In the below image, I am “David.”
The guy eventually apologized and deleted all of his posts, saying that he was drunk when he posted. But that isn’t funny.
“Not a Barbie so don’t expect me to be perfect
I love to eat so I’m fat lmao
Just here to meet cool new ppl.
No pervs cus I ain’t givin no poosay u can skip my page negga”
– from a girl’s dating profile
One day there was a family of cranes nesting happily below a huge fountain at an amusement park. There were six cranes in all, happily living life, feeding from the crumbs dropped by the forever-eating patrons of the amusement park.
There was the mother, Sealee, and her beautiful husband, Archibald, who had four wonderful crane children. The two oldest were twins, String Bean 1 and String Bean 2 (also known as The Twins String Bean collectively), followed by their sister Celithrulith and lastly, but certainly not least, came beautiful baby Stotch.
Stotch was only a few months old but was already showing great signs of growing up into a prestigious adult male. He was the crown jewel of the family, because he was really pretty, cause he was a male, and males are pretty, and the only thing Sealee and Archibald would talk about to the other cranes they met while flying around the amusement park at night when all the a-hole tourists are gone. However, because they were not as important as the new baby, the three sisters secretly met in the one place their parents would never think to look — the bathroom — in order to find a way to get rid of “stupid baby Stotch.”
“We could strangle him!” the Twins String Bean shouted in the refracting walls of the bathroom.
“NOT SO LOUD!” Celi, short for Celithrulith, screeched at the twins. “Strangling MIGHT be the best option, since us cranes have fragile necks….!”
The Twins String Bean started laughing in unison.
“But what should we strangle him with?!?” 1 said.
2 said, “Rope?”
1 said, “String?”
2 said, “A sweater?”
1 said, “A bowling ball?”
1 and 2 started rattling off random objects for about two minutes when Celi finally came to an epiphany.
All three cranes started squawking in excitement! Masking tape was the worst feeling in the world for their feathers. It stuck to it like no other adhesive and when you took it off, it took some feathers with it!
It was three weeks since the death of Stotch… and the investigation was going nowhere! Due to the chains of bureaucracy in the town of Beauracracy, also the fact that Tax-Free Furniture Week has been going on for three weeks no one gave a shit about the murder of a lowly no-tax-paying crane. Sealee and Archibald had been crying ever since they found young Stotch strangled behind the river rapids depot, with the feathers around his neck ripped off. His poor, fragile, neck had to been bent in an awkward direction. As the tide came in at the river rapids, his body had traveled from where the murder had actually taken place, which still has yet to be found.
Sealee and Archibald spent the coming weeks in the company of their religious community, with Father Snewrug holding a ceremony for Stotch’s burial. The three sisters, silently happy that all has been going according to plan, played along with the proceedings, no one the wiser that the murderers were with them the whole time.
Stotch’s spirit roamed the grounds of the amusement park for hundreds of years, as the Stotch the Crane Spirit became a theme during the Halloween event. Eventually the park, renamed Stotch’s Scary Crane Park could not sustain on ghost stories alone. It was closed down, and Stotch was truly alone, the images of his murder playing in his mind over and over. Globs of masking tape littered the abandoned amusement park like tumbleweed, blowing across the landscape.
Stotch’s colors were very beautiful, even for a ghost. It was what made him so noticeable when he appeared to people squawking in their faces. Occasionally he would have been seen staring at people with his mouth wide open as he “watched” people going to the bathroom. The things you can get away with as a ghost!
Stotch was feeling particularly even more alone than usual once the amusement park had been closed down. It seemed like no one really cared about him, and there weren’t even any ghost-themed investigation reality TV shows coming to see find him anymore.
The abandoned amusement park was once again occupied when a sect of the human race, known scientifically as “Hipsters” began moving in. They thought it would be so cool to live in an abandoned amusement park where no one would be able to criticize their tight jeans and hipster-sounding music. They would have movie nights where they could watch all the classics, like Gone With the Windie Rock Festival, and The Fantastic Mr. Anti-Establishment Tight Jean Designer.
Ah, yes, life was grand in the old spooky haunted abandoned amusement park full of hipsters. That was, until Stotch had enough of the hipster crap and Hot Topic receipts littering his home! One by one, Stotch squawked very loudly in the face of each hipster, appearing and disappearing in a blinding flash. Not only was he assaulting their senses, but he was ruining their movie nights and their mini-musical festivals that hipsters always like to say they attend.
