Animal Rights PSA

This was a group effort by davepoobond, elmoisfurry, Nose, and stimpyismyname.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

 

 

A cockatiel is on a recliner. People are bowing down to it. Another person brings a piece of bread and puts it in front of the bird. The bird eats a little of the bread, and the last person that came in, starts bowing down as well, with the other.

 

CUT TO: EXT. GRASSY FIELD – DAY

 

 

A BUTTERBEE is pollinating the flowers

 

Butterbee

 

I’m pollinating the flowers!

 

2 PEOPLE come over.

 

Person 1

 

Oh, what a pretty butterfly!

 

The Butterbee goes crazy and beats them up. Afterwards, he goes back to pollinating.

 

CUT TO: INT. HOUSE – DAY

 

 

ACTIVIST is in a cage. A DOG is outside the cage. The dog looks into the cage, “smiling” and the ACTIVIST is pawing at the cage happily.

 

CUT TO: SWIMMING POOL – DAY

 

 

3 people jump out of a pool and they swim around like otters. The camera tilts to a DUCK’s wing that has pieces of bread on it.

 

Duck

 

Quack quack!

 

The 3 people start looking at the camera, and act up.

 

3 people

 

(at same time)

 

Bread! Bread! Bread! Bread!

 

The DUCK throws in the bread.

 

3 people

 

(at same time, while punching at each other and grabbing the bread)

 

Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

 

DISSOLVE TO: ACTIVIST’s EYE – Day

 

 

The camera zooms out from the ACTIVIST’s eye. We see the activist holding a piece of paper above his head, that says: ANIMAL RIGHTS.

 

Activist

(smiling)

Yeah…

 

 

End.

 

Why Ale?

davepoobond also wrote this.

EXT: Yale Campus

Students walk by. BELLS TOLL

CUT TO:

Title Screen “Why Ale? – The FIRST Ivy League school to graduate a TARD”

Bells continue

CUT TO:

HOLDEN, a man with a turned up nose holding a handkerchief, is sitting in a chair.

HOLDEN

Yale. The very mention of it makes

me very excited. Hi, I’m Holden Mc

Fargo. Join me as we take a tour

through Yale. Experience its mystery,

its splendor, and its Gay German

club. Lets start at the beginning.

Who gets accepted to Yale? The

most worthy? The rich kids? No no

no, it’s far more simple than that..

CUT TO

INT: Acceptance office

MAN with stamp is stamping a pile of applications.

MAN

My job is to stamp this pile of

letters… I’m not really sure how

we get all the students accepted

every year… I’m pretty sure I

stamp all of them… (shrugs)

(Hitchcock shot)

[Parts between brackets go on at the same time in split screen]

[

INT: Prestigious bedroom

Hitchcock shot of ARMEN, an overweight Armenian senior, is just waking up. He yawns.

ARMEN

(excited)

Oh boy! My Yale letter!

(runs out)

INT: Messy bedroom

Hitchcock shot of PAULIE, an overweight Caucasian senior, is just waking up. He yawns.

PAULIE

(hung over)

God… that’s bright…

(walks out)

]

[

EXT: Prestigious driveway

Hitchcock shot of mailbox. Armen opens it and gets his acceptance letter.

ARMEN

(screaming like a little girl)

EEEEEEEE! I got in! That

Armenian crap worked!

EXT: Dirty driveway littered with car parts

Hitchcock shot of mailbox. Paulie opens it and gets his regection letter.

PAULIE

(Yelling)

**** ***** ****** **** *****!!! My 4.9

didn’t work! *** **** ******** *******

***!!!!

]

CUT TO

HOLDEN is standing by a fireplace. He lights up a pipe.

HOLDEN

Every year, the Yale Bus, or the

“Yale Yale” as the students prefer

to call it, picks them each up for

their trip to Yale. God I love Yale…

CUT TO

EXT: Street corner

PHILIPE and ARMEN meet.

ARMEN

Hi Philipe, are you taking the Yale

bus to Yale?

 

PHIILIPE

I believe it’s called the Yale Yale.

 

ARMEN

Oh.. so are you taking the Yale

Yale to Yale?

 

PHILIPE

Yale.

 

ARMEN

Eh?

 

PHILIPE

It means “yes”.

(Bus pulls up)

BUSDRIVER

All Yale?

 

KID IN BACK OF LINE

Uh, Harvard?

(bus driver takes out an uzi and mows him down)

BUS DRIVER

(panting)

All Yale?

(everyone nods)

Good..

CUT TO

INT: Den

Paulie is sitting on a sofa eating cottage cheese, watching TV, and hugging a pillow.

CUT TO

HOLDEN is frying eggs.

HOLDEN

Yale University comprises three

major academic components:

Yale College (the undergraduate

program), the Graduate School of

Arts and Sciences, and ten

professional schools. In addition,

Yale encompasses a wide array

of research organizations, libraries

and museums, and administrative

and support offices. Approximately

11,250 students attend Yale. My

wife is a thieving whore.

CUT TO

INT: Classroom at Yale

Armen and Phillipe enter and sit down. SALAD BOWL, the dean, enters wearing “unusual attire”.

SALAD BOWL

First off, I’d like to welcome you all

and congratulate you. Congratulations,

you go to Yale. (everyone applauds)

Yale University is a large research

university with a wide array of

programs, departments, schools,

centers, museums, and affiliated

organizations. This Factsheet

addresses some frequently asked

statistical questions about Yale,

especially those concerning

undergraduate programs. Only a

subset of Yale’s resources are

represented in this Factsheet. For a

fuller view of the University, consult

related web pages that can be reached

via the University “front door” at

www.yale.edu. Now I’d like to welcome

your professor, ROBESPIERRE, the

18th century leader of the Jacobins!

(APPLAUSE)

(Robespierre enters in 18th century French attire)

ROBESPIERRE

Congratulations, you go to Yale.

(everyone applauds) I’m insanely French.

CUT TO

INT: Closet

Robespierre is sitting in front of the camera.

ROBESPIERRE

All the professors at Yale like to

begin classes with applause. Then

we like to say, “Congratulations,

you go to Yale.” Then we applaud

again. I’m French. Eiffel tower.

Blah blah blah.

CUT TO

INT: Closet

Armen is sitting in front of the camera.

ARMEN

All the professors at Yale like to

begin classes with applause. Then

they like to say, “Congratulations,

you go to Yale.” Then we applaud

again. I’m Armenian. System Bro.

Blah blah blah. Wait don’t go yet.

I really do want to talk about Yale-

CUT TO

INT: Paulie’s room. He wakes up and walks out to the kitchen where his MOM is cooking.

PAULIE

Hey… got a cigarette?

 

MOM

Do I..? Who do you think you are?!

You can’t smoke in my house! BLAH

BLAH BLAH!! (Paulie walks out)

CUT TO

INT: New classroom. CHRISTOPHER LOWELL walks in.

CHRISTOPHER LOWELL

Congratulations, you go to Yale.

(everyone applauds) Eh Uh! ( everyone

says “Eh Uh!” and we cut between

them for a minute)

CUT TO

INT: Closet

Christopher Lowell is sitting in front of the camera.

CHRISTOPHER LOWELL

I remember one time, on one wall,

someone wrote, “Yale sucks. The

only schools that really matters are

Princeton and Princeton because

we’re simply better than you are.”

(Hitchcock shot) Eh Uh! (Cut to

camera guy. He does it too)

CUT TO

INT: Holden is heard behind a bathroom door.

HOLDEN

The Yale Webmaster Team is

responsible for maintaining accounts

and services on the institutional web

server. The Webmaster pages contain

information on web publishing, policies,

privacy, and access to summary reports

of server logs.

CUT TO

EXT: Paulie is asking random people for cigarettes

CUT TO

INT: Dormroom

STUDENT1 and STUDENT2 are talking

STUDENT1

Yale yale yale yale yale.

 

STUDENT2

Yale yale yale yale! Yale?

 

STUDENT1

Yale…

CUT TO

EXT: Street in front of Yale

People are doing normal crap. Some kids run in chasing a Jet. He jumps into their arms and shouts “JEEETS!”. Everyone drops what they’re doing and gets into formation. Musical dance number with Nick’s Yale song ensues.

CUT TO

INT: Holden’s pad.

Holden is holding his bloody hand.

HOLDEN

Each Yale undergraduate belongs

to one of the residential colleges.

Most students live there after their

freshman year (most first-year

students live together on Old Campus)

and take their meals there; some

courses and many extracurricular

activities are organized by the

individual colleges; and a great deal

of socializing with classmates, faculty,

and others is centered in the colleges.

The Yale College Undergraduate

Admissions Web site provides a more

extensive overview of the residential

college system, and the Yale College

Online Tour presents a range of visual

experiences of residential college life.

I ain’t got no college degree you stupid

asses. YOU stupid. Asses.

CUT TO

INT: Classroom

JOEL, the film professor, is sitting in front of the camera.

JOEL

Mmmyes, here in Yale we have many films

and yeah… here’s one of them. (shows

a film where Dave eats stuff in slow

motion) Wonderful. (shows a PSA that is

not hitchknifer)

CUT TO

INT: Classroom

FRANZ is in front of the camera

FRANZ

I run the German club yes?

HAHAHAHA! Emerging in response

to student initiative and creativity

during the 1960’s, the Gay German

Cultural Center at Yale University

seeks to develop an environment in

which cultural diversity is understood

and respected throughout the campus

community and beyond. Helping Yale

University to be responsive to the

cultural, intellectual, developmental

and social needs of a complex and

diverse student body, the Center

incorporates undergraduate, graduate

and professional students, faculty,

administrators, Chinese Hockey Team, alumni, and

members of the New Haven community

into a constituency of common interests.

Symbolizing “home” for those who

aspire to greater understanding and

appreciation of Gay German and African

culture, the Center and its student

organizations provide a wide range of

academic support and advisement,

leadership skills training, and

cultural/socio-political programming.

Events such as lectures, poetry slams,

cultural center teas, political forums,

tutoring and mentoring of youth in New

Haven, and a host of stimulating activities

take place regularly. Among the annual

events are:

Gay German Student Welcome Reception and

Open House, Gay German Solidarity Conference,

Parents Weekend Classical Music Recital,

Yale/Harvard Game Activities, Alumni Career

Panel, Movie Nights, Gay German

Graduate/Undergraduate Mentor Night,

Kwanzaa Ceremony, Weekly Study Breaks,

Art Gallery Exhibits, Martin Luther King

Commemoration, Gay German History Month

Celebration, Achievement Awards Banquet

and Gay German Graduates’ Celebration.

HO HA HO HA!!

CUT TO

INT: Classroom

FREUDOXI, the team captain of the Chinese hockey team, is sitting in front of the camera.

FREUDOXI

The programs, services and

activities of the Chinese Hockey

Team Cultural Center are

administered by the director, who

also serves as an assistant dean

of Yale College. Assistance in

conducting the Center’s affairs is

provided by two graduate student

Chinese Hockey Team, and a

team of ten undergraduate student

Chinese Hockey Team members.

With a cadre of student peer

counselors (ethnic counselors),

the assistant dean/director offers

academic advising, personal

counseling, guidance, referral, and

problem-solving services. In

addition, the Chinese Hockey

Team produces a bi-monthly

newsletter and annual

intercollegiate magazine: Black Ivy.

All members of the Yale community

are welcome.

CUT TO

INT: Classroom

SPLINTER, the ninja club curator, is in front of the camera

SPLINTER

Ninjas can kill anyone they want!

Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time

and don’t even think twice about it.

These guys are so crazy and

awesome that they flip out ALL the

time. I heard that there was this

ninja who was eating at a diner.

And when some dude dropped a

spoon the ninja killed the whole town.

My friend Mark said that he saw a

ninja totally uppercut some kid just

because the kid opened a window.

And that’s what I call REAL Ultimate

Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t believe that ninjas have

REAL Ultimate Power you better get

a life right now or they will chop your

head off!!! It’s an easy choice, if you

ask me.

Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet

that I want to crap my pants. I can’t

believe it sometimes, but I feel it

inside my heart. These guys are

totally awesome and that’s a fact.

Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong,

powerful, and sweet. I can’t wait to

start yoga next year. I love ninjas

with all of my body (including my pee pee).

CUT TO

Title screen “GO TO YALE”

 

Special Discount

A blank screen.

Narrator

Kids in the classroom, have more than just class to worry about.

Scene starts out in a classroom, a high school student, JACOBY, is in his English Class. MR. P is teaching a lesson.

Mr. P

Ok, now let’s analyze Mary Had a Little Lamb.

Mr. P goes to the board and writes down the first line of Mary Had a Little Lamb.

Mr. P

Ok, now Mary had a little lamb. What does that symbolize?

Jacoby raises his hand.

Mr. P

Ok, Jacoby, what do you think?

Jacoby

I think it symbolizes that she has a lamb.

Mr. P

WRONG! YOU ARE SO WRONG! WOW, you’re WAY out of the ballpark with that one. Hoohoo…how about someone else?

REGANALD, in the front of the room, raises his hand.

Mr. P

Give it a shot Reganald.

Reganald walks to the front of the room with a piece of paper.

Reganald

It symbolizes the white pureness of the world around Mary and everyone that knows her. Mary herself symbolizes all that is good, because like her lamb’s fleece, she is as white as snow. And snow falls from the heavens above.

Mr. P

Good job!

The bell rings, and everyone leaves, as they’re leaving, the narrator speaks.

Narrator

Jacoby wasn’t what you would say was a “perfect student.” He had a life that you wouldn’t believe were real, from his cute appearance at school. In this day and age, people just get into the wrong things, and the wrong things lead to other wrong things, and those wrong things lead to other wrong things and those go to other wrong things, and pretty much everything they do is wrong by that time. And that’s what happened to Jacoby. What he did to Reganald was one of those wrong things.

CUT TO:

Outside the classroom. Jacoby walks out of the door, and outside Reganald is standing around. Jacoby walks up to Reganald and turns him around to face him.

