Category Archives: (C) Religious Jokes

Joke #18639

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a Farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?”

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”

“You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you a Christian?”

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, “Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.”

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, “Are you lost?”

“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.

“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”

Thinking he had accomplished something, the young Preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day!”

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days!”

Joke #18609

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

“You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”

“Easy,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language!”

Joke #18606

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

Joke #18604

Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey God’s command and go forth and multiply.

“Well,” said Noah. “I’ll have to ask the Lord what to do about that.” And so he prayed to God and said, “These snakes won’t go forth and multiply”

And God said, “Don’t worry. Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform.”

“But how will that help the snakes?” asked Noah.

“Easy,” replied God, “Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!”

Joke #18592

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.  The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when  e noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get Him, my little friend?”

The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”

“And why did you take him?”

The boy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.”

Joke #18585

A dog followed his master to school.  His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.

However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child’s classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.

Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, “Don’t feel bad fella’…they won’t let ME in either.”

Joke #18546

He was a young Pastor, and as usual, he was running late getting into town…. and he was speeding.

Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only to see the lights of the Highway Patrol! Already late for church and figuring he’d try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers license.

Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, “You’re a Reverend huh?” The young Pastor affirmed that.

The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, “Well, Reverend; your speedometer runneth over.”

As the trooper handed him the ticket and started to walk away, his last comment was, “Oh, by the way…. the Bible on the dash…. nice touch.”

Joke #18499

It was a small town and the Catholic Priest, the Protestant Minister and the Jewish Rabbi were very good friends. Of course, there was a lot of kidding and joking between them all year long.

To their surprise one year, the Priest and the Minister received a Christmas card from the Rabbi. It read:

Roses are reddish,

Violets are bluish,

When the Messiah really comes,

You’ll wish you were Jewish.

Joke #18497

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: “Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: “Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

Joke #18494

At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign of the cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and the blessing, after which the congregation responded, “And also with you.”

One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest appeared to be having difficulty with the sound system during the singing of the entrance hymn. At the conclusion of the song, the priest said, “There seems to be something wrong with the mic.”

The congregation automatically responded, “And also with you.”

Joke #18446

Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.

When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johnny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating…

“If I can’t eat, I won’t pay!”

Joke #18422

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, “Hoover!” under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occured & Fr. Murphy’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! “Praise be to God!”

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. “HOOVER!”

By this time, his opponent couldn’t withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said “Hoover”.

“It’s the biggest dam I know.” he replied.

Joke #18415

When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”

Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (1 Corinthians 7:38)

Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: “Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage.”