Hipster-Honcho Jake Guldinthal, leader of the Hipsters proclaimed that all of his friends (also known as “subjects” in non-hipster lingo) should perform a séance to rid themselves of their ghostly companion. His squawking ruined the best scene in Clearance-Priced Wedding, where the Princess of Bargain Bin Town finally said “I DO” to the Prince of Upscale Department Store Town and had a 50 minute-long lovemaking scene in which there was no nudity, and only money being used to touch each other. It had something to do with using money for not-its-intended-purposes or something like that. The movie ended with a wad of sweaty cash being thrown into the trash can. Stotch’s fifty-one minute squawk would probably be a world record. But, alas, the Hipster Congregation’s Hipster Council met in the Merry Go-Round to discuss their ghost infestation. The only solution was to summon the bird into the open and shoo him away for good.
The cheapest psychic in the area, Jorge Yulonzagonez, a half Chinese, half Mexican, half Japanese man was hired to get rid of the ghost. Now, you might be asking why this man is three halves of a person. That’s because he is a conjoined “twin” with two heads, but both heads have the same consciousness. Don’t ask why, but both brains work in unison with each other and when he speaks, both heads speak at the same time. Sometimes he’s able to make one of them not say anything, if he’s making a joke, though.
Jorge Yulonzagonez came by in his station wagon, and the hipsters were all in a large circle around the bathroom building – the place where most of the activity seems to originate. Jorge’s two heads spoke in unison, “Hello, my friends . We are here today to exterminate this ghost of the day… this ghost of the night… this ghost that has been ruining your hipster musical festivals! How dare this ghost ruin movie night and make your sensitive man leggings stretch further than they are meant to stretch!”
At that moment, Jimmy Santiago broke down and began to cry into his hands. Those around him comforted him.
Jorge pointed towards Jimmy. “It will be alright, my friend! This puta will pay for the crimes he has committed! Just because he’s a ghost, doesn’t give him free reign on being a jerk!”
Jimmy Santiago agreed with the empowering words and patted his comforting friends on the shoulder, thanking them for their support.
“Now, let us join hands and begin the expunging of this fowl ghost!” Jorge got on top of a random box and began waving his hands around like a bird.
“CAW… CAW CAW!!! SHOO GHOST! SHOO! LEAVE THIS PLACE!!” Jorge squawked like a bird.
Stotch screeched a howling screech that made all of the hipsters start dancing. It sounded just like one of those bands they had at their last indie music festival, that they didn’t realize that it was actually a ghost!
Stotch manifested in front of Jorge, unable to disappear. He stood in place and flapped his wings in an aggressive fashion.
Jorge pointed to Stotch. “YOU! GHOST!!! LEAVE THIS PLACE IMMEADIATELY!”
Stotch fluttered his feathers. “Who are you to tell me to leave this place? I’ve lived here for a very long time and if you think some two-headed jerk can make me leave after what I’ve endured these years, you’ve got another thing coming, sir. I was murdered in a bathroom and dumped into an amusement park water ride by my own jealous sisters!”
The hipsters all started crying. It was like the plot from their favorite sappy movie that they never knew existed. The only thing missing was a flight jacket and some ripped tight jeans with some shaggy hair cut.
Just then, a fleet of Versikons, a flying human species that is known to be a Hipster’s predator, swooped in on the crowd of crying hipsters. They all dispersed and ran away crying into the distance as a few of them were lifted into the air and had their musical tastes demeaned by the Versikons. Soon the Hipsters left the amusement park entirely, and only Jorge and Stotch remained.
“I didn’t see that coming.” Jorge said from both of his heads.
“Well, onto the next abandoned amusement park, eh Stotch?” Jorge continued.
Jorge hopped onto Stotch and rode off into the sunset. As they rode away, three female crane ghosts fluttered in the air. On each neck hung shreds of masking tape…!
popuso – v. to throw a box of recently-used, wet, condoms out onto the freeway while going 75 mph, and making sure that there is at least one car behind you.
“These was on George’s Desk”
– written on a very old envelope at davepoobond’s job
Don’t you ever get bored of just saying “bye”? Well, now you have a list of exciting things to say instead! If you have more of these, leave a comment!
- Make like a tree and leaf.
- Make like a chainsaw and cut out.
- Make like a spider and bug out.
- Make like a rock and roll.
- Make like a Shepard and get the flock out.
- Make like a banana and peel out.
- Make like Knott’s Berry Farm and jam.
- Make like an atom and split.
- Make like a fetus and bust out of this mother.
- I’m out like a trout!
floody nose – n. a bloody nose in the shower
“You have to learn how to feel better!”
