Category Archives: Squackle Broadcasting Company

TV/movie/commercial scripts.

Gay Spray

(a guy wearing a pink dress gets fucked by another guy on a purple sofa. You can hear n’sync music in the background.)

guy wearing a dress: this is a swingin’ beat, steve!

other guy: yeah, george…I mean Jane.

(They have sex for a few more seconds)

George/Jane: uh oh…

Steve: what is it?

George/Jane: I feel like i’m becoming straight again!

Steve: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

George/Jane: quick! Pass me the Gay Spray!

(George/Jane gets the Gay Spray and he sprays it)

George/Jane: Whew! i’m gay again!

(They both stand up)

Both: Gay Spray! For people who want to be gay, but aren’t! Just one spray of this stuff and you will be gayer then n’sync!

(they have sex some more)

(end)

Anti-Anxiety – The Control for Anxiety

davepoobond: Hello, my name is davepoobond, and I’m here to tell you about my new product, Anti-Anxiety – The Control for Anxiety. This Anti-Anxiety medicine is very easy to take. All you have to do is pick up a box from a pharmacy. You don’t have to have a prescription to take this medicine, since you can’t be legally diagnosed for having anxiety. You know when you have it, and if you have too much to bare, Anti-Anxiety can help you get it down and make you feel better. The Anti-Anxiety medicine is in a powder-form in packets so you can put it in a drink and drink it. They are carefully measured out, and you should not have more than one at a time, but who’s stopping you? After two days of not feeling any better, you can take it again and keep repeating that pattern for up to two weeks. If you don’t feel any better from the anxiety, stop using it, it won’t do any good for you, or don’t we don’t care wink wink. This medicine is FDA approved, so you don’t have to worry about it being bad wink wink.

The Jester Guild Union

Jester: HELLO EVERYONE! ARE YOU A PSYCHOTIC MANIAC OR JUST PLAIN LIKE TO ANNOY PEOPLE CONSTANTLY AND ENJOY IT???? DO U FEEL THAT THERE IS “JUST NO PLACE” FOR YOU? THEN YOU’RE ELIGIBLE TO JOIN THE JESTERS GUILD UNION!

 

Mr.: the who?

 

Jester: THE JESTER GUILD UNION!!!!!!!

 

Mr.: oh, what do u do?

 

Jester: YES! I’M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION! WE GO AROUND AND ANNOY PEOPLE FOR ROYALTY, LIKE THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND AND SHIT! DO YOU KNOW THAT WEENIE, TERRORSAUR?

 

Mr.: uh…..sure…

 

Jester: HIS NAME IS “MR. CHIZEL BOTTOMS!!!!” THATS REALLY HIS GIVEN NAME, BY BIRTH! SO, EVERYBODY CALL HIM THAT! WE’RE SO FUNNY AND STUPID, WE CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT KINDA SHIT! IF YOU ARE A STUPID IDIOT OR A HOBO OUT ON THE STREET, YOU SHOULD JOIN THIS GUILD UNION AND GAIN BENEFITS SUCH AS:

 

Life Insurance – for those “special occasions” that someone will jump out of a tree and shoot you with a shotgun

Dental Insurance – needed for those “special occasions” when people punch you, a lot

Company Car – an Oldsmobile, because Oldsmobiles are annoying, just like you!

And much more!

 

Announcer guy: remember folks! if you’re annoying and/or psychotic, call 1-800-ANNOOYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We’ll protect you from going back to the looney bin, with our ultra special lawyers!

 

(a lawyer dressed up as a clown talking in German, is waving a briefcase)

(end)

Ghostwroter Episode 1

(theme song)

Jump: Hellooooo!

 

Everyone else: Hello hello hello!

 

Ghostwroter (flies through the air): Whoosh!

 

Hop: Now its time

 

Skip: To say hello,

 

Gallop: Hi,

 

Run: Ollah!

 

Walk: Moo!

 

Jump: We’re a bunch of losers, with no families,

 

Hop: That’s why we have the gift, of talking to a big green glob that flies!

 

Skip: As well as poos-

 

Gallop: And pees!

 

Run: Peas not peeeeees!

 

(Everyone starts punching each other, a big title appearing over their heads. They stop and jump, screaming)

 

Everyone: GHOSTWROTER!!!

 

(Ghostwroter flies across the screen revealing the episode’s name)

 

Don’t Go To Austrailia!

 

Jump: Hey, guys

 

Everyone else: Hi, Jump!

 

Ghostwroter (flies through the air) spells out: Helloooo!

