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You Know Your Marriage Is on the Rocks If…

- You say to your mate, “I love you,” and you get a reply of, “So do I.”

- You don’t bother to wear your wedding band because it turns your finger green.

- Your husband celebrates your anniversary by going out with the boys.

- You’d rather play bridge with the girls than spend a quiet night at home with your husband.

- You go to the drive-in with your mate and spend two hours just watching the movie.

Tags: bridge, finger, girl, husband, love, marriage, movie, wedding

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There are many reasons why people have plastic surgery and we offer some of them here:

- You meet “Big Foot” in the woods and he faints when he sees you.

- You’re not allowed in the zoo because you scare the animals.

- An organ grinder offers you a job as his monkey.

- Your teacher makes you sit facing the back of the room.

- A cop gives you a ticket for being criminally ugly.

Tags: animal, monkey, plastic surgery, teacher, ticket, ugly, zoo

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What is confidence, you want to know?  Well…confidence is:

- Going to the race track for the first time in your life and betting every penny you have on a 50 to 1 shot.

- Walking through Central Park at night and carrying your life savings in your wallet.

- Spending all your savings on a huge luxury car because you’re the gas shortage won’t last.

- Telling a mugger armed with a gun that you won’t give him your money and he can’t make you.

- Mailing the only copy of a book it took you five years to write to a publisher without putting a return address on the envelope.

- Having an argument with the Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World and daring him to lay a hand on you.

Tags: boxing, car, confidence, envelope, money, race, wallet

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To call up a scuba diver, just dial…1-800-H20

To call up a star baseball player, just dial…1-800-RBI

Tags: baseball, scuba diver, telephone

(-1 Luvz)

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9:00 – Saved by the Phone Bell

10:00 – Sesa-it’s-for-me! Street

11:00 – Movie of the Week: The Call-Waiting of the Wild

12:00 – Movie of the Month: He’s Not Home Alone Right Now, II

1:00 – Cartoon: Chip ‘n Dial Rescue Rangers

2:00 – Life-dials of the Rich and Famous

3:00 – Lambchop’s Play-a-long Distance

4:00 – Read-ding-a-ling-a-ling Rainbow

5:00 – Rom-per-son-to-person Room

6:00 – Nightly Busy-ness Report

7:00 – Fresh Prince of Bell-Air

8:00 – Phe-wrong-nom-ber

9:00 – Saturday Night Live Wire

10:00 – Hangin’ Up on Mr. Cooper

Tags: movie, telephone, television

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How to Avoid Long Phone Calls by Xavier Breath

Can You Dial Direct? by Fred I. Kant

Is This Phone Call Over? by Midas Wellby

Calling the Barnyard by Tobias A. Pigg

Midnight Phone Calls by Eliza Wake Now

Tags: book, telephone

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Love Rocket – The Captain tricks his passengers into taking space-walks without lifelines.  Different cast each week.

Star Ick! – Story of a space doctor who is all thumbs!  Not for the squeamish.

Hidden Camera – Secret cameras in the Black Hole photograph darkness.  No plot.  Restful on the eyes.

Six Dollar Man – CHeap computerized humanoid spends each week wondering when his transistors are going to short out.

M*U*S*H – Medical unit during foolish war on strange planet.  Wounded robots keep reassembling themselves.  Doctors feel unwanted.

Merv Graffiti – Talk show.  Interviews with space creatures and a talking pet rock.  Dull.  Rock is lousy conversationalist.

Eight Is Too Much – Dad has problems trying to raise eight space creatures while orbiting the Earth in a rocket with only one bathroom.

Mook & Cindy – Female from Earth lands on weird planet and moves in with space creature.

Fantasy Planet – Dull fantasies.  Everybody wishes they were back on Earth!

Mary Tyler Less – Hilarious adventures of a career girl on a Space Station.  Will the boss give her a raise?  Or will she just drift in space?  Who cares?

The Zonic Woman – Adventures of a female humanoid whose voice is programmed so loud she causes a zonic boom wherever she goes.  People are glad when she leaves.  And then–BOOM!

For more listings, read TV Glutton Magazine.

Tags: alien, space, television

(-1 Luvz)

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Lassie’s Comet
A Star With a Tail

Astronauts
Out to Launch!

Explore the sun!
Go at night!

Skylab fell
Due to lack of support

Planet MacDonald’s Has
Golden Arch

Space Food Causes Empty Feeling

Moon Fell–
Beams gave way

Space Food
In a few light years, you’re hungry again!

Tags: asteroid, food, graffiti, Lassie, moon, space

(-1 Luvz)

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Strike Three – by U.R. Out

Last-Inning Cliffhangers – by D. Bases, R. Loaded

Last-Second Touchdown – by Justin Time

Interception – by E. Bluitt

The Referee Is Always Right – by R.U. Nuts

Sports Medicine – by Frank N. Stein

The Washington Redskins – by T.P. Dweller

Great Basketball Plays – by Jim Shoes

Improve Your Foul Shooting – by Mr. Completely

Basketball Bloopers – by Dub L. Dribble

Calisthenics – by Stan Dupp and Neil Down

Skateboard Hotdogging – by Frank Furter

Ice Hockey for Beginners – by I.M. Freezin

Hockey Plays – by I.C. Tose

Bowling Strikes – by M.T. Lane

Boxing Knockouts – by Seymour Stars

Tags: baseball, basketball, book, bowling, boxing, football, hockey, skateboard, sports

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1. “Can I help you clean your room?”

