This goose walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, buddy, your pants are down!”
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
“Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter. The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”
“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart, “I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!”
Bill Gates my father is not.
As church treasurer, he had two files, one labeled “St. Mary’s Income” and one labeled “St. Mary’s Expenditures.”
While copying them from a Macintosh to a PC, he had no idea the PC would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces, and replace apostrophes with periods.
Now the church’s income is stored in “St.Mary.sin” and expenses in “St.Mary.sex.”
While I was serving as a chief master sergeant at Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, La., my son and namesake was also serving there.
His two month old son, whose name was the same as ours, was receiving medical treatments at the base hospital.
I went on sick call one morning, and as the doctor reviewed my file, he looked at me in disbelief. “Are you Curtis E. Chaffin?” he asked. When I answered yes, he told me, “It says here that you turn blue when you cry.”
Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor.
He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, “No, Johnny, you can’t eat that now it has germs.”
Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, “Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus – that’s all I ever hear about and I haven’t seen one of ’em yet!”
A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide.
It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.
They’re going to call it: “Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar”
After a long day of shopping, my mother and I stopped at a grocery store. I ran in to pick up a few things, leaving her in the car. As I approached the checkout I was surprised to see my mother there waiting for me.
“Mom,” I said, “what are you doing in here? I left the motor running.”
“It’s all right, dear,” she replied reassuringly. “I locked the doors.”
One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.
She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.
The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.
A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them missed their old home.
That December, when they went to pick up their first-grade son from school, his teacher told them about a conversation she overheard.
One boy said, “We’re Catholic, and we are going to Christmas Mass.”
“Were Jewish,” said another child. “And we’re going to have a Hanukkah celebration.”
Madison chimed in, “We’re Texans, and were going to have a barbecue.”
Shortly after Sonny Bono’s untimely demise, I was having a drink with my friend Harry, a highly respected superior court judge.
He mentioned that his father had been Sonny and Cher’s chief publicist, and had stayed with Sonny after the couple’s domestic and professional breakup.
He said that Sonny had been quite bitter after the split, and had instructed his dad to cut up all the existing publicity photos so that only Sonny’s picture remained. I observed that he had done remarkably well despite his humble beginnings.
“I don’t understand,” he puzzled. I explained: “Considering the fact that you were raised the son of a Cher cropper.”
Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators.
They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you’re at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
The bureau of prisons just announced the release of a serial bank robber who had looted over 30 banks before his capture.
The parole board says he is completely rehabilitated and has found employment at his home in Prague.
Yes, that is correct. They were able to right a bad czech.
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.
She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck’s path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman’s side to see if she was all right.
“I’m fine,” she assured me, “but if that dog hadn’t honked…”
LONDON – What’s the old saying…I don’t know if it’s art, but I like it!
A cleaning lady at London’s Tate Britain art gallery clearly didn’t know the creation she was throwing away was art…but we can hardly blame her because what she was throwing away was trash.
German artist Gustav Metzger’s work consisted of cardboard and paper wrapped in a plastic see-through trash bag.
When the cleaning lady came in at night and saw a bag of trash sitting on the floor she threw it in the dumpster.
Imagine the artist’s chagrin when he came in the next morning and found his ‘piece’ missing. But all’s well that ends well. The trash was dug out of the trash and put back on display, only a little worse for wear.