 

Jump: I’m sorry guys, I have to move to Austrailia with my parents…

 

Skip (patting Jump on the back): Its ok, Jump. I understand…can I have your money?

 

Hop: Wait a minute! *I* want his money!

 

Gallop: What are you guys talking about? We’re all piss broke, and he doesn’t even have parents!! (points at Jump, accusingly)

 

Jump (looking around): Um um um um um um um…

 

Gallop: We live in the same cardboard box, together!

 

Jump: That’s it! You die NOW!!

 

(Jump jumps after Gallop, but he gallops away)

 

Jump: I hate my name, I always have to jump wherever I go because of it

 

Ghostwroter spells out: Its ok, Jump. Write me a message!

 

Jump: Ok…

 

(Jump writes “You SUCK” on the floor)

 

Jump: THERE! Ya HAPPY?! I don’t see why we have a green glob instead of a FUCKING HOUSE!

 

Skip: He’s cute, that’s why

 

(Jump blinks a few times)

 

Jump: He doesn’t have a fuckin’ face!!!

 

Run: So?

 

Walk: I still love him!

 

(Walk hugs Ghostwroter)

 

Everyone except Jump: Awwww!!

 

Jump (smacks his head): How’d I get stuck with you losers, anyhow?

 

Run: Remember? Our parents were all seperated at birth and then when they had us they all said “we don’t like children” so they dumped us in a cardboard box in New York with Ghostwroter. Plus, we got these nifty pens!

 

(Run waves the pen he has in the air)

 

Jump (looking at his own pen): ………………………………………………………………oh yeah………..

 

Run: I’m hungry, what do we have in our pickle jar?

 

Gallop: Well, we have a parrot’s head, a calculator and a street sign

 

Run: I’ll take the street sign

 

(Gallop gives him the street sign and Run starts eating it)

 

Walk: Ok, we have to find a way to find out whether we’re girls or boys

 

Jump: I know I’m a boy

 

Ghostwroter spells out: I’m a glob

 

Walk: I’m a girl

 

Gallop: I’m a boy

 

Run: I’m a boy

 

Skip: I’m a girl

 

Hop: I’m a bisexual transvestite

 

(everyone looks at Hop)

 

Hop (looking from side to side): What? oh…I’m a girl……yeah, that’s it

 

Jump: Ok

 

Gallop: So, how about them Dodgers?

 

Walk: We live in New York

 

Run: So?

 

Walk: They’re in LA………

 

Gallop: THEY GOT TRADED!?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

Ghostwroter spells out: Hahahahahahahahahaha

 

(end)

Mike Tyson Mean Bean Rotisserie Machine Grill

Mike Tyson is standing in a kitchen with his rotisserie machine thing in front of him.

Mike Tyson: Hi there people…I saw that Son of a Bitch George Foreman getting rich off that lean mean thingie…so here I am making my new product. It’s my Mean Bean Rotisserie Machine Grill. This thing will cook anything you want. Here’s a loyal customer.

A guy walks over to where Mike Tyson is standing and he looks over to the camera.

Guy: THIS MACHINE GAVE ME THIRD DEGREE BURNS ON MY PENIS! I FUCKIN HATE IT! DON’T BUY I-”

Mike Tyson jumps ontop of the guy as they both fall behind the kitchen counter.

Mike Tyson: GROOAR!!!!!

Guy: AHHHHH

(The squackle technical difficulties screen appears)

The scene comes back to the guy and Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson has blood all over his mouth and a smile on his face. The guy has a chunk of his ear missing and his face is white and he’s scared as hell.

Guy: Oh yeah…I love this machine……..it’s….it’s so great…..I love it…..Oh boy……….thumbs up!….please don’t hurt me!

Mike Tyson kicks the guy in the ass out of the kitchen.

Mike Tyson: Watch as I Rotisserie this piece of meat!

Mike Tyson takes the ear and sticks it in the machine.

(5 Hours later)

Mike Tyson: Ok it’s just about done…no wait it isn;t…

(3 Hours and 34 minutes later)

Mike Tyson is scratching his balls…

Mike Tyson: GET THAT FUCKIN CAMERA OUT OF HERE!

(2 hours and 64 minutes later)

Mike Tyson: Ok it’s done…

Mike Tyson takes the ear out the machine….the ear is burnt and it looks like a pile of ashes. Mike Tyson eats the “ear”

Mike Tyson: Mmmmm so delicious…..I want more!

He looks at the camera and smiles and jumps at the camera.

Mike Tyson: GROAR!!!!!!

(technical difficulties screen flashes…..again……)

Announcer: Call 1-800000- EAR to ORDER!!

