Category Archives: (C) Misogyny Jokes

Joke #18483

My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.

“The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don’t want to put up with it,” she explained.

Taking her mother’s hand in hers, my friend’s daughter said sweetly, “I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you’re not exactly carry-on yourself.”

Joke #18478

Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague.  We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband’s favorites. “I’ve finally been able to make them sweet,” she said, “but how do you make them orange?”

Woman’s Dictionary

– Yes = No.

– No = Yes.

– Maybe = No.

– I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.

– We need = I want.

– It’s your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.

– Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

– We need to talk = I need to complain.

– Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.

– I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron.

– This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

– I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.

– I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

– Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

– How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.

– I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

– You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

– Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.

Joke #18440

A well-to-do young man met a beautiful young woman at an exclusive party and was immediately smitten with her. He took her on the town and eventually to his apartment where he discovered she was not only a beautiful woman, but also well-groomed, cultured and very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he offered her a glass of wine and asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry.

“Oh, Sherry,” she said, “by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the Gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.  When that gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion…

“On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

Joke #18439

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.

Joke #18432

“Do you remember first meeting your wife?”

“Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I’d never allow her near the gutter again.”

“Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.”

“Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.”

Joke #18423

After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the “Are you going to park there?” look.

His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn’t want the space.

“You must be single,” he replied. “If you were married, you would’ve known that was the universal sign for ‘Go ahead and take the spot.  I’m waiting for my wife.'”

Joke #18396

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.

“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Joke #18080

My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los Angeles Dodgers one night.

Our seats were right behind the third-base line. At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball.

Miraculously, I managed to catch it on the fly.

As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turns to me and says… “That was nice! How many of those do you get a game?”