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Marmafluke, Where Are You?

August 5th, 2013 Posted in Squackle Broadcasting Company, TV Shows No Comments »

(Marmafluke is a dog and speaks perfect English with a British accent and walks on two legs.  SLAGGY is Marmafluke’s best friend.  CRED, FELMA, and DAFTKNEE are his others.)

(Marmafluke sings the theme song in a Shakespearean manner:)

Marma-Marmafluke!
Where are you?
We’ve got some tea and crumpets
For you now…

Marma-Marmafluke!
Where are you?
We’ve got some weed
To do now!

We’ve got some mysteries to solve,
So, Marmafluke…
Be ready, you big ass
GREAT DANE
and don’t fucking be bisexual.

(A bunch of sweaty people run in and start freak dancing)

TITLE CARD: The Case of the Spiral Notebook

SLAGGY (voice over)
Today, Marmafluke meets Sonny and Cher!

(Fade out.  Fade in with Marmafluke and Slaggy drinking tea and eating crumpets.)

SLAGGY
So I says to Looby, “Let’s make like a spider and BUG OUTTA HERE!”

(Slaggy starts laughing hysterically.)
(Marmafluke is sitting with his legs crossed and he takes a sip of tea, seemingly unamused)

MARMAFLUKE
Hmm… yes… humorous…

(Marmafluke looks to the right, not laughing at all)
(Audience laughs, and as they drown out, you can hear one of them scream something)

AUDIENCE MEMBER 426
Marmafluke has a massive dong!

MARMAFLUKE
Now, that is totally uncalled for!

SLAGGY
He’s right, though, it’s almost touching the floor.

(Marmafluke throws his tea to the floor and dumps his tray of crumpets on Slaggy gathering up his dog dong, hiding it in his lap)

MARMAFLUKE
Well, it’s not my fault…!

(Marmafluke glares at the camera)

MARMAFLUKE
Can’t you go SOMEWHERE ELSE!?

(Scene cuts to DAFTKNEE and FELMA digging in the ground.  They’re really dirty and sweaty.  Their boobs are knocking around and its pretty hot, actually, both literally and figuratively.)
(CRED is sitting on a chair drinking some lemonade under an umbrella)

DAFTKNEE
CRED!  Why are WE doing all the work?

FELMA
Cred, this isn’t very fair.

CRED
My ascot is on too tight.  You know I can’t shovel out
large amount of dirt, because I’ll pass out.

(The real reason is that Cred is looking at Daftknee and Felma’s bodily features and measuring them mentally… he was way off, though)
(Cred writes something in his notebook, saying it quietly aloud, as well)

CRED
Felma — Double D…

FELMA
WHAT!?!?

CRED
Oh!  Nothing!

(Fred closes his notebook)
(The scene cuts to a bathroom door, and there’s some grunting sounds in there)
(Slaggy is waiting next to the door, and looks at his wrist, as if there was a watch there, but there isn’t.)

SLAGGY
Come on, Marmafluke!
You’ve been in there for at least half an hour!
Looby never would make me wait
outside when he does his business.

(Little did he know, Looby’s business was jacking off)

(There’s a zipping sound behind the door, and Marmafluke walks outside wearing pants and shoes.  There’s a huge lump and a line trailing down his right pant leg.)

MARMAFLUKE
Well, now that certain piece of indecency has
been taken care of, shall we check on the other 3?

(cut to Cred, Daftknee, and Felma)

DEFTKNEE
I’m too tired to dig anymore.

CRED
Just think of what Looby would say if
he knew you were giving up on him.

(the camera cuts to a tombstone that reads:)

Here Lies Looby,
Not one brand, but three killed him.

(the camera cuts again and Felma is dragging Looby’s dead body toward the hole)

FELMA
I think it’s deep enough Deftknee.

(Felma lobs Looby into the grave and it lands on Daftknee)

DAFTKNEE
Oh shit!

(Daftknee falls down and Looby is on top of her.  3 types of lubricant drained/evacuated from Looby’s orifices.  Some is draining out of his nose, too.  It was a gruesome death for poor Looby)
(Daftknee is squealing like a pig under Looby)
(in the next spot, Cher is in front of Sonny’s grave)

CHER
Would you mind keeping it down in there?
Aren’t you — DO YOU BELIEVE — supposed to be
dead when you’re — IN LOVE!!? — in a grave??

FELMA
Wow!  It’s Sonny and Cher!

CHER
Sonny is dead.

CRED
That’s funny Cher, we all know that isn’t true.

CHER
I don’t know — DO YOU BELIEVE! – what you’re talking about.

(Cut to Slaggy and Marmafluke walking toward The History Machine)

MARMAFLUKE
I think I’ll drive, you had a little too much…
green tea…

(Slaggy is smoking a joint)

SLAGGY
I really have no idea what you’re talking about.
It was only 5 cups!

MARMAFLUKE
Right… shall we?