(end)

Court Room Files Episode 2

Prologue

This is a script for a really boring court movie

Scene 1

Courtroom. There is a judge (Sally), a prosecutor (Bob) a defendant (Billy), and a jury (12 people)

Sally: Order, ORDER!!

Guard: All rise…for the pledge of allegiance!

Bob: Why are you laughing?!

Guard: ….

Billy: Answer his question!

Guard: ….

Jury #1: OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR!! The defendant is clearly badgering the witness!

Sally: You’re not supposed to do that! Jury members don’t make objections!

Jury #1: I do what I want. ::Jumps out of the jury box and runs out of the courtroom::

Sally: Okay…so now we need another jury member.

Guard: Ooh, ooh! Me! MEEE!!!

Bob: Oh, so now you want to talk, huh?

Billy: Yeah, now, huh?

Bob: Shut up! I was talking! Have you no manners? ::starts crying::

Billy: Sorry…

Guard: So can I be a jury member or what?

Sally: Well, you sure can’t be a guard…

Guard: I’ll take that as a “yes!” ::dives into the jury box:: Hoo-Wah!!

Sally: Can we get on with this case? Is the prosecutor still crying?

Billy: I think I really hurt his feelings

Sally: Court will recess until tomorrow.

Billy: But I was gonna WIN!!!

Jury #2: I hate these court movies, they’re so boring.

Billy: Movie…?

Sally: Don’t worry about it…you wouldn’t understand

(fade out)

Scene 2

Courtroom.

Sally: Order! ORDER!! Okay, start the argument things.

Bob: I am here to prove that Billy’s client is guilty.

Billy: An I am paid to say that he isn’t

Sally: And where are your clients?

Bob: Umm…they couldn’t make it

Billy: They had reservations at Rocky Cola

Sally: Okay…well, I am a bit hungry myself, maybe I’ll go too. Court will recess until tomorrow

Guard: It’s tough work being on this jury. HAHAHA!!! Get it?!

Jury #3: Do you have to sit next to me?

Guard: HAHAHAHA-yes.

(fade out)

Scene 3

Courtroom.

Sally: This case is ending today!

Bob: That’s the spirit!

Billy: I guess…

Sally: Okay, prosecutor, present your evidence and stuff.

Bob: I don’t WANT to! ::runs out of the court room::

Sally: Fine. Jury, have you made a decision?

Jury #12: Yes. We feel the defendant is- ::Jury #12 spontaneously combusts::

Billy: Gasp! How do we know who won?!

Jury #11: The defendant is- ::he spontaneously combusts::

Sally: How strange… ::All jury members spontaneously combust:: I guess we’ll just have to wait for a sequel…

THE END

Cliploc Bags

Cow: moo.

 

(Cow chews some grass)

 

Cow: moo moo moo, moo moo? Moo moo moo moo moo. Moo. Moo moo moo, moo moo

 

(Cow chews some grass again)

 

Cow: moo moo moo moo, moo-

 

Farmer (off screen): Bessy! Are you making commercials again?!?

 

Cow: moo!!!

 

Farmer: Bessy, I told you…

 

(Farmer walks next to the cow)

 

Farmer: now, you have to die

 

Cow: moo!!!!!!!

 

(Farmer stabs the cow with a sword)

(end)

America’s Least Wanted Episode 2

Billy Washer: Today on America’s Least Wanted we hunt America’s least wanted as we do on every show. Since we’re not hunting down anyone today, we’re going to send Sam Jam the Cop out onto the streets of LA to find something.

9:00 P.M.

Sam Jam the Cop: I’ve been working here in LA for 4 years. Throughout my experience I handled all types of alcoholics, addicts and druggies. It’s a tough town.

Dispatch on radio: We’ve got a drunk at the tavern. Armed with a handgun. Unit alpha tango six, please respond.

Sam Jam the Cop: I got it dispatch.

Sam Jam the Cop: We’ve got a drunk at a tavern who appears to have a gun. He had a couple of beers and went berserk. We’re heading there now.

(Sam Jam the Cop enters the scene to see Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar holding a gun aimed at davepoobond, who is the bartender at the bar)

Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar: I want more or else I’ll kill you!

davepoobond: Calm down sir, you had too many!

Sam Jam the Cop (talking to Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar): Sir, put the gun down. Please calm down!

Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar: I am calmed down!

Sam Jam the Cop: Sir, put the gun down.

Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar: Shut up!

(Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar then points the gun at Sam Jam the Cop, Sam Jam the Cop gets his gun out, but Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar then faints because of the beers)

Sam Jam the Cop: Heh, he fainted from the overdose of beers. We’re going to have to take him to the hospital.

(Sam Jam the Cop cuffs Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar)

Sam Jam the Cop: You have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do will be place against you in court…

(as Sam Jam the Cop walks out with Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar, davepoobond quietly picks up the gun, and puts it in his backpocket)

davepoobond (winking): shhh! you didnt see that

 

***

 

(Sam Jam the Cop is in the police car again speaking to the camera)

Dispatch: We got two drug dealers in the alley. They are reported to be armed with automatics. Proceed with caution, wait for backup.

Sam Jam the Cop: We’ve got two drug dealers armed with machine guns. Dispatch is telling me to wait for backup, I think I’ll head there on my own.

(Few seconds later)

(Sam Jam the Cop walks into the scene with Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar But Is Now a Drug Dealer and Thomas The Drug Lord. They look drunk and disoriented)

Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar But Is Now a Drug Dealer (slurring his words): What the heck are you doing here, copper!

Thomas The Drug Lord (slurring his words also): Yeah, get out of here or else we’ll give you lead poisoning!

Sam Jam the Cop: Men, I’m going to have to place you two under arrest for drug dealing.

Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar But Is Now a Drug Dealer: Oh no, you won’t!

(Thomas the Drug Lord and Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar But Is Now a Drug Dealer pull out guns. They start shooting at Sam (Whom is standing still doing nothing) but they are horribly inaccurate from the drugs)

Sam Jam the Cop: Ha!

(Thomas the Drug Lord and Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar But Is Now a Drug Dealer fall down)

(Sam Jam the Cop walks towards Thomas the Drug Lord and Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar But Is Now a Drug Dealer and begins to cuff them)

Sam Jam the Cop: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will be placed against you in court…

 

(end)

Jack in the Crack

Jack: hi. I’m Jack. You may wonder why I have a ridiculous plastic ball on my head, and a party hat on top of that. But I’ll tell you something…

 

(Jack walks to the right)

 

Jack: hi, I’m Jack. I have an airplane, and a football team. We make lots of good, quality fast food. As good as fast food will get anyway. But as long as its better than McDonalds, I’d guess it is better quality anyway, even if we took a crap on it. All our food is made with 100% crack cocaine, and we made different types of food with it. Crack Taco Shells, Crack Cheese, Crack Beef, Crack Lettuce, just to name a few.

 

(Jack picks up a crack pipe)

 

Jack: ah, nature’s fruits of labor…and remember, we don’t crack it, ’till you jack-it!”

 

(end)

The Pump Girls Episode 1

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

 

Pump It Up!

 

(The scene goes to the Pump Girls’ hospital beds, they’re in their hospital gowns)

 

KayKay: I wish we didn’t have juvenile diabetes

 

JoeJoe: At least we get insulin pump pagers!

 

AshAsh: Yes, we also have the Pump Girls because of this!

 

FartFart: ::Fart!!:: And we wouldn’t be able to be the Pump Girls if we didn’t have Juvenile diabetes and insulin pump pagers!

 

(KayKay starts hyperventilating)

 

KayKay: Too much…..sugar…!

 

(KayKay pushes a button on her pager with a *pshhh* sound of air, insulin pumping into her body, making her have less sugar)

 

KayKay: Ah! That feels better…

 

JoeJoe: KayKay, are you feeling “up” for our performance tonight?

 

FartFart: We have a performance!?

 

AshAsh: Yes, its our biggest break ever! We’re going to a playground next to an industrial waste dump

 

KayKay: Oh. No wonder, I forget things of importance all the time, like the time I had a bowel movement and I hadn’t gone in 4 weeks and-

 

AshAsh: Shut up

 

(KayKay gets up and takes off her hospital gown, in the middle of the room, nude)

 

FartFart: EW!!

 

KayKay: Whoops, I forgot you guys weren’t gay

 

(3 hours later)

 

Mommy Manager: Ok, everyone! Get into the van!

 

(many many homeless people pile into the van)

 

Mommy Managaer: Not you! I meant The Pump Girls!!

 

(a homeless man near the bottom raises his hand)

 

Homey the Homeless Man: I’m a Pump Girl!

 

Mommy Manager: Ok. The rest of you: OUT! Or you get dsemboweled!

 

Homeless People: Awwww

 

Mommy Manager: NOWWW!!!

 

(The Homeless People ran away, leaving Homey the Homeless Man, and The Pump Girls go to their next performance)

 

Homey the Homeless Man: Got any food?

