Cliff Gunner (PC) Review

Developer: Blackrat Studios

  Cliff Gunner (PC) (1.5 MiB, 818 hits)

Game by Blackrat Studios, made with Game Maker.

Overview:

Cliff Gunner is basically an updated version of Space Invaders, with better drawings, and not much anything more different.

Graphics:

The graphics are nice. I like the buildings. The ships and UFO things are kinda weird looking though. But hey, who am I to say that an alien ship looks weird? It may even be the gay ships that have come to attack Earth so they can rule it and suck off all the other alien cock they wanted without persecution.

Sound:

Its ok. The air siren is sort of annoying after the first 2 seconds.

Gameplay:

Simple enough. You point and click the ships and missiles that are coming down at the city, and try not to have anything blow up the city.

Crappiest Part:

Well, the crappiest part would be how its not really that exciting to just blow up missiles and stuff. Its more fun to blow up the city yourself. That’s what I thought I was supposed to do the first time around. Then it said I lost. Why can’t there be a game like that, that you go from city to city and blow all their shitty buildings up? WHY!??!

Overall Score:

This is a good game, but there’s not much that is different from Space Invaders. The scenery and all the sprites are easy on the eyes, but I have to give a 7/10, because there is nothing new in this, that I’ve seen.

  Cliff Gunner (PC) (1.5 MiB, 818 hits)

Game by Blackrat Studios, made with Game Maker.

 

Christmas Crunch (PC) Review

Developer: CapnChubby

  Christmas Crunch (PC) (664.5 KiB, 862 hits)

Game by capnchubby, made with GameMaker.

Overview:

I couldn’t really read the menus, but you control a bunch of icons like socks and santa heads. They all move when you go left, etc. The goal is to get them into thier individual goals without hitting any diamonds.

Graphics:

menus are kinda cool, though hard to read. I don’t like to take off points for that kinda thing, though. The other stuff is pretty boring.

Sound:

Really starts to piss you off, since it’s the same thing over and over. Well, actually more, but all Christmas songs sound the same.The scream when you die scares the crap outta you. who knew socks could scream so loud?

Gameplay:

Original. Not too fun to play, but it makes you think. Sometimes it screws up and the block off guys you control split up a little.

Crappiest Part:

How it’s GAY! GAY GAY GAY!! There, I said it…

Overall Score:

5/10

  Christmas Crunch (PC) (664.5 KiB, 862 hits)

Game by capnchubby, made with GameMaker.

 

Chip Buffington (PC) Review

Developer: gamezwhiz

  Chip Buffington (PC) (1.6 MiB, 797 hits)

Game by gamezwhiz, made with GameMaker.

Overview:

The title screen was a bit cheesy, but i’m not here to talk about that….basically what you do in this game is…collect coins which i don’t know what you do with, get keys and then use them to open the door to go to the next level (if there even is one). And boy, let me tell you right now: What an involving storyline.

Graphics:

I swear that title screen really spoiled it for me. oh yeah i said i wouldn’t talk about it anymore. The graphics are moderate, they’re not great, but they’re not bad.

Sound:

The music is OK, it “sets the mood” but its kind of annoying, along with the sound effects…nothing you can really dance to, if you want me to be frank. But my names not Frank.

Gameplay:

Gameplay is pretty much like Pac-Man, but you can jump…and you get coins…and you get keys…i don’t know why it takes 4 keys to open 1 door, its like living in the ghetto where you have to have 5 locks on your door to feel secure. This game is so stupidly hard, too. You can’t kill the monsters except by losing a life, and on top of that, they shoot little pink things to make it even harder to beat. ARRGHHH!

Crappiest Part:

How it mixes 15.3% Chips’ Challenge and 84% Pac-Man into a hard game. The other 0.7% is shit.

Overall Score:

With all “jokes” aside, this is a basic sidescroller, and he did an ok job making the concept, by mixing 2 old games. But its not the best game around, nor is there too much to keep you entertained if you’re stuck in the first level (like i was). I give it a:

7/10

  Chip Buffington (PC) (1.6 MiB, 797 hits)

Game by gamezwhiz, made with GameMaker.