(Slaggy and Marmafluke drive over to the cemetery)

CHER
SUNNY IS — IN LOVE! — DEAD!!

FELMA
Sunny is in love?

CHER
NO!  He’s in the — AFTER LIFE!!

DAFTKNEE

(Daftknee is somehow out of the grave and finished shoveling the dirt into the grave)

MARMAFLUKE
Ah, I see you’ve finished unceremoniously burying my brother.

DAFTKNEE
Rest in piece, you piece of shit.

(Daftknee spits on his grave, but due to a sudden jet stream it lands on Sonny’s grave)

CHER
You — DO YOU BELIEVE! — BITCH!!!

(Cher and Daftknee get into a cat fight)

CRED
Oh baby!

(Cred writes into his notebook)

CRED (mouthing quietly)
Daftknee — purple underwear…

(Daftknee and Cher stop fighting for a second)

DAFTKNEE
WHAT the HELL!?

(Daftknee gets slapped hard, and she starts fighting with Cher again)
(Meanwhile, the spit on Sunny’s grave starts glowing)

MARMAFLUKE
My God!  You didn’t spit on a dead man’s grave, did you!?

DAFTKNEE
So what if I did!?

(Sonny pops out of the grave)

SONNY
Hey guys!  I’m alive!

MARMAFLUKE
Bloody hell!  A ZOMBIE!!

(Everyone screams then runs away.  Cred drops his notebook, and Marmafluke happens to trip over it.  Marmafluke grabs the notebook and runs away again)

SONNY
Where’d everybody go?  Hey, wait!

(Stupid music plays as Sonny is chasing everyone around, and somehow they’re in a place with millions of doors and are going in one and coming out the other over and over.  A few times, two of them come out of different doors, etc etc)
(Daftknee and Marmafluke find a closet)

MARMAFLUKE
Daftknee!  Look what I found!

(Daftknee takes the book from Marmafluke and opens it)

DAFTKNEE
This is Cred’s!  I wonder what he was writing in here…

(The notebook stated the following:)

DAFTKNEE
C-cup
Purple underwear
10 inch-wide ass

FELMA
DD-cup
No underwear
Nice skirt
Allows anal sex

MY MOM
Experienced
Can have threesome w/Slaggy
Gives good BJs

MARMAFLUKE
British accent (hot!)
Extremely large dong

(Daftknee and Marmafluke look at each other after reading it)

DAFTKNEE
Oh my God!  That PERV!
He didn’t even get any of this information right!
I am TOTALLY into anal sex.

(Daftknee looks weird at Marmafluke)

MARMAFLUKE
Well, I can’t help it if I’m the object of everyone’s desire…

(Daftknee eyes Marmafluke’s pants)(Scene cuts to the castle with a million doors)
(Daftknee bursts out of a closet with a shotgun)

DAFTKNEE
Cred!  YOU’RE DEAD!

(Cred stops chasing Felma trying to grab her ass just as she runs into another door.  He looks over to Daftknee)

CRED
Oh, shit.  She found the notebook.

(Cred jumps into the air and runs away with Daftknee chasing after him)(Sonny and Cher have been making out the whole time.  Not by normal kissing, but Eskimo kissing.  Their noses are practically falling off)

CHER
I love — IN LOVE! — you.

(Then they both get shot from stray fire from Daftknee’s shotgun)
(Cred jumps on top of them and then jumps away, running again)

CHER
I’m going to the — AFTER LIFE!! — light!

SONNY
Me too, again…

MARMAFLUKE
Man, you wankers sure are annoying.

(End)

-~-

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International Magicians Society – Commercial

July 31st, 2013 Posted in Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company No Comments »

SHANE DURTON
Hello magic fans.  I’m here with Jig Reed and Croy Thompson, and their white tigers…

(Jig Reed and Croy Thompson are having sex with their tigers and smoking cocaine with them.)

SHANE DURTON
…to tell you about the International Magicians society.
Yes, it is actually a real organization in which all magicians must
become a part of once they graduate from Magic School.

(Jig and Croy are licking their tiger’s balls)

SHANE DURTON
Yes, you get many benefits, like Free Jungle Sex w/White Tigers.
If you are a magician and you’re not in the International Magician Society,
we will send you death threats until you do!

(Jig is face down on the floor, and a tiger is sitting on top of him)

SHANE DURTON
As a part of the IMS, you must take the vow of never revealing the secrets
behind magic tricks.  If you do, we’ll kill you by submerging you in a tank full of water,
handcuff you, and lock the tank.  And you won’t be able to get out the way you usually can that I’m  not gonna say!
Now, its time for me to get some tiger lovin’, so if you’ll excuse me…

(Shane Durton is pounced by a tiger, and they start licking each other)

SHANE DURTON
Oh God, YES!

