Squackle.com! The Funniest Site on the Net

Tags: goat, insect, The DPB Tag, war

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Stupid intersections.

For example, you’re walking down the street, toward an intersection of 2 streets. As you walk toward it, not a car is there, but…as you get closer and you’re about to go across the street, the cars come from all ways, making your crossing all the more difficult, not to mention all the people driving the cars are usually idiots, almost running you over and such. Or if they don’t see you and cut in front of you, smiling and waving.

CROCK OF SHIT THAT’LL DO FOR YOU, THEY ALMOST RAN ME THE FUCK OVER, WHY SHOULD I BE SMILING AND WAVING BACK TO THEM? “THANKS FOR ALMOST RUNNING ME OVER, YOU GOT LUCKY THIS TIME!”

Then, as soon as you go across, they’re gone. No more cars. Its all bullshit really, its like all those people plan to go into the intersection at the same time as you.

Is it a conspiracy? Maybe.

Is it a phenomena? I don’t give a shit.

I’m just pissed off at intersections, and you should hate them too.

Tags: car, conspiracy, intersection, phenomena, The DPB Tag, theory

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So, say you want to call your good friend so you can go hang out somewhere and possibly go somewhere to eat. Now, let’s put two of your favorite people in the world, davepoobond and Soup Nazi into this situation. Soup Nazi’s phone is fucked up for whatever reason, and davepoobond is trying to call him so they can go and do something, like eat a burger. Davepoobond not being able to contact Soup Nazi is a predicament, now, isn’t it? How many times is “enough” to try and contact a friend so you can go and do something together because you’re bored? Davepoobond and Soup Nazi are good friends, but not good enough to warrant any more than a maximum of five calls from davepoobond. Anything more than five calls may and SHOULD be translated as a stalker or someone that is trying to get into your pants.

The rule I propose is that if you are trying to contact someone just to hang out and do nothing important in particular, you are given a maximum of five tries to contact someone. The count resets once you actually make contact. However, this should never be broken unless you ABSOLUTELY need something from this particular person you’re calling. The only thing that would qualify for the need would be something like large amounts of money (we’re talking tens here, baby), ass, returning of a loaned out item, drugs (if you really need a hook up), or if your liver is about to fall out. In these cases, you’re allowed one extra call, adding up to six.

You’re a fucking psycho if you call someone more than five or six times.

Tags: davepoobond, Soup Nazi, telephone, The DPB Tag, theory

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girls = time x money

time = money

therefore

girls= money squared
money is the ROOT of all evil

therefore

girls = the square root of money squared
therefore
girls = evil

Tags: math, SR71 Steve

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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

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Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which soul! s enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will i ncrease until all Hell breaks loose.

2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, “…that it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in getting a date with her. Then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”

Tags: chemistry, death, hell, internet, number, religion, students

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For years now the great Squirrel Army has been trying to conquer the world, unbeknown to the public. Through their clever and devious military tactics, they have succeeded thus far in conquering the sixteen (16) small countries in Africa and Asia, including; Gambia, Guinea-Bissau, Comoros, Lesotho, Mauritius, Swaziland, Reunion (which they call Crap Land, for some reason-maybe they don’t like the French), Oman, East Timor, Bhutan, Kyrgyz Stan, Turkmenistan, North Korea (yes, Squirrels have nukes!), Tajikistan, Cyprus, and Maldives. Well, I said included, but that’s all of them. Don’t complain; now you know where not to go!

Only the amazing defenders of all things not Evil Squirrel related, the Uber-Peanut Army (or Peanut Army for shortish) has stopped them from a more complete conquest. Yes, you read that right! Super Peanuts are at war with Evil Squirrels in order to stop them from taking over the world!

Not too long ago, in fact, the Squirrels were close to winning, but in what seemed like the end of all things non-Evil Squirrel related, new hope arose; the Great and Mighty Almost-All Powerful Orange Peanut!

Now, as you know (or at least I do) anything Orange (with a capitol O, that is) is magical. Now, in Orange Peanut, the O is most definitely capitol, so the logical conclusion is that Orange Peanut is magical, right? Of course it’s right! So, this Orange Peanut was a magical Super Peanut who rose to be the leader of the Peanut People and…um…uh…hmmm….*thinking of words*………laid the smack-down on those friggin’ Squirrels!

Well, he actually didn’t do it by himself, or with just him and his Peanut Army; he help from a Singing Cat named Juke (that is; Juke the Singing Cat), but that’s a REALLY long story, so for now we’ll just say he did it alone.