 

Chao Virtual Pet System (PC) Review

Developer: Keyro Productions Inc.

  Chao (PC) (1.2 MiB, 986 hits)

Game by Keyro Productions Inc., made with GameMaker.

Overview:

This is a virtual pet system, that is a little bit deeper than the Tomagotchi shit everyone and their grandmas had a long time ago.

Graphics:

The graphics are average…there aren’t too many different things that are drawn really..

Sound:

The music is pretty good, but after like about 10 minutes of doing nothing but feeding bars of shit and junk like that to your Chao, it won’t be so giddy and happy…except annoying and aneurysmic

Gameplay:

Uhhhhhhhhh….you drag and drop the shit for the Chao to eat…and that’s it…you don’t do anything else.

Crappiest Part:

Well…how it takes so long for the Chao to do anything. I didn’t even SEE it do anything because it took so long. Its just really annoying. Another thing is, you can’t kill your Chao.

Overall Score:

This isn’t fun…I’d only open this game to listen to the music. And the depth that I was talking about before, well its useless depth, you don’t do anything in this game.

5/10

  Chao (PC) (1.2 MiB, 986 hits)

Game by Keyro Productions Inc., made with GameMaker.

 

Blood of War 3: Operation Snow (PC) Review

Developer: JCS Games

  Blood of War 3: Operation Snow (1.5 MiB, 781 hits)

Game by JCS Games, made with GameMaker.

Overview:

Blood of War 3 Operation Snow only has one thing going for it. Its name. Now that makes you think. At first sight, Blood of War 3 Operation Snow seems like its a good name, right? Or does it? Its actually really fucking stupid, because there is no fucking snow. Not even yellow snow. And there’s no blood. And there’s no war. And this seems like its a “3rd in the series” kind of game because of the 3. The truth is, I don’t see how this could be the 3rd game of anything, because usually games get better as they get sequels. This game is like a prime cut piece of ass. I think the 3 was just tossed on there for the hell of it, to make it seem like this game was a part of a popular series. But it isn’t. Its all ass, and this ass tastes bad. Very bad.

Graphics:

Bad. The sprites don’t even move. They just slide around. Bullets are big black lines, and there’s a stupid assortment of shitty weapons that don’t even look good when they’re used. This stupid war is being fought in Cement World where everything and everyone is made out of cement. People are colored, so you know they’re people and not walls. When people get shot, they disintegrate into a pile of mush. If they get electrocuted, they change different colors and then disappear. If they get burned with the flamethrower, they fall into a pile of mush. There are these weird crystal things floating out of nowhere, that seem to give you more ammo for your electrocuter…

Sound:

Horrible. The only semi-good sound effect is the gun shot sound. There’s an annoying screaming sound for a soldier when they die by electrocution.

Gameplay:

This game is so fucking boring. There’s nothing to do in this game. All you do is shoot the enemy, or get hit by as many bullets as you can before the game decides to randomly restart the level so you’re back to what you originally had for your health and ammo. This game is bullshit. I don’t see how anyone can have fun playing a game that lets you slide around in a Cement World filled with stupid blue soldiers shooting each other’s dicks off and then shooting them at you so you can eat them.

The flamethrower doesn’t even work right, because when you press Alt, it pauses the game because the game thinks you want to do something with the actual window.

Crappiest Part:

I hate this game. Its 11:30 pm right now, and I’m tired as fuck. This is not the greatest game to play at any time of day, especially this late at night, but nothing can impair my decision about this game sucking the balls of every man (or woman?) within a 5 mile radius of each computer this stupid fucking game is on.

Overall Score:

I’ll tell you something about how this game is good. Getting an extremely low review score.

1/10

  Blood of War 3: Operation Snow (1.5 MiB, 781 hits)

Game by JCS Games, made with GameMaker.