Jacoby

Hey, fool. You showed me up in there. You’ve disrespected me by doing so. You’ve done this to me over and over, too many times over the years.

 

Reganald

I-I didn’t mean to, honest-

 

Jacoby

If I EVER see you on the streets, well, let’s just say you’d better be running before that. Now get out of my face.

Jacoby shoves Reganald, and Reganald almost falls. Jacoby walks away from Reganald, as Reganald keeps his eyes on him as Jacoby walks away.

Narrator

Jacoby doesn’t like it when people showed him up…it makes Jacoby look weak

CUT TO:

Jacoby walks into his room, and throws his backpack on his bed. The camera focuses in on the flashing light on his answering machine. Jacoby goes over to it and before he presses the button, it freezes and the narrator talks again.

Narrator

Before you hear the message, let me tell you something about Jacoby. He’s a dealer. No, not a card dealer…

It unfreezes and Jacoby replays the message. THOREN, another dealer and friend of Jacoby is on the message.

Thoren

Hey, fool, its Thoren! I gotta talk to you man, it’s not safe over the phone, so come over to where we usually meet. HURRY!

The message ends, and Jacoby walks toward the door of his room, grabbing his keys. And as he goes to the front door of his house…

Jacoby

Bye mom!

 

Mom

Where are you going, hunny? Have you done all your homework? Have you washed your hands?

 

Jacoby

What’s that mom? I can’t hear you!

Jacoby goes through the door, and closes it. Jacoby walks toward his car and gets in. A cool driving sequence toward the park, with music. Jacoby sings along with the music as he drives with the inside shots. In the last of the shots, you see Jacoby’s car drive by, and it pans over to an unknown person watching the car.

CUT TO:

Alley behind the park. The camera follows behind Jacoby as he walks around the corner. Jacoby stops, and he sees Thoren. Thoren is looking at the ground with his hands in his pockets. The camera switches angles to behind Thoren, and you see Jacoby looking at Thoren.

Jacoby

What up?

Thoren gets startled and he looks at Jacoby.

Thoren

Don’t do that to me man! You know how much I hate that! I have to be a lot more cautious now that things have been happening.

Jacoby

Things? What things?

The camera goes back behind Jacoby, and Thoren walks up closer to him, putting his hand on Jacoby’s shoulder and turns him toward the camera.

Thoren

Someone’s been reporting me man. It feels like I’m being followed! The last 3 deals the cops came after me.

CUT TO:

Thoren has a box in his jacket. Someone is walking by, and inconspicuously walks toward Thoren.

Thoren

Hey fool…you want the stuff?

 

Guy

Yeah, give it to me man, I need it. I’m trembling at night without the stuff. It feels like I might go blind! How much you askin’ for?

 

Thoren

Give me 12, special discount.

A police siren rings, and both Thoren and the guy look around and then run away. A crazy scene when they are scattering (music and camera work) following them.

CUT BACK TO:

Thoren and Jacoby talking. Now, in the back you can see someone in the back peeking around…and he does noticeable things, like making noises and stuff, but Thoren and Jacoby can’t see him.

Thoren

I don’t know what to do man. I can’t make any money. I’ve got things to pay for. I saw this crazy game on TV. I gotta buy it! It’s only 44,444.44!

 

Jacoby

Don’t worry. Do you still have the stuff?

 

Thoren

Close to my heart man.

 

Jacoby

Hey, did you hear that?

 

Thoren

No…hey wait a second…!

Thoren and Jacoby look around and see the guy.

Thoren

Hey! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!

 

Weird Guy

Oh crap!

A running scene through the ally and they run through other places, too. Music and camera work, too. After a while, Thoren and Jacoby get tired out, and lose him.

Jacoby

We lost him…I’m tired…we’ll get him later. I got his license plates…

 

Thoren

He doesn’t have any plates, fool

Thoren weakly pushes Jacoby.

Jacoby

Let’s go over to my place. We can watch TV…and do some stuff.

 

Thoren

Now you’re talking, eh heheh!

Jacoby and Thoren start laughing.

CUT TO:

Jacoby and Thoren sitting on the couch, watching TV. They do the “stuff” which is actually Cheez-Its and sugar, and special effects are happening and music is playing.

CUT TO:

The TV is on MTV, and a host guy is talking about the next music video with one of the guys in it.

Host

Hahahah that is soooo funny!

Artist

Yes, I know.

 

Host

Well, let’s see their music video.

The music video plays, and goes back to the Host.

Host

That was absolutely the greatest thing I’ve ever EVER seen! And its been number one for 3 years! Its AMAZING!

 

Artist

Yeah, I know.

 

Host

Well, that’s it for Mindless Music on MTB, Dumb Donkeys is next, after these messages!

CUT TO:

Thoren laughing and pointing at the TV.

Thoren

I just love MTB man, they have the greatest shows ever.

 

Jacoby

You said it, brother.

CUT TO:

The TV now has a commercial for KFC Chicken. Jerry Seinfeld is in his kitchen, when Kraemer comes in the door.

Kraemer

HEY JERRY HEY JERRY! HELP ME! GEORGE IS GOING CRAZY!

 

Jerry

Why, whatever could it be?!

George pokes out from underneath Kraemer’s arm.

George

HEY JERRY! HAVE YOU EVER HAD KFC CHICKEN BEFORE? MMMHMMM ITS SO GOOD!

 

Kraemer

Dear GOD, HELP ME JERRY!

Kraemer shakes Jerry by his shoulders, as the logo for KFC comes up.

Announcer

KFC Chicken is brought to you by Seinfeld.

CUT TO:

Jacoby shaking his head very quietly.

Jacoby

Man my stuff’s wearing off…

CUT TO:

Goes back to the TV, and 2 cars are lined up in a row, and they’re both turned on, revving up their engines.

Announcer

Mortal Kombat…you love the blood, you love the game, you love the gore, you love the violence….NOW TAKE IT TO THE RACE TRACK, WITH MORTAL KOMBAT RACING!!!

The cars accelerate, and zoom past the camera. Racing scenes with a lot of music.

Announcer

MORTAL KOMBAT RACING! BUY YOURS TODAY AT ANY TOYS ‘R US, TARGET AND OTHER FINE STORES! Ah who am I kidding, those stores are really bad. ONLY 44,444.44!!

CUT TO:

Jacoby rubbing his chin.

Jacoby

I gotta get that game!

 

Thoren

I told you.

CUT TO:

Goes back to the TV and white letters are across the screen, spelling out DUMB DONKEYS. The first 2 seconds of the Jackass theme song play.

Johnny Nashville

Hi, my name is Johnny Nashville, and this is eating with your mouth open.

Johnny takes a big bite of a sandwich and eats with his mouth open making snapping sounds.

Johnny Nashville

MMMhahaha! Yum!!

CUT TO:

The couch.

Jacoby

Man, I’ve already seen this before. Change the channel.

Thoren changes the channel.

CUT TO:

The TV. One guy is sitting in a chair with a piece of paper. 2nd GUY goes over to the 1st GUY.

2nd Guy

Hey 1st guy. What’re you reading?

 

1st Guy

The script for this movie 1st Guy is going to be in. Its called 1st Guy in 1st Guy’s Adventures.

 

2nd Guy

Did you just refer to yourself in the 3rd person?

 

1st Guy

No, he’s 3rd Person.

3rd PERSON walks over to them.

3rd Person

Hi guys. Whatcha doin?

CUT TO:

Thoren changing the channel again.

Thoren

I don’t understand that, man…

 

Narrator

Meanwhile, Romulus and Damian, the FBI Agents, are plotting a crack down on the so called “Cheez House” of Jacoby’s. What could this mean for Jacoby and Thoren?!

CUT TO:

ROMULUS is sitting at a table with his legs up on the table. He’s reading a book. DAMIAN goes over to him.

Damian

Hey Romulus. Are we supposed to be doing something?

 

Romulus

I’M not…YOU are. You’re supposed to be getting my Freakin’ Chicken Fried Rice from the Chinese Food Palace!

 

Damian

Oh yeah…I’m sorry…

 

Romulus

Don’t worry about it. Go get my food, I’m hungry. Right now, Damian. Don’t make me tell you again.

 

Damian

Ok.

CUT TO:

Damian gets into his car and drives to the Chinese Food Palace. He goes through the drive through. You can see Damian leaning outside of the car window to talk to the DRIVE THROUGH GUY

Damian

Hi. I’d like some chicken fried rice…beef and broccoli…

 

Drive Through Guy

We don’t have any of those here.

 

Damian

….what are you talking about? This is a Chinese food place.

 

Drive Through Guy

It is? Oh yeah…sorry…I used to work at Payless Shoesource, we don’t call anything by name there. Ok, what else do you want?

 

Damian

And then…hey wait a second…haven’t I seen you before?

 

Drive Through Guy

Wait…what are you talking about?

 

Damian

Yeah! I saw you before!

CUT TO:

Damian opening the glove compartment, and getting a wanted poster with the Drive Through Guy’s face on it.

CUT TO:

Damian leaning outside the car window to talk to Drive Through Guy

Damian

You’re the Infamous Bunny Stealer!

 

Drive Through Guy

Uhhhhhhh………………..

 

Drive Through Guy runs away, and Damian gets out of his car and runs after him. He eventually catches him.

 

Drive Through Guy

I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING MAN, LET ME GO OW YOU’RE HURTING MY SPLEEN!

 

Damian

QUIET!

 

Narrator

Yes, Damian is a gooooooood FBI Agent isn’t he?

CUT TO:

Romulus talking to Damian.

Romulus

So, then through all this, did you get ANY food for me?

 

Damian

Ah….no…

 

Romulus

RRRRRRGHHHH!!!! Now I’m mad. I’m going to go beat the pillow…

 

Narrator

Romulus has some anger management problems. Whenever he gets mad, he beats a pillow.

CUT TO:

Thoren, looking at his wrist (there is no watch on it)

Thoren

Hey, isn’t someone supposed to come over to buy some of this stuff soon?

The camera is at an angle that you see Jacoby’s face, kind of faded. And as he talks, you see someone walking by the window toward the door.

Jacoby

Ah…yeah…

The doorbell rings and Jacoby gets up and opens the door for him.

CUT TO:

A shot from far away. Someone (the FBI Agents) are spying on the house. You can see Jacoby looking around the guy at the door, to make sure no one sees them.

CUT TO:

Romulus looking at the house through the car window.

Romulus

Hahaha…got you now…

CUT TO:

Inside of the house. Jacoby lets Daek in, and Daek sits on the couch across from the couch Thoren is sitting on. Daek has sunglasses on.

Daek

Jacoby, Thoren. How’s it going?

 

Jacoby

Pretty good, pretty good…want some?

Jacoby waves his hands down toward the Cheez-Its and Sugar.

Daek

No, thanks anyway. I gotta drive home you know. I don’t wanna fall into a Sugar trip or a Cheese Odyssey while I’m driving on the Freeway. Anyway, down to business. I need 3 kilos of Sugar, and 45 boxes of Cheez-Its by tonight.

 

Thoren

3 KILOS!? 45 BOXES?! That’s enough for a whole country!

 

Daek

Exactly. I recently found out that Mexico doesn’t get Any Cheez-Its, and most of their sugar is really bad.

 

Jacoby

That’s not a lot of time.

 

Daek

If you can’t supply me by then, tell me now, I’ll look for someone else.

Jacoby

We’ll do it. Don’t be thinking we’re amateurs.

Daek nods his head and smiles. He looks over to the TV.

Daek

What are you WATCHING?

CUT TO:

The TV. There’s 2 guys playing Patty Cake.

CUT TO:

Thoren shielding his eyes.

Thoren

AGH! NICK JUNIOR! I will be forever scarred.

Jacoby

Change the channel, fool!

CUT TO:

The TV again. Its on another show. The title displays: DR. DAVE

Dr. Dave

Hi, my name is Dr. Dave, and this is Dr. Dave. This is the show where I listen to your sob stories and tell you stop doing the things you’re doing wrong and if you succeed, I’ll show the story about how you succeeded and if you fail, don’t be expecting a call back.

CUT TO:

Jacoby and Thoren look at each other.

Jacoby

I think that’s enough TV for today.

 

Daek

I must be going now.

Daek gets up and leaves.

CUT TO:

Outside shot of Daek coming out of the house. He gives an “OK” sign toward the camera.

CUT TO:

Romulus looking at Damian

Romulus

They took the bait! Now there’ll be agents swarming all around the place in 10 minutes. But I ain’t waiting that long.

Romulus takes out his gun and cocks it.

Damian

Uh, Romulus…shouldn’t we wait for-

 

Romulus

NO! And if anybody asks, they fired on us first, and it went into the air. Let’s go.

Romulus and Damian put ski masks on, and get out of the car.

CUT TO:

Jacoby and Thoren come out of the house.

Thoren

Where are we going to get all of those illegal items in such a short amount of time?

 

Jacoby

I know a guy. His name is Ralph. Over at Ralph’s is where we’ll get it all.

Music starts playing, as a slow motion shot of Jacoby and Thoren start walking toward the car. The shots go back and forth between them walking, and Damian and Romulus behind their car. Romulus is counting on his fingers, and once he says three, they run out from behind the car, with their guns firing toward Jacoby and Thoren. Jacoby and Thoren get into the car quickly, and drive away. Damian stands in the middle of the street stamping his feet on the ground.

Damian

NOOOO! NO NO NO NO!!

 

Romulus (off screen)

Damian! GET IN THE CAR!

Damian gets into the car, and they drive off after them.

CUT TO:

Another residential street. Reganald is there alone in the middle of the street, screaming.

Reganald

I’M GONNA DIE! AHHHH!!!

There’s no cars coming at all.

Reganald

….

Then Jacoby’s car comes out from behind a corner. Since Reganald was in the way, Jacoby stopped the car right at him. Jacoby turns the car off and gets out of the car.

Jacoby

REGANALD! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

 

Thoren

JACOBY, NOT NOW! THE FBI IS AFTER US!

Jacoby doesn’t listen to Thoren, and Jacoby starts punching Reganald. The FBI agents stop right behind the car and get out.

