Category Archives: Jokes

The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!

What NOT to Put on a Resume

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume:

– Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.

– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

– My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

– Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

– Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.

– I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

– I am a rabid typist.

– Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.

– Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.

– I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.

– References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

– Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.

– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

– I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.

– Qualifications: No education or experience.

– Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.

– Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!

Joke #18635

The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to never completely disrobe in front of her husband when retiring for decorum’s sake.

One night, six weeks after the wedding, the husband said to his bride, “Is there any insanity in your family?”

“Why, no,” she said. “Why do you ask?”

“I was merely wondering,” said he, “why you haven’t taken your hat off since we’ve been married?”

Joke #18633

While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store.

On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.

“Oh, you’ll be fine,” he said, waving of his hand. “If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke.”

Joke #18629

In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer’s home.

The woman very specifically said, “From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox.”

As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, “What color is your house?”

The woman paused a second and said, “Hold on. I’ll go check.”

Joke #18628

Not that my wife’s the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.

As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, “Oh, Mrs. Moore, I’m so happy to meet you.  I’m your husband’s new secretary.”

Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, “Oh, Really? WERE you?”

Joke #18626

A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.

“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.”

“What about your wife?” the friend asked. “What did you buy her?”

“A new lawn mower,” the golfer said.

Joke #18625

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest celebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to sing louder and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing that the Sheriff’s men might hear the band celebrate, dragged the friar into the woods and threw him in the river… but Tuck climbed out without missing a note.

The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water, but you cannot make him hoarse.

Joke #18624: Chili Tester

“Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer and therefore know and adored by all.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.


Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably behind her back they call her “Forklift.”

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled… it’s kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they’ll know what killed me.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

CAMERON: Momma…

Joke #18623

No doubt about it, the new temp didn’t have a clue about computers. Since part of her job was directing calls to our technical support department, I gave her simple instructions: “When people call with computer problems, always ask which operating system they’re using — Windows, Macintosh or UNIX.”

Later, she handed a technician this phone message…”Call immediately. Customer has problem with eunuchs.”

10 Characteristics of the Company Car

– Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

– Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

– Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

– The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

– It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

– It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

– The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

– Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

– It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

– It is especially sand and waterproof for barbecues and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.