 

Battlefield 1942 (PC) Review

Developer: DICE / Publisher: EA Games

Overview:

The War might be over, but not the slew of games based on it. Don’t get me wrong, I like World War II games that aren’t shitty. Battlefield 1942 definitely isn’t a shitty game. Its actually one of the best games I’ve played. And one of the only PC games I have. I don’t have too many, and this is definitely a must-have for first-person shooter games. And it seems to all be historically accurate. It has the same sort of “realistic” gameplay as Counterstrike, while still making it fun.

Graphics:

The graphics are great. You really can’t get much better right now with these graphics. Of course there’s some exceptions right now, but this is good enough for me. The graphics could get better, but I wouldn’t really care for it too much, unless it was made a little more realistic.

Sound:

The sounds of all the different guns and vehicles are good enough for me. They’re not really that annoying either because when you’re gunning down an enemy, all you care about is killing them.

Gameplay:

The gameplay is just like a regular first-person shooter. There is a single player mode, but I usually play online. The online mode is exactly the same as the single player mode except its not a career, and your computer doesn’t have to do all the work of computing the actions of the dozen or so other guys on the map. Its also a lot more fun online, because you can play with your friends, or you can just play with other people who are usually smarter than the computer.

Crappiest Part:

The crappiest part about the game is the long load times. The maps are huge, so I understand why it takes so long. It just takes away from the game to have long load times.

Overall Score:

This game is loads of fun, and with mods you can install, the replay value of this game is very high. The best mod out right now is called Desert Combat, and I am actually playing it more than Battlefield 1942.

10/10

 

Battle Bees (PC) Review

Developer: Urisoft

  Battle Bees (1.7 MiB, 924 hits)

Game by Urisoft, made with GameMaker.

Overview:

Battle Bees is a mediocre Real Time Strategy game, set in a mediocre world with mediocre missions. But don’t let that stop you from playing this game. This is actually a fairly involving game that takes a little too much clicking to do what you want to do.

You are the commander of some survivor bees fleeing from their home after a mysterious plague destroyed their livelihood. All the bees that were survivors wandered the world for years, and finally came upon a grand field, that seemed to stretch for miles and miles. It looked like the perfect place to settle down, other than the fact that there was a huge war between all the other insects in the field. As an external force, you’re going to have to destroy all the insect factions in your way and claim the field as your own, for future generations to come.

Graphics:

The graphics are ok. They could have definitely been polished up a bit, and some of them seem to be rushed or not even made by the game creator, like the spider.

Sound:

The sound is alright, and there isn’t anything annoying. When you get into a battle, battle music starts playing. Sometimes this can lag the game though, because a swinging spider can keep going in and out of your “battle zone” (I guess you would call it a battle zone). This really started to show in the 3rd level.

Gameplay:

The gameplay is pretty good. You can direct where units can go, and highlight a big group of units and then tell them where to go. When you have a young bee that becomes an age 3 bee, they are able to become one of 2 bee classes, worker and fighter. When you choose which each one will become, a little box opens with your choices. The box would have been better if it appeared near the bees, and in the same place, but instead it jumps around the screen, and you’d be really lucky if it appeared close to where the previous one was. Supposedly a worker bee is able to get honey, but I didn’t see any real use for it because there weren’t any “base” missions I played so far. They may be used just to get the honey from the flowers, and then right on the spot some bees would pop up. It didn’t really explain that part too well.

Crappiest Part:

The crappiest part of the game is how the game wasn’t polished enough. There’s a huge amount of spelling and grammar errors that make it so you can just barely understand it when reading. The drawings as well could have been polished a little bit too.

Overall Score:

There aren’t too many games that are RTS games made in Gamemaker. Partly because they probably go a little slow, but this game is pretty good for what it is. It’s worth playing through if you have the patience to read bad grammar. There’s also a lot of levels, so you can play with your bees for a while, and find out what actually happens to the colony.

8/10

  Battle Bees (1.7 MiB, 924 hits)

Game by Urisoft, made with GameMaker.