Romulus

FREEZE!!!

 

Damian

STOP RIGHT THERE!

Thoren gets out of the car and goes next to Jacoby. Reganald is on the floor knocked out, and both Jacoby and Thoren look at Romulus and Damian.

Romulus

Hahaa…running from the FBI…that’s a 3 year minimum. You’re goin away for a loooong time.

 

Damian

Hope you like toss salad!

CUT TO:

Thoren whispering to Jacoby

Thoren

I don’t like toss salad, Jacoby.

 

Jacoby

Don’t worry. We’ll be sitting back home watching mindless programming soon enough. Take their guns away from them….NOW!

Thoren and Jacoby charge Romulus and Damian, and they get into a fist fight. Both of their guns drop onto the floor. After a lot of dramatic fighting, Romulus and Damian prevail and get their guns. Romulus points it at Jacoby.

Romulus

Where you’re going, you’ll be having roasted wieners everyday.

Romulus shoots Jacoby, and Jacoby falls down.

Thoren

Jacobyyyyy!!! Noooo!!!

Romulus and Damian point their guns toward Thoren and shoot Thoren. He falls too. Romulus turns to Damian.

Romulus

Good job. Wanna get some doughnuts?

 

Damian

Sure.

CUT TO:

A focus in on both Jacoby and Thoren’s faces. Emotional music plays, as it fades out.

Narrator

Yes, it’s a very sad thing. Through all they’ve been through and all they’ve shown us, we have one thing to learn from their deaths. If you deal, you gamble with your life. It’s a sad thing too. Thoren never got to play Mortal Kombat Racing, and Jacoby never got to taste the greatness that is KFC Chicken.

CUT TO:

Romulus and Damian sitting outside the doughnut shop on the curb.

Damian

Romulus…I feel bad about what we did.

 

Romulus

Don’t worry about it, we’re FBI Agents.

 

Damian

But still…

 

Romulus

Please, spare me your moral speech, its time to dance!

A song starts playing, and everyone starts dancing, as the credits roll.

FADE OUT.

 

Gullah Gullah LA

(theme song, sung to Gullah Gullah Island theme song)

Come and let’s play together,

In the bright, sunny desert

Lets all go to-

Gullah Gullah LA-AA!

Lots to steal and to do

Where all the molesters

Come to steal our kids

Lets-all-go-to!

Gullah Gullah LA-AAA!

Gullah Gullah!

Gullah Gullah in an apartment building!

(end of song)

(scene starts out focused on an eviction notice. It says: )

Eviction Notice from Gullah Gullah Police Department

You must leave within 30 days or we will bust shit up

(the door with the eviction notice opens, and the members of the family come out with suitcases)

(Mama Gullah, Papa Gullah, Garret Gullah, Sara Gullah, and Froggy Gullah go outside)

Mama Gullah: say goodbye to our home, family

Garret Gullah: I don’t wanna leave!

Sara Gullah: waaaaah! (cries)

Froggy Gullah: hop!

(Froggy Gullah is wearing an Indiana Jones hat)

Papa Gullah (from the minivan): common guys, L.A.’s just around the corner!

Mama Gullah: don’t lie to the children like that, you KNOW its across a whole ocean.

Papa Gullah: that’s why were’ going to sing a song while we drive through the ocean!

(music starts playing, and Mama Gullah bursts out into a solo)

Mama Gullah: lots of adventures and lesson await while we drive through the ocean-wide ocean! Once we get to a beach in L.A., we’ll run over a surfer or twooooooo-oooooooh!

(music picks up the beat)

Papa Gullah: so lets all say goodbye and get on with our lives! We’ll leave this 8 mile wide multiracial, equal island, and go to a million mile wide city, with racist gangsters everywhere we goooo!

(Papa Gullah gets out of the minivan as he holds the note on “gooo”)

(the children, frog, and mama dance harmoniously with papa at the same time. Papa Gullah opens the sliding minivan door and everyone piles in, except for Mama Gullah, she dances around the van and gets in the passenger seat)

Papa: off we go!

(music ends)

(Papa stops in front of a trailer home)

Garret Gullah: what are we doing here, Papa?

Papa Gullah: I need to get something from my old pal Rod…

(Papa Gullah pulls down the visor and gets a baseball bat)

Papa Gullah: Papa will be right back

Mama Gullah: Papa, give him a good swing for me

Papa Gullah: ok, dear.

(Papa Gullah gets out of the car and walks toward the trailer home)

Garret Gullah: what’s swing?

Mama Gullah: a type of music. Listen.

(pretty soon after Papa goes to the trailer home, you can hear screams and vases shattering)

Garret Gullah: wow! Swing sounds good!

(in a couple minutes Papa Gullah runs out and gets in the minivan)

Papa Gullah: go go go!

(the minivan drives off into the ocean)

(the scene cuts to the minivan driving out of the ocean at Huntington Beach)

(the minivan has seaweed all over it, and as they drive up, they run over a surfer)

Babe (off screen): Charlieeee! —NOOOOOO!!! Whooda thunk he’d be run over by a car in the ocean?

(suddenly lots of people with shotguns ran up to the minivan)

Papa Gullah: oh shit! it’s a gang!

Garret Gullah: what’s a shit?

Mama Gullah: shut the fuck up!

(the guys with shotguns shoot all of them the end. This sucks. I hate Gullah Gullah Island. Good riddance, I’m glad they cancelled that show)

 

Recycle Now or Die PSA

(Mel Gibson comes out of the shadows)

 

Mel Gibson (speaking in a Scottish accent): ay! I’m William Wallace, or that guy from What Women Want, or that guy from The Patriot or one of my other 100s of crap movies I’ve made, but I’m paid by the government to be William Wallace for this public service announcement.

 

(scene switches to a can on the floor next to a recycle bin)

(Mel goes over and picks it up and throws it in the bin)

 

Mel Gibson: the government has decided Americans are too lazy, so they have made a new program, called Recycle Now or Die. The government used to endorse the peaceful “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” program, but….nothing was happening. With Recycle Now or Die, an elite group of strong Scottish men from the movie Braveheart will kill whoever doesn’t recycle. Let’s show what happens to this litterer:

 

(fades to a guy drinking a can of soda)

(the guy finishes his soda, and throws it on the ground, when there’s a recycle bin right next to him)

(a focus on the can, and it tilts up, and you see 4 people in kilts “hiding” behind a tree, crouching. One has a sword and the other 3 have spears)

(Big Willy jumps and screams)

 

Big Willy: CHARGEEEEE!!!

 

(all 4 of them get up and run towards the guy with their weapons in front of them)

 

Guy: oh my fucking God! The Scottish are invading!

 

Big Willy: You didn’t recycle, we’re going to kill you!

 

(all 4 jump on top of the guy and start beating his ass down)

(while they’re beating him, Mel Gibson walks in front of the scene, and the camera focuses in on his face)

 

Mel Gibson: Don’t let this be you. Recycle Now, or you WILL die

 

(end)

 

Pie-der Man

The way I made this, is so that the main character can easily be “known” where he would be during the times in the actual Spiderman movie, and sometimes is actually around where Peter Parker is…yeah..


(the camera swoops in on Nickelback and the guy from Saliva on top of a building singing)Saliva guy: somebody told meeeee

Both: that a heroooo can save us! I’m not standin’ here a-waittttinnnggg and…

(they keep singing)

(a sniper team runs through a door to the roof Nickelback is on, and they shoot everyone in the head)

Commander: god damn I hate that song.

(scene switches to Liter Carker)

(Liter is an annoying little shit with huge ass glasses and a Batman shirt)

Liter: oh man…almost got it….

(Liter is by his window looking at Mary Jane in her house, beating his shit. Liter lives on the other side of Peter Parker)

Liter: oh yeah there it is.

(Liter throws his sock into the hamper and zips up his pants. His brother comes in)

Meter: Hey, Liter. I lost a sock, mind if I use yours? Thanks pal.

(Meter picks up the sock Liter just used and goes back to his room)

Liter: oh shit. I better get to school before Meter puts his foot into my jizz.

(Liter puts his backpack on and runs out the door, before his aunt and uncle say anything to him. Liter closes the door with a slam. Uncle Bone Saw McGraw looks at Aunt Chyna)

Randy: what was his hurry?

Chyna: I honestly don’t have a clue

Meter (from upstairs): what the FUCK!

(scene switches to Liter getting on the bus, going all the way to the back)

Liter: phew…

(the bus goes, and after a while, Peter Parker runs after the bus)

Liter: haha, that stupid ass

(the bus driver, being the asshole he is, doesn’t stop for Peter)

Mary Jane: Stop! He’s been chasing after us since that street behind us!

Bus driver: alright fine

(the bus stops, and Peter gets on)

Peter: than….k…you….

Liter (whispering): what a fag

(at school)

Teacher: ok, assholes, get on the bus, lets go to that stupid science place thing with the genetically altered spiders and other scientific junk

Student: why are we going, again?

Teacher: shut yo mouth

(Tanya, a fairly ugly girl with herpes, walks over to Liter)

Tanya: hi Liter

Liter: hi Tanya

Tanya: excited about the field trip?

Liter: sure…

(behind Liter, you can see Peter Parker going around taking pictures and being annoying)

Teacher: on the bus, assholes!

Tanya: comon, let’s go!

(Tanya tugs on Liter, but unfortunately for Liter there were 2 buses going on field trips that day. The one he was supposed to get on and the kindergarten one going to the Genetically Altered Pie Factory. Before Liter can notice this, he was shoved on board with Tanya. The bus driver drives away thinking they were the teachers.)

Liter: uhh….I think this is the wrong bus

Tanya: crap, children. I’m allergic to those.

Bus driver: hey, are you guys the teachers? You look dorky and ugly enough

Liter: shut the hell up. No we’re not

Bus driver: too bad! You are now! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

(an hour later, the Bus driver is still laughing)

Liter: Shut up! You stupid old asshole!

Bus driver: oh-ho! Just see if I’ll come and pick you guys up!

Liter: you can’t leave us here with 30 kindergarteners!

Bus driver: watch me. Muhh! Muhhhh! Muhahahahaha! We’re here, get off.

(everyone gets off, and Tanya has a few kindergarteners hanging off her)

Tanya: help me, Liter!

Liter: die, stupid bitch

(Tanya didn’t hear that because a kindergartener screamed in her ear)

Tanya: oh man, I need some Asprin…

Liter: well, we might as well go to the pie factory

(the bus drives off just as the last kid gets his leg off)

(a clown jumps out of nowhere)

Clown: howdy howdy howdy! I’m a clown, and I’ll be your tour guide today!

Liter: where’d you come from!?

Clown: blah blah blah lets go

(everyone goes into the pie factory)

Clown: this is the entrance, and Pies of Fame Corridor. Who cares about that though! Let’s go into the radioactive bakery!

(everyone piles into a dimly lit room, with a big turbine spinning around)

Clown: look what I found! A genetically altered and potentially dangerous pieee!

(Clown slams it in Liter’s face)

Clown: bwahahahahaha!

(scenes of DNA being replaced with multicolored things is shown)

Liter: you stupid fuck! You got pie in my pocket protector! You-die-NOW!

(Liter slams his hands together)

Liter: these hands of mine are burning red! It tells me to destroy you! Shiniiingggg Fingeeerrrrr!

(Liter leans back and then slams his hand into Clown’s face, holding onto it)

Clown: oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

(nothing happens after a while. Just a really long squeaking from the clown’s nose)

Liter: hey! Why didn’t you blow up? It always worked on G Gundam…

Clown: ha! Loser! Don’t you know its just a TV show?

Liter: no! it’s a lie! You lie! Its REAL!

Clown: bwahahahaha!

(Liter falls on the ground in a fetal position. The kindergarteners all take out shotguns and start shooting shit up)

Leader Kindergartner: take the fort, men! Don’t leave any survivors!

(but that’s a different story)

(later on in the day, the bus full of the kindergarteners drives by school, at 50 mph, tossing Tanya and Liter out)

Liter (rolling on the ground): ah shit

Tanya (getting up): what the hell happened?

Liter: nothing. I’m going home

Tanya: can I go, too?

Liter: ….to YOUR house, sure

(Liter runs away)

(at home)

Bone Saw McGraw: yo bitch

Chyna: yes, my lovely husband?

Bone Saw McGraw: where be our nephew?

(Liter comes in the door)

Liter: hi parents. I don’t feel too good, I’m going to bed

Chyna: that’s good

Bone Saw McGraw: hey there nephew, how about you come over here, and sit on ol’ daddy’s lap? I need to talk to ye!

Liter: um no its ok, I’m going to bed

(Liter goes to bed)

(next day)

(Liter gets up and looks at himself in the mirror)

Liter: yeah that’s it baby, give me some more

(Liter poses in the mirror. Nothing changed about him from the day before)

Liter: time to jack off

(Liter drops his pants and sits on his chair by the window)

Liter: Mary Jaaaane…where arrreee youuuu? I’ve got a nice, big Klingon cock for you to use your lasers on….

(Mary Jane doesn’t come to her window like she usually does)

Liter: dammit.

(Liter pulls up his pants)

Liter: now I’m going to be in a bad mood today…

(Liter goes downstairs)

Bone Saw McGraw: hey kiddo! I’m gonna be late coming home from work today. They’ve got me doin’ one of those things where people stay in the ring for 3 minutes with my raging fists of anger from atop the heavens ooooh yeah brother, you’d better believe it!

Chyna: I do!

Bone Saw McGraw: shut your bitch trap!

Liter: I don’t care.

(Bone Saw McGraw is hurt very much by this comment)

Bone Saw McGraw: go on to school now…

(Bone Saw McGraw sighs and looks down on the ground)

(Liter leaves)

Chyna: I’m sure he didn’t mean it

Bone Saw McGraw: I SAID SHUT YOUR BITCH TRAP, WOMAN!

(Bone Saw McGraw picks up a steel chair and slams it into Chyna’s side)

Chyna: oh I love it when you beat me down!