– a mother to her young daughter
I was in a battleground and we were losing horribly. Mostly because everyone was a DPS spec, and the other team was way more balanced. I play a hunter, by the way.
Phacku: what a dick
davepoobond: 3 hybrids and none of you can tank
Phacku: your a hybrid
davepoobond: who is
Phacku: yeah you dont ever call me a hybrid again
davepoobond: you’re a hybird
davepoobond: and about as dumb as a plant
davepoobond: like a hybrid plant
Phacku: you obviously know nothing of plants
davepoobond: i know they are smarter than you
Phacku: than you still know nothing
Athiesm: seems like i got in a grp of fighting eachother ness
Phacku: hunter likes men. thats all
Wish: there arguing about hybrid classes
Athiesm: the usual pointless shit
davepoobond: of course i like men
davepoobond: im a woman
Athiesm: who cares
Athiesm: im a wolf
Athiesm: so what
Phacku: dont lie to me
Wish: im a gnome
Chilo: I like playing with myself, if you know what I mean ;P
Frantor: They were probably 25
Chilo: I’m talking about multiboxing!
Zanbon: yeah i know
Chilo: god z, what did you think I was talking about…
Zanbon: i know that NOW
davepoobond: i think we need more clarifications
davepoobond: how do you put your dick in multiple boxes?
People were asking about what mounts the Worgen racial mounts were, and I linked them. IN TRADE, everyone was saying where to get them, which was in Darnassus. Then this guy messages me…
Gylana: were do u get that
Gylana: from where
Gylana: pay u?w
Gylana: 5 then 5 after u tell me
davepoobond: ok mail me 5 right now
Gylana: meet met at bank
davepoobond: im in a bg!
davepoobond: i cant!
davepoobond: arrested development is pretty good… i havent seen the newest season yet but im halfway through season 2
Solid Billy: Is anything ever just good to you? Not “pretty good.”
Solid Billy disconnected
davepoobond: that’s a pretty good analysis
In World of Warcraft, Destructiva needed on a piece of green while everyone else greeded — he basically cheated to win the item.
davepoobond: grats on the cloth upgrade
Destructiva: What? DId you want those?
davepoobond: no, you needed them, just saying grats since you did
Destructiva: Well perhaps that was because everything popped up at once. Wasn’t intentional.
Destructiva: So if you want them, I’d gladly give them to you to make you quit your bitching.
davepoobond: it was a joke
davepoobond: learn how to take things less seriously
davepoobond: maybe you’ll avoid high blood pressure later in life
Destructiva: Dude, I was joking too. Maybe you should be less carebear
davepoobond: maybe you should be less
Destructiva: Whatever… you’re just mad, and jealous of my new cloth gloves.
Destructiva: And cool guild name by the way.
davepoobond: thanks 😛 been around for a long time on the server. since vanilla
Destructiva: Oh, I was joking….
davepoobond: jokes are supposed to be funny
Destructiva: Really? Yours wasn’t.
Destructiva: I thougt you liked it that way.
davepoobond: at least there was a punch line
Destructiva: I must have missed that part.
davepoobond: this goes back to the high blood pressure thing
Destructiva: You’re quite the hypocrite, no?
davepoobond: you should eat less salt
Destructiva: So kind of you to be concerned for my health. But you shouldn’t presume things.
davepoobond: well just make sure you dont use that cloth piece cuz ur gunna lose ur 5% agility lol
Destructiva: I’m gonna mail it to you.
davepoobond: i already wear mail
Destructiva: Don’t you have anything better to do?
davepoobond: i dont do requests.
Destructiva: Well I’m growing quite bored with you. Goodbye.
davepoobond: i want to grow old with you
Destructiva is ignoring you.
Amuka: I was told I can get a refund here and I’m not leaving until I get it.
davepoobond: what are you trying to get a refund for, my heart?
davepoobond: no, sir, the spleen is non-refundable
davepoobond: it says right on it
Amuka: I bought it last week and the cashier said I can return it here
davepoobond: the cashier was wrong, and so are you
Amuka: pfft. well, I want to talk to a manager
davepoobond: i am the manager
Amuka: you guys didn’t tell me this is non refundable. how is this fair?
davepoobond: lifes not fair
davepoobond: thats when they told you
Amuka: you know what? forget it. I’m done with this store. you guys are so unprofessional!
Amuka: I am a faculty member and should not be treated this way!
davepoobond: i dont even know why you’re calling a cardboard box behind a bar a store
Amuka: you shut up!
davepoobond: fine with me, i dont get paid to talk to you
Amuka: I’m never coming back. NEVER
davepoobond: good, that would do me a favor