 

Arena (PC) Review

Developer: Delta9 Games

  Arena (PC) (2.5 MiB, 830 hits)

Game by Delta9 Games, made with Game Maker.

Overview:

A space shooter-type game, where you have a ship that looks like a bat, and you go around trying to kill another person (that is playing too, on your keyboard)

Graphics:

The graphics are nothing great, I have no idea what the hell the ship is really supposed to be…are there fangs on it?

Sound:

The title screen music is annoying. But the in-game music is better, and sets “a mood” that you would want to have.

Gameplay:

The control scheme is a bit weird to get the hang of at first, since you go kinda fast for the little amount of space you really have to go in before you have to make a turn, and you bounce off walls, so it might take you about 4 minutes to get out of a dead end corner….

Crappiest Part:

How you have to have someone with you when playing this game. If the other ship had an AI or something, it’d be fun to play…or some random enemies flying around. There should be a one player mode, i guess is what i’m trying to say.

Overall Score:

This game does have a little fun to it, even if you do play alone. I give it a:

7/10

  Arena (PC) (2.5 MiB, 830 hits)

Game by Delta9 Games, made with Game Maker.

 

Annihilation (PC) Review

Developer: Liberty Freak

  Annihilation (PC) (1,008.2 KiB, 926 hits)

Annihilation by Liberty Freak. Made with Game Maker.

Overview:

You are supposed to shoot people or something. I don’t read “story screens”.

Graphics:

ok.. It’s all birds eye perspective, so i guess you can’t expect that much, but infiltrator looks much better.

Sound:

Not that great. Kinda sucks. Actually the menu sounds ok… alright i don’t really remember the sound and i don’t want to play it again.

Gameplay:

Arg! i hate it! it was a good effort but it plays really bad.i hate the RE style controls (rotate, walk forward,backward) i could think of some better schemes… in fact i might just make a game like that to prove it!…anyway it’s hard to shoot anyone and they see you no matter what direction you’re facing… I couldn’t get past the first mission. some doors dont open… i’m not sure what you’re sposed to do with those. if you hit a wall, you stick to it… you walk too fast.. rotate at the wrong speed, i’d say… just not very enjoyable.

Crappiest part:

The sticking to walls thing. And the title. i hate it when people make these stupid titles to hype up their games. arg! also you get all these training missions for the different weapons, then on the first level all you can buy is a pistol. since i coulnt beat that level…. i never really got to “annihilate” everyone!! HAHAHAHA!!!! there’s your stupid review dave. hey evryone, go look at my “AMIGOS” flash movie.

Overall Score:

I give this a 4/10 for effort. there’s probably more levels… so yeah.

  Annihilation (PC) (1,008.2 KiB, 926 hits)

Annihilation by Liberty Freak. Made with Game Maker.

 

5 Finger Fillet (Web) Review

Developer: 13th Street Games.

Overview:

Five Finger Fillet is a Flash game in which you have a knife and you have to time your space bar hits so that it goes into the area between your fingers. If you’re not careful, you might cut off a finger…or five..

Graphics:

The graphics are pretty good. There aren’t any animations though, just a hand going back and forth. The red “x” that appears when you hit the space bar is kind of out of place, too.

Sound:

Pretty god damn annoying, that’s for sure. There’s a breathing noise all the time, like the guy is nervous about playing knife-hand. Everytime the knife is put down onto the wood, you hear a thump sound. When its put into the guy’s finger, he screams…like anybody should. But even while he screams, the breathing sound is there…yeah…

Gameplay:

Not that interesting. You press space bar…and try not to cut your fingers off. You have to time them right, as the hand that has the knife goes faster until its not possible for a human’s hand to go.

Crappiest Part:

The crappiest part is the boring-ness of it. This game is not fun. Sure, I’ll give them points for the fact that they can draw a severed finger bleeding on a nicely colored piece of blue and green wood, but its worth shit if the game isn’t good. You could make a Barbie game look nice graphically, but you know its going to suck.