Randy: yaaaaarghhh!!

(at school. Its lunch)

Liter: man, I feel like eating a pie for some reason

(Liter picks up a Hostess apple fruit pie and buy sit)

(Liter is about to pen it when Tanya knocks into Liter over and over as she talks)

Tanya: hey Liter! Hey Liter hey Liter!

Liter: stop pushing me!

(Tanya backs off and jumps up and down)

Tanya: Peter Parker and that jackass that I wanna give an STD are fighting!

Liter: oh shit, I gotta see this. Peter is going to get whipped creamed!

(Liter runs into the hall where a crowd has gathered, and as soon as he got with the crowd, Peter punches the jackass and the jackass slides away on the floor)

Liter: what the hell? That makes no sense…

(Mary Jane yells something at Peter then goes away)

(later on, at home)

Chyna: emergency, emergency! Randy-I mean Bone Saw has been beaten at the wrestling tournament

Liter: oh no!

Chyna: some guy named Spider Man beat him down! We need to go to the hospital

(the scene switches to Bone Saw McGraw on a hospital bed, going through doors)

Doctor: common! The baby is going to come any minute!

Bone Saw McGraw: I ain’t havin’ baby, mister! You stop this bed before I clash my raging fists into your face, ooooh yeah brother!

Doctor: get the tranqs…this man is clearly delirious of his state. He is pregnant.

(Bone Saw McGraw wakes up)

Bone Saw McGraw: nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

(Chyna and Liter are in the room)

Liter: Randy, what happened

Randy: I hed a nightmare! They was takin’ me to the operating room cause they said I had a baby in my stomach, but I was tellin’ them otherwise but then tranquilized me!

Chyna: uhhh….hunh….

Randy: ooooh, I’m gonna kil that Spider Man for puttin’ me here!

(Randy pounds his fist into his hand, and then grabs his shoulder, cause it hurts)

Bone Saw McGraw: oh well, let’s see what’s on the tube

TV: Today, a man died because he was shot. His name was Uncle Ben or something. And no, he didn’t make the food company, because the guy that died is white, like everyone else in New York, in this movie. In other news, Bone Saw McGraw aka Randy Savage was beaten by a scrawny little kid who could take a mean jump to the top of the cage, in the cage match. And I’m pissed off cause I bet on that match.

(it shows some footage from the fight)

TV: look at Randy fall, what an idiot-

Bone Saw McGraw: enough of this crap!

(Bone Saw McGraw turns it off)

Bone Saw McGraw: promise me, Liter, that one day that you, my adopted son, will be above the heavens and kill Spider Man. Me and your mom will teach you the ways of the wrestler – the unsafe way

Liter: don’t I get a say in this?

Bone Saw McGraw: no.

(the camera pans to the left, and a guy in a suit is there)

Guy: and so Liter trained and trained, and soon learned how to kick ass, fake and for real.

(a shot of Liter bodyslamming Randy onto the mat)

Liter (flexing): yeah!

(Bone Saw, a little disoriented, gives a thumbs up as the scene cross fades to Liter sitting at a desk)

Guy: Liter kept up with his studies, too, just in case he ever had to be in a spelling bee with Spider-Man

(the TV, showing scenes of Spider Man saving everyone at the parade from the Green Goblin)

Liter: that damn Spider Man!

(Liter throws some popcorn at the TV as it cross fades again)

Guy: Liter was also on WWE Tough Enough, but lost to a girl with big breasts

(a part of the episode displays)

(Liter is giving a “confession”)

Liter: seriously, do they think they can really win? I have muscles the size of their mom’s asses combined and-

(it cuts a girl, Ashley)

Ashley: boy, does Liter SMELL! We’re living in this big mansion and it smells like a dump! What kind of a mansion is like that? God, I need to get drunk

(cuts back to Liter)

Liter: ok, I admit I have some….”problems,” but so is the life of a wrestler! We shave our pits! Uncle Bone Saw said so himself…

(cuts to George)

George: what a bastard, every time we’re in the ring, having a friendly spar, he always grabs me and throws me out of the ring. I bet he thinks he can’t win fairly, so he’s going to try to injure us all! But I’m no baby, and he ain’t my mom throwing me from the crib!

(cuts to George and Ashley making out at a bar, both drunk)

Liter: that bastard George, I wanted to get some of that ass, but I’m still a virgin….did I just say that?

(cross fades to Liter at home lifting weights)

(Bone Saw bursts through the door)

Bone Saw McGraw: the Green Goblin died! Dammit! Time for a new super villain. Getchyo ass upstairs and start destroying stuff! OOOOH yeah, brother!

(scene cuts to Liter grabbing an old lady and punching her in the arm)

Old Lady: ow! Ow! Help me!

Liter: yes, old lady, scream for help! Call for Spider Man!

(Old Lady takes out a bottle from her purse)

Old Lady: how about I call MaceMan?

Liter: eh?

(Old Lady sprays mace into Liter’s eyes)

Liter (falling to the ground): IT BURNS!!

Old Lady: ahahahah! Die SUCKA!

(Old Lady keeps spraying Liter until its empty, then she takes out the Amazing Sharper Image Fold-up-into-your-purse-able pogo stick and jumps off)

(Liter is on the ground shaking)

(scene cuts to Liter on a chair)

Bone Saw McGraw: an old lady. Beat you….my son?

Liter: she had very potent mace Uncle Randy. It was MaceMan mace!

Bone Saw McGraw: there is no sucha thing! She was making fun of you, because you trying to make her call Spider Man! Can’t-you-make-that CONNECTION?

Liter: ………………………………………………………………………………………………..no……………..

Bone Saw McGraw: go to your room until the burning wears off!

Liter: but I have 15 coats of mace on! She sprayed a hairspray bottle full of that shit on me! I even have a shine to my skin!

Bone Saw McGraw: Don’t make me punish you more, that IS your punishment oooh yeah brother!

Guy: so Liter stayed there for 3 full days building uphis rage

Liter: that damn Spider Man made me get sprayed by mace and made me stay in here. OOOOOH I HATE HIM!

(scene switches to Bone Saw McGraw throwing Liter out of the house)

Bone Saw McGraw: and don’t come back until you kill Spider Man! Or until its dinner-time!

(Bone Saw McGraw slams the door)

Liter: the world will crumble when Liter Carker unleashes his terror onto the streets)

(what happened to Meter Carker after all this time, you may ask?)

(Meter Carker is in Vegas playing CRAPS)

Meter: comonnn….aww man!

Dealer: you lost, and you have no money anymore

Meter: fine, if I lose, I’ll give a BJ to someone for each $100 they put down for me

(Michael Jackson puts down $10,000 for Meter)

Michael: make him lose, deala

Meter: ……….shit…

(anyway. That could be a different story, tell me if you want it to be)

(anyway)

Liter: hmm…how to drive out Spider Man…

(Mary Jane walks across the street)

Liter: whoah, is that Mary Jane?

Mary Jane: uhh….

(Mary Jane looks over to Liter)

Mary Jane: who are you again?

Liter: Liter Carker!

Mary Jane: Liter Carker? You’ve….gotten….

Liter: stronger? Sexier?

Mary Jane: smellier….I thought Ashley was over exaggerating, but you reek.

Liter: ………..yeah…..well…..

Mary Jane: bye….

(Meanwhile, atop a building, Spider Ma is watching the scene)

Spider Man: hmm! Who the hell is that? He’s crampin in on my territory!

(Spider Man swings down and kicks Liter in the chest, and Liter flies into a tree)

Liter: what da FUCK!

Spider Man: you stupid FUCK! Mary Jane is mine!

Liter: your MOMS mine!

Spider Man: my mom’s dead

Liter: oh….

(Spider Man wraps Liter in web fluid)

Spider Man: hahahah! Sucka!

(Spider Man flies off)

Liter: I’ll get you Spider Man!

(Liter struggles around and the fruit pie he bought 5 years ago drops out of his pocket. Liter bursts out of the webbing and picks up the pie)

Liter: hmm…might as well eat it

(camera swoops into Liter’s mouth as he eats the pie. When he does, he “powers up.” His muscles get bigger and he squeezes the pie, and it smooshes)

Liter: whoaaa! I got stronger! Now I can kick Spider Man’s ass

(Liter picks up a lamp post out of the ground and flies into the air. He eventually catches up to Spider Man)

Spider Man: what the hell? How can you fly? And where did you get that lamp post from?

Liter: what? Do you want one? Here!

(Liter slams it into Spider Man’s face and he drops onto the street, getting hit by a few cars)

(Liter lands next to Spider Man’s mangled body)

Liter: ah haha!

(Liter raises his hands up, as he laughs, and 2 pies appear in his hands)

Liter: what the hell?

(Liter looks at the pies in his hand and tosses it at SpiderMan)

(a huge explosion. Liter flies into the air crashing into a building)

Liter: hey hey! How about that?

(a spinning newspaper goes up to the camera out of nothing, and headlines read: “Spider Man dead, Pie-der Man born!” another headline says “Spider Man pieces scavenger hunt! Lots of fun!”)

Liter: bwahahahaha! Now I’m the stupid guy that saves the city! Shower me with gifts!

(Liter is sitting on a throne, and a line of people with wrapped packages go by one by one dropping off the present)

(while Liter is enjoying his “royal status” an evil presence was looming by, atop a building)

(Michael Jackson and Meter Carker, with one hand around each other’s waists, looking over the city)

MJ: all this will be ours, Meter

Meter: yes.

(both laughing): bwahhahaahah!

(end)

(believe it or not this is my lead off for a sequel. You DO want a sequel don’t you? And what happened to Tanya? Find out next time, in Pie-der Man 2: Hide Your Kids, MJ is here!)

 

Keep Your City Clean PSA

PSA Guy: hello, I’m the Public Service Announcement Guy, and I’m here, getting payed, to tell you that you should keep your litter and trash inside trash cans. Here to tell you step by step is Gwyneth Paltrow and Smokems the Ravenous Bear

Gwyneth Paltrow: hello, I’m Gwyneth Paltrow

(the camera goes to Smokems, and he has a joint)

(somewhere off screen): OH MY GOD! HOW’D HE GET A JOIN!? RUN!!

(camera goes back to Gwyneth)

Gwyneth: and I’m here to tell you –

(Smokems flies out of nowhere, tackling Gwyneth, and ripping her to shreds)

(the camera gets knocked over)

(technical difficulties)

(end)

 

Daves of Our Lives Episode 7

After attempting to set a new record by beating his meat to the same picture for 8 hours, Dave was rudely interrupted by an IM from a mysterious Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot34@aol.com (appearently Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot 1-33 were already taken) Dave was intrigued because he had never heard any appraise for squackle…ahem…suquakle before… all the “fan mail” was actually him incognito. Thier conversation went a little something like this

(note: ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34=Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot34)

ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34: i love you

Davepoobond: brb, i just started beating it.

(approx. 36 seconds later)

Davepoobond: ok, done

ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34: Will you marry me?

Davepoobond: yeah, ok

(Davepoobond and ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34 get married via getmarriedtoatotalstrangerovertheinternet.net)

On next week’s episode!: Will Dave and his secret admirer meet? Will ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34 turn out to be a 4’3″ overweight slightly balding spanish speaking hill troll with a pair of wire frame glasses and a stutter? the answers to that and more….is yes.

 

Bleeding Eyes / The River

This script was later loosely used in creating a movie called The River, made by the members of Squackle. Later on, there was a “Director’s Cut” Released, which was a cleaned up version of the first movie.

Original version:

 

Director’s Cut:

 

 

NARRATOR (voice over):

Everybody has a story to tell. His is just more extraordinary than most.

CUT TO:

EXT: A park. Oliver Crane is sitting on a bench with a pile of computer books at his side. He is a large, overweight young person with long greasy hair and sloppy clothes. The book he is reading is entitled “Computer Programming in the BASIC Language”. Two other young people walk by. One of them yells

YOUNG PERSON 1:

Hey loser, BASIC’s dead.

Oliver looks up with a hurt look on his face. After the kids pass laughing he says

OLIVER:

But my only computer is a 1983 Apple IIGS.

.Oliver puts his hands on his face and begins to cry.

NARRATOR (voice over):

Believe it or not, that was the start of a beautiful relationship. Between a boy and his eyes.

Oliver takes his hands away and they are covered in blood.

Cue Music: “I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight”

CUT TO:

Title Screen: “Bleeding Eyes”.

CUT TO:

Picture of extremely cute baby.

NARRATOR (voice over):

Some people are born cute.

CUT TO:

Picture of extremely ugly baby.

NARRATOR (voice over):

Oliver Crane was not.

CUT TO:

Picture of ugly toddler.

NARRATOR (voice over):

He was ugly as a toddler

CUT TO:

Picture of ugly little kid.

NARRATOR (voice over):

He was ugly as a little kid.

CUT TO:

Picture of ugly kid at about age 10.

NARRATOR (voice over):

He was ugly as a ten year old.

CUT TO:

Picture of the kid previously seen in the first scene.

NARRATOR (voice over):

And he was an ugly teen. For some people obesity is a disease, for others it’s a way of life.

CUT TO:

Picture of Oliver with a big sandwich.

CUT TO:

Oliver is walking down the hall with his head down. The hall is empty. He approaches a locker and makes an attempt to open it. It refuses to open. He repeats this motion throughout the narration.

NARRATOR (voice over):

He was your typical high school student. President of the chess team, the drum line, and the computer club.

He was notorious for sitting in corners and crying for a half an hour or more.

Oliver gives up and screams with rage as he kicks and punches the locker. Realizing this was a bad idea, he tries to comfort his hand and foot at the same time resulting in him falling over.

NARRATOR (voice over):

Then there was his home life.

CUT TO:

INT: an average American kitchen complete with stove, oven, and sink. Oliver is sitting at the counter with a half empty glass of water. He spits in it. Enter his MOTHER, a terrifying woman.

MOTHER:

You little butt rash. You don’t spit in water. Water was given to us by the Indians on the fourth of July in 1945.