 

Mommy Manager: Gosh no…you know that there are no foods in the world that don’t contain sugar in it, and since you have juvenile diabetes you can’t eat food, you know that.

 

(Homey the Homeless Man gets a sad face)

 

Homey the Homeless Man: I have stones in my intestine?

 

Mommy Manager: No…not anymore, we exchanged gallstones for diabetes to become The Pump Girls instead of The Rolling Gallstones. You don’t remember? Geez. We’re here.

 

(Mommy Manager stops at the playground, and everyone gets out. KayKay forgets how to walk and falls on the floor, soaking in mud)

 

KayKay: I broke a bone!

 

AshAsh: Great, we’ll never be able to perform now!

 

(Just then a plane swoops down and catches AshAsh in the propellers instantly dicing her up, and leaving only her shoes)

 

FartFart: ::Fart!!:: Ahhh! AshAsh died!

 

(Then, FartFart farted again and blew away the Mommy Manager, knocking her out. FartFart becomes exhausted and faints on top of KayKay)

 

JoeJoe: What the hell?

 

KayKay: Get her off meeee!

 

(KayKay passes out)

(Just then a bunch of children run over to JoeJoe with cans of Mountain Dew, pouring it all over her)

(JoeJoe starts having a seizure)

 

JoeJoe: Noo! I can’t take sugar into my bodyyyy!

 

(JoeJoe falls to the floor, still shaking, and passes out, still shaking)

(Homey the Homeless Man just watches all of this, takes AshAsh’s shoes and gets into the car, driving away)

(end)

One Quart Bucket of Urine

Announcer: We are offering One Quart Bucket Urine to be Collected and

Shipped to YOU when YOU want it!

Hunters ~ why buy scents that sit on a shelf for months or years when you can buy deer urine collected fresh and shipped to your door within days of your order!

 

Our scents are fresh and 100% natural, the way nature intended! We’ll collect and ship one quart of Buck Urine for YOU when YOU want it.

 

You decide what it’s worth to have fresh scent collected and shipped directly to you when you say!

(end)

SBC News Christmas Special

Now top stories with David…

Weather with Daveed…

Sports with Davis…

A few words with Fiddlesticks…

and The Special Guest Corner with Binky the Clown.

 

Now for the top stories…David: Welcome to the first annual Christmas Special of SBC News TV!! It is sure to be a holly jolly show today!

 

(Fiddlesticks covers his mouth)

 

Fiddlesticks: COUGH, yeah right, COUGH, COUGH!!!

 

(David looks at Fiddlesticks with a mean look)

(Fiddlesticks looks back)

 

Fiddlesticks: CCCOOOUUUGGGHHH!!!

 

David: SHUT UP!!

 

Fiddlesticks: OK, FINE, GAWD

 

Davis: What is this episode supposed to be about?

 

David: …I dunno…

 

Binky: Well, the only thing I know is that I’m interviewing Santa Clause and some other…things

 

David: hmm…ok…but first we have an undercover report from Dave

 

Binky: Dave, huh? He sorta scares me…

 

David: oh….well…here he is

 

(Dave comes up on a small TV screen next to David)

 

Dave: Hello, this is Dave reporting live from someplace in Wyoming….unfortunately during the Christmas season, the number of suicides increase a lot, and most of those people that commit suicide are wimps and don’t wanna face the IRS or some crap like that…but this is very strange

 

(Dave walks over to a body below a cliff)

 

Dave: as you can see…

 

(Dave lifts up the persons head to show the camera)

 

David: Oh my god! That’s Alex Trebeck!!

 

Fiddlesticks: REALLY??? YAAYY!!! HE WAS A BITCH!!!

 

Dave (muttering): Pathetic

 

(Dave drops the head with disgust)

 

Dave: there are just piles upon piles of these dead people here….mostly game show hosts…

 

(the camera gets a shot of all the bodies)

(there are rows and rows and piles of dead bodies)

 

David: Whoa

 

Fiddlesticks: Holy crap

 

Davis: EWW!!!

 

(Daveed makes a choking sound, like he’s about to throw up)

 

Dave: Yes, it is gross…I’m getting outta here…

 

(the camera turns off)

 

David: That was really weird….

 

(Binky is just staring ahead at nothing)

 

David: …hey Binky!

 

(Binky still stares at nothing)

(Daveed goes over and slaps him but has no effect)

 

Daveed: He must be stunned, or some junk, I ain’t a doctor, I can’t tell

 

David: HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THE DAMN SPECIAL GUEST CORNER THEN?????????????

