Is my wife fat? Let me put it this way. I never put a ring around a tub until we got engaged.
“I’ve got the best wife a married man could have,” boasted the old-timer.
To which his friend replied, “Oh, you’re a widower too?”
Your momma is like a TV, even a two-year-old can turn her on.
MR. WHITE: “My wife is an angel!”
MR. BLACK: “Gosh! You are lucky. Mine is still living.”
There’s only one thing about my mother-in-law that I don’t like. She’s still breathing!
My mother-in-law is so overweight, her rolls of fat come in a baker’s dozen.
There was this Chinese gentleman who left a loaf of rye in front of an idol.
It was a case of bread and Buddha.
At a perfume counter of a department store, a man said to a woman clerk, “It’s for my wife — do you have any perfume that smells like money?”
Midgets are the only people who don’t mind being in debt up to their ears.
DOCTOR: “Miss Smith, contrary to what you seem to think, you do not get Hong Kong flu from eating contaminated Chow Mein.”
I told my doctor I’m the first man on the face of the earth to suffer from morning sickness. When I wake up in the morning and see my wife in curlers and face cream, I get sick to my stomach.
“My boyfriend is too materialistic,” Sandy complained to Sue. “He only loves me because I’m beautiful.”
“Then why don’t you break up with the creep?” Sue suggested.
“What!” cried Sandy. “And blow a chance at marrying the richest guy in town!”
OVERHEARD: “My wife not only has kept her girlish figure, she has doubled it.”
A bachelor was finding it hard to decide whether he should marry a very beautiful but stupid girl or a rather plain-looking creature who was blessed with a magnificent voice. Art triumphed. He married the soprano.
The morning after the nuptials he woke up, took one look at his sleeping bride, nudged her and shrieked, “For heaven’s sake, sing!”
There was a girl who dropped her diver boyfriend because she couldn’t get him to give her a pearl out of an oyster. So she started dating older gentlemen and ended up getting a diamond out of an old crab.