They don’t spit on the Mercedes’ we gave them in trade. It’s time to die demon. You will die and it will hurt I assure you.

She pulls out a frying pan of about medium size.

MOTHER:

Let there be light!

She hits him in the side of the head with the frying pan.

CUT TO:

Shot of Oliver’s feet. He suddenly falls over and blood spills onto the floor.

CUT TO:

The shot we left off at from the first scene where he uncovers his eyes and there’s blood all over his hands.

NARRATOR (voice over):

He now had a gift, and things would never be the same.

CUT TO:

BLACK SCREEN: “8 years later”.

CUT TO:

EXT: Empty park bench.

NARRATOR (voice over):

The injury had taken its toll on him. Among the symptoms he suffered from were hair loss

from the sides of his head, a loss of two inches of height, and severe weight loss.

Enter the new Oliver, sits down, unwraps and begins to eat a sandwich.

NARRATOR (voice over):

This was the new Oliver. And the new Oliver was a gardener.

CUT TO:

EXT: A Garden. Oliver is hoeing with headphones on. He looks at his watch, throws the hoe down, takes a sandwich out of his pocket and starts to eat it. Turns around and walks away.

NARRATOR (voice over):

That evening, Oliver decided he was hungry and stopped in at Pap Donovan’s in house market

for some pastry and a cup of Brazilian coffee with two lumps of sugar as well as a pinch of salt.

CUT TO:

EXT: A house with a sign that says “Pap Donovan’s In House Market”. Oliver enters.

CUT TO:

INT: A kitchen with a refrigerator. Enter Oliver who stops suddenly. Next camera shot shows a MAN WITH A CLUB trying to rob PAP DONOVAN.

MAN WITH CLUB:

Give me your money.

PAP DONOVAN:

Okay sir.

Attempts to walk to the money box. Man with club pushes him girlishly.

MAN WITH CLUB:

Give me your money.

PAP DONOVAN:

This is getting redundant. We’ve been doing this for half an hour.

 

OLIVER (near tears):

Oh my god! This is the most frightening situation of my adult life.

MAN WITH CLUB:

Shut up!

You hear Oliver begin to cry offscreen. Man with club looks dismayed, drops his club and runs outside. He gets tackled by the cops and beaten by nightsticks. We then see Oliver, his face is covered with blood and he has a maniacal look on his face.

NARRATOR (voice over):

So it begins. His destiny awaits.

CUT TO:

INT: A bedroom. Oliver is on the phone.

OLIVER:

Yeah, I have super powers. My eyes bleed. People get scared.

I’m not sure what you’re getting at but it sounds pretty super to me.

hy don’t you shut the hell up? No you shut the hell up. No you shut the hell up.

No you shut the hell up. Fine. Fine. Alright. Fine. (Hangs up the phone) Okay, so no sidekick.

Oliver walks into closet. Walks out with an oversized shirt, sunglasses, shorts, and boots on. He vogues in front of the mirror.

OLIVER:

This will do.

Cue music “You’re the Best” from the karate kid soundtrack.

CUT TO:

A Picture of a flyer saying “THE RIVER, YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD SUPER HERO”, specks of blood on it.

CUT TO:

Man runs out of store screaming. Quick shot of Oliver with blood in tear form on his face.

CUT TO:

Man drops bag of groceries and runs away holding his butt like he just pooped himself. Quick shot of Oliver with blood in tear form on his face.

CUT TO:

Man peering into a window with a pair of binoculars, turns around to see Oliver with his eyes bleeding. Hands Oliver the binoculars and runs away while fanning himself with his fans. Oliver then looks in.

CUT TO:

PEDESTRIAN 1 talking as if in an interview

PEDESTRIAN 1:

He’s incredible. He has such power. I’d let him kiss my baby if he ran for mayor. Maybe even my wife.

CUT TO:

PEDESTRIAN 2 talking as if in an interview

PEDESTRIAN 2:

I love him. I think I’m going to buy a “THE RIVER” doll and sleep with him at night to keep me safe. His eyes bleed you know.

CUT TO:

Talk show format. Oliver and MR. PHILLIPS are the guests of the TALK SHOW HOST.

MR. PHILLIPS:

Your eyes bleed. That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I wouldn’t want you to save my life. You’re a stupid superhero.

OLIVER:

Oh yeah!

 

MR. PHILLIPS:

Yeah!

 

OLIVER:

Oh yeah!

 

MR. PHILLIPS:

Yeah!

 

OLIVER:

Oh yeah!

 

TALK SHOW HOST:

I feel a rumble coming on here.

Both Oliver and Mr. Phillips stand up. Cut music.

CUT TO:

A Flyer reading “Super villain needed, call 555-3255 and give your personal statement.

CUT TO:

An Answering Machine. It comes on, ALBERT is on the phone.

ALBERT:

Hello Mr. “The River”. My name is Albert and I think that I’m the perfect candidate to be your super villain.

I have several reasons for thinking this. First of all, I’m mean and I can hold a grudge if I have to.

Second, I’m really tall; I often introduce myself as Albert six foot seven. Lastly, I don’t like to leave my house…ever.

I think I could do this without leaving my couch.

If you choose me for your super villain you can find me at 369 Santa Inez Road, Warehouse apartment 188.

I’m there pretty much all day. Have a pleasant afternoon Mr. “The River”. This is Albert signing out.

CUT TO:

INT: Albert is sitting in a chair in front of the TV watching Spongebob Squarepants with a box of Cap N’ Crunch. The door opens and Oliver walks in.

OLIVER:

You’ve been foiled villain.

He whips off his glasses.

ALBERT:

Oh Crap.

CREDITS.

 

 

Fatman

This was made into an incomplete movie. The full script is below the video.

 

 


Scene 1

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are on top of a building, in Fat-Ham city. It is windy. The sun is shining as they look down towards the streets of the city below. The camera zooms in, and you don’t know that he is, but Fatman releases his breath, gut flopping out)

(cuts to Fatman and Skinny Boy running down the street, with the Fatman theme song playing. The theme song consists of many words popping up and horns blowing)

Scene 2

(Fatman is selling someone a stereo for their car)

(this is a sting operation)

Announcer: We join our heroes on a sting operation, trying to bring out the scummy criminals from their normally law-abiding selves!

Guy: Well, I’d like system

Fatman: I sell you one for 600 moolahs!

Guy: hmmm….

(Skinny Boy jumps in)

Skinny Boy: you’re under arrest!

Guy: why?

Skinny Boy: Under the No Selling Systems for Cars Act of 2000!

Guy: what are you talking about? There is no such thing.

Fatman and Skinny Boy: …………dunanananana! (sings theme song)

(Fatman and Skinny Boy run away, and they do the theme song again, but this time with the guy looking at them from behind, scratching his head wondering what just happened)

Scene 3

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are in the Fatcave)

(The Fatcave is just a poker table and a lamp hanging off the ceiling)

(Fatman is tapping his fingers on the table waiting for something to happen)

(the camera switches between Fatman’s tapping fingers and Skinny Boy’s face, pounding his fist into his palm for a couple minutes)

Fatman: Hey, Skinny Boy. What are you eating under there?

Skinny Boy: under…where?

Fatman: HA! GOT YOU!

Skinny Boy: err! Yeah well how many sides does a circle have?

Fatman: what are you talking about? None!

Skinny Boy: 2! Inside, and outside!

Fatman: err! (shakes fist) I’ll get you yet, Skinny Boy!

(phone rings and Fatman picks it up)

Commissioner: Fatman, we need your help!

(Sargent Barnes is next to the Commissioner jumping up and down)

Sgt. Barnes: hurry hurry hurry!

Commissioner: Catch-a-Bubble Man is on a rampage! We need your help. Good luck.

Fatman: We’ll get on it right away, Commissioner!

Scene 4

(scene cuts to Catch-a-Bubble Man blowing bubbles then trying to catch them, but they pop)

(every time he gets one, “sock!” and “fa-dok!” come up)

(Fatman and Skinny Boy jump in)

Fatman: calm down, Catch-a-Bubble Man!

Skinny Boy: y’all calm down now ya hear?

Catch-a-Bubble Man: nevaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

(Catch-a-Bubble Man blows a bunch of bubbles into the camera, and disappears)

Fatman: whoa how did he do that?

Skinny Boy: I don’t know Fatman……..wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese’s?

(Fatman and Skinny Boy don’t say anything for a while, then start laughing)

Fatman: wha hee hee hee ha!

Skinny Boy: ee hee hee hee hee!! THERE’S GOLD IN THESE MINES!!

(Skinny Boy is jumping up and down like he “struck gold”)

Scene 5

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are in the Fatcave)

Skinny Boy: Holy escaping acts Fatman, how did we ever let Catch-a-Bubble Man disappear?

Fatman: We didn’t Skinny Boy. Right before he disappeared, I placed a Fatmitter tracking device on him before he disappeared. We can track him and measure his fat with the FatPuter

(Fatman turns the FatPuter on, and types in a few keys. A sappy opera song comes on)

Fatman: hmm…what is this cryptic sound?

Skinny Boy: I know exactly where that is! Its at the boat dock!

Fatman: to the Fatmobile!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy skip arm-in-arm to the Fatmobile)

Fatman: lets put on some FAT tunes!

(Fatman puts the radio on talk radio)

Skinny Boy: this is my GROOVE

(Fatman drives 5 feet then turns the car off)

Fatman: we’re here

Skinny Boy: we gonna get him good!

(Skinny Boy punches his fist into his palm, then rubs it around)

Scene 6

(Catch-a-Bubble Man is blowing bubbles and trying to catch them)

(Catch-a-Bubble Man does a double take as he sees Fatman and Skinny Boy)

Catch-a-Bubble Man: you’ll never CATCH (catches a bubble as he says “catch”) me! GET’M BOYS

(Catch-a-Bubble Man blows bubbles at Fatman and Skinny Boy, and as they hit them, “oooof!” “thwack” and “splatter” come up on the screen at different times)

Fatman: nooooooooo!!

(Fatman does a really long fart, and everyone stops)

(everyone laughs)

Fatman: whah hee hee wha hee hee! Whah hee hee!

Skinny Boy: hee hee he hee! There’s GOLD in these mines!

(Catch-a-Bubble Man laughs by screaming and slapping his cheeks over and over)

Fatman: to the Fatmobile!

(everyone skips arm-in-arm and the scene cuts to…

Scene 7

Catch-a-Bubble Man being put into jail)

Commissioner: good job Fatman! Another maniac off the streets! If only the boy skinny was here so I could thank him too!

Fatman: well, Commissioner, he’s…a little tied up at the moment

(a flushing sound is heard)

(everyone laughs, even Catch-a-Bubble Man. The commissioner laughs by putting a hand on his stomach, and a hand on his forehead and gargling)

(fade out)

Scene 8

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are watching TV)

(the camera goes to Fatman’s face, the TV, Skinny Boy, then to Fatman again)

Fatman: ………Gilbert Godfried

(Skinny Boy laughs)

(phone rings again)

Commissioner: Fatman, Arnold Schwarzenegger and his gang are tearing up the city! We need your help! He is too muscular and he won 2 national spelling bees in 1947!

(cuts to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face)

(the camera zooms out to classroom with a teacher and Arnold in front)

Teacher Guy: spell bologna

Arnold: B….A….loney…. arraauughh!

(Arnold pulls out a sword and slices everyone)

Arnold: Ja Ja! I win!!

(cuts back to Fatman)

Fatman: We’ll see what we can do commissioner!

Scene 9

(scene cuts to Arnold and his goons walking down a street toward a park. They are snapping their fingers and lifting one leg high, as they walk)

(Arnold turns around)

Arnold: ok, Muscular Students of Mine! We ah at the National Park, and we will wreak havoc on Fat-Ham’s youth!

(one of them breaks a bottle, and “craaaackk!” appears on the screen for a second)

(the guys behind Arnold run off and start playing in the park)

Arnold: nooo! That’s not what you ah s’posed ta duuuu! ….

(Arnold has a sad look on his face as a little kid comes up to him)

Kid: Hey mister, do you have a tumor? I think you have a tumor, because you look like you have a headache and-

Arnold: kid, its not a tumah! Leave me alone! auugghh!

(Arnold takes out his sword and is about to slice the kid in half, when it cuts right away to Fatman and Skinny Boy drinking some tea)

Fatman: if only we knew where Arnold would strike next

(Fatman takes a sip, but spits it out. “BUURRNN!” flashes on the screen)

Fatman: ah! hot!

Skinny Boy: holy simmering flesh, Fatman! good deduction, Fatman! Maybe if we went as our alter egos, we can meet Arnold and get his signatures and see if we can discover what his next plan of evil action is!

Fatman: you might be on the right track, Skinny Boy…I suppose we’ll have to go as our alter egos and meet Arnold…face…to face…to face….to face

Skinny Boy: who’s the last face?

Fatman: There’s no time to waste old chum! Lets GO!

Announcer: as quickly as they turn into the famous super heroes, Fatman and Skinny Boy, they transform into Phat Witha P-H Wayne, and Cactus Bob the Miner in their secret underground Fatcave bathrooms!

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob come out)

Phat Wayne: lets go, Cactus Bob!

Cactus Bob: hold on…

(Cactus Bob flushes a toilet)

Phat Wayne: Cactus Bob…

Cactus Bob: sorry…

(Cactus Bob smiles embarrassingly, and then runs outside screaming)

Scene 10

(Fatcave)

Phat Wayne: hmm…we may be spotted if we take the Fatmobile….

Cactus Bob: What if we take these rollerblades?

(Cactus Bob holds up some rollerblades)

Phat Wayne: I’m sorry, but I can’t rollerblade…I suppose I’ll just have to…take this scooter…

(Phat Wayne takes out his scooter from behind his back)

Cactus Bob: ha

(Cactus Bob puts on the rollerblades, pulls up his pants to his waist, tightens his belt then blades away)

Phat Wayne: whoosh!…….dunananananana!