Overall Score:

Ok, I’ll be straight and to the point. Don’t play the game. Its not good, and the highlights of the game are shown in the 2 screenshots above.

2/10

 

Rock On 1992 Review

Rock On 1992, by Sony Music Entertainment

Album Info: 12 tracks

All tracks reviewed by J2K

—————————————————-

Track 1: Tx Rib X – Move This

I’m listening to the music of track 1, BUMPTATA BUMPTATA with woman singing like sing. Probably some woman who is actually an ape. Anyhow it keeps the DINGADINGA(tinc)DINGA and she sometimes shouts “shake dat body” and she is probably woman 20 or older. It is a lot of beats and harmony with beats. It is a long song with much potential, “people don’t you know” I do know that this song is good lol! More singing, it never ends! Please help. Serious it keeps going. More move this and move that, I am tired of moving, please stop. OK it stopped. 🙂 9/10

Track 2: Joe Public – Live and Learn

We have Live and Learn, it is by man with queer-like voice. It sometimes pauses but that is just my scratched CD! He sounds like his name is Kyle and he has had a hard life by the song. He lives and learns, he plays by the rules. This song has many beats AMUPTA AMBUMPU (petititu) BUMBP and he is singing lots and lots. His voice raises sometimes like dick in small place. He sounds like he is moonwalking across disco floor while singing, oh no there are two of him!! One is singing other say “check this out” maybe I don’t want to check it out fag! He still singing, I think it is the first one of him…pause..”yeah”..and more words. Oh he is singing about Mary earning dough, I think that means Mary has the munchies hold on let me check…OK yeah I just asked a guy in AOL chat he said “yea is good asl?” I think that means yes OK I think it is ending. Yes that is the end. It was pretty good but made me think too much about cookie dough. 7/10

Track 3: Spin Doctors – Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong

Yeah now we are talking. Major rock hits filling my eardrums now. Ooh singing like a bitch, singing very fast hard to understand what is going on. Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong yeah that’s right bitch listen to this guy singing, listen please whore. Yeah don’t cheat on me, listen to this squawking guy singing talking about french people and monkey tools. More guitar playing with occasional PUTTA…PUTTA with a BLENANA NANAWEEWEW WEWEWEWWW PUTTA PUTTA PUTTA WEWEWEWWWWW. Woo yeah! Getting into this song. Singing about cigarettes, very good! He gives dollar to person he complains about. Can’t be wroooooong yeah yeah yeah preach it my brother! Yeah keep saying it over and over, and more overs. Conclusion with slowing down the singing and OOOOOOOOOOOOH fade out, ok yeah. 7/10

Track 4: Mr. Big – To Be With You

OK this is some woman, or possibly a man, singing in church choir. People clapping. He wants to be with a woman with church choir taking time out of praying to sing about having sex with women this is great. Talking about being on top of boys. I can imagine them all eating hot dogs while singing and sometimes sucking on them thinking about babies popping out of grocery carts. Beat slowing a little. DLELELE DE DENELE DE DELNELELE etc etc. Singing about doing the twist, dramatic pause, I’M THE ONE. Yes you are the one who make crappy song ha ha hah! Choir taking hot dog break and singing in background with lead singer squealing about dick. OK end of this with huge fag growl. 5/10

Track 5: Right Said Fred – I’m Too Sexy

OH YEEEEAH. NUMBNUMBNUMB NUMNBNUMBA He’s too sexy for his shirt and it hurts, I guess he should get larger shirt aha hah haah!! Japan talk, too sexy for a party and a disco dance, more like dicko dance am I right? 🙂 He turns on a catwalk but he won’t disco dance what is with that people help me please. Too sexy for a car with beats still going the NUMBA and too sexy for hat, maybe it isn’t pink enough for him hah!!! Climatic music NLAAAAAAA rap beats BUMPP A BUMMP back to basic music shaking his tush on a catwalk and being too sexy for cat, coincidence!!!? OK. He too sexy for song, end. 6/10