(End)

-~-

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Formal Pirate Clothing – Commercial

July 21st, 2013 Posted in Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company No Comments »

Cast:

Bob American is the Captain (aka manager).
Joey McCurken is the First Mate (aka assistant manager).
Brandon Spaz is a pirate that shops at Formal Pirate Clothing.

BOB AMERICAN
Hello, how are you today, Mr. Pirate?  Welcome to the Formal Pirate Clothing store!

CUSTOMER
Jusssst great!  Arr!!

BOB AMERICAN
Can I help you find something?

CUSTOMER
I’d like to buy some clothes, but I just don’t know what wear, arr!!

BOB AMERICAN
What kind of look are you looking for?

CUSTOMER
I’m looking for a formal-looking suit, for work.

 BOB AMERICAN
You’re in luck, we have a special on suits today.
We have many combinations that will suit what you need.

CUSTOMER
Hey, that’s great, arr!

BOB AMERICAN
We have a black suit, that is a black jacket, black pants,
and a blue shirt with a blue tie.

CUSTOMER
Hmm.. that’s not really what I’m looking for… arr!

BOB AMERICAN
We have some black shoes that would look great with the suit you “arrrr!” buying.

CUSTOMER
Good, I’ll take those, too.  How about a pirate hat to go with it, arr?

BOB AMERICAN
Well, the only one that would go with your suit is this woman’s gardening hat…75% off!

CUSTOMER
That’s perfect, arr!

BOB AMERICAN
Come up to the counter, and I’ll have my assistant manager process the sale for you.

In the back, the security cameras just show Bob American talking to air.  The Customer is a ghost!!!

CUSTOMER
Do you take Pirate Express?  Arr!

BOB AMERICAN
Didn’t they go out of business 100 years ago?

CUSTOMER
Nonsense!  I just got it in the mail yesterday!

BOB AMERICAN
What is this mail you speak of?  Pirates do not have addresses.

JOEY MCCURKEN
Yarr!  It be a ghost, Cap’n!!  He has a damned locket around his neck!

CUSTOMER
Oh, this?  I got it from my dear departed aunt—

Just then, Bob American runs the Customer through with a saber.  Customer keels over with the sword sticking out of his chest as he bleeds across the counter and onto the register.

BOB AMERICAN
Oh.  He wasn’t a ghost, after all.

JOEY MCCURKEN
Oh.  I keep forgetting that the security system still shoots in interlace,
but ever since we got that new progressive flat screen, everyone looks like a ghost on it!

BOB AMERICAN
Joey, you just lost us a sale.  And I may very well go away for a long time when
the mall property manager gets a load of the water damage to the floor.

JOE MCCURKEN
The planet Earth moves through curved space.

BOB AMERICAN
Ah, yes, how can I forget.

End.

-~-

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Standcom Pilot Episode

April 18th, 2012 Posted in TV Shows No Comments »

Scene 1

Warren is making biscuits in his kitchen. He shapes them with his hands and then licks a finger off.

Warren: Mmmmm Mmm! It was a good idea replacing the flour with dandruff. Lucky I had enough.

Warren throws the biscuits into the stove, and then throws a huge lever to turn the oven on.

Warren: Let’s see, let’s see, what’s next….

Someone knocks at the door.

Warren: Ooh, I hope it’s more dandruff.

Warren opens the door and Allen steps in.

Allen: Hi.

Warren: Oh hey. I was just busy doing the ol’ shake and bake, then I got the ingredients from doing that and made biscuits. Have a sit-down. Who are you anyway?

Allen: I’m Allen, your best friend.

Warren: Oh ok, makes sense. I hope you’re hungry, friend. I’m making my specialty, milk lasagna.

Warren starts preparing the meal.

Warren: I make it with extra milk for that “scrape your tongue off” aftertaste. I bet you’re sizzling in your pajamas just hearing about it.

Allen: Well I’m lactating, if that means anything.

Warren: That’s always a good sign. I like signs. I might put a few in my next milk lasagna.

Allen takes an apple from a basket on the table and takes a bite.

Warren: Don’t fill up on healthy food; your arteries need plenty of space for what’s coming.

Allen: This apple tastes kind of funny.

Warren: Oh, I laminate all my food so it doesn’t get dirty.

Allen: The first bite was a chore but I’m beginning to taste the benefits.

Allen gets up and moves to the living room, turning on the television. Warren, confused, follows after.

Warren: What, are you not going to eat my meal? You know that if I’m not pregnant and in the kitchen, I’m not a happy camper.

Allen: I don’t want your gobbedlygook; I’m looking for tips on improving my skiing. Even square chinned ski veterans like me can improve, you know.

Warren: Oh I know exactly what you mean. It’s people like me that have to give up their secrets just so phonies like you can say they’ve gotten better.

Allen: When have you ever been skiing?

Warren: I’m skiing right now.

Warren makes skiing motions.

Allen: Look at those arm movements. Looks like you’re King Kong running after a big banana. And before you ask, no, I don’t want any kind of horrible concoction involving bananas you probably have rotting in the kitchen.