(Phat Wayne holds onto his scooter, and it goes to the theme song again, except showing Cactus Bob waaaaaay ahead of Phat Wayne scooting toward the camera, crashing into the curb)

Scene 11

(Scene cuts to Arnold on top of the slide fixture, flexing his muscles)

(some kids are watching in awe)

Arnold: check out my musscclesss!

(Arnold flexes in another position)

Arnold: they’re so big. Bigger than all your heads combined!

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob are in the crowd, jumping up and down clapping)

Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob: could we get your autograph!?!

Arnold: I suppose I could for people much more ridiculously weak than I am

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob climb up next to him)

Cactus Bob: sign my chest!

Arnold: ….well….

Phat Wayne: tell us your secret evil plans!

Arnold: ok then! I plan to take my sword and go through many cheap battles with Fatman and Skinny Boy!

Cactus Bob: ooh ooh! Then what else?

Arnold: well then, I plan to…wait a minute, who ah you guys?! Why am I telling you my secret plans? They’re secret!

Phat Wayne: you’ll NEVER get us!

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob run away in slow motion saying slowly, “noooo”)

Arnold: ………….loook at mah muscless!

Kids: oooh!!

Scene 12

(scene cuts to Cactus Bob’s face)

Cactus Bob: why does he keep saying that?

Phat Wayne: I don’t know…I just don’t know…

Cactus Bob: I think I GOT it!

Phat Wayne: what is it skinny wonder?

Cactus Bob: what are muscles otherwise known as?

Phat Wayne: …guns..!

Cactus Bob: and where there’s guns, there’s people getting hurt, and losing hamburgers!

Phat Wayne: do you think he’s going to shoot the kids?

Cactus Bob: maybe!

Phat Wayne: we shan’t take that chance! To the Phat Manor!

(Cactus Bob rollerblades and Phat Wayne runs back to Phat Manor)

Announcer: and as quickly as they usually do, Cactus Bob the Miner and Phat with-a-P-H Wayne, turn back into the super crime fighting duo-Fatman and Skinny Boy!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy jump out of their bathrooms)

Fatman: dunt dunnuna! LEZ GET’M!

Skinny Boy: you said it!

(scene cuts again to Arnold flexing his muscles to the children, when all of a sudden Fatman and Skinny Boy jump in, on both sides of Arnold)

Fatman: your evil rein of terror is over, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!

Arnold: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY LAST NAME!?

(everyone doesn’t say anything for a while)

(then Arnold punches Fatman in the stomach. “OOOOOFF!” pops up on the screen)

Fatman: OOOOWWWW…

(Fatman falls to the floor)

Skinny Boy: FATMAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!

(Arnold slaps Skinny Boy and he falls to the ground as well)

Arnold: you pitiful weak women!

(Arnold starts laughing, putting his hands on his waist, and bends backwards cackling)

(scene fades out and in again. Fatman and Skinny Boy are on the ground in a cell)

(Skinny Boy wakes up)

Skinny Boy: oh no…what mess did we get into?

Fatman: shhh! I hear something…

(Fatman puts his ear against the wall)

(the camera focuses in on a door, and Arnold is inside)

Arnold: mah name ees Ahnold!

Henchman 1: yep, dat you is.

Arnold: look at mah sword (pronounces “w” in “sword”), ees big and shiny, make many guts fly far

Henchman 2: wow! That is a cool sword, feel the grain of (he gets slashed with the sword) …AHHHHH! MY GUTS!

Arnold: JA!! DAS RIGHT! Taste the bittersweet redemption of Ahnold-sword!

(Henchman 2 pats his elbow and shakes his head, then dies)

Arnold: …Ja…I’m sorry. Guess I don’t know mah strength

Henchman 37 ¼: Bah, Henchman 2 was a jerk.

(Arnold slays Henchman 37 ¼ , by putting a piece of paper on his face, suffocating him, but as he slew the henchman, a thought popped into his head)

Arnold (after killing): Mmmm…cooookie good. Ahnold want cooookie…. Ahnold want alla coookie in world! Come henchman 1 through 3!

Henchman 4: you killed 2, freak.

Arnold: oh ja. Well…you come get coookie too, 4. Lesgo!

Henchman 4: YAY!!! Lets rob the cookie bank on the corner of 34th and Oslo!! (whispering) I hear they got a new shipment, almond-peanut butter surprise! The surprise is a big bowl of punch!!

Arnold: Blech! Ahnold doesn’t like almond, Ah feel like leetle cheepmonky eating tree nuts on a branch above a big city street. They have chocolate chip?!

Henchman 4: tch! Of course they got chocolate chip. They’re a cookie bank!

Arnold: eh? Cookie bank?! Where!?! Ahnold like coookie, specially deh chocolate cheeps! Les go henchman, ahrm for battle! We hit the coookie bank in 5 minutes, but first I gotta write mah mutter a postcard, ees mutters day, …ja……..MUTTER!!!

(camera is above Arnold as he screams, and it fades out while he’s still screaming)

(the scene fades in again, with Fatman holding his hand to his ear, listening to everything)

Fatman: oh….no….this is terrible!

Skinny Boy: what’s happening, Fatman?!

Fatman: with my super fat hearing, I heard….they’re going to……….ROB THE COOKIE BANK IN DOWNTOWN FAT-HAM! And I forgot its mothers day!

Skinny Boy: holy chocolate chips, Fatman! This is personal now! That is Phat With-a-P-H Wayne’s #1 favorite place to buy, sell, and trade cookies and cookie by-products!

Fatman: yes….that’s why we have to put a stop to him before its too late! After the cookie bank…who KNOWS what else?

(Fatman and Skinny Boy look at each other, in horror)

Announcer: oh no! is this the end for the weighty crusaders? Of course not!

(out of nowhere, a fairy appears)

Fairy: hi, I’m a fairy from the future! In the future there are no cookies, so we tracked it down to the point where the beginning of no more cookies was, and this is it. I was sent to free you, and help you save the cookies!

Skinny Boy: holy fairy dust! wow! Really?

Fairy: ………yes…………..

Announcer: and with a sparkle here, and a sparkle there, the fairy freed Fatman and Skinny Boy from their cage!

(Fairy sprinkles some dust on the cage and it disappears)

Fairy: here are some swords. You’ll need it against Arnold’s Conan sword.

(Fatman gets a lightsaber and Skinny Boy gets a pirate sword)

Fatman: lets go!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy run but Fatman falls. After a few seconds or so of running, he’s panting)

Scene 13

(Fatman and Skinny Boy burst into Arnold’s room. Arnold turns around)

Arnold: WHUT! HOW YOU GET FREE? (turns to henchmen) GET THEM NOW BEFORE I CUT YOUR PUNY LITTLE HEADS OFF!!

(Arnold’s muscle men go to the bathroom)

Arnold: what! That’s not what you are s’posed to duuuu….

(Arnold has a sad look on his face)

Arnold: I guess I will have to do this myself…!

(Arnold slowly unsheathes his sword from his back, and holds it with both hands in front of him)

Fatman: this is it, Skinny Boy! CHARGE!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy charge to Arnold but stop 5 feet away from him, and a song starts playing)

(Fatman, Skinny Boy and Arnold form a circle, sizing up each other, moving in the same direction)

(Fatman takes a huge slash at Arnold, but he blocks it with his sword, and then Skinny Boy whacks at Arnold’s sword very softly)

(the scene cuts all of a sudden, from them at a stalemate, to them dancing in a line to the music)

(the camera zooms in and out at random angles at each person doing a dance to the happy music, not fighting anymore)

(the music stops, and the lights go out. the lightsaber glows in the darkness, and it takes a swipe, and you can hear Arnold’s scream in agony)

(the lights turn back on)

Arnold: you cut off one of my facial hairs! I’m less of a man now! I can’t believe this is happening to me…manly level…going down…

Fatman: its impossible for it to go any lower. You were NEVER a man, Arnold. Just a confused little Austrian boy. And let this be a lesson to you. Facial hair does not make you a man. You can only measure a man by the amount of his leg hair!

(the camera looks down at Fatman’s legs, and it is very hairy)

(the camera goes back up to Fatman’s face, and he smiles, with his fists to his hips)

Fatman: lets go, Skinny Boy, the police can take over from here!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy run out)

Announcer: will Arnold really give up that easily to the police?! Find out next time! Same Fat time, same Fat channel! … (says really fast) The answer is yes.

(as the announcer says “Find out next time! Same Fat time, same Fat channel” the words appear on the screen)

(cut to credits)

(end)

 

The Hobo Wars

(a guy stands in an alley next to a trash can. You can hear sirens in the background.)

Guy: Hello, my name is Mr. Tard, and I am going to teach you about a series of inner-city conflicts called The Hobo Wars. The Hobo Wars started when one hobo made fun of another hobo’s tutu, and then-

(A hobo pops out of the trash can)

Hobo: this documentary sucks! everyone knows that The Hobo Wars started when george w bush and saddam hussein logged on to the same gay porn site that showed nude firemen fucking computers! And when the bicycle valve began to sweat-

(A redneck drives a tractor through the wall)

Redneck: is this here dang thing a documentary about beer? I love beer. I’ve been drinkin’ it since I was a young’un. Beer’s good because-

(A gay guy wearing only a rainbow wig and a purple thong appears from off camera. He has a mysterious white substance around his mouth.)

Gay Guy: My name is blowthetoad. I listen to boy bands because i’m gayer than elton john. I blow every guy that i see, even toads. Because of that, i have the name blowthetoad. Now let’s listen to this happenin’ beat!

(he pulls a radio out from nowhere and it plays n’sync)

(blowthetoad starts to dance)

Hobo: this documentary sucks!

Blowthetoad (still dancing to really gay music): did somebody say suck? i love to suck dicks. I also love getting fucked-

Redneck: this here documentary ain’t no good!

(he pulls out a gun and shoots blowthetoad)

(everyone cheers)

Mr. Tard: But that leaves the problem as to what this documentary is about!

Hobo: IT’S ABOUT THE HOBO WARS, YOU BASTARD!

Redneck: IT’S ABOUT BEER!

(all 3 of them get into a fight)

(the hobo wins)

Hobo: this documentary is about the camera showing an unchanging shot of the trash can for an hour!

(the camera shows an unchanging shot of a trash can for an hour)

(end)

 

Dead or Alive

This was made by someone else in my group in Media Arts. It had a lot of corrections on it, so this isn’t exactly the same as the real thing. We eventually made this into a movie, which you can see here:

 

INT. OFFICE – DAY

EDDIE MOON, is sitting in front of a desk, with white “asylum-clothes” on. His head is shaved and has a sickly expression on his face. Doctor walks in the office. The Doctor is wearing a white lab coat with a notebook, pen, and a tape recording.

Doctor

(cautiously)

Hello Mr. Moon…how are you today?

 

Eddie

(coldly)

Fine.

 

Doctor

Well, have you been taking the medication prescribed for your…um…hallucinations?

 

Eddie

(shouting)

I don’t have hallucinations and I never did! I am not crazy! I know what I saw wasn’t a hallucination! You don’t even know what happened that day!

 

Doctor

(curiously)

What exactly happened to you that day? What was it that you saw?

 

The Doctor carefully turns on his tape recorder to record Eddie’s story.

 

Eddie

(calmly)

Well, it all started off when I got into some trouble with a gangster in L.A….

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK – DAY

Ordinary park with a couple trees in the background.

Eddie is walking across the park. TYRONE comes chasing after him. Tyrone is wearing a black wife-beater and a black cap backwards and has a menacing look on his face.

 

Tyrone

(angrily)

Hey fool, you in a gang?! Where you from?!

 

Eddie

Nowhere man..chill out.

 

Eddie pushes Tyrone with one arm and tries to walk away. Tyrone blocks his path.

 

Tyrone

You don’t know what you just did, do you?

 

Before Eddie can answer, Tyrone swings at Eddie. Eddie ducks and punches Tyrone in the stomach and finishes him off with a right cross. Tyrone falls onto the ground. Eddie kicks Tyrone while he is on the ground and starts to walk away. Tyrone is bleeding from his nose.

 

Tyrone

(shouting)

Hey! You just committed suicide, you know that?! You better watch your back, fool, ’cause imma get you!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. WHITE OFFICE – DAY

 

Eddie

That was probably the worst mistake I ever made

 

Doctor

What are you talking about?

 

Eddie

well…the gangster came after me the next day and when he said I committed suicide at the park the other day…he was right.

CUT TO:

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Nice middle-class suburban neighborhood in California.

Eddie is walking down a street. He passes a parked car with two people in it. He doesn’t notice the people.

INT. CAR

The car is somewhat clean with TOMRONE in the driver’s seat and Tyrone loading a gun. Tomrone is a muscular guy with a light beard. He is driving the car. Tyrone is wearing the same outfit from the incident at the park and is holding a gun.

 

Tomrone

You sure that’s the guy?

 

Tyrone

Shut up! I know it’s him!

 

Tyrone finishes up loading his gun and cocks it.

 

Tyrone

All right, let’s go.

 

The car starts to slowly follow Eddie. Eddie doesn’t notice the car. The car pulls up right next to him.

 

Tyrone

(shouting)

HEY! Remember me?! I told you you were committing suicide! Die!

 

Eddie suprisingly looks toward the car. Before he can do anything, Tyronefires his gun at Eddie. Eddie screams and falls to the ground. The car Tyrone is in races down the street. Eddie is lying on the ground motionles. There is a puddle of blood coming from beneath him.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

 

Eddie

That is all I remember. Hearing those gunshots and me falling. I died right after, you know.

 

Doctor

(unbelievingly)

OK…so if you died that day, then how are you here right now?

 

Eddie

(annoyed)

I DID die. But I came back to life. How many times do I have to tell you people that?!

 

EXT. SAME RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Eddie is motionless and lying on the ground with a puddle of blood oozing out of him. Suddenly, Eddie’s transparent spirit rises from his body. He looks around, feeling his body, checking for wounds. Then looks down at his human body.

 

Eddie

(bewildered)

What? What the hell is going on?! Why am I lying there?

