Category Archives: Jokes

The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!

Joke #18651

Desperate for a unique Halloween costume for an up-coming party, my friend, Jessica had an inspired idea.

She put on a slinky dress and fishnet stockings, and then balanced a small table-top on her head. Affixed to it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts.

She went as a ‘one night stand’……and won first prize!

Joke #18650

Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. “I’m going to be the Pope,” he said.

“Jake, you can’t be the Pope,” I said. “You’re not Catholic. You’re Lutheran.”

Jake hadn’t thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked,

“Is Dracula a Lutheran?”

Joke #18649

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city.

One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”

“Two days ago.”

“Hm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer.”

“What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”

“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”

“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”

“He’s taking every penny I make.”

“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”

“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”

“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”

“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”

Joke #18647

The pastor of a local church was wearing his clerical collar while visiting his wife who was in the hospital for minor surgery. He stopped in to see her and chatted with her for quite some time. Before leaving, he leaned down and gave his wife a great passionate kiss and left the room.

The woman in the next bed over stared in disbelief. After the pastor left, the stunned woman spoke to her roommate, “You know, I’ve been a faithful member of my church all my life, but my pastor has never even come close to treating me as well as yours does!”

Joke #18646

Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice.  The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!

Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet.

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Harry, “What should we do?”

“I’m not sure.” said his partner. “But don’t move him! If we just leave him here he’s an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty.”

Joke #18645

My father was extremely nervous about his first funeral service as a Navy chaplain, but the undertaker assured him that he would prompt him. All went well until, at the close, the undertaker whispered to him to instruct the family to come up and view the body.

“Will the family now come forward and pass around the bier,” said my father.

He cringed inwardly when he heard his own words. Later, as my father was leaving, he overheard two of the cemetery workers talking. “I didn’t get any beer,” one said. “Did you?”

“You heard the chaplain,” the other replied. “It was just for the family.”

What Your Pet Name Really Means

What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here’s what his pet name for you *really* means…..

Darling – Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he’s probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear – Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart – If it’s said patronizingly, it’s not so sweet.  But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe – Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he’s a 70s throwback. He’s a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he’s got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll – This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter.  He doesn’t want you to grow up, and obviously can’t deal with real women.

Princess – Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you’re being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.

Sexy – Fine if you’re sexy. If you’re not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!

My girlfriend – He’s honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he’ll be using your name!

The wife – If you’re married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you’re not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half – You complete the set – he’s only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.

The missus – See The Wife.

My partner – He’s right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other – He’s even more right on. Probably thinks it’s cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.

She who must be obeyed – He thinks you’re a nag, but probably doesn’t lift a finger around the house.

Joke #18639

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a Farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?”

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”

“You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you a Christian?”

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, “Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.”

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, “Are you lost?”

“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.

“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”

Thinking he had accomplished something, the young Preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day!”

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days!”

Joke #18638

One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen.  Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.

She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps. She realized at once that it was the milkman since the arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen. So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made it just in time.

The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.

For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, “Sorry, I was expecting the milkman.”