Warren: Don’t knock my Banana Hamma until you’ve thrown up at least thrice. And who are you to insult my ski techniques? I bet you don’t know how to ski at all, and I don’t like your shirt much either.

Allen: How about this then, Warren. I give you a little quiz about the proper usage of skis. If you win, I’ll eat your milk lasagna. But if I win, you’re going to eat my milk lasagna.

Warren: Oh as if you could even make milk lasagna. I just know you’d overcook the cabbage, and you’d probably set the syrup to cook instead of defrost, too.

Allen: Get your ugly face out of mine you cookies and cream nightmare, I’ve had enough of your hoarse barking.

Allen heads for the door.

Allen: I’ll give you one day to study for the big test because I’m one heck of a guy. Happy skiing. Hope you trip and kill yourself a few times, jerk.

Warren: Oh we’ll see who ends up jerking.

Allen slams the door. (Star wipe to next scene)

Scene 2

Warren enters his bedroom carrying a stack of books.

Warren: I didn’t know they took blood as payment for a libary card, but I’m glad.

He throws the books down onto his bed and lies before them.

Warren: I think I can skip the basics since I’m so good at things.

He opens a book.

Warren: (Talking low) Adjust the aerodynamic generator…..tighten the Mueslix…jump every time Target makes a sell….honk if you love Elvis…(Talking normal again) Yes, yes, my brain is filling with knowledge. I knew this stuff couldn’t be as hard as Peekaboo Street makes it look. Just a few more hours of pure, concentrated studying and I should be right as rain.

(Flip transition) Warren snores heavily under a massive pile of books on his head. The phone rings, making Warren jolt up, throwing books all over the room. He runs to his phone made of Dixie cups and fishing line.

Warren: Warren residence, home of the Warren. This is Steve, I mean Warren.

Fast gibberish can be heard on the other end of the line.

Warren: Uh huh….mhmm…oooh…

The screen splits up into two, showing the other end of the line. It’s actually an old black man talking with a deep voice.

Pappy Martin: And that about sums up my last bowel movement, any questions?

Warren: Yes. What are the secrets of skiing?

Pappy Martin: I knew you would someday ask me of this, child. Therefore I have prepared a guide to help you achieve your goal.

Warren: That sounds g-oh hold on I have someone on the other line.

Warren puts the cup down and picks up another cup connected to the others.

Warren: I’ve told you a thousand times Mr. Kaguki, I’ll have your butter beans next week! Don’t look at me like that! Come on take that hat off! Take it off!! Oh yeah? Well mine bounces!

Warren throws the cup down and picks the other one back up.

Warren: Are you still there?

A tongue comes out of the cup and licks Warren in the face. Warren screams and laughs, then Pappy Martin chuckles.

Pappy Martin: I guess Patches really misses you!

Warren: Aww Patches misses daddy! Just tell him I’ll give him a nice flea bath and grooming when I have time.

Pappy Martin: Well he just left for school but I’ll tell him when he gets home. (Clock wipe to next scene)

Scene 3

Warren and Pappy Martin are in a dojo wearing karate gis, they stare at each other intensely and bow.

Pappy Martin: You have learned quickly, but I must make sure you’re ready for the test. Just remember the ultimate secret of skiing: Christmas.

Warren nods and bows again, taking a strap from the floor and putting it around his neck. He lowers his goggles to his eyes and begins to be pulled by a magical sled driven by Santa Claus. With a hearty ho ho ho, the sled lifts into the sky. Warren masterfully maneuvers around clouds and airplanes as Santa throws presents out of the sled and laughs jollily.

Warren: What is the next step?

Santa turns around in his sled and gives Warren a knowing wink. (push transition) A montage is shown of Warren jump-roping while wearing the skis, competing against John Force in a drag race with them and winning, pulling an ocean liner on them, and moving across a roller coaster track and doing a loop-de-loop on them. (Exclamation point wipe to next scene)

Scene 4 Allen knocks on Warren’s door giving an all-knowing chuckle.

Warren: Come in!

Allen opens the door to see a chiseled Warren standing in front of a bright light. Allen gulps loudly and slams the door behind him.

Warren: I am prepared.

Allen sits down and crosses his legs.

Allen: Great weather we’re having. You know, I saw a cat on the way here. It was orange and it said mreoooooooooo-

Warren: Give me the test!

Allen: Ok ok! Let’s see here…oh yeah! What do you do if you can’t get your skis on properly?

Warren: The true skier never takes his skis off.

Allen: Oh…oh yeah, I knew that. That was an easy one! Now, if snow were to get in your eyes, what would you do?

Warren: It’s common knowledge that all skiers put on blindfolds before they start so they can hit the piñata at the bottom.

Allen: Huh? Oh yeah, that’s corre-

Warren: You’ve never skied in your life! You’re a big fat phony with no speed dial just like I said!