 

People start gathering around Eddie’s dead body. One leans over to check Eddie’s pulse. After a short time, he sadly shakes his head. Eddie starts to wave his arms to the people gathered around his body.

 

Eddie

(scared)

Can you guys see me? Come on! Say something! Oh my God…I can’t believe this is happening…

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Eddie is sitting quietly as if he is thinking about something. The Doctor waits patiently.

 

Eddie

You understand what has happened so far don’t you?

 

Doctor

I’m not that sure. But please, go on.

 

Eddie is quiet again. He is thinking to himself.

 

Eddie

(solemnly)

That is when I realized what had happened. My spirit had left my body. That is why my body was lying on the ground…dead. When I finally accpted this fact I couldn’t believe that I had made nothing of my life. I had dreams. I prayed that if I could have one more chance…just one more chance to live again…I would do something with life. That is when another miraculous thing happened.

 

CUT TO:

EXT. SAME RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Eddie’s transparent spirit is sitting on the sidewalk with his eyes closed as if he is praying. A loud booming VOICE is heard from the sky. The voice is deep and filled with wisdom.

 

Voice

IT is not your time yet. Live again and fulfill your destiny.

 

Eddie’s spirit is looking around extremely puzzled by the voice. Then all of a sudden Eddie’s spirit disappears. Bird’s eye view of Eddie’s body. His eyes flicker a bit. Then it slowly begins to open. It opens all the way. He starts blinking fast breathing heavily. He is alive but barely.

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

 

Eddie

(reminiscing)

It was crazy. Right then, a miracle happened…

 

Doctor

(impatiently)

What? What happened after that?

 

Eddie

(enthusiastically)

God had sent my spirit back into my body to fulfill my destiny on earth!

 

Doctor

(sarcastically)

So…what you’re trying to say is that your spirit left your body…and God sent your spirit back into your body so you could fulfill your destiny?

 

Eddie

(beginning to get angry)

You don’t believe me, do you? You think I’m crazy like everyone else is, don’t you!? Isn’t that why I’m locked up in here? In this asylum?

 

Doctor

(calmly)

Thank you for your time, Mr. Moon. I’ll see you same time next week, take your medicine daily.

 

Eddie glares at the Doctor with hateful eyes. Then Eddie is escorted out. After Eddie leaves, the Doctor picks up the still running tape recorder and speaks into it.

 

Doctor

(slowly with no feelings)

Patient 257 is suffering from severe hallucinations and hears voices…may be suffering from long-term schizophrenia and manic depression…due to his conditions…he cannot be helped.

 

The Doctor clicks the recorder…pauses as if to think…shakes whatever he’s thinking about off…and turns off the light…

(end)

 


I thought this was a pretty bad script actually…it had potential, but it came out realllllly bad….

 

 

The Gaytrix

(scene opens with sugar packets with ones and zeros on them)

(then it demagnifies and has a guy snuffing the sugar packet)

????: mmh! This is good shit. Good idea putting cocaine in NutraSweet packets

Drug Dealer: I didn’t actually put it in, NutraSweet IS cocaine. No one actually knows it…

(???? Goes into a trance, and the camera focuses on his eye)

(a man named Neo, wearing a thong and a G-string goes to work, and all of a sudden…)

Neo: strike a pose!

(Neo does a pose in the middle of the street, in New York. Everybody stops what they’re doing, and a car crash sound is heard in the distance. Everyone around Neo starts beating him up)

(an hour later)

(Neo stumbles into his one room apartment)

Neo (rubbing his ass): God, someone stuck a briefcase in my ass….what’s this?

(Neo pulls out a paper from his ass)

Neo (reading the paper): wondering what the Gaytrix is? Pull out more papers from your ass

(Neo pulls a second piece from his ass)

Neo (reading off the paper): go to your computer and go to the Kevin Spacey fan site and log in as “Gaytrix” the password is “Neo”

(Neo rubs his head)

Neo: holy crap. How did it know my name?

(Neo goes to the Kevin Spacey web site on his ultra cool computer, and there are 2 animations of Kevin Spacey humping himself)

Neo: sweet.

(Neo logs in, and Kevin Spacey’s voice says “welcome”)

Neo: yay

Computer: Check your mail? Send mail? Buy a Kevin Spacey Dildo?

Neo: Check my mail

Computer: You have 3 mails

(Neo clicks on the first mail. It reads: )

Hello user Gaytrix. Your Kevin Spacey Dildo has been sent via United States Postal Service and will arrive in approximately 3 days. We know you can’t wait.

Neo: that’s not the right one…

(Neo clicks on another one. It reads: )

Hello Gaytrix. Here’s the attachment for that program that you can have Kevin Spacey have sexual intercourse with anything and everything, and it simulates what he will make with it

(Neo downloads it)

Neo: never know when I might need that…

(Neo clicks on the last one and it reads: )

Hello, Neo. You finally found the right one. Go to this location and wait for my Kevin Spacey dildos. You will get further instructions then.

(there is a drawing of a place. Neo recognizes it)

Neo: there, huh? Ok!

(the email goes on: )

Don’t be gay. Wear clothes. If you’re gay, the Gaytrix will get you…

Neo: aw man

(later, at that place)

Neo: dooby dooby doo waiting for Kevin Spacey dildos…

(6 days later)

(a mailman chucks a box at Neo, and speeds away on his bike)

(Neo opens the box and takes out a 1 inch dildo)

Neo: geez. You can lose something like this really easily…

(Morpheus appears behind Neo, out of nowhere)

Morpheus: that’s why Kevin Spacey doesn’t have much manhood, especially after he starred in Pay It Forward. Look at this graph.

(Morpheus points to a graph that just appears)

Morpheus: This is zero, and the beginning of Kevin Spacey’s career. As you can see there is a slight increase, until we get to the time of Pay It Forward

(the line goes below zero, and it keeps dropping)

Morpheus: well, you get what I mean

Neo: true…

Morpheus: get him.

(in a second, a shadowy figure blackjacks Neo, and the scene fades out)

(fade in, Neo is looking up at Morpheus)

Morpheus: hello…

Neo: ah man, I have such a bad headache…why’d you knock me out?

Morpheus: um….because…yeah.

Neo: oh ok

(Neo sits up, rubbing his head, and Morpheus sits in a bean bag chair)

Morpheus: do you really want to know what the Gaytrix is?

Neo: yes I do…

(Morpheus raises one hand)

Morpheus: if you take the blue pill, you will find the immense amount of gayness and junk like that that is…the Gaytrix

(Morpheus raises his other hand)

Morpheus: if you take the red pill, you’ll forget everything you’ve seen here today, and some other stuff…and maybe get a brain aneurysm…

(Morpheus raises a third hand)

Morpheus: and you should take these extra strength children’s tylenol for your headache

(Neo blinks a couple times, still rubbing his head)

Neo: where did that third hand come from?

(Morphues doesn’t do anything for a while, then takes the Tylenol and puts it in the same as the blue pill)

Neo: ok, fine, I’ll take the blue pill

(Neo swallows the blue pill, and the Tylenol)

Morpheus: I’ll give you something to wash that down. Open your mouth

(Neo opens his mouth as Morpheus unzips his pants, and pees into his mouth)

Morpheus: 3 points!

(a crane picks up Neo by his shirt collar and drops him headfirst into a toilet. He takes his head out of it, but a shadowy figure dunks his head back in, and flushes the toilet)

Neo: whoooooaaaaaaaa!

(Neo gets sucked in, it seems, and he wakes up in a coffin, colored with pretty pink flowers, hanging over a field of flowers. The coffin is transparent)

Neo: holy shit!

(Neo looks around, but it seemed like the world was covered with pink flowers)

(Neo’s coffin breaks and he falls into the flowers. It seems like they were all attacking him)

Neo: noooooo!

(Neo gets up, and he’s fine. The flowers didn’t move at all. Neo shrugs and then walks north, trying to find out where he is)

(after a few weeks, he gets out of the flower field, and is now in a barren tundra, with gray dirt and cracks in the ground everywhere, and the camera spins around Neo, until he’s facing it)

Neo: what the?

(Morpheus appears behind Neo)

Morpheus: welcome to the real world

Neo: your fly is still open…

Morpheus: it is? That’s funny, its been open for 6 weeks

Neo: ok…

Morpheus: the real world is scattered with pretty pink flower fields, on this desolate earth. We only survive by eating the flowers…

Neo: how did this happen?

Morpheus: gay aliens obsessed with flowers, called al Qaedas.

Neo: oh…

Morpheus: they basically killed everything that wasn’t a flower, and planted flowers across the whole earth, only. In every field there is a huge flower that holds humans in it, and they use our energy to expand the flower fields and they also want to turn us gay, hence the reason why its called the world they put us in is called the Gaytrix. That way they’d only have to leave a few of their fellow aliens behind to monitor us, and once we all become gay, they’ll integrate us into their race! And they’ve already taken over the moon fully. Look at that!

(the camera pans to the moon, where Morpheus is pointing)

(the moon is just a pink glob, and you can see the sky is also a pale pink)

Neo: that’s horrible…

Seifer: hello!

(more people appear behind Morpheus singing in tune)

Trinity: we’re her to save the universe –

Tank: – from being gaaaaaaaayyyyy

Dozer: cha cha cha!

Seifer: a one, a one, a two three four!

(everyone dances simultaneously, doing a can can and ending in a riverdance)

Morpheus: we must kill the homo aliens!

Trinity: from taking everything!

Seifer: guy and girl?

Morpheus: girl and guy?

(everyone shakes their head)

Everyone: NO WAY!

Morpheus: when everyones gay its –

Seifer: guy and guy?

(Seifer sticks out his tongue)

Trinity: girl and girl?

(Trinity sticks out her tongue)

Tank: its ok for some –

Dozer: but not everyonnnnneee!!!!

(an explosion is seen in the back)

Morpheus: shit! Its the Homo Rangers!

(a hole appears in the ground all of a sudden and everyone jumps into it)

(the Homo Rangers go toward the hole where everyone went in)

Homo Ranger Horg Zorg: That’s retarded…they do this every week.

Homo Ranger Harg Zarg: Its mysterious how they can just add another person to their dancing routine every time…

Homo Ranger Hurg Zurg: oh well

Homo Ranger Herg Zerg: blah. We’ll get them next time

Homo Ranger Squad Comander Hirg Zirg: while we’re waiting, let’s have hot sex!

(meanwhile, in the hole)

Morpheus: are you in, Neo?

Neo: yes

Morpheus: there are Homo Agents in the Gaytrix, too. We have to get rid of them all, and preferably kill their whole race to liberate the Earth and the rest of existence

Neo: sounds fun

Dozer: you gotta be careful. If they Homo-Hump you they can control you whenever they want

Neo: that kinda scares me

Seifer: um, yeah…me too…

(unbeknownst to the rest of the team, Seifer was, in fact, Homo-Humped!)

Morpheus: as does the rest of us. Everyone has been homo-humped except us, so anyone could be our enemy. An old lady, a little puppy, and even crossguards.

Neo: um…why do my eyes hurt?

Morpheus: it kinda hurts everyone’s eyes after we do our performance

(Trinity rubs her eyes)

Trinity: you’re pretty

Neo: who? Me?

(Trinity nods her head)

Trinity: I like your nice long blonde hair

(Neo has no hair)

Seifer (shoves Trinity): sorry, she’s a little stoned at the moment. You’ve got a nice afro

Neo: ok…

(fade out)

(fade in, dogs are chasing after everyone through the woods. You hear barking as they run)

(fade out)

(fade in, in a stupid futuristic kinda place with some seats)

Neo: what is this?

Morpheus: the Command Ship!

(“Command Ship” echoes and there’s a lightning sound)

Trinity: whee!

(Tank spins around in a chair and puts on a “talk to type” set of headphones, but you don’t know that…)

(Neo walks up to a screen with scrolling green numbers)

Neo: what’s this?

Seifer: that’s the May-Trix. They only use that in May. Its pretty much the same thing, but in a different coding, and it sucks more. But that’s a different movie.

Neo: huh? Movie?

Seifer: never-fucking-mind

(Seifer waves his hands around)

Morpheus: let’s go meet someone

Neo: ok, who?

Morpheus: she’s an oracle, and can help you unlock your destiny

(Morpheus smiles evilly)

Morpheus: Lets go to the Gaytrix! Suit up!

(Dozer jumps outta nowhere and jams a needle into Neo’s skull and he goes into the Gaytrix…with skills he didn’t have before)

(they all appear in a McDonalds bathroom)

Neo: I know how to make pizza…

Morpheus: that’s great.

(the camera zooms out, and Seifer, Trinity, Morpheus and Neo are wearing dark sunglasses, and trench coats)

Morpheus: lets go!

(everyone goes out of the bathroom, and walk through the Playplace, obviously sticking out, since they’re all in black and the playplace is full of bright colors)

Kid (pointing at the group): mommy mommy! Burger King employees!

Mom: no, darling, they’re McDonalds employees

Kid: oh…I feel safer now

(cuts to Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, and Seifer coming out of McDonalds)

Neo: so, where IS this oracle?

Morpheus: uhh I forgot…

Seifer: SHIT! HOMO-AGENTS! I DIDN’T SQUEAL ON US, HONEST!

(millions, it seems, of agents surround them)

Homo-Agent Brown (speaking into a megaphone): good job, Seifer. You can go now.

Seifer: ok, maybe I did.

Neo: you’re not going anywhere!

