Category Archives: Other Junk

Random junk that doesn’t go anywhere else.

Things You’ll Never Hear In A Western Movie

“I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!”

“Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.”

“Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room.”

“Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!”

“Y’know, Badlands Pete… a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you ‘n’ me… what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?”

“Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican… that’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.”

“You ‘n’ Slim round up them strays, and I’ll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.”

“That’s him! That’s the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!”

“He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration.”

“Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?”

“It’s like I keep tellin’ ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge.”

“HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! …Okay, now a little to the left…..Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!”

Banana Math

You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain stuff like “one banana plus two bananas make three bananas”? Here’s a list of high school math courses based on bananas:

Algebra I – A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter).  Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.

Algebra I – B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using the quadratic formula.

Geometry
Prove: Bananas are not vegetables. Given: Bananas are fruits.

Algebra II
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns that their dreams will become reality if they only raise them to the fourth power.

Pre-Calculus
What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?

Calculus AB
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.

Calculus BC
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and also to find the area under the banana.

You Know You Are From A Small Town When…

You Know You Are From A Small Town When…

– The local phone book has only one yellow page.

– Third Street is on the edge of town.

– The “road hog” in front of you on Main Street is a farmer’s combine.

– You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it’s still there, on the same chair.

– You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going, anyway.

– No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

– You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

– Everyone knows all the news before it’s published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

– The McDonalds only has only one Golden Arch.

– A “Night on the Town” takes only 11 minutes.

– You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you’re from.

– Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.

– You can name everyone you graduated with.

– School gets canceled for state sporting events.

– Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

– Directions are given using “the” stop light as a reference

– It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

Ye Ald Bulletin Board

Courtesy of the “Wayback Machine” I’ve found the most current, browsable, version of the old Squackle Bulletin Board that I have many fond memories of.

If you’d like to take a look, here it is:

http://web.archive.org/web/20061127051009/www.squackle.com/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.cgi

It makes me want to make another forum, but I don’t think anyone would even join it.  So maybe later.

Not all the forums and pages are viewable, it seems.  But oh well.  I do have all the posts stored away somewhere, but I don’t think I’ll be able to convert them into something more modern since its a few years old.

Foodland’s Top Ten Movie Stars

Cheryl Lard

Rabbit Redford

Goldie Hen

Lauren Bagel

Barbra Streisandwich

Vincent Slice

Jane Fondue

Ingrid Burgerman

Pea Marvin

Beet Midler

And their favorite comics of all time:

Peter Fork

Bread Buttons

Joan Livers

David Steinburger

Lico-Rich Little

Phyllis Dill-Pickle

Bean Martin and Cherry Lewis

A Ghost’s TV Schedule

7 A.M.: Good Moan-ing America! on A-Boo-C

8 A.M.: Ghoul-igans Island

9 A.M.: Father Knows Beast

10 A.M.: Name That Tomb

11 A.M.: Squeal of Fortune

12 P.M.: Noose at Noon

1 P.M.: The Newly-dead Game

2 P.M.: The Broody Bunch

3 P.M.: Bury Manilow Spe-chill

6 P.M.: Entertainment Tomb-night

7 P.M.: Groaning Pains

8 P.M.: Dead of the Class

9 P.M.: Boonanza

10 P.M.: St. Else-scare

12 A.M.:  Late Night with David Lettermoan