 

Daveed: maybe all of us can do it…

 

David: Hmm…..heheheheheheh…

 

(David has an evil grin on his face)

 

Davis: Good idea, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

(Daveed pushes Binky off the chair and drags his chair into the center of the room, right smack in the middle of everybody)

(Daveed goes back and sits down on his chair)

 

David: OK! Who’s up?

 

(a fat shadow appears from the door)

 

David (gasping): WELL!! Isn’t it Mr. Holly Jolly Himself!!

 

(the guy walks out of the shadows)

 

David: HEY! Wait a second! You’re not Santa Clause!

 

Fat guy: Uh, nope. Just a fat guy walking around.

 

(David starts getting mad)

 

David: eeerraaaahhh!!!! HOW DARE YOU COME INTO THIS TV STATION WITHOUT PERMISSION!!!

 

(David takes out a gun and shoots the fat guy)

 

Fat guy: OW!

 

(Fat guy falls down, dead, as another fat shadow appears)

 

David (dropping the gun and gasping): COULD IT BE???

 

Santa Clause: HO HO HO HO HO!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

 

Daveed (walking toward Santa Clause): Hey, Santa, how ya doin? Why don’t you take a seat in the middle of all of us where we can see your jolly little fat face.

 

Santa Clause: HO?

 

Daveed: HEY! DON’T CALL ME A HO, BOY! I’ll slap da shit outta you.

 

Santa Clause: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

(Daveed looks strangely at Santa Clause)

 

Daveed: Riiiggghhhttt……now sit your flabby fat ass down over there.

 

(Daveed points to Binky’s chair)

(Santa Clause makes his way over to the chair and every step he takes he says ‘ho’)

 

Santa Clause (as he is sitting down): mmmmmm christmas!

 

Daveed: Well, Santa, Arthritis gettin’ to ya, old man?

 

Santa Clause (laughing): Ho ho ho ho ho

 

Daveed: Um, ok. Uh…

 

David: Well, Santa, what do you have for ME for Christmas?

 

Santa Clause (laughing): Ho ho ho ho

 

(Santa Clause snaps his fingers and a bag appears at his feet)

 

David: Whoa!

 

(Santa Clause reaches in and takes out a neatly wrapped present for everybody and passes them out to everybody)

 

David: Ooh! I wonder what it is

 

(David rips the wrapping open and opens the box)

 

David: Huh? What da hell is this? It’s a Polly Prissy Pants Doll

 

(David is holding the doll and the head falls off)

 

David: …..this is used…

 

Daveed: I got a 3 page book….

 

Davis: I got a piece of paper with scribbles on it

 

Fiddlesticks: Heh heh…I have the best one out of ALL of you!

 

David: What is it?

 

Fiddlesticks: hee hee hee….its a porno magazine

 

(David drops the doll and charges for the magazine)

(so does Daveed and Davis)

 

David: Come on! Give me the magazine!

 

Fiddlesticks: No! It’s mine!

 

Davis: LET GO!

 

Daveed: YOU’RE GONNA RIP IT! GIVE IT TO ME BEFORE IT DOES!!

 

(the magazine is split up four ways)

 

David: Ah man, I got half of a stomach….

 

Fiddlesticks: Jeez, now look what you did to the Playgirl magazine…

 

Daveed: Play…GIRL????

 

(Davis drops his part of the magazine)

 

Davis: YYYUUCCKK!

 

David: Oh my god….

 

(David and Daveed also drop their pieces)

 

Fiddlesticks: My god, you guys should be happy now….ripping up my Christmas present from Santa!

 

David (walking toward his chair): Yeah, whatever…

 

Daveed: Ok, Santa, how is the weather at the north pole?

 

Santa Clause: Christmas! Ho ho ho ho

 

Daveed: So, its always winter?

 

Santa Clause: Merry ho ho ho ho!

 

Daveed (looking at Santa weird): uh, can you say anything but merry, Christmas and ho?

 

Santa Clause: Ho ho ho ho!

 

David: Stop asking confusing questions to Santa! Let’s show him around our studio. Come on Santa!

 

(David leads Santa into the Director’s office)

 

David: This is where we used to have our Director and Producer fight each other all the time for no reason, but since they’re both dead, this room isn’t being used till we find somebody suitable for the job.

 

Daveed: Yeah, they used to fight over how a peanut butter and jelly sandwich should be made. Or, even how to-

 

David: Ok, that’s enough

 

(Davis yawns)

 

Davis: When is this tour over?