(Everyone starts shooting agents and do karate shit. Seifer is kicked in the face by Neo. Bullet time is used a lot here, so use your imagination)

(slow motion scenes of homo-agents that look the same punching in slow motion. Randomly, one of the slow motion scenes are of Ronald McDonald, as well)

(after about a half an hour or so of action that you made up by yourself, Godzilla goes on a rampage and kills everyone. I just wanted to finish this, so I’m sorry for the sucky ending. Just for the hell of it, so if I want to make a sequel to this, they were all pulled out of the Gaytrix right before they were stepped on. And if you’re wondering what the beginning has to do with anything with the movie, this was all some guy’s coke trip)

(end)

—————–

Well, when I was writing this movie, I didn’t think there was going to be any ACTUAL sequels to The Matrix. So any similarities with the millions of agents or Ronald McDonald in this were actually made up by me, and not directly parodizing the 2nd Matrix. If you’re interested, this is what I have planned for making the next Gaytrix parodies:

The Gaytrix: Regayed – Completed

The Gatrix: Homorevolutions – Incomplete

The Gaytrix: Enter the Gaytrix – (takes place 2 days prior to Gatrix: Regayed, and follows 2 Homo-Agents/Homo-Rangers) – Incomplete

The Hentaitrix: The Gaytrix Animated (parody of all the 9 different Animatrix shorts, and also a 10th movie I make up originally. They all go in order, sort of. 5 of them lead up to Enter the Gaytrix, and they’re from the Homo Alien race’s point of view, and 5 that lead up to The Gaytrix: Regayed) – Incomplete

 

Smarty Pants

Cast: Captain Monique Meddlesome

Commander Sabrina Seesaw

Doctor Donna

Engineer Jaysen Juju

Pilot Angela Ambush

Security Chief Monkeywrench (a Silverback gorilla)


Captain Monique Meddlesome was sleeping rather uncomfortably in the microwave in her personal quarters when all of a sudden, the Starship Big Bad Bouncin Bubba shook. Monique hopped out of the microwave and turned on the intercom.

“Captain to bridge! What’s going on?” she demanded.

“Not much,” said Angela Ambush, the ship’s pilot. “I’m at my post, painting my toenails. Doctor Donna is wandering all over the ship, searching for human guinea pigs to take part in her latest lab experiment gone HORRIBLY wrong. Sabrina is plotting your destruction, as am I. Jaysen is messing with me and therefore one second away from getting vaporized by my ray gun and God only knows what Monkeywrench is up to.”

“Never mind all that, fool! What else is going on??”

Angela frowned, put her feet up on the ship’s steering wheel and reflected for a moment. “Well, let’s see…one of my friends just broke up with this guy with twelve hands. She dumped him because he wasn’t very “handy” around the house!” Angela laughed until she cried and fell out of her chair.

Monique tapped her communication badge. “Captain to doctor.”

“Doctor here. I’m busy cheating on my income taxes. What you want?”

“Angela needs some medication, it seems,” said Monique.

“Angela’s beyond help,” Doctor Donna remarked. “I thought you were contacting me about a problem that could be solved.”

“What good are you?” Monique asked. She turned off the intercom, put on her robe and fell to the floor again as the ship shook once more.

*

This is a STRANGE UNIVERSE, in which ANYTHING is possible.

*

Monique strode onto the bridge in her pajamas and robe.

“Captain, it’s about time you showed up,” Commander Sabrina said. “We are under attack.”

“We are under a tack?” Monique asked. “Wow! That’s gotta be one huge tack! When did we get underneath it? Who put it there? A species of giants with giant tacks? Are they tryin’ to ‘pin’ something on us?” Monique looked around for answers and then laughed herself silly.

Sabrina and Angela exchanged frightened glances.

The ship’s phone suddenly rang. Sabrina sprinted over to it and picked it up.

“What up, yo?” she sang into the receiver. She listened intently for several hours, nodded every once in a while and then hung up.

“Who was that?” the captain asked. “And how on Pluto did they get the number to this ship?”

“That was a creature calling himself OkeDoke. He claims we have trespassed in his territory.”

“Really?” said the captain.

“No, I lied,” said Sabrina. “The truth is, the caller was a man from France, who had a habit of eating his pants. So he went to the store to go get some more but the cashier said “Not a chance!”

“Stop lying!” the captain yelled.

“That is the truth,” Sabrina said. “He eats pants. Don’t ask me why.” She sat down and began making a hit list of all the people she wished she could kill. Monique topped the list.

“So if he’s the one who keeps eating his own pants, why is he attacking US?” Angela inquired. “We were minding our own business, for once!”

“Good question,” Monique mused while standing on one leg like a flamingo. She spun around and around and crashed into a crewman. She glared at him when he fell to the floor.

The phone rang again, and this time Angela answered the call.

“Hello?” she asked. She frowned while listening to the caller’s voice, nodded and then hung up.

“You guys are never gonna believe this,” Angela said.

“NOW what?” Commander Sabrina muttered.

“The guy who eats his pants said he will keep attacking us until we give him a lifetime supply of pants. If we refuse to supply him with the merchandise, he said he will board our ship and steal the clothes.”

“Why doesn’t he simply ask us to help him, instead of threatening us?” asked Monique.

“How should I know?” asked Angela. “Do I look like I know everything?”

“Hardly,” replied Monique and chuckled at the very idea.

The ship shook again, and Monique fell into Jaysen’s lap.

“Captain, you sitting on my lap is highly inappropriate,” he said, blushing.

“What makes you say that?” Monique asked, accidentally kissing him all over his face.

“Captain, the guy who eats pants has penetrated our ship’s armor,” said Angela as she studied a console with a piece of chewing gum on her forehead.

“Acknowleged,” Monique said while running toward Angela. “I’m almost afraid to ask you this, but like an idiot, I’m going to ask you anyway. Why do you have a piece of gum on your forehead?”

“What? A piece of gum? On MY forehead?” Angela raced to a mirror and said “Holy crappola! I have been looking all over for that gum!” She ripped the gum from her forehead and yelled “OWWWWWWWWWWW!”

“So what’s happening with the guy who eats pants?” Commander Sabrina asked. “Has he boarded the ship yet?”

“He boarded the ship five minutes ago, you freak,” replied Angela with a red forehead. “I suggest you and the captain call Security and have that nutcase apprehended!”

“Good idea,” Monique said, and after she called security, security officers arrived on the bridge and apprehended Angela!

*

The intercom on the bridge beeped.

“Captain here.”

“This is the Guy Who Eats Pants,” said the…guy who eats pants.

“Get off my ship,” the captain said in her most baby-ish voice.

“Not until you hand over all the pants aboard this vessel.”

“Where are you?” Monique asked.

The Guy Who Eats Pants turned off the intercom.

Five seconds later, Angela frowned and turned to the captain.

“Captain, I’m getting reports of some guy messing around in the ship’s laundromat, looking in all of the washing machines and dryers for pants,” she said. “He kicked everyone out of the laundromat.”

“Sabrina, let’s go down to the laundromat!” Monique said, sprinting toward the elevator.

Sabrina frowned. “But why? I know my uniform stinks, but does it stink THAT bad?”

*

Monique and Sabrina ran into the ship’s laundromat just as the The Guy Who Eats Pants was putting on a pair.

“Take those pants off!” Monique ordered the man.

“Would you two like to be alone?” Sabrina asked, looking from Monique to the man and then vice versa.

“A guy’s gonna take off his pants?” Doctor Donna asked as she walked into the room, panting and drooling. “Can I watch?”

“I will not remove my pants,” said The Guy. “I need them.” He closed his eyes, hummed and began writing complex mathematical equations on the wall. Monique, Sabrina and Doc Donna tried to solve the equations but the answers eluded them.

“Quite frankly, I’m stumped,” said Doctor Donna.

“Quite frankly, I’m perplexed,” replied Sabrina.

“Quite frankly, I’m Frank,” said Monique.

“But I thought your name was Monique?” Donna asked.

“That makes two of us,” Monique answered.

Doctor Donna sighed, injected herself with a syringe and purposely passed out to escape Monique’s insanity.

The Guy solved the mathematical equations and smiled. “Now do you all see why I need pants?” he asked.

“No,” Sabrina said. “And by the way, your shirt doesn’t go with those pants.”

The Guy sighed. “Without pants, I am dumb. But the moment I put on some pants, ANY pair of pants, I become a genius, capable of solving any problem. I can also think grand, profound and philisophical thoughts when I wear pants! And I eat them because they are delicious and a very good source of starch. So I can be full of food and think philisophical thoughts all at the same time!”

“Wait a minute, wo wo wo, just wait one doggone second here,” said Monique, waving her arms in confusion. “Who the heck is Mr. Phil Losophical, and what does he have to do with ANY of this?”

“Why do I even bother talking to that girl?” The Guy asked Sabrina.

“You’re not the first person to ask that question, and you certainly won’t be the last,” answered Sabrina.

The Guy laughed and was about to leave the ship when Sabrina tapped him on his shoulder.

“Before you leave, I must know something. Who IS Mr. Phil Losophical, anyway?”

The Guy Who Eats Pants ran away, because it was the smart thing to do.

(end)

 

Robot Porn

By Holmes and davepoobond.

Cast:

HM098-1 – The Robot slut who just can’t the slut.exe uninstalled!

JKL832-2 – The repair robot who wants to show HM098-1 his HARD drive!

MAC101-3 – The iMac husband!

Tom Cruise – Eh, yeah you heard, i said tom cruise…he’s gay…

Robot Precrime Crew – Random gay guys…

 


Your order for the $8.99 Robot Porn Movie has been processed, movie starting…

The Scene starts off with HM098-1 in her box doing a scan disk. She has called over her repairman, JKL832-2 to fix a bug in her scan disk program.

 

JKL832-2: “hey there HM098-1, your gear needs readjusting”

HM098-1: “Why don’t you readjust it yourself, JKL832-2”

JKL832-2: “lemme….tighten it for you”

 

JKL832-2 Takes out his wrench…wow this is gettin’ kinky!

 

JKL832-2: “oh the WRENCH!”

HM098-1: “why don’t you rub oil on that wrench and shove it in my gearbox?”

JKL832-2: “i have to reset your fuses first”

HM098-1: “oh yeah, spark up my fuses”

JKL832-2: “oh oh oh baby!”

HM098-1: “why don’t you show me your hard drive”

JKL832-2: “show me your disk drives first”

HM098-1: “here i’ll give you my instruction manual”

JKL832-2: “Hmm very informational, i didn’t know about that”

HM098-1: “my dream robot is R2D2, he pushes my buttons…”

JKL832-2: “i want to make metal melting oily sex with you, let me insert my diskette into your disk drive!”

HM098-1: “hold on i have to format the dick…i mean disk”

 

Suddenly the sparks start flying as these 2 metal robots get it on! All you can hear is the sound of metal cranking.

 

HM098-1: “your handling me like a blacksmith!”

JKL832-2: “opening your printer and shoving in my toner”

HM098-1: “hold on, let me run my Horny program”

 

She runs her program, C:\Windows\Horny.exe

 

JKL832-2: “i cant get in the regular way…i’m gonna get in through the backdoor”

 

He heads to the back side for the rough ride!!!!!

 

JKL832-2: “hold on, i have to go on the internet and download some moaning sounds”

HM098-1: “ok but be careful, don’t unplug me!”

 

They keep doing there thang until HM098-1 stops and mentions something very important 0.0

 

HM098-1: “oh but we can’t have intercourse without protection…I have a virus”

 

She hands him a copy of Norton Antivirus.

 

JKL832-2: “dont worry baby, i have a firewall, those nasty p2p networks won’t get me! We can make a network connection anytime!”

HM098-1: “Ooh, my processor is getting HOOOOOOT!”

JKL832-2: “better cool it down, turn on your fan”

 

They keep doing it until a loud “YOU’VE GOT MAIL” sound comes out of HM098-1.

 

HM098-1: “Oh no, i got an e-mail from my husband! He’ll be back in 3.28 seconds!”

JKL832-2: “oh megabyte!”

HM098-1: “Well anyways, it was nice seeing your RAM in my backside!”

 

MAC101-3 rolls into his box finding his wife and the repair robot in compromising positions! HOLY SHIT!

 

MAC101-3: “what the megahert is happening here!”

HM098-1: “it’s nothing, you must be having a programing error!”

MAC101-3: “i’m a mac, i HAVE no errors” He turns to JKL832-2. “YOU STUPID MICROSOFT MADE ROBOT!”

JKL832-2: “oh man! dont hurt my desktop!”

HM098-1: “honey, your too much graphics, not enough hard drive! I think we should be in seperate boxes from now on”

 

She continues, telling him the sad truth.

 

HM098-1: “your…your just too perfect…i want someone who has errors all the time, like JKL832-2 and his windows program”

MAC101-3: “but that’s the reason you got me! i dont have any blue screens”

HM098-1: “but i can see right through you, and you don’t have a tower like JKL832-2”

MAC101-3: “Its not my fault my makers put my body into my head”

HM098-1: “too much broad, not enough brain”

MAC101-3: “we’re practically the same operating systems though!”

HM098-1: “well your mouse just doesn’t do the right amount of clicking”

MAC101-3: “i only have one clicking…thing”

HM098-1: “But I need a DOUBLE click, like JKL832-2”

MAC101-3: “i have a scroll wheel too”

HM098-1: “so does he…and he has a longer warranty…AND Internet Explorer!”

MAC101-3: “ENOUGH OF THIS! MAC RUUUUUUUULEEEEEEESSSSSS”

HM098-1: “Talk to the microphone cause the speaker ain’t listenin”

 

MAC101-3 runs at the other robot and kicks him with his robot foot.

 

JKL832-2: “OW! I HOPE YOU GET YOUR PLUG PULLED!”

 

Suddenly, the department of Robot Precrime crashes through the window (or does windows crash on him?)!

 

MAC101-3: “AHHH! DONT TAKE ME”

Tom Cruise: MAC101-3, you’re under arrest for being hot.

HM098-1: “You ASSHOLE! You ruined my windows!”

JKL832-2: “what the hell?”

Tom Cruise: “lets get him fellas”

 

All the precrime guys start screwing MAC101-3 in his openings…

 

MAC101-3: “honey! help me! i’m only a mac! i’m not made to have all these serial ports being used at the same time”

JKL832-2: “ha, serial ports. *I* have USB ports”

MAC101-3: “my serial ports are sore”

HM098-1: “Well now your files done, and it’s time to say GOODBYE!”

 

HM098-1 unplugs her husband.

 

HM098-1: “luckily our marriage was on CD-RW, now i can just write over it”

 

The precrime team carry him away while raping the husband (is that possible?)

The End