After he whooped the Squirrel Army’s ass, he began a top secret project (actually his scientists did, but it was really his idea). It was a really good plan, meant to make a super race of Peanuts. And guess what? It worked.

After three long years working, his scientist devised a plan to make all the Peanut People into Super Peanuts; they painted the entire populace of Peanut City (for security reasons I can’t tell where that is-never trust anyone!) Orange and changed their name’s from Peanut People to Orange Peanut People (the city was also called Orange Peanut City). Now that all the Peanuts were magical, the easily kept the Squirrels at bay, but failed to defeat them because the Squirrels had gained a new ally; Brussels-Sprouts!

I know Brussels-Sprouts aren’t Orange, but they ARE magically EVIL! I mean, they stink, they taste bad, and they give you really bad gas! Can’t much more magically evil than that, can you?

Well, enough un-important details (for now)! I really should get back to the history of the Orange Peanuts.

So anyway, the Orange Peanut People fought bravely (and magically) for many, many years. After many, many years, though, they decided that their name-Orange Peanut People-was way to long and ugly, so they shortened it to Orange Peanuts. That’s a lot better, huh?

Ever since then (which was a rather ling time ago) the Orange Peanuts have been fighting and dieing bravely to protect everything non-Evil Squirrel related.

So help the cause; if you see a squirrel that looks even mildly evil, kill the bitcher!

Tags: bitch, Capn YAR, paint, peanut, squirrel, ugly, war, work

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I have a question… Whats the difference between a bitch slap and a pimp smack? I mean if you bitch slap a person that means your slapping them cause they’re a bitch right?… Well if you pimp smack someone then your slapping them because they’re a bitch.. This is one of those questions that will go down as the greats.. right around… “Is I cannot belive its not butter.. butter actually in disguise?…”

Tags: butter, person, pimp, Sero, someone

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Ok, there is something i really do not get, thoes stupid plastic straws that come in colorful, fun-looking bags, then when you open them, it is just a bunch of cheap stupid CRAP!! I mean, you cant even drink with them, its just one of those things thats supposed to help you do something, but just really messes you up more than anything!! you see, whenever you stretch out the little bendy parts of it, it gets a hole in it, so being the stupid person that you are, you dont notice and you go about your business, doing whatever, while you try to slurp on your crap and grape juice gets

all over you!

so then when you write a complaint letter to the stupid company and they dont even bother to write back, because they have the whole “im better than you because i make colorful straws that dont work for a living, and you are just some idiot with grape juice on your shirt” kinda attitude!! stupid plastic straw thingys!!

Tags: attitude, ballsofcows, color, person, straw

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What the government doesn’t want you to know.

This is my conspiracy theory. it is really one year later than we think it is (so 2003=2004, 2004=2005, etc). this is because the millenium bug completely messed up the whole world and a load of really crazy stuff happened. roads exploded, cd’s flew around like frisbees, hi-fi’s started playing really bad music which in turn drove people insane. the government decide to drug everyone in the world (except themselves of course….you dunmb ass). anyway the goverment drugged everyone through food and water supply which made everyone sleep for a whole year. during this year the government poeple fixed all the crazy crap that was happening so that we could live normally. unfortunately, everyone pooped themselves many times over as a result of being asleep for so long. (yeah, come on. admit it. you pooped yourself). that was the only explanation i could come up with for crapping in my bed a few years back. PEACE.

Tags: bongy banganga, government, peace, theory, water

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It has come to my attention that the Blue Jay is a vile creature, a coward fiend that needs to be persecuted to the utmost extreme. It plagues the minds of men and woman alike. Invoking their most desires, letting them produce them to the most grandoise of ways, but when these plans come to costs and confrontation, the instinct of the Blue Jay will be invoked in them. They will run in fear of the confrontation. So it is the duty of Alan D. Gibson AKA Evil Hell Cow, to let people be aware of the dangers of this bird, and to make people aware these creatures are vile and selfish. They and all they stand for must be exterminated.