Track 6: The Cover Girls – Wishing on a Star

This song sucks my small 1 inch filibuster already, talking about wishing on star. Woman with a dog biting vulva screaming at high pitches about following dreams of becoming first person to shove whole cactus up vagina. Talk of rainbows with magical wishes, long vocals now that make no sense. Music that’s WEREEERERLLTLTLWERWEWEWE and is gay. More singing about shit that I wouldn’t even ejaculate on. Maybe if you wouldn’t have masturbated with grandma’s sunshades I would not have left you in the first place bitch! Stop singing about this, sing about presents. OK more singing about dreams and going toward them like she does with many random tranny penises. Even more love and following that I wish would go away. Slowing down may be ending soon. Oh shit no there it goes again ahh!! Wishin wishin on a staaaar yeah I heard you the first time you son of a couch! OK song end 🙂 3/10

Track 7: La Bouche – Rhythm Is a Dancer

Big techno rythm! Rythm is a danca it’s a sort of cancer yeeeeeah! Woo! I can get into this pretty fast baby! BUMB BUMB A BUMB BUMB BUMB, BUMB BUMB A BUMB with DEE DEE DEE sometimes but isn’t heard that much. Rythm is a dancer and voices, with loss of beats. Now more beats, gay man with diet pill stuck in bloated throat talking about god knows what. Odd rythm DING DING, DING DOO DING. No vocals in this part just solid trance beats. Back to original music, make me want to suck my own dick with pride and jive. Feeling the groove inside my own heart. Rythm is a sort of cancer so I should probably stop. The gay body builder is back and talking about pointing his finger up his ass and accidentally sitting up and down every few seconds. Just beats now and rythm, no talking. DING DOO DINGLALA. Woo! I sweat all over like man in hot weather, balls letting loose fluids probably not originally in body out across boxer shorts. Feeling good all around, uh uh uh….oh song over 🙁 7.5/10

Track 8: Kris Kross – Jum

JUMP JUMP JUMP Kriss Kross comin at ya bitch!! Better lock your fucking doors if you know what is good for you fuckface! BLUMP..BLUMP with DUN DUN DUNH. Rythm out the perverbial ass. 8 year old churning out raps like an enflamed baboon’s ass at Macy’s parade. GO GO….GO GO with rapping inbetween. BIGLGGLLGLGLG MACK DADDY x 3 or 4! Lots of excitement! These preteens know how to party, make me feel like Larry Flint with cold sore problem. Oh short song, it is over, fun while it lasted. 8/10

Track 9: ? – Everything Changes

ENTER BIG TIME GAY MELODY with woman screaming, sounds like she ate too much chocolate crickets, I sure hope so, bitch! Singing like Michael Jackson, probably has one glove to jack off with. EVERYTHING CHANGES yeah you are right, like my sexuality! I hope you forget how to breed miss ant-eater ass! Please don’t do it anymore you hurt me with your words of song!! Tune of DNLUNDULNDULNDA ringing in ears like theme from Friends…can’t take much more, boner fading, faith in humanity slipping, pants falling around ankles. More “singing” notice I put the quotations because it is bad!! If this is singing then I am Curious George, and I am curious as to why this song sounds like someone shoved a cork under my fingernails and fucked my nostrils. OK SONG END. 1/10

Track 10: Clivillés & Cole – Pride (In the Name of Love)

OOH WEIRD AQUA beats, with mechanical clang clang!! In the name of love they say, no thanks please!!!! Ugh I am getting tired reviewing these songs made by lucifer himself or perhaps worse Pink Floyd. OK decent filtered PLUWTATA going off with emergency siren. Uh oh someone hurry and save this song from sucking cock oh too late, parachute dick is already singing about the pride of fireworks and loving rock quarries. I hate this, I would very much like to push the button that stops the sing from proceeding. They are all singing together now, sounding like ghosts being trapped in straight vortex NO THAT’S CAN’T HAPPEN they fight back and win, gay force of Europe wins again, song over. 1/10