Allen: Fine!! I’m not a great skier! I’ve never even seen snow! What are you going to do about it?

Warren: I thought you’d never ask! (Al Roker transition)

Allen is clumsily skiing down a hill and hits a ramp, he flies through air and lands in a gigantic piece of Milk Lasagna.

Credit roll with canned standing ovation.

THE END

-~-

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Forever Repressed: The True Meaning of Flag Day

April 27th, 2011 Posted in Squackle Broadcasting Company, TV Shows No Comments »

Scene I
(Outside One Government Center, Downtown Toledo. Monday, 10 A. M., June 9th.)

(Mayor Jack Ford walks up to One Gov’t Center. Ugly Little Harvey sits outside:

Ugly Little Harvey: Mistah Mayah?

Mayor Jack Ford: Yes, little dude, what is it?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, I have a question.

Mayor Jack Ford: Go for it, big fella.

Ugly Little Harvey: Ok… um… big fella?

Mayor Jack Ford: Yep.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… you said I was a little dude!

Mayor Jack Ford: You sure are!

Ugly Little Harvey: Yeah, ok. Anyways, I was wondering what the true meaning of Flag Day was?

Mayor Jack Ford: Of what?

Ugly Little Harvey: Flag Day.

Mayor Jack Ford: Hmm. (Pauses.) When is that?

Ugly Little Harvey: It’s this Saturday. June 14th.

Mayor Jack Ford: Isn’t that Bastille Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: No, that’s July 14th.

Mayor Jack Ford: Huh. (Walks in.)

Ugly Little Harvey: Stupid new mayor. At least Carty would have indulged me with a nonsensical explanation.

Scene II
(10:30 A. M. Ugly Little Harvey walks down Madison Ave and by an alley.

Voice: Psst. Kid.

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, who is it?

Voice: You have come to find the true meaning of Flag Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, yes…

Voice: Come into the alley.

(Ugly Little Harvey timidly walks in.)

Fragrant Drifter: Kid, you have come in search for the meaning of Flag Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Oh yes! I want to know what it means.

Fragrant Drifter: Then tell me this… can you guess what cologne I’m wearing?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. gosh mistah, I really don’t know.

Fragrant Drifter: Did you say “Tommy?”

Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. sure. That’s what I said.

Fragrant Drifter: Nope. It’s “About Eighty Car Fresheners” by Mr. Goodwrench.

Ugly Little Harvey: Ok, what does this have to do with Flag Day?

Fragrant Drifter: What’d you call me?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, nothing?

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right nothing. Now, about Arbor Day

Ugly Little Harvey: NO! Flag Day!

Fragrant Drifter: Ah yes. I was told about this day as a kid. Frankly I think people have lost their way when it comes to this fine holiday.

Ugly Little Harvey: But mistah, what does it all mean?

Fragrant Drifter: Well, many people remember Flag Day as the day I lost my arms.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… mistah, your arms are right there.

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right. And I found them on Columbus Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Observed?

Fragrant Drifter: Yeah, not only did I observe them, I picked them up and sewed them on myself.

Ugly Little Harvey: No, I meant Columbus Day.

Fragrant Drifter: What’s Columbus Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: You have the memory of John Madden. I’m leaving.

Fragrant Drifter: Ok, bring back some more car fresheners. And close the door! You’ll let all the heat out of my foyer!

Scene III
(Year 2093. Ugly Little Harvey is now an ugly old man, reminiscing on his past experiences with Flag Day.)

Ugly Little Harvey: BAH! What a fake holiday. Flag Day is too commercial these days. Ruined by Hallmark and Scary Movie 8. Flag Day brings up too many painful memories, just like Haley Joel Osment’s shooting spree or the Olsen’ twins eight marriages. I never trust holidays again. Especially not this one. The only one I enjoy is Bastille Day. Too bad France isn’t around anymore. They replaced it with a big Wal-Mart. I worked there once. In fact, I still work there, at the door. Good selection of berets. Well, my mailman, George W. Bush IV is here with my erotic literature.

(Ugly Little Harvey falls over, along with curtain.)

-~-

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Forever Repressed: Zero Fluid Motions

April 27th, 2011 Posted in Squackle Broadcasting Company, TV Shows No Comments »

Speed Racer: What a crappy day. I think I’ll go back inside. (Walks inside.)

Mr. Game & Watch: Hey bud, you’re walking like me.

Speed Racer: So?

Mr. Game & Watch: That’s my bit! That’s how I walk in Super Smash Bros. Melee!

(Mr. Game & Watch hits the B Button and flips bacon in Speed Racer’s face)

Speed Racer: Ouch! That’s greasy!

(Speed Racer gets in his Mach 5 car)

Speed Racer: IT’S ON!

(Meanwhile, in Hell…)

One-legged Squirrel: Another play with a car? I’ll sit this one out.

Satan: Hey, I’m not slave-driving you to talk.

(Meanwhile, back in the unspecified setting…)

Mr. Game & Watch: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!

