The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, “Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side.”
“Oh, I’m fine,” she answered. “It’s just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little.”
“Well, that’s good,” I said, feeling relieved.
“Yeah,” she continued. “It’s strange. He normally sleeps during your class.”
A hesitant driver, waiting for traffic to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp.
Shortly, the traffic thinned out but the driver still waited.
Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, “Hey, you jerk! The sign says ‘Yield’, not surrender!”
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, “Excuse me. Aren’t you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?”
“Yes, I am,” he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, “Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?”
“I’m not sure about that,” she replied, “but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar.”
He was a young Pastor, and as usual, he was running late getting into town…. and he was speeding.
Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only to see the lights of the Highway Patrol! Already late for church and figuring he’d try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers license.
Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, “You’re a Reverend huh?” The young Pastor affirmed that.
The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, “Well, Reverend; your speedometer runneth over.”
As the trooper handed him the ticket and started to walk away, his last comment was, “Oh, by the way…. the Bible on the dash…. nice touch.”
My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson.
As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, “Turn left here, and don’t forget to let the people behind you know what you’re doing.”
Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced, “I’m going left.”
My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (4) and Hannah (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”
My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.
Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”
Dad replied “Maybe.”
Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”
Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit.
I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived. “Isn’t it good?” I asked.
She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, “Mom, it’s beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator.”
One day a child at my four-year-old’s preschool class told her classmates that she needed a ‘damp towel.’
Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, “If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?”
A little girl blurted out, “She means she wants that towel right now!”
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
“Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box.”
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
“What is it with guys that they won’t replace the toilet paper?!” I raged.
“I know,” he said, nodding in agreement. “I noticed that when I was in there earlier.”
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I’ve got a problem, Doc. Sometimes I dream that I’m a teepee and sometimes I dream that I’m a wigwam. Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee… I need help!”
“I know what your problem is,” said the doctor. “You need to relax…you’re two tents!”
I met this guy the other day and I noticed he was wearing a huge watch with all sorts of little dials on it.
“Wow,” I said. “That’s one hell of a watch.”
“Thanks, it’s a divers watch,” he informed. “It’s waterproof to up to 500 meters, it won’t corrode, never needs batteries or winding…it’s the best divers watch money can buy.”
“Huh,” I said. “You dive?”
“No,” he said as a fearful look came over his face. “I hate the water.”
A wife and husband buy a single gravestone (presumably an act of mutual marital faith).
The husband passes away “before his time” and the wife, after a few years, falls in love again and remarries. Where shall she be buried?
The solution was cremation. She could be cremated and put next to both husbands, which, of course, would make her diurnal.
Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.
“Honey,” said a woman behind me, “I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve.”
The man in front of me piped up… “You’d better get used to it now. Once those young ones get on your nerves, they can stay there till they’re 18.”
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
“Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?'” she asked.
“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”
“Is that a record?” she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”