normal ones just sort of shoot randomly in the direction they are facing. The laser ones that you unlock next only seem better because they shoot through targets, including the stupid terrain obstacles.
Technically speaking, the game is fine. I didn’t experience any bugs, only “features” that were intended.
To repeat: I feel bad for not going through the whole game, but it just wasn’t worth the time. I know developing games takes work, but when you charge 11.99 for it, well, you invite criticism. There’s a multitude of better games to play instead, ones with plots that are fun, or gameplay that isn’t frustrating, some of them even being free. Play one of those instead. This one, in some ways, feels more like an inside Sonic the Hedgehog fandom joke attached to a random prototype game.
tuccoee – v. to use a toilet as if it is a chair, particularly when you don’t even have to use it for its actual intended function. You use the toilet to do things such as write checks, grade papers, or selfishly occupy the bathroom so that no one else can use it for the actual purpose a bathroom exists
zleraritsertb – n. someone who eats Cheetos while they are taking a shit on the toilet. They somehow leave smashed Cheetos in the bathroom and don’t even have the decency of cleaning them.
Another year has passed, and for some reason we finally remembered to do a Squacklecast!
Lots of things have changed, and we talk mostly about Wonder Woman, Batman, and Twin Peaks.
We talk about MTV, Ryan Seacrest’s dildos, how Carson Daly will share a burrito with you, and a 15 minute long awkward “ending” to this week’s podcast.
Since my old iMac finally was booted from having an up to date version of Skype, I had to record on my new computer with a new configuration. We might sound a little different than usual, but hopefully it isn’t bad. It is easier to set up though, so we may once again be able to do these more often.
See ya next time!
Graceful Explosion Machine.
Developer/Publisher: Vertex Pop || Overall: 6.5/10
The title itself almost begs the comparison to Michael Bay’s Transformers movies, a point driven home by the fact that the protagonist is inside of a yellow vehicle. Like Bay’s movies, though, little is added to the genre with GEM.
It’s not that Graceful Explosion Machine is a bad game – far from it. It’s just that it doesn’t do anything to keep me coming back after two decades of playing games similar to it. GEM is a 2D ship shooter, much like the classic Defender, right down to needing to hit a button to turn around. The game’s premise being there was, like, this big ship, or something. There was a city in it, maybe? I’m not sure. There were some gems on it, and astro pops, I dunno. Anyway, these googly-eye’d robots spheres and oblong shapes came and blew it up. A ship popped out of the explosion, and the pilot was obviously distressed that the gems they had stolen from Bejeweled had been, in turn, stolen from them. So the ship pursued, intending to set fire to their planets. It’s open to interpretation, obviously, so I’ll just post a .gif of the intro sequence so you can decide. It gets the job done, but honestly, I would have been just as happy with no story, since the stills you see explain nothing aside that you’re killing things for a reason: sweet, buttery revenge on rye, dijon mustard and a side of coleslaw. I’ll take my revenge, hold all the other stuff. Thanks.
Alright, on to gameplay. The Defender comment was a hint here: it plays like Defender. The ship is moved in the cardinal directions, but it always faces left or right, a state that is changed with space (or left trigger if you’re using a controller, and I hope you are). Aside from the dedicated turn button, there is a dash/boost to dodge through enemies. If you’re in your 30’s and 40’s, you probably know what’s up here. It’s just as riveting as before, only by this point you’ve probably played PixelJunk Shooter and stuff. Kind of like when you have a succulent ribeye steak at any point before eating a New Castle burger.
Now, for some reason this ship is unarmed until it picks up conspicuously laid out weapons in the tutorial, which is probably why these yellow guys got their shit ruined in the first place. First you get a pea shooter, which rapidly fires out blasts until it overheats, which is its only constraint. Second weapon, you get an “energy sword” which spins around twice on use, tearing into enemies and destroying enemy bullets. Next is a sniper beam, which is a very powerful beam that does a lot of damage and tears through enemy shields, but forces you to move slowly. The last is a missile barrage that can be directed out of your ship with a directional input before they race off to seek targets. With exception of the regular blaster, all weapons require weapon energy to fire. This is harvested from enemies on death via the yellow crystals they drop. The weapon energy meter doesn’t say what the max is, or how much each crystal is worth, nor is the energy required for attacks displayed anywhere, so it’s more of a fuel meter in that regard. Crystal/weapon power management seems to be the main bottleneck of player skill. Players need to swoop through slain enemies in order to get close enough to collect weapon power, which dictates how often you can use area of effect attacks. Gameplay quickly maxes out as an advanced game of chicken, blowing through enemies to collect weapon power to in turn massacre more enemies. The only real thing that mixes this up is how close enemies spawn, and if there’s an enemy that requires you to use the sniper cannon to kill quickly.
The game is divided into levels on four planets. A few open up for play, unlocking more as you complete them, culminating in a “warp” level to move on to the next planet. Each level has phases, which are this game’s checkpoint system; waves of enemies will spawn throughout an endlessly scrolling cave section as the player kills everything. Points are awarded for each kill, a multiplier in effect for consecutive kills and keeping a spree going. The ship is able to take three hits before dying, but each level has two continues, which can be utilized to restart from the beginning of the last phase that was started. The game isn’t exactly easy, but with tools like these, it’s not difficult either.
There’s plenty of different enemies, but most of the time, they either require a specific approach or a specific weapon, neither of which is much of a puzzle in the grand scheme of things. The problem is inherently with the focus of the game, which is entirely on score and leaderboards, rather than actual gameplay progression. This, coupled with spawns that don’t randomize, makes for a very stale “replayability” factor. Defender, way back in the day, got away with this by being a fixture in a public place with minimal mechanics and increasingly difficult and unforgiving gameplay, mostly to siphon quarters off kids. Well, that, and Defender is 36 years old. Graceful Explosion Machine has too many mechanics that it doesn’t dole out to keep the player interested, and thus have to use new enemies in lieu of new mechanics, powers or features to keep the player interested. Maybe it’s bad to expect more from games that go for $12.99 without a discount, but competition is stiff; there’s a myriad of games competing for your cash, and unless DeMar’s and Jarvis’ Defender is the model of what you consider an amazing experience, chances are you won’t be whisked away by this without a heaping spoonful of competitive spirit. Other games offer that competitive element too, obviously.
To its credit: the game runs well, and makes use of high refresh rate monitors. The music is benign, but not bad by any means. The controls on keyboard are serviceable, though I recommend controller. What’s more to say about a game that, mechanically, is solid even if there’s no carrot on the stick past score-whoring? There’s nothing particularly wrong with it, but it’s uninspiring, like a joke you’ve heard before, or a monologue on a topic you’re uninterested in.
And, with that: I’d like to talk to you about our Lord, Gabe Newell. Our Father in Seattle, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven. Dot-gif us this day our daily gameplay, and forgive us our unpaid credit cards, as we…
*The droning of a long-winded joke, built on a foundation of memes, hits for 3d6 focus damage: 14 points*
*You roll d20 to save – a one*
*Quietly, you drift off; memories of your homeship and your ill-gotten Bejeweled gems haunt your dreams*
*You wake up, covered in a sticky substance. You’re not sure where you are or what you’ve been doing, but you have a feeling it was spent doing something slightly mediocre.*
That’s what the game is like. Some people might be interested, and may even find some enjoyment out of a Defender game with some extra bells and whistles, but the depth is shallow and the ride is short.