(Mr. Game & Watch turns red by hitting the Y button before the match.)

John Tesh: This calls for some quality fightin’ music. You two just get it on, and I’ll take care of the tunes.

(Speed Racer and Mr. Game & Watch stare one another down.)

Speed Racer: Are you ready?

Mr. Game & Watch: Let’s get this over with.

(Speed Racer runs over John Tesh. Mr. Game & Watch makes John Tesh fly off the screen with his smash hammer [B Button].)

Speed Racer: That felt good. Now, I must leave. I have a race.

Mr. Game & Watch: And I’m a guest on Carson Daly’s show.

-~-

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Forever Repressed: Dog in My Way, Part I

April 27th, 2011 Posted in Squackle Broadcasting Company, TV Shows No Comments »

Sophie: You haven’t given me a speaking part in over a year.

Sussman: I haven’t written in over a year.

Sophie: Bullshit. Pet me.

Sussman: Why would I want to do that?

Sophie: Either pet me or I urinate in your shoes.

Sussman: No way, those are my shoes! (Pets Sophie.)

Sophie: Yes, that’s right. That’s where the money is.

(Sussman stops petting Sophie.)

Sophie: What the hell?

Sussman: I want to watch TV.

Sophie: Keep petting me!

Sussman: No, I want to watch some TV.

Sophie: Fine, turn it to American Idol. I love watching that British judge, Simon, make fun of the bad singers.

Sussman: We’re not watching American Idol. We’re watching the NBA Playoffs.

Sophie: That sucks.

Sussman: You suck!

The 2002-03 Cleveland Cavaliers: We suck!

Sophie: Get your candy asses out of here. Come back when you draft LeBron James.

Sussman: That ain’t gonna happen. Memphis is gonna draft LeBron.

Sophie: You callin’ me a liar, bitch?

Sussman: No, I’m callin’ you a BITCH, LIAR!

Sophie: That’s it. Get down on your knees and rub my tummy!

Sussman: Ew, no. I don’t go on the floor. That’s where you live.

Sophie: Come down to my house so I can kick your pasty white ass!

Simon, the British judge: Sophie, I think you have what it takes to be the next order of Chinese food.

Sussman: Exactly as I thought. Take ‘em away, Yao.

Yao Ming: (Bumps head on ceiling.)

(Note: No Cavaliers won any basketball games in the making of this film.)

-~-

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Forever Repressed: Apocalypse Eventually

April 27th, 2011 Posted in Squackle Broadcasting Company, TV Shows No Comments »

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I’m tired. I think I’ll stop working.

Car Battery: Now I can retire. The best years are ahead of me! (Dies.)

Bob Hope: That’s why I’m not retiring.

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I was driven around by a very hairy kid for three and a half years. Time to rest on the driveway and do nothing.

(Meanwhile…)

One-legged Squirrel: Life isn’t as great with just one leg.

One-legged Starfish: Well, you only lost one leg.

One-legged Squirrel: So?

One-legged Starfish: I lost four of mine to a jet ski.

One-legged Squirrel: Um… can’t you grow legs back?

One-legged Starfish: Yeah, but it’s hard. Plus I’m in a union.

One-legged Squirrel: Ahhh. So you let management worry about it.

One-legged Starfish: Basically. It’s great to be a well paid echinoderm.

One-legged Squirrel: Hey, my best girl is late. Where do you suppose she is?

Flattened Two-legged Female Squirrel: AACK!

One-legged Squirrel: Oh no, my girlfriend! She has two legs, but she’s flattened!

One-legged Starfish: That would make sense, given her name in the script.

One-legged Squirrel: I will not let you be forgotten! Someone must pay!

One-legged Starfish: Yeah, probably the car that ran her over.

One-legged Squirrel: Perhaps, but it’s faster than me, and it’s already gone. I shall take my anger out on a parked car of the same color.

One-legged Starfish: What color was it?

One-legged Squirrel: How should I know? (Looks around frantically.) There’s a white one. Let’s get it.

(One-legged Squirrel meanders its way towards 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix.)

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Do you hear something, garage door?

Garage Door: (Says nothing. It’s just a normal garage door.)

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Oh, of all the inanimate objects to not have a speaking part… it sure is lonely here. And I’m pretty sure

something’s coming up from behind me.

One-legged Squirrel: It’s me! One of your kind ran over my girlfriend! And since he got away, I’m taking this out on you!

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Who’s saying that? I can’t look behind me.

(Ten minutes later…)

One-legged Squirrel: There’s no escape!

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Holy shit, for a raging lunatic of a squirrel, you sure are slow!

One-legged Squirrel: In the land of dead car batteries, the squirrel with one limb is king!

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Well, I didn’t vote for you.

Pat Buchanan: I did.

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: In that case, would you mind giving me a push?

Pat Buchanan: Depends. Will you vote for me in the next election?

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Not on purpose, but hey, you might get lucky again.