Track 11: Heights – How Do You Talk to an Angel

Generic guitar riff sound like from MTV Music Generator for PS1, now transvestite from Conan O Brien Show doing vocals. How do you talk to an angel he asks. Well I don’t knows why don’t you research it with the two dollars you made from this song from your parents and find out. THE ANGELS DON’T LIKE THIS SONG, DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU. Don’t continue. 🙁 He keeps going not paying attention to my desperate pleas. Falling stars and such being sung about, singer couldn’t find his Casio cassette player so he decides to make a song about finding Jesus OK. I am done with this song, very bad. Not good. ….Occasional saxaphone blaring with the velocity of the singer’s flacid cock. Good song end. 1/10

Track 12: Firehouse – When I Look into Your Eyes

OH NO SAD MUSIC DENENNE DENNE NEEENE Someone who thinks he is movie star vocalling his windbox. Elton John playing piano in the back, sometimes glancing at his pointy nipples. BIG TIME ORCHESTRA EFFECT, LOTS OF PEOPLE SINGING. LIKE I GIVE A HAIRY SALMON’S PENIS. Saw coming toward his face, must sing horrible love song or have no face, what a dilemma! Oh look the SAW STOPPED.

🙁 About a minute left on this audio version of constipation, the reward is old fishsticks and powdered milk coming out of your anus!! Yes yes yes yes n..yes yes!!! YES YES AUGH YES!!!! SONG OVER, CD OVER, PAIN OVER, LIFE OVER. 1/10

————————————

What an experience! While the CD (Compact Disc) had a few good jams to offer, the others made me want to slide hot cattle prod up my peehole and ask friendly stranger to suck the side of it off while I ram it as hard as I can against a textile machine! Review over!!

Overall: 4/10

 

Real World? More like Real CRAP

The reality show before reality shows, this piece of shit show on MTV which has nothing to do with music except when they play some shit to keep you entertained through transitions and to “set the mood” has no real point. 6 stupid people, always consisting of the following formula: 2 very straight, good looking guys; 1 gay guy; 1 lesbian; and 2 good looking girls, usually one with big cans.

Its such crap, they all work at the same place, and they try to make it interesting by making them have alcohol problems. Nothing illegal though, because MTV would be liable to be sued because they’d be making money off of illegal acts.

Its FAKE as HELL, too. No matter who you are, whenever you’re in front of a camera, you are going to be fake as possible. And the confessionals suck. Like I really give a shit how you feel about whatsyourface about whatsherface licking the shit out of everyone’s ass. To spice up this show, they should torture them. But actually what viewer wouldn’t be already, with people like those?

 

Chalk Zone: For the Stoner Kid

I mean come on. Everything you draw with chalk goes to the Chalk Zone when its erased? Magic Chalk? 2 eyed cyclopses? This all makes no sense, and it seems that this show would only be really taken somewhat understandably if the kid watching it were extremely high.

 

What the hell is with Magic Chalk? This idea is gonna make every kid think chalk is all magical and when a teacher writes on the chalkboard, they’re always going to open a portal to Chalk Zone.

 

Maybe this is the reason why schools are changing the chalk boards to dry erase boards! Because there’s a chance that Chalk Zone could invade us. I wanna live in Chalk Zone, because then I could snuff all the chalk dust I wanted. Maybe I’ll see a Chalk Volcano. Wow. How about that. Or maybe a penis that someone could’ve drawn on a chalkboard.

 

Dawn of the Dead (1978) Review

Dawn of the Dead (1978), directed by George A. Romero

Production Company: Laurel Group

Movie Length: 126 min

IMDb Movie Info

I’d read for a while how good the “horror legend,” George Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead,” was the pinnacle of zombie movies, the best horor movie ever made. I saw it at the video store near my sister’s house and I decided to check it out – Whoa, the reviews were right! This film is probably the best example of what makes a zombie movie truly excellent. A guy on IMDb said it quite well:

“The “social commentary” that people on this site rave about has been done before, and done better. Ok, I get that humans are soulless killers obsessed with consumerism and are actually more evil than zombies. Cute, George, real cute. Now why did it take you over two hours to tell us this? Dawn of the Dead is way too long, and it will give any viewer a headache. Zombie movies are good when the humans are in seemingly hopeless situations and always face the threat of being overrun. Throughout this whole movie, the audience has no reason to think the humans are in any danger at all. They run around the mall, punching (or at least punching air, the zombies fall down anyway) and shooting the zombies. So there goes the suspense aspect. The two military dudes park trucks in front of the entrances of the mall to keep zombies out. Good idea, but we don’t find this out for a long time.