Tags: bird, cow, Evil Hell Cow, woman

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well, they get sent back to the factory, and they have to check to see if they have been tampered with (to see if the warranty is still valid) and if it is, then you get a whole pile of money (the government takes most away) and then they grind her up, and mix her in with all the ground up grandpas, and then they mold new ones, so other kids have them, that’s why you usually don’t see your grandparents too often, they are usually ground up in a factory somewhere, and then when you call up to ask if they want to stay over for dinner, they put a priority on that grandparent, then they mold a new one, and place a speaker in their teeth, (requires special care, code named “dentures”) this speaker system allows the grandparent actors to sound like your grandparent, when they are all done with the job, they grind up the grandparent again, and then they mold someone else’s grandparent…

Tags: dinner, factory, government, grandpa, money, teeth

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Recently it’s rumored a baby was born inside a giant daisy flower. He was wearing a tuxedo and top hat singing various 70s songs. Now this is very interesting. If this is true we could make more of medicine or money. Nah! Let’s just cut them down and make big factories that pollute. However the child was said to be very intelligent as a new born. He knew how to sing and dance. This baby even knew how do complicated math. Is he the next genius? We’ll find out. Now I would like to state that nobody heard or reported this story. Then again no one told us this didn’t happen so were assuming it did. Quite clever. When interviewed this child said the following…

“The press just creates your image, but you alone create it.”

By this we’ve realized he’s a very confused little boy. Nobody in show business makes who themselves. They pay people to do it for them. He’s got a lot to learn! Judging by the sun dial on my spectacles, this story has got to print.

Tags: baby, Flower

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“Extra Extra read all about it, Giant Apes take over Mars.”

According to Mr. Cream-eata-daz-low-fat this will be the headline in the year 3065. Cream-eata-daz-low-fat claims he made this prediction by reading a crossword puzzle upside down without his glasses. Although the predictor was not thinking at this time and had just hit himself in the head with a tree while summersaulting down a snowy hill we take this into consideration. I mean what if apes took over Mars and made it a great place to live. Also what if they became our friends and helped up with all our problems. We can’t stand for it! How do you expect up to let this happen? According to an eight-year-old we must do the chciken dance to stop these apes. So let us chicken dance. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! We shall chicken dance like no tomorrow. We shall have problems and not solve them. It’s the right thing to do. Now I’ve got a report with cobwebs all over it that Disco is..OVER! NOOOOO! I’ve got to go!

Tags: chicken, dance, friend, glasses, Mars, snow, sword

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The encounter between the Native Americans and the Europeans brought both good and bad situations. The good was that both cultures learned a lot from one another. The Europeans learned so much that it completely revolutionized its agriculture and economy. When the Natives introduced the Europeans to tobacco it changed the European economy forever. Tobacco along with other crops such as potatoes gave the European market whole new materials to trade with and sell it really helped blossom their economy. When the Natives were introduced to horses it completely changed how they traveled. It made Native more convenient by helping to move things, with the horses they got to places faster and it made hunting easier. Though a lot of good came from the Natives and Europeans meeting it didn’t last. After some time had past everything went downhill. Indians were beginning to be forced off their land, then invaders began destroying tribes and brutally killing and robbing innocent Indians. As the European explorers expanded more and more Indians were enslaved and killed. The whole collision of these two cultures turned from a collaborating friendship to a war for land and power. Many Europeans treated the natives badly but there were those like John Smith were kind to Natives and worked together with them. In the end the Natives were seen as people who were helpful but them became a diminutive problem, which need to be pushed aside or destroyed.

Tags: America

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Our system is the excretory system. The purpose of the system is to get rid of materials that the body doesn’t need anymore. It’s essential to do this because otherwise waste would get blocked up and eventually poison you. You will hear about how waste is gotten rid of by the body in this report.

For solid waste, you need to have waste products which could include undigested food, water, salt, skin cells, bacteria, bacterial waste and pigment. All these things come together and, as they go through the small intestine, these things get filtered from the things you need to live on. The waste products get pushed on to the large intestine and then exit the body. The brown color comes from bacteria breaking down other bacteria. Some diseases you could get in this system are diarrhea and the intestinal flu.

For liquid waste, blood goes through the kidneys and the kidneys filter out any waste products which is mostly extra water (99.8%), salts and urea. Liquid waste is made by the kidneys filtering blood and taking out any waste products. When the kidneys filter this, it filters down into the bladder which fills up like a balloon. Then nerves inside the bladder tell your brain that you better go pee right away. Your brain usually says, “no, don’t bother me now.” This delaying can go on for a little while, but then you will really need to go and you better find a place quick. Liquid waste is cleaner than the skin on your face and the spit in your mouth. That’s because it is not home to bacteria. Diseases you can get from liquid waste are . What this disease does is make your kidneys stop filtering blood and that will eventually kill you if you don’t get it treated. Another thing that can go wrong is if you have some kind of accident where one of your kidneys gets destroyed. In that case the other kidney gets bigger to accommodate that.

Tags: accident, balloon, blood, fartsinajar, mouth, poop, water

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