Pat Buchanan: Good enough for me.

(Pat Buchanan pushes 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix towards One-legged Squirrel.)

One-legged Squirrel: Uh-oh! Now the car is moving as fast as me, but in the opposite direction! This is one math problem I don’t want to figure out!

Pat Buchanan: Excellent! He’s trying to turn around!

(One-legged Squirrel attempts to turn around, but since he has one leg, it’s really hard.)

One-legged Squirrel: Egads! I will be run over again!

Squirrel in a Wheelchair: Not if I can help it!

(Squirrel in a Wheelchair comes to the rescue, pulls One-legged Squirrel onto his wheelchair.)

One-legged Squirrel: I’m saved!

Squirrel in a Wheelchair: Now we roll to safety!

(Squirrel in a Wheelchair rolls out to the street, only to get run over by a Segway.)

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Keep pushing! We’re almost there!

Pat Buchanan: We already got him.

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Well I don’t see him.

Pat Buchanan: We went for that Y-shaped twig, right?

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I don’t think so…

Pat Buchanan: How about that ant hill?

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I really don’t know. It could have been. I need to hear it to know for sure.

Pat Buchanan: I’m tired. I better stop pushing. (Stops pushing.)

One-legged Starfish: GET… OFF… ME!!!

-~-

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Forever Repressed: The Name Game

April 27th, 2011 Posted in Squackle Broadcasting Company, TV Shows No Comments »

Nuke Laloosh: The minors blow.

Coco Crisp: Hey, they’re not THAT bad.

Nuke Laloosh: You’d say that. Just look at your name!

Coco Crisp: Whatever you say, “Nuke.” Weren’t you mentored by a guy named Crash?

Nuke Laloosh: Good point.

Stubby Clapp: I once played in a major league game.

Catfish Hunter: Yeah? Well I’m in the Hall of Fame.

Dizzy Dean: And we’re all white.

Coco Crisp: Not me!

Milton Bradley: Or me.

Andruw Jones: The three of us all play center field, we do.

Greg Olson: I was a catcher.

Gregg Olson: I was a pitcher.

Dizzy Dean: Yikes, so many people. This is making me dizzy.

Catfish Hunter: Where’s Yogi?

Yogi Berra: Sorry, this is the earliest I’ve ever been late. (Steals pic-a-nic basket.)

Todd Jones: You guys are all weird.

-~-

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Forever Repressed: The Last Action Torso

April 25th, 2011 Posted in Squackle Broadcasting Company, TV Shows No Comments »

Stanley Steemer: What a dirty carpet. I better get to work.

(Stanley Steemer begins cleaning the carpet.)

(The Farting Mime farts on the carpet)

Stanley Steemer: Oh, come on! I was just done cleaning that!

(The Farting Mime plays the world’s smallest violin)

Stanley Steemer: You’ll never get away with this!

(The Farting Mime points to the Orkin Man, dead as a doornail underneath a parked Kia Spectra)

Stanley Steemer: You ran over the Orkin Man with a Kia Sephia? Man, that’s embarrassing.

Geo Tracker: Well, at least it took the attention away from me.

Stanley Steemer: Only one person can save the day!

(The Farting Mime shakes head in disagreement)

A Voice: I’m here to stop this!

Stanley Steemer: Could it be! It is! It’s Vin Diesel’s Chest!

Vin Diesel’s Chest: That’s right. Now what’s the problem?

(The Farting Mime Lets out a juicy one right on the Oriental rug)

Stanley Steemer: Help us, Vin Diesel’s Chest! He’s farting on the rug that I just cleaned.

Vin Diesel’s Chest: Well, I’ll just have to put a stop to this using my impeccable pecs.

(The Farting Mime Pretends to be trapped in a box)

Vin Diesel’s Chest: Shoot. He’s in a box. How am I going to get to him now?

Geo Tracker: Smoke him out.

Tommy Chong: I’m way ahead of you, man.

(Invisible box fills up with smoke, The Farting Mime busts out of the box.)

Vin Diesel’s Chest: It worked. Now come and get me, you mute freak.

(The Farting Mime Farts right into Vin Diesel’s Chest)

Vin Diesel’s Chest: Do you think that’s going to work? I don’t have a nose.

Tommy Chong: Wow, weird man. He’s like, got no face.

(The Farting Mime Makes a gasping face, then runs away.)

Geo Tracker: I’ll take it from here.

(Geo Tracker Opens driver’s side door)

(The Farting Mime gets in, tries to start the car, but the car explodes.)

Vin Diesel’s Chest: Well, shoot. If I was closer to the explosion, I would jump out of the way just so the camera could get a slo-mo of my massive chest muscles.

Stanley Steemer: You saved the day! But why did the car explode?

Unabomber: I think it was a terrorist.

(Vin Diesel’s Chest floats away heroically, girls faint in their seats.)

-~-

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Why Can’t They Just Lose The Ring in the Sink?