 

David (ignoring what Davis said): And, down here…

 

(David leads Santa through the door to the parking lot)

 

David: This is our little parking lot.

 

Fiddlesticks: Hey, where’s my car?

 

Davis: I think I saw someone driving off in a pinto with a flat tire and half the paint was chipped off. Was that yours?

 

Fiddlesticks: ….yes….

 

Davis: HA HA! That’s funny. He blew up a little ways down the road.

 

Fiddlesticks: oh…I hope my kitty made it to safety

 

Daveed: most likely, your stupid little kitty is dead

 

(Fiddlesticks’ kitty walks up to them)

 

Kitty: meow

 

Fiddlesticks: OH! KITTY! YOUR SAFE!

 

(Davis takes David’s gun and shoots the kitty as Fiddlesticks runs up to it)

(Fiddlesticks stares at his dead kitty)

 

Davis: SEE? NOW its dead

 

Fiddlesticks: NOOOO!!!!!

 

(Fiddlesticks drops to his knees and is still screaming)

 

David (looking at Fiddlesticks): Ok, let’s go to another part of the tour…

 

(everyone but Fiddlesticks walks away, and Fiddlesticks is still screaming and holding his kitty up in the air)

 

Fiddlesticks: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

 

(camera goes to David and Santa Clause)

(Fiddlesticks is screaming in the background)

 

David: Well, this is a statue of a…um…

 

(David turns back to Fiddlesticks)

 

David (yelling): HEY SHUT DA HELL UP!

 

(Fiddlesticks keeps screaming)

 

David (pulling out his gun): Ok, that’s it….

 

(David shoots Fiddlesticks)

 

Fiddlesticks: Ah, SHIT!

 

(Fiddlesticks faints)

 

David: Well, that’s better…..that is a statue….of someone….I dont know who it is though….or why it is here…um…I dont remember how this got here…or remember when it got here….it wasnt here before…So…uh, I guess we should move on then…

 

(the camera goes higher and higher as everybody walks to the right)

 

Announcer Guy: But, what David didn’t know was, that the statue of someone he didn’t know was actually an alien space pod, full of tiny creatures that aim to help a race of other aliens to rule Earth….

 

(the camera zooms back down to David’s face)

 

David: Hey, did anyone hear that?

 

Santa Clause: HO HO HO HO!

 

Daveed: Hear what?

 

David: Uh….never mind…let’s go back inside…there isn’t anything else out here…

 

(everyone gets inside except Santa Clause)

 

Santa Clause (waving his finger from left to right): Ho ho!

 

(Santa Clause snaps and he disappears)

 

David: WHAT??? Ah, man! I was going to ask him if he wanted to be our producer or director or something….

 

Daveed: Uh……I think we’ll find someone better….

 

David: Like?

 

Daveed: Like, uh…that dead fat guy!

 

Fat Guy: What? What are you talking about? I’m not dead, just taking a nap…

 

David: Well, your hired!

 

Fat Guy: For what?

 

David: Uhh…Producer….now your name is now Fat Producer Guy!

 

Fat Producer Guy: cool!

 

David: Now, go and wait for someone to be director, then you can fight with them. That’s your job!

 

Fat Producer Guy: YAY!

 

(Fat Producer Guy goes in the office and closes the door)

 

David: so…now what?

 

Daveed: umm…i think that there were some elves in the back waiting…

 

(camera goes to elves)

 

Master Elf (smoking a cigarette): when the fuck do we get on this fuckin show? i got some crappy ass toys to make…

 

Ho Elf: Oh, don’t worry…we’ll get out of this stupid place soon…even though there is air conditioning instead of heat…

 

Elfy: I’ve never needed to have air conditioning before…

 

Ellf: AIR CONDITIONING IS COOL!

 

(camera goes back to david and the others)

 

David: umm…i’m sorta scared…lets go back to the station..those elves could be….doing something…weird

 

Fiddlesticks: KIIITTTYYY!!!!

 

Davis: What the fuck?

 

Daveed: what?

 

Davis: that statue..

 

Daveed: What about it?

 

Davis: it….moved!

 

Daveed: AW, stop fuckin lying ya stupid son of a bitch. statues can’t move. they are big ass pieces of rock.

 

Davis: It fuckin moved, you bastard.

 

David: Ok, just fuck it, let’s go.

 

Davis: uhh…i dont really want to…

 

(David just walks back into the station to find that the 4 elves they had waiting in the back were jumping around the station yelling “Air Conditioner”)

 

Master Elf: AIR CONDITTTIIOONNERR!!

 

Ho Elf: A! C!

 

Ellf: FFFARRTT! look at that! it dont stink!