I guess Dawn of the Dead has what I call the “2001” syndrome. Similar to 2001: A Space Odyssey, this film has somehow amassed a huge number of devoted fans who preach about its filmmaking prowess, going as far as to say it’s the greatest movie ever made. If that’s true, God help humanity. I can’t fathom how anyone could love this film so much. I’ve read some reviews telling me to “bow down before its amazingness.” I think I’d rather spit on it.”

The man knows his stuff.

“Dawn of the Dead” begins with people running around a television studio talking and well….I had no idea what the hell was going on. I don’t think anybody does. It’s just a completely forgettable scene that isn’t needed. There’s some kind of zombie scene after that at an apartment where a bunch of boring shit happens and some guy’s head explodes when shot. Yeah, great start.

For some reason, 4 people (3 guys and a girl) go to a house and start shooting zombies. There’s one bit where a guy is in a barn and dives and is suddenly outside. Great editing job. The black guy is about to shoot a zombie but sees the out-of-uniform white guy pull up his gun to shoot it so he dives out of the way. A zombie runs into the propellor of the helicopter and gets the side of it’s head cut off, that may sound cool but it’s done in a way that makes you just sigh and hope for better things to come. The white guy gets chewed out and they’re off to the mall.

The 4 break in the mall through the top and the guys leave the woman and go down the stairs. There’s a few zombies around the place and someone explains that after they died they went there because it was a familiar place to them when they lived. Whatever. The guys shoot more zombies and steal shit, then two of the guys decide to start riding trucks around. When I was watching this I had no idea that they intended to block the entrance with them until later, so when I was watching this scene I didn’t know what the hell was going on. The two guys refuse to run over any zombies, noo that would be too easy. The second guy keeps switching trucks for some reason and gets bit, oh lardy! They go back inside and someone says that it takes about three days to die from a zombie bite. Okay. The four of them decide to have some fun while they’re in the mall so they do a bunch of boring shit. The guy finally turns into a zombie and the black guy shoots him. Then the remaining white man and the woman have a romantic dinner. Some bikers come along and want to get in to kill the zombies, this is where the movie shines.

Get ready to watch some of the most boring action you’ll ever see in your life. Bikers ride in and kill zombies. The remaining white guy starts shooting at the bikers for reasons unknown so now it’s a war between the zombies, the bikers, and the fag squad. More zombies are shot and the fag squad get into a car. They drive and shoot more zombies. Sometime later the white guy gets bitten in an elevator and turns into a zombie within five minutes. Three days, right. A guy gets his guts eaten out and would probably be pretty gross if you were three years old. More zombie shooting, the woman gets into the helicopter on the roof. Then the black guy, in a sudden burst of energy, charges with his fists of fury through the zombies with really embarrassing A-Team wannabe music playing full blast. He makes it to the roof with ease and they escape. The end.

The zombies are the slowest things I’ve ever seen in my life. Dead people in real life can move faster than they do. The characters aren’t really introduced; just thrown at you, uncaring of whether you like them or not. The black guy is just a guy you don’t care about, the first white guy is just a guy you don’t care about, the out-of-uniform guy is just a guy you don’t care about, and the woman is a stupid bitch. The zombies are composed of several million people that stumble around with white donut powder on their face. The movie drags on as it’s over two hours and it makes you just wish it would all be over. Maybe Romero’s intention was to see how many suicides he could afflict before the movie ended.

-10/10 (0/10)