April 24th, 2011 Posted in Films, Movies, Screwed Up Chronicles, Squackle Broadcasting Company No Comments »

Written by Dave Barry.

I finally saw the new Lord of the Rings movie, which is entitled Lord of the Rings II: A LOT More Stuff Happens. It’s a tad on the long side (three days) but I am not complaining. My eyeballs were literally riveted to the screen, by literal rivets, from the moment I sat down until the moment I lost all sensation in my lower body.

Yes, this is a classic movie, the kind that makes you laugh; makes you cry; makes you wonder, over and over, if this would be a good time to go to the bathroom. Above all, it’s a movie that makes you think about the issues raised by the plot, the main issue being: What the heck IS the plot?

I say this because it’s a very complicated story, with numerous subplots and something like 11,000 major characters, most of whom have hard-to-remember names like ”Flagodirt” or ”Grempkin.” So today, as a service to all of you who were confused by this great movie, I present the following:

SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II

(Scene 1)

FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!

SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act?

FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!

SAMWISE: But who will guide us?

FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?

SAMWISE: Dick Cheney’s in this movie?

GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbitt-breath.

(Scene 2:)

LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions — Legolas, the Strangely Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf — in our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose niece, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!

LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I’m just reading the script.

GIMLI: Well, I’m really short!

(Laughter)

LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It’s time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!

LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa.

MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.

SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

(Scene 3:)

MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!

PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything!

TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat! (Scene 4)

MONSTERS: Arrrrrr

SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! (Scene 5)

FRODO: How come, if I’m the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I’m stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney?

GOLLUM: Maybe it’s because your big hairy feet make you look like you’re wearing a pair of dead weasels.

(Scene 6)

LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador, before the forces of Ba’Zoot, led by the evil King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom!

LEGOLAS: Now you’re just making stuff up.

LORD ARAGORN: Well, it’s not as stupid as the kung-fu trees.

GIMLI: I’m still short!

(Laughter)

(Scene 7)

FRODO: UH-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you realize what that means?

SAMWISE: That ”Weasel Feet” would be a good name for a rock band?

FRODO: Yes, as would ”Kung Fu Trees” and ”Combat Alfalfa.” But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be…

SAMWISE: No! Not that!

FRODO: Yes. Another sequel.

MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.

-~-

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Dialogue Between a Hillbilly Husband and Wife (very dramatic)

April 7th, 2011 Posted in Films, Squackle Broadcasting Company No Comments »

Maw: Paw, git up.  It’s time to fuck the hogs and milk the trees.

Paw: Milk the trees???  Listen, I milked them last night.

Maw: Well, git up.  Listen, the old red cow is crowing.

Paw: What’s fer breakfast?  Corn pone and black-eyed poop?

Maw: No.  I got some nice fried beer belly.

Paw: Good.  After breakfast I’ll slap the chickens and I’ll have to fix the still.

Maw: What’s wrong with the still?

Paw: It’s turning out pee instead of moonshine.  I think I’ve been putting too much meat in the mash.

Maw: Well, don’t forget to take your rifle, Paw.  If a Revenue Agent spots you you can shoot him in the arse.

-~-

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Waitress and Customer

April 7th, 2011 Posted in Films, Squackle Broadcasting Company No Comments »

Scene:  A restaurant (where else?)

Customer: Oh, waitress!  Would you bring me a drink?  I’d like a dry cum on the rocks, with a twist of peach.

Waitress: All right, sir.  Will you order your dinner too?

Customer: Yes, I’ll have the roast prime teachers of beef with the lung pudding.

Waitress: We’re out of that.  How about a sizzling sirloin Eric with a spicy green salad?

Customer: No, thanks.  I’d rather have the smooth fried chicken.

Waitress: We’re out of that, too.  How about fried Erics?

Customer: No, thanks.  Do you have any roast Long Island lesbian?

Waitress: No, but why don’t you try our brown goulash with homemade weiner sauce?

Customer: Oh, never mind.  Just bring me a shot egg sandwich and a cup of black sylvia

-~-

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Love Scene

March 5th, 2011 Posted in Films, Squackle Broadcasting Company No Comments »

To be performed by Chelsea and Matt.

GIRL:  Before I go inside, I want to thank you for a sexy evening.  I’ve really had a busty time.

BOY:  I’ll bet you tel that to all the butts.

GIRL:  You’d better go now before my sink hears you and wakes up.  He’s a very crazy sleeper.

BOY:  I don’t care.  Darling, I love you more than fart itself.  Let me take you away from this terrible light bulb.

GIRL:  You’re staring.  I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last whore on earth

BOY: But darling, you’re breaking my butt.  I love you.  Please marry me and be my henchwoman.

GIRL:  I’m sorry, but I’m already engaged to Bill Clinton.

-~-

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Navli Floppy Watches Commercial

December 13th, 2009 Posted in Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company No Comments »

-~-

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