2. “You decide what movie we go to.  You have much better taste!”

3. “I don’t like hanging around with your friends.  They’re much too sophisticated for me.”

4. “Can I finish your lima beans?”

5. “Here’s your sweater back.  I had it cleaned before I returned it.”

6. “You don’t have to entertain me while Mom and Dad are out.  I’ll go up to my room and read a book by myself.”

7. “You take the biggest piece of pie.  I’m too full!”

8. “I’ll be happy to lend you ten dollars.  Pay it back whenever you can.”

9. “Can I do your math homework for you tonight?  I don’t have much to do.”

10. “It wasn’t your fault.  It was all my fault.”

11. “I saw you were on the phone, so I decided to be silent.”

12. “Why don’t you wear my new Springsteen sweatshirt? It looks better on you!”

13. “Betcha I can wash and dry the supper dishes all by myself!”

14. “You sit in the front seat.”

15. “I started the fight.  You didn’t!”

Tags: brother, Bruce Springsteen, dishes, fight, homework, math, money, pie, sister

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There’s always someone around to blame for starting all the fights!

You’re not the only one who won’t eat the cauliflower!

When you catch a cold or the flu, there’s someone to share it with!

There are more birthdays to celebrate, and more presents that your brothers and sisters will be delighted to share with you!

There’s always someone around who can keep a secret from your mother – at least until she gets home from the store!

Your room is not the only one in the house that looks as if it was in the path of a hurricane!

There’s always someone dying to tell you the end of the movie you’re about to see so you don’t have to waste your time being surprised!

There’s always someone around to help you develop a sense of humor about yourself by teasing you all the time.

There’s always someone else in the house who votes for watching The Monkees instead of the six-o’clock news, so your dad is outvoted again!

There’s someone else who will break your best toys so you don’t have to feel bad that you did it yourself!

There are always interesting phone conversations to pretend you’re not listening to!

There’s someone to gobble up all the cookies and candy in the house before you can get to them or you don’t have to worry about your teeth rotting!

When Mom and Dad are yelling, it isn’t always about YOU!

You’re not the only one who won’t eat liver!

There’s always someone around to fight with so you don’t have to fight with your friends!

Tags: birthday, brother, candy, cookie, liver, movie, sister, toy

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The ones you’re always tripping over when you’re trying to do your homework, and the ones who can’t be found anywhere when you feel like a game of catch!

The ones who think it’s hilarious to pick up the phone extension and hiccup while you’re talking to a friend!

The ones who borrow your best white sweater, and when they return it, it’s your best black sweater!

The ones who can’t explain how peanut butter got in your hairbrush!

The ones who can’t explain how your hairbrush got into their room.

The ones who keep their rooms clean and as neat as a pin because they spend all their time in yours!

The ones who think it’s fun to tease you all day long about your new haircut.  Then when you tease them back, they cry!

The ones you have to find a bathroom for when there isn’t a bathroom within twenty miles!

The ones who somehow can’t find anything else to do but sit next to you when your friends come over!

The ones who have no idea how all those grasshoppers got under your pillow!

The ones who, whenever your friends come over, think it’s a riot to call you by your totally embarrassing middle name.

The ones who eat the last slice of chocolate cake when you’ve had your eye on it for hours!

The ones who save their allowance until it adds up to a fortune, while you’ve spent every penny you ever had!

The ones who magically become invisible when someone has to walk the dog on a rainy day.

The ones who don’t get caught making silly faces at the dinner table.

The ones who always know how to make you laugh when you’re drinking so that you get a quart of milk up your nose!

The ones who want to watch reruns of Gilligan’s Island when you want to watch the baseball play-offs.

Tags: baseball, bathroom, dinner, hairbrush, hiccup, money, peanut butter, sweater, telephone

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1. …you’re the first to leave.  And it’s your party.

2. …all the refreshments are pink and red to match the valentine theme.

3. …they show a movie in the middle of the party, and the star is a big purple dinosaur.

4. …the invitation says “dance party,” and everyone is dressed in pink leotards and ballet slippers.

5. …after waiting all night for the really cute guy or girl to ask you to dance, you have to say “NO!” because you have to get home before curfew.

6. …you’re forced to play musical chairs all night, even at the dinner table.

Tags: party, Valentines Day

(-1 Luvz)

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1. I’m crazy for you…but I’m also crazy about the werewolf!

2. You’re good looking in a way…far, far away!

3. You have a face like a saint…a Saint Bernard!

4. You’re the kind you have to look at twice…the first time you just don’t believe it!

Tags: dog, face, Valentines Day, werewolf

(-1 Luvz)

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10. They don’t know the number for the corner pizza take-out.

9. All the good salad bars are closed at night.

8. Bodies don’t have expiration dates.

7. The cannibals are convinced bodies taste like chicken.

6. They watched Alive! too many times.

5. Eating bodies is their solution to the lack of burial plot space.

4. They believe bodies work better than Metamucil.

3. They decided they need more protein in their diet.

2. Bodies are high in fiber and contain no preservatives.

1. They get carried away by the idea that "You are what you eat."

Tags: cannibal, metamucil, movie, pizza, salad

(-1 Luvz)

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