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Jokes

Joke #5200: Devout Catholic

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Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children…and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later…and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, “At last…they’re finally together.” A man standing next to him asks, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?”

“No,” the priest says politely, “I mean her LEGS.”

Jokes

Joke #5199: Hell is Fun

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One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.

Demon: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequilai Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab… we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. And if you drink yourself to death, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!

Guy: No shit!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before…

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…

Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!

Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin’ place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays…

Jokes, (C) Sports Jokes

Joke #1: They Beat Me

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There’s a kid in divorce court, and the judge asks the kid, “Who do you want to live with?”

The kid says, “Neither.”

The judge asks, “why?”

The kid says, “because they beat me!”

Then the judge asks, “Who do you want to live with?”

The kid says, “The Chicago Bears, because they don’t beat anyone!”

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Another variation of this joke:

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and ended up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents.

When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said “No, I can’t live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly.”

“Okay,” said the judge, “Then you want to live with your mother, right?”

“No way!” replied baby bear, “She beats me worse than Poppa bear does.”

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn’t quite know what to do. “Well, you have to live with someone, so are there any relatives you would like to stay with?”

“Yes,” answered baby bear, “my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago.”

“You’re sure she will treat you well and won’t beat you?” asked the judge.

“Oh certainly,” said baby bear, “The Chicago Bears don’t beat anybody.”