 

David: AAAAAARRGGHHH!

 

(David is about to strangle the Master Elf because he is waving his favorite piece of cardboard around his ass)

 

David (running at Master Elf): MY CARDBOARD!!!

 

(suddenly an explosion from behind David, sends him, Davis, and Daveed and they get launched at a wall along with the elfen people)

 

Master Elf: WWAAHH!!!

 

Davis: shistis!

 

Dave: who?

 

Shistis: YESssss…..It is I…the green statue with its arm up in the air….the real reason it was up there was not for me to look god-like, but to let my B.O. torture everyone that can smell it! hahahahahahaa!!

 

(Shistis starts to pace)

 

Davis: I thought you died!

 

Shistis: I thought i died, too!

 

Davis: Then why are you alive?

 

Shistis: hmm….i dont know really…i think it was a present from sweet ol’ Santa Clause!!!

 

(Shistis reaches behind her and pulls out Santa Clause by the collar)

 

Santa Clause (face drooping): ho…ho…ho…

 

David: SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Santa Clause: ho?

 

Daveed (grabbing his head): NNNNYYYAARRRGGG!!!! SHUT UP! STOP SAYING HO!

 

Davis: I think that Santa is calling Shistis a ho…

 

(one of the elves fart)

(air conditioning breaks down, because of the fart)

 

Shistis: AARGH! What is that smell?

 

David (covering his nose): Its an elf fart!! RUN!!!

 

(everybody except the elves, shistis, and Santa Clause run out of the building just as it blows up)

 

Daveed: great, now we have to make ANOTHER stupid studio…

 

David: Hmm…maybe we should use the reserve studio…

 

Daveed: where is that?

 

David: across the street…

 

Daveed: really?

 

David: in Idaho!

 

Daveed: ACK!

 

David: Yes, that’s right, we’ll have to take a train all the way to Idaho…

 

Daveed: do we have to stay there?

 

David: …no..not really…we’ll just move the whole building on top of the old burned up studio…

 

(David takes out a walkie talkie)

 

David (speaking into the walkie talkie): BRING ‘ER IN CHARLIE!

 

Davis: …charlie?

 

David: He’s the helicopter driver…

 

(Charlie the Helicopter Driver comes over with a skinny rope holding onto a huge building)

 

Daveed: Is that our studio?

 

David: yeah! this one has anti-fart fluid sprayer thingys, air conditioning, heat, and…penguins!

 

Davis: Why the fuck do we need penguins?

 

David: ahh…they’re funny…

 

Davis: hrmm…

 

(Davis thinks about how they can be funny)

 

David: they walk funny and they make me laugh everytime they walk past me!

 

Davis (flicking his wrist at David): yeah, whatever, go right on ahead, have your stupid shitty penguins!

 

(David ignores the comment and turns around to the helicopter and brings the walkie talkie up to his mouth)

 

David: a little to the right and drop it right on our old building…

 

(Charlie drops the building on top of the old studio and stays on top of the old building)

 

David: hmm….oh well, now we have 2 floors!

 

(everybody goes into the studio and sits down in the middle of the room on the 1st floor)

(David takes out some pokemon cards)

 

David: haha! check this out! its a FUCK me UP Charizard!

 

Davis (pulling out his): bah! that’s nothing compared to my umm….CRAP FACE SQUIRTLE!

 

(Davis pulls the card out and shoves it in David’s face)

(David eats the CRAP FACE SQUIRTLE card)

 

Davis: HEY! I PAYED 50 BUCKS FOR THAT!!

 

David: and, it didn’t taste bad one bit!

 

Davis: grrr…..i’m gonna kill you!

 

(Davis and David start biting and punching each other)
(Daveed smacks his head and starts shaking his head from left to right with his eyes closed)

 

Daveed: my god…CUT IT! JUST CUT-

 

(end)

SAddle SAndbags

Saddy-Back Sandbags: Howdy howdy howdy! I’m Saddy-Back Sandbags, and I own SAddle SAndbags. Believe me when I say this, but Saddleback Sandbags is a completely different company than SAddle SAndbags…just because it is. If you come down to your local hardware store, pick up a bag of our sand or a whole parking lot of them, you can have a lot of sand! There’s unlimited sand in this world, and we take it and bag it and sell it to you. Won’t you buy them? You can prepare for flood, tornados, and other natural disasters, such as politicians coming to speak, Rosie O’ Donnel and to keep your children safe from Michael Jackson, just pile’m on top of them, you can never be too safe from MJ, the king of pop!

 

(end)